Step children hurting my toddler

[19kik]

I have 2 step children 7 and 5, and I have a toddler who is 18 months old. I'm at my witts end the 2 step children are constantly hurting my toddler. They do it when they think no one is looking or even sometimes while me and their dad are sat in the same room. They do not listen when told to stop it. What do I do? Do I ban them seeing my toddler? Because that is the only option I can Come up with as we have told them they won't be coming to our house if they carry on doing this, but they have to see their dad. We normally have them 3 nights a week but 3 nights of my little one getting hurt is really getting me down. I can't even go into the kitchen To make a drink, or even go to the toilet with out having to take the little one with me as as soon as I leave they will do something they aren't supposed to do. Its things like pushing the little one off her ride on car, getting her into a head lock and squeezing, hand around the throat, nipping, tripping up, squeezing head and face. Any advice much appreciated.

*too

All these people suggesting the kids don’t come over anymore or for a while, where are you suggesting this man takes his children for 3 days and nights a week?

That is his problem to sort out.

OP’s priority is her child who is at high risk of serious harm being around them.

Stay strong OP & don’t let anyone talk you into putting your daughter at risk.

Presumably it’s his home too so OP doesn’t get to unilaterally decide his children can’t come over.

Toddler gets attention and a fun game every time they are not gentle. They get time out. Divide and rule by including whichever one of them didn't hit this time in the game. 3 days is enough for dh to give them an experience of good boundaries.

@ilovemaxibondi id love to know from reading your comments what you would do if your child was put at serious risk because this is what is happening, I'm sure your attitude would be completely different

Id personally get them a cage if they want to act like animals

id love to know from reading your comments what you would do if your child was put at serious risk because this is what is happening, I'm sure your attitude would be completely different

What do you mean what would I do? I’ve given the advice I would do!

1. Don’t leave them alone with the toddler- if they are never alone with him they won’t be hurting him.
2. consistent approach with rules and consequences and constantly reinforcing them

And of course if the OPs DH Owns the house too then she can’t say his kids can’t be there. She can ask but she doesn’t get to order it. I’d be pretty disappointed with any partner who would agree to his his children. It coming over at the request of his wife tbh.

I do apologise you have given good advice here, I'm reading a number of threads and got it wrong

Sorry about that, need a sleep and a break from a toddler and a teething baby I think maxibondi

No worries! Been there.

Haha thank you

Where the hell is your partner in all this??

Oh, HELL no... I don't believe in hitting kids, especially other people's kids, but if someone messed with my babies I would jack their asses UP. I would put them in the car PERSONALLY and have a talk with their mother.

😂😂😂 what a dick

OP - you and your partner are to blame for allowing this behaviour to start and flourish.
Let's go back in time:
A 2 yr old and a 4 yr old - have their Dad leave ( reasons irrelevant - Dad left home)
2 yr old has no knowledge of Dad at home - allowing a few months for conception and a statutory 9 months and an 18 month old.
So 10 months after he left new baby is the centre of attention - they are sidelined.
Like wise 4 yr old does have some memories and is even more sidelined - not baby anymore with Mum and now really not getting much attention with Dad.

New baby very quickly on the scene and you and your DP have set the tone for their behaviour. New baby gets attention centre of the family, has Dad all the time - they don't. As a team you and your DP have not set your family up right.

Most DCS fight, in your case it is concentrated into a few days so seems worse, but also not enough time to correct properly. This is your new family, you ( as in you and your DP) are not addressing their behaviours as a team and working this out.

But then do you really want to as you are not a family.

They get attention when they misbehave.

And by the way - stop blaming the mother - this is your family and you and your DP need to resolve this.

Banning is not an option - you are supposed to be a family.

I would put them in the car PERSONALLY and have a talk with their mother.
OP doesn't need to have a talk with their mother. Their father is right there in her house.

You have a right to discipline them too. They are in your house so your/Dh rules apply. If they break those rules you need to step in too, not just Dh. If you don't have them over to your house and Dh is forced to bring them on days out that will ultimately be like a reward - they get to do fun things with dad instead of hanging around the house. So that idea is most likely not going to work. You and Dh need to come up with discipline measures and stick to them. As soon as you see them going near toddler you tell them to be gentle. If they hurt her they are put into a room alone. Leave them there for a good 10 minutes with nothing to entertain them. Or if you have organised a trip out tell them it will be cancelled at the first sign of trouble. And most importantly follow through. If they misbehave then everyone goes home. I don't think ex will change her ways so there really is no point in trying to engage with her on this issue. Maybe she delights in the fact that the kids are brats in your house, who knows. You can only sort their behaviour while in your care.

I think if TV, games, days out dont work then you need to address the one thing that WILL work - dad. He is the ultimate sanction.

SO if they hurt the little one, dad could say, "Im sorry, I have to keep LO safe, and to do that I will have to take her to the park. Sorry that you cant come with us, because I have to make sure little one is safe, and you arent helping me keep her safe, you are hurting her."

Have a list of nice things that he can do - pop to the shop for icecream, softplay, park, swimming, walking the dog, visiting granny....who knows.

The key thing is that the LO gets dad and all the attention when hurt, and the older two lose his attention, while he reiterates the message that he has to keep the LO safe from being hurt. As a PP said, you can even divide and conquer - if one hurts and the other doesnt, then the kind one gets to go out.

This does require you to pick up the slack, but as a logical consequence, tied completely to their behaviour, it might work. You will not need to do it forever. ANd you need to use the same language, both you and dad.

ALso, he has to bevcome immune to the guilt tripping and the tears. He can say his piece very sadly - even throw in "I really wish I could take you, it makes me sad that I cant, but I have to keep LO safe and you keep hurting her/him"

You could even let them know the nice things you are planning for the weekend, so that they have to make choices about what they do - hurt LO or go to Macdonalds for icecream with dad.

Wtf is he speaking to their mum, she has nothing to do with how he chooses to parent. When they are at your house he is supposed to be the parent.
Tell him to sort it out or they won't be near your little one any more.
Whatever he's doing, isn't enough and an example of how he will parent your child.
He'll expect you to sort behaviour, he'll tell you, their mum.

explain that you should love each other not fight each other.

I wouldn't use this tactic.
I would say - sometimes brothers and sisters can be a pain. Sometimes your younger brother/sister breaks a toy, and sometimes an older brother/sister is unkind.
Be real about relationships with them.
Then say, but we all have to live together, so we have ground rules.

1. no hurting - that means hitting kicking squeezing, pinching etc
2. everyone is allowed their own stuff which the others have to respect.
3. if a toy is yours, you are allowed to say you don't want the others to play with it, but if they do, you are not allowed to hit etc to get it back, you need to ask, and if that doesn' t work, get an adult to help

This is important, it acknowledges that sibling life is not always nice. It gives people thier own space and their own boundaries.

Then have a simple, repeatable consequence. Time out, or removal of a toy, or go to your room, or whatever. Preferably something immediate, happens now, and is finished within the hour. Don't give consequences for tomorrow, next time etc. Choose something they mind losing.

At the same time, give them really positive 1:1 time with dad, or time without you and the toddler.

Holy mother of god. This is simply awful.

A 5 and 7 year old are acting like this? And towards an extremely young and vulnerable child? And no discipline is working.
You do realise that at this rate these children are on track to becoming very messed up kids?

1. their behaviour shows a distinct lack of empathy. That alone chills me to the bone. Children are naturally protective of younger ones. This is incredibly worrying behaviour
2. the complete lack of responding to discipline should also worry you. At 5 and 7 I simply had to look at my DC and they would stop. They’re much older now and even now a look can stop them. Do you have any idea of what awaits if they are not responding to discipline now?
3. you have parental responsibility of your Dc and I would emphatically remove my child from any chance of this happening? I would (quite honestly) move out with my DC and let my partner deal with it
4. your toddler will be learning from this behaviour. If you allow it to continue unchecked, don’t be surprise if as a preschooler your toddler starts doing this to other children...it will happen.

If I was your DP I would be putting my DC in play therapy and working with their schools, explaining in full the behaviour you are seeing at home. Schools can be a huge support in this regard. But I’ll try talking to the mother again? Cop out.

Protect your child. Always. These children are not your responsibility

At 5 and 7 I simply had to look at my DC and they would stop.

meanwhile, the rest of us, in the real world, realise that this DOES happen, even in the best of families.

If they are allowed to be really rough with each other at home, they will not at all understand that they cannot be rough with the toddler.
They need teaching, and rigid 100% zero tolerance reinforcing, until they finally get it

In the real world that I inhabit I would say that everyone of my Dc’s Peer groups know when they’ve gone too far. And of course fighting happens in real families, Mine wrestle/ fight all the time. As do my DC’s friends. Some of them have toddler siblings and as much as they may find them ‘annoying, whiny’ and accidently occasionally knock into a toddler, not ever have I heard of older children deliberately hurting a young child this way.

If that’s your real world, I suggest you take a look at it. Of course my kids fight. And of course they sometimes take it too far. But

A) they are not doing it with an exceptionally young toddler
B) they are fighting with a child a very similar age to themselves and they inherently understand what is acceptable (just like they understand that they can play far rougher in ballsports in the playground with their yeargroup and have to calm down if younger ages are playing).
C) under no circumstances should this parent be made to feel that her toddler should be continually exposed to this behaviour and it needs more than her father doing what he’s doing now.

It’s completely unacceptable.

There are endless threads on MN telling stepmothers they shouldn't interfere with their partner's children, and it seems some similar comments on this one. Your priority is your child, who is very young and apart from injury, could end up with lasting trauma or modelling your stepchildren's behaviour none of which is acceptable. I would ban the children from the house until this is resolved, I would raise it with your health visitor or GP to get it on record, I would also suggest your partner discusses it with his children's school and ask for help/support/counselling for the children. Until I was assured that my child was safe from any/all adverse outcomes I would not allow the older children into the house. If the mother doesn't like it or it impacts on her free time, tough. Why should her children be prioritised at your child's expense.

I would also add that if this was a reverse situation and the OP had stated that their child was being bullied by a NRP partners resident child during contact. That OP would be told (emphatically) to leave this person and protect their children and to put them first. And people would be disgusted by the OP if they decided to stay and not protect their child.

But (what a shocker) it’s the stepchildren coming in and doing this to the resident child. How dare this parent suggest that the children repeatly and deliberately physically abusing her children not be allowed in her home?

These boards are awful with the double standards they promote.