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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step children hurting my toddler

110 replies

19kik · 20/03/2019 15:35

I have 2 step children 7 and 5, and I have a toddler who is 18 months old. I'm at my witts end the 2 step children are constantly hurting my toddler. They do it when they think no one is looking or even sometimes while me and their dad are sat in the same room. They do not listen when told to stop it. What do I do? Do I ban them seeing my toddler? Because that is the only option I can Come up with as we have told them they won't be coming to our house if they carry on doing this, but they have to see their dad. We normally have them 3 nights a week but 3 nights of my little one getting hurt is really getting me down. I can't even go into the kitchen To make a drink, or even go to the toilet with out having to take the little one with me as as soon as I leave they will do something they aren't supposed to do. Its things like pushing the little one off her ride on car, getting her into a head lock and squeezing, hand around the throat, nipping, tripping up, squeezing head and face. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

19kik · 21/03/2019 09:27

Also, when they are here they get all their dads attention, I can't see it being jealousy. We ban TV, treats, and toys. They don't care about that though. We also do time out but they will sit there no bother. The mother isn't much help but if it was her children being hurt it it would be world war!

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 21/03/2019 09:29

I absolutely would not have this, it's terrible. I would tell your DH/DP that until he and his ex sort out this behaviour, then he'll have to see the kids outside of your home.

Agreed. This behaviour is extreme and potential fatal with strangling, squeezing her head etc.

I would not have them around my child until they could learn how to behave.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/03/2019 09:29

What are the punishments?

LazyLizzy · 21/03/2019 09:31

Your poor DD

I wouldn't have the DSC in my house. Your DP needs to make other arrangements when he has them.

You need to protect your child.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/03/2019 09:35

Xpost.

Ok so I would be sending them to their rooms if the other punishments aren’t working.

I work with the idea of “natural consequences”. To me the natural consequence of violence is that you are removed from “society”. Society in this context is the family areas of the house. So the child is sent to their room (no playing with toys or watching TV or consoles while there! Remove them all) and they only come out when they have explained why they were sent there (to show they understand the reason) and given a genuine apology to the “victim” and to everyone else in the house for causing upset. They get warned that if there is another incident of violence or bullying towards anyone else in the house they go straight back to their room. Ask them if they want that, if they say yes (arrogance) you send them straight back immediately. If they say no you ask them how will they avoid being sent back to their room and make sure they understand the terms of their “release”.

snitzelvoncrumb · 21/03/2019 09:48

Could you stop the step kids from coming over for a few weeks, dad could have some time with the older kids, try to break the cycle of them feeling jealous. Then focus on rewarding positive interactions between the kids. If you feel you have tried to sort out the why is it happening, I would insist their dad is always there when they are, have a rule that they can't touch the toddler at all and the consequences of them breaking the rules are straight to bed or something they will hate.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/03/2019 09:55

All these people suggesting the kids don’t come over anymore or for a while, where are you suggesting this man takes his children for 3 days and nights a week?

Or are you suggesting he doesn’t take them and leave them with their mother?

PrincessScarlett · 21/03/2019 09:56

How long has this been going on OP?

The trouble with allowing them to stay in the house is that if this has been happening for some time your toddler won't feel safe in their own home. The toddler will be living in fear for 3 days a week and I don't think that is fair on your toddler at all.

averythinline · 21/03/2019 09:57

I'm not sure stopping tehm coming over is the right approach if tehy are feeling jealous and upset about a new sibling then this just makes it worse...as they will feel abandoned..and blame the toddler even more...
You may love your toddler cute ways but they are oftne a pain in teh arse to slightly older children .....try looking at it through their eyes...(remembring children are not always logical and see how things feel to them)

how long has it been going on?
you and dh are the adults - you need to come up with an approach you are happy with - and yes that maybe a lot of work from you both at the begining and non stop on it but you both need to break the cycle and the time and effort now will be worth it

there's lots of research and advice on dealing with managing sibling rivalry online /books- there are some simple tips her ...but find an approach that works for both you and dh - you must be a team - if their mum goes along great but you both need to be a team at yours...

www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/sibling-rivalry

PrincessScarlett · 21/03/2019 09:59

Maxi, I would suggest they either go to grandparents as a mutual place, DP stays with girls at their house or they temporarily stop overnight visits until this situation is resolved and do day visits outside of OPs house.

The girls need to realise they cannot get away with their behaviour. If unresolved the toddler could end up seriously hurt.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/03/2019 10:15

DP stays with girls at their house or they temporarily stop overnight visits until this situation is resolved and do day visits outside of OPs house.

So mum has to put her life and plans on hold and get no break? No- not an acceptable solution.

This is happening in his house under his watch. he has to parent them properly rather than send the problem to other people. This won’t be solved by sending them away, that’s not dealing with it, that’s just suspending the symptoms of the problem.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/03/2019 10:17

The girls need to realise they cannot get away with their behaviour.

Absolutely.

What do you think happens when they realise that winding toddler up = get sent home to mums? They start using it to get exactly that. Toddlers can be really annoying for kids, they will start deliberately hurting him in order to get back to mums to get away from him.

Original poster

19kik · 21/03/2019 10:17

I have said they can't be around the little one anymore, I'm not sure what is going to happen regarding where their dad will be taking them, we do alot with them we only have family days out while we have them . My partner does spend one on one time with them.

OP posts:

PrincessScarlett · 21/03/2019 10:27

But the girls mum has to get on board to. She can't not do anything about it just because they are not at her house. Mum and dad equally need to discipline their girls. It's akin to saying you won't address a child's behaviour if they are bullying at school because it happens at school. It's more important than ever when there are blended families that all parents are on the same page.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/03/2019 10:30

But the girls mum has to get on board to.

Right so when they are misbehaving at her house she can just leave them with OP and their dad until she doecides they’re both behaving well enough for her to parent again, right? That’s what you’re saying? Because dad should be on board.

MumofTinies · 21/03/2019 10:33

Oh OP, I must admit I usually side with the SDC on this kind if thread but your post made me feel sick. I have an 18 month old and a 5 year old and the worst thing my DS1 has done is snatch off DS2. What you describe is not normal behaviour for children of that age. I think it's really beyond the stage of lovebombing etc the SDCs, I don't think you are left with much choice but for DH spending time with them outside the home.
What is the mum like? Has she got a partner living at home? I would bet my bottom dollar that something more sinister is going on with these poor kids, but your first duty is to safeguard your toddler.

Oh and I would bedshare with the toddler if they stay, he doesn't sound safe on his own at all.

PrincessScarlett · 21/03/2019 10:38

I'm not saying the girls should be shipped backwards and forwards, I'm saying both mum and dad need to deal with this together. One parent can't say they can't do anything about it as the kids will then realise they can play one parent off against the other.

I have only suggested stopping overnight visits temporarily as it is not on that a toddler is being deliberately hurt by much older children who should know better.

It's a very difficult and upsetting situation OP and all the adults need to get to the bottom of why the girls are hurting the toddler. I'm not sure if it's jealousy or not as OP says her DP gives the girls all his attention when they are with him.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/03/2019 10:42

I'm saying both mum and dad need to deal with this together. One parent can't say they can't do anything about it as the kids will then realise they can play one parent off against the other.

The mum hasn’t said she can’t do anything about it!

I have only suggested stopping overnight visits temporarily as it is not on that a toddler is being deliberately hurt by much older children who should know better.

OP says they also do this to each other so by your logic the mum can ship one to dads to keep them separated.

Bottom line, he is parent of 3 children and he needs to deal with this in the house. It won’t be stopped by keeping them away.

MumofTinies · 21/03/2019 10:43

Sorry I've just realised I have referred to your DD as he, having two boys I get so used to saying he!

TheMightyToosh · 21/03/2019 10:58

I asked up thread if they do this to each other as well as to the toddler because if they do, them it's a behavioural issue m rather than a targeted attack on their half-sibling.

In that case, their dad needs to parent them accordingly. You can't just bam them from the house. Where would that end? They make a mess, the lot can't come over. They grow up to be teens with not respect, they can't come over.

As PP have said, he has 3 children who he needs to parent and teach to behave properly.

VelvetPineapple · 21/03/2019 11:06

It’s utterly unacceptable. Your priority needs to be your toddler’s safety. It’s very dangerous for bigger kids to be grabbing her throat or twisting her head etc. And they’re doing it maliciously when they think you aren’t looking. They aren’t little kids either, the 7yo especially has the strength to kill a smaller child. I’m afraid I’d ban them from my home under these circumstances. Your DH will have to see them elsewhere. And I’d prioritise my child to the extent that if DH refused to keep these kids away I’d leave and take my child with me to keep her safe.

goldengummybear · 21/03/2019 11:46

It is unacceptable behaviour but banning them isn't going to solve anything. I'd hazard a guess that the 7 and 5 year olds hurt each other too. Can mum send them to yours if they do this at hers? Of course not. If the kids are jealous of toddler then banning them even temporarily is going to fan the jealousy more. If mum works when the kids are at Dad's, is she supposed to organize and pay for childcare and rearrange her life because Dad isn't parenting? As Dad is seeing the kids regularly and the behaviour is happening on his watch, he needs to lead the way in stamping this out. Toddlers can be annoying to a 7 and 5 year old but they are old enough to cope better if situations arise.

Is your h there when his kids visit? He needs to watch them like a hawk (or take toddler with him everywhere he goes) because the bigger children could really hurt your dd and she doesn't deserve to be tested like this. Can he take the older kids to see his parents instead?

goldengummybear · 21/03/2019 11:50

But the girls mum has to get on board to.

Mum is limited in what she can do when the kids aren't with her. Nobody wants their ex butting in during their time with the kids. Unless she's telling the kids to hurt toddler (highly unlikely) then all she can do is continue to encourage kindness the way that 99.9% of parents do. The Dad in this case has lots of contact so has lots of influence on behaviour.

VelvetPineapple · 21/03/2019 11:57

banning them isn't going to solve anything
Solves the problem of them hurting OP’s child and potentially causing serious injury. Everything else is somebody else’s problem. Let them hurt each other if they want, that’s up to their parents to sort. OP’s only responsibility is to her own child.

goldengummybear · 21/03/2019 12:02

You're right that it solves OP and toddler's problem and that it's really the husband's problem to solve.

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