Step children hurting my toddler

[19kik]

I have 2 step children 7 and 5, and I have a toddler who is 18 months old. I'm at my witts end the 2 step children are constantly hurting my toddler. They do it when they think no one is looking or even sometimes while me and their dad are sat in the same room. They do not listen when told to stop it. What do I do? Do I ban them seeing my toddler? Because that is the only option I can Come up with as we have told them they won't be coming to our house if they carry on doing this, but they have to see their dad. We normally have them 3 nights a week but 3 nights of my little one getting hurt is really getting me down. I can't even go into the kitchen To make a drink, or even go to the toilet with out having to take the little one with me as as soon as I leave they will do something they aren't supposed to do. Its things like pushing the little one off her ride on car, getting her into a head lock and squeezing, hand around the throat, nipping, tripping up, squeezing head and face. Any advice much appreciated.

Yes it’s their fathers problem to solve. If he can’t be home to supervise when his children are there then he needs to arrange childcare until he can be home. And that doesn’t mean just leaving them at their mother’s.

Their dad is there when the older kids are at our house. Its been going on for months we have tried everything to stop this behaviour. They go out with their dad to spend time away from the toddler, but soon as they come back they start with the behaviour. Wev been told they do it at home at their mums house to each other. They don't get any discipline at home and that's why they come to our home thinking they can get away with what ever they do.

Kids are used to different rules in different places. Even if mum allowed play fighting at home, school certainly wouldn't tolerate it. I know that what they do to the toddler is worse than playfighting btw. I use the word as that's how some adults see 2 kids of similar size wrestling (I don't know the 7 and 5 year old but they could be similar in size) Do they hurt other kids at school?

Yes They are similar size, but no they don't hurt anyone at school that I am aware of.

That's disgusting behaviour and they need discipline.
Poor you OP and your little one.

At the end of the day I am not their mother and there is only so much I can punish and discipline them their dad is really trying to sort this problem out but it seems its going in one ear and out the other . We have rules set in place at our house and they go back to their mothers who has no discipline and then come back to us forgetting that they can't behave the way they do at thier mothers. Until behaviour changes I have said they can't be trusted to be around the toddler.

Trying to sort the problem? They are kids. He needs to never leave them unsupervised with the little ones and have clear consequences for any behaviour that’s not acceptable. Don’t blame their mum for how they behave when in your care.

headlocking is serious, and needs to be dealt with sharply. You must protect your little girl from violence. What consequences do they get when you catch them? I would really think about getting them some help as well, speak to your GP and see if there is anything they can recommend therapywise. Their relationship to violence and the seeming normality of it to them is disturbing, also worrying is the seeming lack of authority you seem to have over them. What will happen when they are bigger? Bigger than your dd and bigger than you?

I wouldn't stop then coming around and i would continue having them all together but if it was me, every time they hurt each other in anyway, I'd put both the oldest in time out, separately. Do it every time and they will soon get bored trust me, it's not good and one day they could seriously hurt eachother. But your partner needs to be informing these rules and consequences just as much as you do x

If no punishments are working then I think I’d move out tbh. For the safety of my toddler.

He gives them time out, confiscates toys, talks and explains its wrong, no TV. Nothing seems to work. As I am not their mother I feel like I can't really do anything but protect my own child. Iv asked my partner to sit down with the ex and put in place punishments and routine. Which will stay the same in both houses. She's not interested in doing that. Which I can't understand. There's only so much I can do.

And also they do get rewards and treats everytime they are at our house. Its not all just punishments.

And I am in no way blaming the mother for their behaviour. It would help if she would help though

You do what you need to do to protect your own child and if that means you punishing them then you should be doing just that. I know you have written this post for help but it all seems very blase and like its not been taken seriously. Your child could be seriously hurt.. take action

God op thats an awful situation. As a op suggested, I wonder could your dh take them to his parents maybe and stay with them there? No way would I be letting them near your poor defenseless little one anymore. The poor little thing must be terrified of them

I would suggest a method called 123Magic, it's suitable for this age and it's very effective

My little one absolutely loves them and loves playing with them but when things like this are happening 4 or 5 times a day I have to stand my ground now. We will be talking about what happens next regarding sleeping arrangements, I have said they can't be around the little one until behaviour changes but I haven't done this straight away I have given chances after chances and I am not being listened too, this was the last thing I wanted to do.

Thanks for all the support and advise, I will keep you posted! X

I will look into 123magic I haven't heard of that. Thanks

I think for a couple of weeks you keep them away from your toddler, your DH takes them to grandparents or something.

This is to give all the parents time to talk and organise consistent boundaries. I personally think some therapy is needed for your SDDs, their behaviour is very extreme and you need professional help with them. That level of violence is coming from somewhere and as you said they don’t really care about the consequences so punishment isn’t going to work. You need a therapist to help them express whatever is causing this.

All parents need to be on board though and want to help so easier said than done.

Hope it goes well and you find a resolution.. good luck

If leaving them alone is the problem and punishment is not working, how about they have to go everywhere with the adult? If you or your dp need to go to the kitchen to boil a kettle, nip upstairs for something from a cupboard, throw something in the outside bin etc they go too. Every single time bar bathroom, when you take toddler. It would get tiresome for them very fast, accompanied each time with the why they can't be left alone explanation.

Unless she's telling the kids to hurt toddler (highly unlikely)
But possible. I know of a situation where the mother actively encouraged her kids to hurt their step brother. They would come home and gleefully tell her what they had done. She would laugh uproariously and say "ooh how naughty" and wink.

That ended in divorce.

We have rules set in place at our house and they go back to their mothers who has no discipline and then come back to us forgetting that they can't behave the way they do at thier mothers.

Right so what he needs to be doing before they get out of the car at your house is DH reiterating the rules and consequences and having both DSDs repeat itv back to him. This has to happen every time.

Then once in the house he does not leave the toddlers side. He has to protect his child. And he has to nip any misbehaving towards toddler or each other in the bud with instant removal to bedroom.

He has to be on this like flies on shite tbh. It has to be constant vigilance on his part until he has broken the habit in both of them. Consistency is what will do it.

Agree with valkerie tooz