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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Do I go my mother in laws wedding?

106 replies

kahmN88 · 26/03/2019 19:52

Iv been with my DP for 4 years now we both have kids he has 2 (age 8 & 9) I have 2 (age 9 &10) He moved in with me 3 years ago and his kids stay every wknd. His mum is getting married in 3weeks my DP and I got a all day invite but no invite for my children! Kids have been invited to the wedding they’ve even arranged a candy cart and children entertainment for the kids, My DP is best man and his daughters bridesmaids. I just think that my kids should have had an invite to the wedding as we have been together so long.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nanny3 · 27/03/2019 06:29

I wouldnt go

Whoops75 · 27/03/2019 06:41

I wouldn’t go

I think it would be cruel for your children to see the four of ye head off and be left behind.

MissWimpyDimple · 27/03/2019 06:56

No way would I go! I'd do something lovely with my DC and stick two fingers up at the bitch.

Singlenotsingle · 27/03/2019 07:10

Just ask the woman if your dc are invited. If she says no, just say you don't want to leave them for the day and you don't mind paying for them if that's the problem. Otherwise you'll have to decline the invitation, wish her all the best and plan a lovely, special day out for you and our dc

flowery · 27/03/2019 07:30

That’s not good that she’s only met them a couple of times in three years. What has your DP done/said about you and the kids not being invited to family gatherings? Surely he can’t have been happy about that?

smallereveryday · 27/03/2019 07:31

I also agree with SandyY2k. Nothing annoys me more than this chocolate box fantasy of exactly 'how blended families must be' Many blends have different arrangements. Often depends on the dcs visitation schedule, the reason for the split, the loyalties felt by gps to the ex .

So many different permutations .
Personally, if I was getting married again and my sons girlfriend had children I had only met a couple of times in 4 yrs - then I wouldn't be inviting to a wedding! I have zero relationship with them. Just because someone somewhere dictated that all partners children MUST be treated equally to my grandchildren- doesn't actually make it real ! .

I would assume from this particular scenario- from the few clues provided, that your partners mother (she isn't your MIL as you aren't married) is still close to his ex's family (his ex MIL is invited) and by your own words - has very little to do with you. Indicating that perhaps she doesn't support the split and has not confined him moving on to a new relationship.
Not your fault.
Her choice - and given the facts of no relationship- understandable.

I would ask your partner why his mother doesn't want to get to know you and yours and suggest he helps you develop a relationship going forward.

Meanwhile I would get a babysitter and go to the wedding.

C0untDucku1a · 27/03/2019 07:33

Youre relationship is going nowhere if you can’t have a simple conversation like this.

museumum · 27/03/2019 07:36

I think your dp has to ask his mum if he’s step kids are invited.
Not you. Him.

If not then no I wouldn’t go. Not to hold a grudge or anything but just because it would be unkind to the kids to see you go off with his kids and leave them.

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/03/2019 07:48

I think this is a message being sent to you that you are not really invited because mil knows you will be staying behind to look after your dc.

If after 3 years you haven’t been invited places as a family in your mils eyes you are not part of her family and in your dps eyes unfortunately despite being good with the children you are not the one who he is going to spend the rest of his life with and be part of his wider family.

If he allows you and your dc to be treated like this then deep down there is something else going on.

I wouldn’t go and I would also be seriously considering my relationship overall with Dp if he went without you and the dc.

swingofthings · 27/03/2019 07:52

In normal circumstances, if you've been together 3 years, you would now be part of her family a well as your kids. Your kids would have seen her more than twice. She would have come to yours and you would have gone her hers.

So clearly there are things going on that hasn't been mentioned and she has invited you only out of respe t for her son but doesn't care for your kids. I would focus on why she feels that way overall rather than just on the wedding.

CherryPavlova · 27/03/2019 08:03

I can’t imagine ever using children differently when they are part of the same family - blended or otherwise. This whole notion of him being good with your children I find odd. If he’s a partner then he is surely an equal partner and you also be respected as such. I think it’s very bad form to invite half of a couple or an incomplete family. You should be considerate of your guests circumstances.
Most of these things come down to poor communication though. You can’t expect people to offer advice when the root problem hasn’t been identified. Your partner doesn’t appear to have had the conversation with his mother about who is invited/excluded and why. The pair of you don’t seem to have had the conversation about what his mother is thinking and whether this is acceptable. You haven’t rung her to clarify. Until those discussions take place you can’t really make a decision.
What you can know is that it’s not a true partnership and he doesn’t really see you’re children as part of his family.

Original poster

kahmN88 · 27/03/2019 08:03

My children are not invited. I did ask him why when he said about babysitters! DP reply was just a shrug! I said I would sort it but it has been annoying me as my DC are old enough to see what’s happening as iv had my DP kids here and they are so excited about the wedding and all that’s happening but my DC can’t be part of that

OP posts:

postiepostie · 27/03/2019 08:22

It sounds a bit like she doesn't know you and that your boyfriend is happy to keep it that way.

She's still friendly with his ex MIL and probably doesn't want to risk going through another fallout/breakup. He could do this time and time again. How many children that are not her relatives should she "bond" with?

That said, if there truly are 300 guests it probably wouldn't have hurt to have a couple more as he is her son

LindaLa · 27/03/2019 08:25

I wouldn't go and I would also make it very clear that if after 3 years living in the same house he doesn't regard you and yours family then maybe you need a very serious conversation.

Maybe they haven't been invited because he never asked.

pootyisabadcat · 27/03/2019 08:38

I wouldn't go because sorry, but a woman old with grandchildren having some big white wedding with candy carts and son as 'best man' is so beyond naff and tacky I'd not bother.

Bunbunbunny · 27/03/2019 08:41

I wouldn't go if my DCs were not invited and I'd be considering my relationship with my DP as well as he clearly thinks it's ok and doesn't see your DCs as part of his family

Whoops75 · 27/03/2019 08:44

If ye are otherwise happy I wouldn’t make this about your relationship.
Setting rules will only come back to bite you in the ass when it’s something in your side.
Let him and his kids go and you stay home with yours. No row, no fuss.

CherryPavlova · 27/03/2019 08:46

Now we was they definitely aren’t invited, I’m with pootyisabadcat.

cstaff · 27/03/2019 08:56

I'm not sure I would be able to enjoy such a day knowing that my kids are sitting at home uninvited. It does seem like bad form and if it is a big wedding two more would not have made a huge difference.

NWQM · 27/03/2019 09:16

For me the issue here is the fact that this wedding has brought to a head that although he lives with you his family are not accepting your family as part of theirs. He is close enough to be best man but not to have introduced his step children into his family.

His shrug really isn't a good enough response - by a long way.

Chocolateisfab · 27/03/2019 09:51

What happens if they get future big invites? Christmas? Big Birthday meal? You all to accept you /dc aren't included? If you marry you surely won't be inviting her will you? Frankly your dp is an arse.
Won't describe mil. Unprintable!!

NappyDisco · 27/03/2019 09:57

I don't expect grandparents to treat step grandchildren as their own at all. And if this was about presents or inheritance I'd be on her side.

But if kids are invited and you're invited and you're all a family, not inviting yiur chikdren isn't right. This is just rude to you.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/03/2019 09:57

I wouldn’t go. And be very clear to your partner that it’s because your children have been deliberately excluded from a family occasion.

NappyDisco · 27/03/2019 09:58

And no, i wouldn't go. And id think less of dh for not saying so.ething to mil to start with.

NappyDisco · 27/03/2019 09:59

Send her a card.

Dear MIL,

Sorry couldn't make it. No babysitter. Second marriages dont really mean anything anyways though do they?

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