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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Do I go my mother in laws wedding?

106 replies

kahmN88 · 26/03/2019 19:52

Iv been with my DP for 4 years now we both have kids he has 2 (age 8 & 9) I have 2 (age 9 &10) He moved in with me 3 years ago and his kids stay every wknd. His mum is getting married in 3weeks my DP and I got a all day invite but no invite for my children! Kids have been invited to the wedding they’ve even arranged a candy cart and children entertainment for the kids, My DP is best man and his daughters bridesmaids. I just think that my kids should have had an invite to the wedding as we have been together so long.

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PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 26/03/2019 21:14

I wouldn’t go and tbh I would have a serious think about a relationship with a man who allows his family to treat me like that - I’m assuming he lives with you and your children when I say thus.

AutumnCrow · 26/03/2019 21:23

Do you often feel you can't raise important issues with him, in the moment, OP? Because I'd have had some sort of conversation right then, the minute he asked about a babysitter, out of normal human instinct, certainly a basic, 'Why would I need a babysitter? I thought we were all going?'

LatentPhase · 26/03/2019 21:38

If she has never been to your house and barely invited you to any family functions I’m not sure this would come as a massive surprise? Some people just are funny about ‘second time around relationships’ and see them as second-class. There may be restrictions on numbers. It may have been thrashed out to get the guests that the bride and groom want. It says more about MIL and her wedding and than you and I wouldn’t get overly upset about it tbh.

nerfertiti · 26/03/2019 21:40

This reply has been deleted

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PinkCrayon · 26/03/2019 21:41

I wouldnt go and I also couldnt see how my relationship could continue if my dp behaved like yours.

You should be able to tell him what you think, personally I would have said something there and then. You have to be comfortable enough in a relationship to be able to express yourself.
You and your kids deserve more.

Lollypop701 · 26/03/2019 21:41

I wouldn’t go. 4 years is a relationship, and mil is not engaging with her ds blended family at all. If your dp doesn’t say anything now , is he ever going to say anything?

Magda72 · 26/03/2019 21:42

I actually can't believe this post. Your dp LIVES with you & your dc & he's ok with his dm not inviting the kids he lives with to her wedding!!! As others have said I can't believe you've said nothing!!!
If no kids were going or if it was a small wedding & she limited it to her dgcs, or if dp didn't live with you & your dc I'd get it - but with a wedding this size with kids so obviously welcome & with you guys actually sharing a home together she is being downright rude, but not as rude as your dp who needs a good (metaphorical) smack!!!

Chocolateisfab · 26/03/2019 21:45

Be a good dampener on mil to have her ds move back home...

MiddleClassProblem · 26/03/2019 21:46

To me it sounds like she doesn’t see you as family to her or even him. She sees you as his girlfriend but not him as a step parent to your DC.

How long was it between you and his ex?

Sounds like she’s feeling loyal to ex. Whether it’s in a malicious way or just taking a long time for her to get used to depends on how she normally treats you.

OhioOhioOhio · 26/03/2019 21:48

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't make a fuss. I'd just casually mention I'd be doing something else on Saturday and see what my partner said. I'd definitely not go though.

OhioOhioOhio · 26/03/2019 21:48

At all. I wouldn't be angling for an invite. I'd be over it.

SandyY2K · 26/03/2019 22:06

she has met my DC a couple of times

This says it all really. She doesn't know your DC.

There's a lot of drama on here about 'going nuclear' .. 'he's a dick' ... 'pin her down'.... If you go with that kind of advice.... I can't see your relationship lasting tbh.

You've said he's good with your kids. He takes them to clubs etc... doesn't sound like their dad is in the picture...or I'd have thought, he'd be the obvious choice to look after them

So much expectation of stepgrandparents... and (legally speaking, she's not even that.

The DC can be treated equally in your house.. but expecting your DPs mother to do the same isn't a right.

Will you expect birthday and Christmas presents, when she buys them for her GC?

A lot of GPs tread with caution in these situations. If you and he split, she'll never see your DC again... it's heartbreaking to develop that bond and have it taken away.

I know someone who experienced exactly that. She bonded with the little girl, but when her DS and his DP split up, she was cut off, even though she asked if she could still see her.

Her GC will always be her GC. Yours.. are the DC of her DSs partner/GF.

If you don't want to go because they're not invited, that's your choice, but asking for an invite when they've not been invited or raising the issue is wrong IMO.

If a family member of yours was getting married, would his kids be invited?

timeisnotaline · 26/03/2019 22:25

I don’t think I’d go either. I don’t think it would be the right thing to do without my kids.

morewashingtodooo · 26/03/2019 22:44

'She doesn't know your dc' is no bloody excuse, you think she know all the plus ones too?
She is being nasty and you dp is very much to blame. I would never ever let that happen to my dp or him to me. My dp's parents are regularly asking my dc to come down, the dad makes lunch and dinner, even got them a Christmas gift. And my dc are tweens.
If your dp can allow his mother to act like this then you have a bigger problem, you let it go on for to long, and now she can say ' that is her wedding and she can invite who she likes' but it's ruthless.
If you do choose to go make sure your dp is solely responsible for his dc, you don't have yours and you don't need to be helping out with his.

Sorry for the rant

PerspicaciaTick · 26/03/2019 22:54

Talk to your DP.
Talk to his mum.
Don't let yourself be whipped into a froth of righteous indignation until you know what is happening and what solutions they are offering.

sackrifice · 26/03/2019 23:03

Don't let yourself be whipped into a froth of righteous indignation until you know what is happening and what solutions they are offering.

Solutions? She only found out when he askd who was babysitting her kids.

PerspicaciaTick · 26/03/2019 23:05

Well the conversation might go "Of course your DCs are invited, the invitation is for all of you. I assumed you would realise". She won't know until she talks to them.

snop · 26/03/2019 23:13

I definitely would not be going, how rude of her op. Your partner should be the one asking why his step children aren't invited. I would stay away as she had shown with her actions how she really feels.

funinthesun19 · 26/03/2019 23:22

I wouldn’t be going. If she can send a clear message then you send one right back.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/03/2019 23:57

If she doesn't have a real relationship with the children (and it sounds as if she doesn't really have much of a one with you, either) then I'm not surprised at the lack of invite. As we read on MN all the time "her wedding, her rules".

But I certainly wouldn't go and I would let DP know exactly why.

SandyY2K · 27/03/2019 00:08

until you know what is happening and what solutions they are offering.

Why should they be offering solutions? It's not their problem to find solutions for.

The OP finds a babysitter or sits it out.

The MIL not knowing your DC is a good enough reason not to invite them IMO.

Some pp are far too dramatic over this.

From the update, it's clear that your MIL doesn't want to get too close for whatever reason. She's declined invitations to come to your house. Perhaps she wouldn't feel comfortable in your house and doesn't see it as her sons place ..seeing as he moved in with you.

You mentioned not being invited to other gatherings... some people are old fashioned and don't take non married couples as being so committed. You don't know what her view is, but it does sound like she's keeping her distance, which her prerogative. She's already seen him split from one DIL....she might be weary about getting too close to you/your kids.

He split with the mother of kids, so it would be a lot easier to split up with you.

I know my DPs felt like that when my brother got married for the second time.

I think it's important to see things from different perspectives, not just focusing on your own agenda.

Your DPs mum is really under no obligation to invite your DC, who she's seen on a couple of occasions.

Your DC have no relationship with her. There was a thread where the OPs brother uninvited her DC... I can understand why she was annoyed ... because apart from being uninvited...it was their Uncle.

A similar thread to this, had the OP begging her DH not to be the best man at his brother's wedding, because her DC weren't invited. Absolutely ridiculous and controlling IMO.

This isn't invitation by association. Far better to be dignified and when it comes down to it...the most important thing, is that your DP who lives with you, treats your DC well.

You're not in a relationship with his family and focusing on peripheral issues that don't impact on your day to day life, won't bode well for you.

Magda72 · 27/03/2019 00:44

I would normally say this type of stuff is not such a big deal & have done so on other posts. However, in this case where the wedding is so obviously child friendly and is being treated as a massive party, I think it is very rude to not include the kids her son lives with. In a wedding of 100 + people it's pretty pointed to leave two young kids out. Ok she doesn't know them so well but I bet there are plenty of people coming to the Afters she doesn't know so well either!

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Firefliess · 27/03/2019 00:46

My cousin invited my kids to her wedding (and me and DP) but not his kids, whom she'd not met. Step families are complex and I don't think having hard rules such as "we're a unit" work well, especially if some of the kids do in fact spend some of their time with their other parent.

But I think the problem you've got is communication. It shouldn't be "dawning on you" that your kids aren't invited. It should be something that either your MIL or DP realise might be an issue for you and take the time to talk through the reasons for not including them (limited numbers, think they'd be bored with people they don't know, don't really know them, etc) and check you're ok about it.

Tell your DH how you feel about it and ask him whether his mum has spoken to him about it as all. If she hasn't I'd ask him to discuss it with her for you, find out her reasons and possibly ask whether they can attend

adulthumanwolf · 27/03/2019 03:27

I actually agree with @SandyY2K here.

OhioOhioOhio · 27/03/2019 06:24

Yeah Sandy has a point. But so has the next pp who states the important fact about communicating instead of guessing.

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