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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step children hurting my toddler

110 replies

19kik · 20/03/2019 15:35

I have 2 step children 7 and 5, and I have a toddler who is 18 months old. I'm at my witts end the 2 step children are constantly hurting my toddler. They do it when they think no one is looking or even sometimes while me and their dad are sat in the same room. They do not listen when told to stop it. What do I do? Do I ban them seeing my toddler? Because that is the only option I can Come up with as we have told them they won't be coming to our house if they carry on doing this, but they have to see their dad. We normally have them 3 nights a week but 3 nights of my little one getting hurt is really getting me down. I can't even go into the kitchen To make a drink, or even go to the toilet with out having to take the little one with me as as soon as I leave they will do something they aren't supposed to do. Its things like pushing the little one off her ride on car, getting her into a head lock and squeezing, hand around the throat, nipping, tripping up, squeezing head and face. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Em3891 · 20/03/2019 16:33

That's awful! What does your dp say about their behaviour?

Wolfiefan · 20/03/2019 16:36

What happens when they behave like this? Does DP deal with it? How?
They don’t have to come to your house and hurt your child.

ems137 · 20/03/2019 16:53

That's disgusting behaviour from that age children, they are old enough to know that it's wrong. However, there's always a reason for bad behaviour and it's probably jealousy. You (both) need to make sure they're really included in family life and maybe have more one2one time with dad where his attention is totally on them.

My 3.5 year old often hurts my 1.5 year old and I very often feel like I'm a referee, telling them both off. I went upstairs to collect the washing yesterday and as soon as I got to the top of the stairs the youngest was screaming! I am using a mixture of telling off, explaining and encourage empathy, timeouts and also removal of treats that day.

Helga55 · 20/03/2019 16:59

Is the father of your step children also the father of your toddler?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 20/03/2019 17:07

getting her into a head lock and squeezing, hand around the throat,

This is really worrying! Where are they seeing this particular kind of violence?

TheMightyToosh · 20/03/2019 17:18

Do they do it to each other as well, or just your toddler?

SandyY2K · 20/03/2019 19:10

They absolutely can't be left alone with her. Have you asked them why they do this?

They're old enough to know it's wrong. What consequences do they face for this behaviour?

Smoggle · 20/03/2019 19:14

You need to supervise really closely and have absolute zero tolerance for violence.

I have a 8, 5 and 1 year old and the older ones would never hurt the baby.

slipperywhensparticus · 20/03/2019 19:15

Where is the dad when they do this? Are you watching all three alone?

Preggosaurus9 · 20/03/2019 19:15

There must be immediate consequences every single time they do it. How does DH react when he witnesses it?

How horrible.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 20/03/2019 19:20

What is your DP doing??!!
He needs to step up and remedy the situation or tell him they’re no longer welcome. Your child’s safety comes first.

lisamac28 · 20/03/2019 21:10

I absolutely would not have this, it's terrible. I would tell your DH/DP that until he and his ex sort out this behaviour, then he'll have to see the kids outside of your home.

Banhaha · 20/03/2019 22:11

Is it possible for them to only be allowed around when he is there to supervise them? (And punish them if needed).

Sounds a very hard situation to be in.

Ohyesiam · 20/03/2019 22:15

What did they say when you talk to them about it?

What sanctions have you put in place ?

Toomuchbabytv · 20/03/2019 22:16

I absolutely would not leave them with your toddler and I would be arranging visits outside of the house, can't believe what I am reading, my 2 year old would never ever do this to a baby so at that age they should be aware, jealous or not this is simply not on

endofthelinefinally · 20/03/2019 22:26

This is really sinister.
Where have they learned this behaviour?
I would talk to your health visitor. Your toddler could be seriously hurt or worse.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 20/03/2019 22:30

Immediate consequence - send them straight back to their mum.

Mummyshark2018 · 20/03/2019 22:43

we have told them they won't be coming to our house if they carry on doing this, but they have to see their dad.

This stands out to me. In a 'typical' family siblings have to live together full time, not having all the children together would not be realistic. Sibling rivalry is normal, sounds like they see their much younger half sibling a threat, but the responsibility is on their dh and you creating a safe and welcoming environment for all the children in your household. I wonder what the older dc would perceive was happening. I absolutely do not condone or accept aggression but would be more curious about the function of the behaviour- e.g. what are they getting out of it?

Smoggle · 20/03/2019 22:50

Immediate consequence - send them straight back to their mum
Why on earth should their mum have to pick up the pieces for their dad failing to parent? She might actually be busy!

Banhaha · 20/03/2019 23:02

Has their mum been told of this behaviour? Very worring if they are attacking a younger child so she night want to help?

Wolfiefan · 20/03/2019 23:03

What’s the mum going to do if she doesn’t live there? The father of the kids needs to start acting like a father.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 20/03/2019 23:48

The child who is at risk needs to be protected as a priority. Tough luck if their mum is busy, what else can they do?

Banhaha · 21/03/2019 06:45

The mum could help address the behaviour when the step-children are with her by telling them she's heard what's happened and that she isn't happy. This way they children will know it's not just their Dad and stepmum who find it unacceptable. She could also help reinforce any punishment.

For example if my SC do anything when they are with us that gets a punishment of say a ban from TV for two days but it happens at the end of their time with us their mum has agreed to carry it on when they go back to hers and visa versa. Otherwise the children know they can do what they like for the last afternoon without consequence.

I am not saying the Dad shouldn't be there doing immediate intervention but this is a serious problem so it would help for both parents to be on the same page.

Original poster

19kik · 21/03/2019 09:19

Thanks for all your responses, I'm glad you all agree as I feel like I'm being harsh but my prioritie is to keep my toddler safe. To answer all your questions, my toddlers dad is the older children's dad, he does tell them off and punish them we have also spoke to their mum who agrees it's wrong but I feel the punishment isn't working. They came for a weekend and we was very stern with them but a few days later when they came they just carried on with the behaviour. It seems liek they don't care about consequences. I have told my partner I do not want them near the little one. He has said he will speak to the older children's mum again. I don't see it having much of a difference. The older children also think it's acceptable to treat each other like this too. We explain that you should love each other not fight each other. We take them out places regularly to keep them busy but if we punish them for doing these things to the toddler it just seems to get worse for her. I am having to stand my ground now and say enough is enough. It is not fair.

OP posts:

PrincessScarlett · 21/03/2019 09:25

I think you need to stop them coming to your house until this is resolved. Dad can still see them but somewhere else. Both their mum and your DP needs to present a united front in their parenting and discipline their children properly.

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