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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Another will one

56 replies

Whatawill · 31/03/2019 11:50

DH and I need to sort out our wills but I've been avoiding it as I don't really know how we should go about dividing it up. DH has a DD from a previous relationship who is 12 and I have known her for 11 years and have a good relationship with her. We have her EOW generally. DH and I then have 2 DD's together. Between us we have 4 properties.
House A is our family home which we own jointly and I see as equally ours
House B is DH's and his former family home and is now rented
House C is a BTL that belongs to me and is rented
Flat D is a flat I owned when I met then DP and is now also rented.
When my DParents die I will inherit at a guess circa £200k, DH will have v little to inherit from his family and DSD is likely to inherit v little from her mum's side of the family. How would others in our circumstances split this up? DH thinks it should all be split equally between the 3 girls but I don't feel happy with that. I'm reluctant to tell DH this as he would think I was being mean towards DSD.

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Fairylea · 31/03/2019 11:55

We treat the children equally - everything split equally between them. But I know others would disagree. For us we are a family, family treats everyone equally.

Soontobe60 · 31/03/2019 11:57

If you're married, surely all the properties belong to you both now?
Try to imagine the scenario where you're the one with no inheritance from parents, a child you see EOW and 2 more children, and your OH wants to split his money between his own offspring, leaving yours with nothing.
The children should be treated exactly the same way by both of you.

Chewbecca · 31/03/2019 12:03

Will DSD also inherit from her mother? My DSS will.

Our home is split in half, DH's half is split equally between his children, my half to mine. I also have more savings etc which go solely to my DC. He has no other assets but what he does is split 3 ways.

Problem is we have accepted the risk that one of us will die first and the remaining spouse can change their will and remove the split. We're ok with this, firstly I don't think either of us would but even if we did, neither of us are devastated at the consequences. If you would be, you need trusts. We have not done so as we are happy for the surviving spouse to spend the equity instead of saving it for inheritance.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 31/03/2019 12:05

DH has two kids from previous relationship, we have one DD between us and hoping to have another at some point.
We split ours as follows:
He leaves his 50% between his biological children. I leave my 50% between my biological children.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 31/03/2019 12:06

Plus, step-kids will inherit from their DM
as and when the time comes.

SandyY2K · 31/03/2019 16:42

I would see (legally through a solicitor) if you can leave houses C and D to your DC only.

Bear in mind that if you die first, both those houses become his, unless a will states otherwise.

SandyY2K · 31/03/2019 16:48

DH thinks it should all be split equally between the 3 girls

Of course he would. That enables his DD to inherit from your assets.
If I was your child, I'd be quite miffed that your stepchild was inheriting from my mother.

Could you set up savings for your DC with the income (from the BTL) and keep in an account?

I'd be very much wanting to ensure my DC inherited from my parents estate too.

Warmhandscoldheart · 31/03/2019 16:53

Ask your Dparents to change their will eliminating your inheritance and leaving it to your DC instead. Then everything else gets split 50/50

Warmhandscoldheart · 31/03/2019 17:08

Alternatively see a solicitor about changing names on house ownership.
DSD named on House B
DC named on C and D
Then leave House A to be inherited by all three after your deaths.

lunar1 · 31/03/2019 18:28

In this case I'd split it equally. You have been in your DSD's life for most of it, the three children are siblings. You have to put some thought into how the three of them will feel at the other end of this, and how it could affect their relationship with each other.

funmummy48 · 31/03/2019 18:42

We've split everything equally as we are a family. It seems fairer as we value all of the children the same.

Youseethethingis · 31/03/2019 19:51

If you are equally her mother, then she is equally your child, and you should leave assets equally.
If you are not equally her mother then sorry, don’t see why you should be expected to cough up at the expense of your own DC when you are dead.

Blewbird · 31/03/2019 19:55

The standard starting point is that it all goes in a pot and 50% is yours and 50% is his. His 50% is split between his 3 children. Your 50% is split between your 2. I'd ask your parents to skip you and leave it for your two DDs in a trust. Maybe leave some sentimental jewellery of yours for DSD.

Blewbird · 31/03/2019 19:56

Or if you don't trust your DH to honor your wishes should you predecease him then you need to put the houses in trust for your two now....

Original poster

Whatawill · 31/03/2019 20:54

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think @Youseethethingis has managed to articulate for me what is the crux of my concerns. I am not seen/treated as an equal parent which in general I'm fine with as I feel that is for DSD's parents to do, (although some acknowledgment of my input after 10 years wouldn't go a miss on Mothers Day, all I'd like is a card). Yet somehow I am expected to treat all 3 children the same.
I feel I am happy leaving asset that DH and I have built since we have been together equally to all 3 whether that be our home or savings but asset that came exclusively from me should be for the benefit of my children. So I will suggest that House A is split equally, House B DH decides whether to split between the 3 of them or leave to DSD and that House C and Flat D are left to my DC.

OP posts:

Blewbird · 31/03/2019 21:13

That's fair @Whatawill. And honestly he's an arse for not helping his Dd acknowledge you. I'd be really bloody hurt. It's a completely fair point to make to him that she has a mother she will inherit from and it isn't you. BUT I'd really push to move those houses into trusts...

I have 2DSC whom I love very much but they won't inherit my half of our estate. My half goes to my 2DC. What we have done is be very open with the DSC as what I didn't want was to not be here to field any bad feelings they have about. I absolutely didn't want the 4 of them to be torn apart by how we chose to leave our money. My DSC will inherit quite a large amount from their DM so it's a bit easier. I have left jewellery for my DSD.

Well done for addressing it OP. It's so easy to not.

Helmlover1 · 31/03/2019 21:16

The posters claiming that everything should be split ‘equally’ between the ‘children of the family’ are talking rubbish and clearly value their step kids over their own biological kids- they are happy for their step kids to inherit from their biological mother, potential step father, biological father and step mother, whereas their own kids will only inherit from their biological parents, so highly likely to be worse off. As other posters have mentioned, I would not be happy if I had to share my mothers inheritance with offspring that aren’t even hers (as they have their own mother they will inherit from), and would argue this would cause more conflicts and family feuds.

Stop trying to be do-gooders and put your own kids first.

hsegfiugseskufh · 31/03/2019 21:18

We havent sorted ours yet, but weve got one ds together and dp has 2 kids from a prev relationship. One has nothing to do with us.

She wont benefit unless things ever drastically change, dps "half" will be split between dss and ds and my half will go to ds. Dss will inherit from his mother (probably) whereas ds will only get whatever we leave him.

Original poster

Whatawill · 31/03/2019 21:56

@Blewbird yes it hacks me off every year and I have told DH this repeatedly. I've not said anything this year about it but did mention breezily earlier that we need to sort our wills out. I will save it as an example of how I am not treated/valued equally in all of this.
I now need to work through in my head how ultimately I will deal with my inheritance from my parents when it comes to passing it along. This I fear will be trickier to work out especially as I have no idea how we would 'spend' it (and I'm hoping my DParents are around for many years to come!).

OP posts:

stuffedpeppers · 31/03/2019 22:10

Surely the issue is:
House A : goes three way.
House B : DH will split 3 ways
Flat C : you clearly see as yours but did you buy it or is it a marital asset - if the latter split 3 ways regardless of what name on the deeds.
Flat D: yours you split between your 2 daughters

Either way I get the feeling that if DH goes before you - DSD aint going to see much.

I contrast that with one of my parents who has recently passed away. 2 divorces amongst the offspring. They have chosen to leave in trust to the half siblings of their grandchildren a ( 2-5K) amount . They are no blood relation to these children - these are the partners that left their children and started new families. The reasoning - I do not want the brothers and sisters of my grandchildren to feel that they were anything but part of the bigger family.

People seem to get so worked up about someone perceiving to get more - my DCS have been so proud to tell their younger sib - their grandparent has left them monies. They are one family regardless to them. Halfs and steps do not matter. We read the will and had tears in our eyes. I am so proud of my parents for recognising that their grandkids had a different family and all of them were valued.
Think of how all the children will feel when the will is read because on your basis your kids will get a lot more of the family assets than DSD, but then that is quite obviously what you want.
House A : 33% each
House B : 33% each
House C: 50% to two and 0 to one
House D: 50% to two and 0% to one

Original poster

Whatawill · 31/03/2019 22:22

@stuffedpeppers House C was purchased by me using my own savings for the deposit and is owned in my name.
None of this is about DSD getting less of the family asset, if anything she will end up with more than if we split our estate into 50% each divided by our biological children.
It is about striking the balance between as the adult/step parent in all of this not being treated equally yet being potentially expected to treat all DC the same when it comes to inheritance.
As HelmLover1 pointed out subsequent biological children of a step parent will potentially ultimately end up with less overall.

OP posts:

stuffedpeppers · 31/03/2019 22:42

You resent the way a child treats you and want to vindicate that in your will - think that sums up your attitude.

stuffedpeppers · 31/03/2019 22:47

OK - so House C is yours!
Your inheritance - yours to do whatever you want with -you sort it out pre death!

So is the joint house contributed to exactly 50% aswell?
I see DSC getting 33% of fathers own house and on your reckoning DSD will get 16.5% and you will get your wish - she gets less than her siblings because she does not treat you the way you want!!

I think your DP is less bitter an eminently sensible split the marital assets three ways.

stuffedpeppers · 31/03/2019 22:47

sorry 16.5% of house B

Original poster

Whatawill · 31/03/2019 22:48

@stuffedpeppers you are way wide of the mark. Please don't take this thread off at an unnecessary tangent.

OP posts:

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