Do I go my mother in laws wedding?

[kahmN88]

Iv been with my DP for 4 years now we both have kids he has 2 (age 8 & 9) I have 2 (age 9 &10) He moved in with me 3 years ago and his kids stay every wknd. His mum is getting married in 3weeks my DP and I got a all day invite but no invite for my children! Kids have been invited to the wedding they’ve even arranged a candy cart and children entertainment for the kids, My DP is best man and his daughters bridesmaids. I just think that my kids should have had an invite to the wedding as we have been together so long.

Dear mil,
Sorry couldn't make it.
No babysitter.. Will try and make sure I am free for the next one though...

He is close enough to be best man but not to have introduced his step children into his family.

What do you mean by he's close enough to be best man. It's his mum FGS. Of course her son is close enough to be her best man. Why wouldn't he be.

They're not his SC though. In the same way a partner is not a spouse.

Life happens...relationships end and people move on, but you can neither force or expect equal treatment from others in relation to stepchildren or partner's children.

You and your partner/spouse treating them equally is all you have control of.

This is a wedding, but where does it end? Like expecting equal value gifts to the one's she gives her GC?

If your DPs kids are getting excited about the wedding, you tell your DC it's the DCs GMs wedding. She's not your DCs GM.

When my DC were younger they asked why they weren't invited to an event their cousins were going to...as they're all very close. I told them it was a relative on their (cousins) dads side of the family, rather than their Mum's (my Dsis). They understood.

Would your DM invite his DC if she was getting married? Does she even know them?

A very useful approach I've adopted in life is to accept the things I cannot change and adjust my attitude, so those things don't have a negative impact on me. Otherwise you can end up extremely stressed out.

In the grand scheme of things, 2 extra kids is nothing, but I suspect the real issue, is she's not close to you...meaning your DC are even further away from her.

You have a DP who does a lot with your DC and you don't mention any issues with him, so making this a relationship issue as several pp have suggested would be extremely unwise.

your children have been deliberately excluded from a family occasion

The kids aren't her DPs mums family though. If this relationship ends, he could walk out of the door and never see the DC again. He has no rights to see them... as just mum's ex boyfriend and wouldn't have even if he was a stepdad.

To the pp who said DPs mum shouldn't be invited to their wedding (if they get married)... you need to get real. It makes no sense at all.

Why would his mum not be invited to his wedding, when he was invited to hers.

A sure way to kill your relationship is doing any of things in the last two posts. I'm sure they were not serious though.

For all those posters saying she can’t handle her ds having a second relationship, all the more reason not to go. It’s obviously a second marriage, no point meeting the guy. It’s not like he’ll ever be family.
Just send an apology note, I don’t have a babysitter. No need to create a big fight with mil (although I’d want to) but tell dp you’re very disappointed he didn’t tell his mum that’s not on, and you see him a bit differently now.
What happens at Christmas?

Your issue is your husband.
I have a stepson, he's with us 50/50 and is very much my family and has been happily accepted by my parents and extended family. If he was specifically not invited to a family occasion I wouldn't go, never mind DH.

Sorry OP but children need to learn that they cannot expect 'the same' in all things. They ALL have different parents and therefore different lives. Sometimes you will go with yours to things. Sometimes yours will receive treats and presents that your dsc don't get. It's life ! If you don't make a big thing of it neither will they.

It seems to me that she has not invited them because she does not want you to go. She is hoping you will refuse the invite, then will probably bad mouth you. In light of the way she has treated you, I would plan a fun day out with your own kids and then ignore her in future.

I have had to invite my good friends partner to my wedding, even though I despise the very air he breathes because of the way he treats her. I did this because it is important to me that my friend is there and if I didn’t invite him she would be hurt and probably wouldn’t come.
And your partners mother doesn’t think that it would be a kind and appropriate gesture on a happy family occasion to include the children her own son lives with and her GC spend every weekend with?
Bigger problem that your partner doesn’t seem to realise that his casual acceptance of this shoddy treatment reflects poorly on the strength of your relationship as a whole.

@SandyY2K Never heard of brides having a best man. Best men are usually chosen by the groom.

As you say he is her soon. She is having a large wedding but doesn't have space for 2 people who he lives with.

@NWQM

Never heard of brides having a best man. Best men are usually chosen by the groom.

I agree that's normally the case, but there are so many non-conventional things people do these days at weddings.

I hadn't heard of best woman till a couple of years ago.

If the groom has chosen him, then they obviously get on very well. Either that or he had no one else to ask.

OP - I wonder if your DC would feel upset attending (even if they were invited) and not being part of the bridal party like your OHs DC.

Bigger problem that your partner doesn’t seem to realise that his casual acceptance of this shoddy treatment reflects poorly on the strength of your relationship as a whole.

I guess this is a matter of perception tbh. He may not see it as shoddy treatment. To him it's probably a case of my DM isn't inviting my DPs/GFs kids, because she's only seen them a couple of times and barely knows them. He may feel he has no right to demand invitations for them.

My SIL is stepmother to my niece and nephews.. they don't get invited to all events her family do, even when her siblings kids are invited. I totally get it.

It's a non issue for my DB.... and I only hear about or when he says we're going to X this weekend and might mention his DC are with their DM.

Why has she never been to your house and met your kids only twice in 4 years?

@kahmN88 sooooo, you have to accept his kids and have them round every other wkend BUT his family can push you and yours out? HMMM bye mate not what I want my DC around 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻

I guess this is a matter of perception tbh. He may not see it as shoddy treatment. To him it's probably a case of my DM isn't inviting my DPs/GFs kids, because she's only seen them a couple of times and barely knows them. He may feel he has no right to demand invitations for them.

I would agree, if this was a small wedding rather than an “intimate” wedding of around 300 people. You think MIL is bosom buddies with all that lot? No. She’s being very unkind and the OPs partner is just accepting it.

Absolutely you should NOT go under these circumstances, if your children are excluded. Ok, she doesn't know them very well, but they are now part of her son's family unit.

If it was a very small wedding it might be different, but it's a big do with so many children going she's laying on an entertainer! Doubt she knows them all, or the 'plus ones' of many people attending. As for getting a baby sitter while you, your DP and his kids get dressed up to go to a big party without them?! Sod that!!

I hope the expectation isn't for you to mind/supervise his DC whilst he carries out his best man duties. That would be really taking the piss.

Hmmm
My feeling is that you should talk to your DP and tell him it bothers you. See what he does..If he is as great with your kids as you say he will see it might be hurtful to them. If he doesn't care he is not that great.

Some mitigation towards your MIL is that she doesn't know your children. 2 times is nothing and if your partner never insisted on including them she probably doesn't feel she has to.

In my family my SD has been not invited to my brothers wedding. She is older though -16 then, 18now- and whenever she was invited to my family she always declined. So they don't have any relationship with her and I wouldn't expect an invite to any family events.

Don't send her a card with dear MIL anything. Cause she's not your MIL. You don't know her!!

That is a good point Bahhhhhumbug

How is he supposed to look after his dc and be best man which will be taking him physically away from them during the day.

Either op is the one to look after them or he could start looking for a baby sitter like he suggested the op did.

No way would I be going.

WhiteCat1704 at least your SD had the invites and it was her choice to go or not.

Ops dc aren’t getting that option

*WhiteCat1704 at least your SD had the invites and it was her choice to go or not.

Ops dc aren’t getting that option*

Yes, I know. OPs children are a lot younger too which makes it more hurtful.
I think it's DP problem rather than MIL. It's up to him to make it clear to his family how important SC are. And if he hasn't it seems they aren't..

As you say dp I am assuming you arent married...
Therefore dont invite her to your wedding if you marry him, after all you dont know her do you? What a great excuse

As you say dp I am assuming you arent married...
Therefore dont invite her to your wedding if you marry him, after all you dont know her do you? What a great excuse

Except the groom would know her. Fairly well....
So he would get to invite her to his wedding.

"Except the groom would know her. Fairly well....
So he would get to invite her to his wedding."

No there are new rules at this wedding after all as Mil chooses the grooms bestman at her own wedding, things change apparently.
Op only gets to pick the guestlist for her own wedding both the bride and groom "have to know" the guests!, oh and op make sure you invite your mils, ex mils, friends, boyfriends cat after all they couldnt possibly miss it!

The OH's children are presumably covered. Their other grandma has been invited.

It's tricky as she doesn't have any relationship with your children - she's only met them once or twice so may not have even thought to invite them.
It is her wedding - there's always so much to organise and she'll be very focused on her family and inviting people she knows well, id say something and assume it's a genuine mistake

"Except the groom would know her. Fairly well....
So he would get to invite her to his wedding."

Exactly.

Having your mother at your wedding and your son's GFs children is not comparable.

I'm not sure why one would think the groom would agree to this at any rate.

There may well be older bridesmaids who can look after her DPs kids and with the entertainment laid on for the kids, I doubt the OP will need to look after them. They'll have their other grandma there as well.

"Having your mother at your wedding and your son's GFs children is not comparable"

For some people maybe not? But not everyone has a close or reasonable relationship with their mother and would infact put their stepchildren first.

In this case its all really rather strange...
Why if you were "close" to your son would you not visit his home? Make an effort with his wife?
But want him to be bestman to your new husband at your wedding because you are so close?
Totally weird...
Sounds like a very disfunctional relationship particularly as he didnt even question it. I think anyone with half a brain could see that it wasnt a very kind action to take or very welcoming.