When to tell ex about change to maintenance

[Banhaha]

When do you think it would be best to inform OH's ex that he has to reduce maintenance payments as he is expecting another child? Should he let her know as soon as possible - at the same time she's told about the baby? or should he wait until it's born? Payments will still be above the level the calculator suggests but she will need to know not to expect as much. Has anyone got any experience with this? How did telling the ex go?

As soon as you can so she can plan her finances after the decrease. It depends on your guys relationship with her.

I don't have any advice but my opinion is he shouldn't reduce payments at all, do they children cost less when there is another baby on the way?

I don't have any advice but my opinion is he shouldn't reduce payments at all, do they children cost less when there is another baby on the way?

I'm with you but legally you can reduce maintenance for this reason.

How is your relationship with her? It would be nice of you to give her as much notice as possible so she can plan for the change, she's quite likely to rely on that as a stable amount of income.

Yes they do Lorddenning. As a family increases the amount of money has to stretch further so there's less per member.

Are you try s it. happens?

The existing DC mustn't be short-changed.

CSA is the -legal minimum that the government will pursue. It does not reflect the actual cost of the DC, and paying above it isn't something particularly commendable.

If he believes he 'has' to do this, then you need to tell him that what he is doing is wrong, but you cannot prevent him from acting badly. And that you won't advice him on how to do something that mean.

There is no good time to be a shit to your DC

If you have to reduce payments then you can't afford another child. You don't get to reduce your mortgage or electric bill, why would you think the first child is suddenly going to cost less money to clothe and feed? It's a crappy thing to do, the calculators are the absolute legal minimum requirement and you are making a harder life for your future child's sibling. Don't do it.

It's not fair that his children payments will be reduced because he has decided to have another child.

As much notice as possible I would imagine. Is he allowed to reduce the amount if it was part of the divorce agreement? (Just interested. I'd go absolutely ballistic if my ex tried)

I think he needs to tell her as soon as possible too, he's thinking maybe tell her about baby in person and then give her a couple of weeks for it to settle in.

He's been paying more than the calculator says he should by quite a bit and is only planning on reducing it by a small amount. I agree his children will still cost the same to raise, but they might have to cut back on some of the nice-to-haves (e.g one music lesson a week instead of 2, 1 less day out in the half term holidays) or mum might have to start working part time.

If it’s a private agreement and more than the minimum amount he has to pay then you can change it at any time for any reason but it’s sensible to give her some notice.

When is the baby due?

We’re not bothering to reduce it when our baby arrives shortly as DH also pays spousal support, childcare vouchers and maintenance and the difference is so small it’s not worth the hassle. But you’re within your rights to review a private agreement whether other people consider it moral or not.

He should be paying 50% of what it cost to raise a child because they are 50% his children.
It really grates on me that mums are left with the cost of raising them, they get screwed over all the time, but it's ok because he pays over what the calculator says,,, give him a pat on the back from me

Well I am sure they will be delighted to have a new half sibling plus less money for 'nice to haves'.

Yuck. I have been really sheltered from this kind of shitty behaviour. It's quite upsetting

Well let’s put it another way. When is he planning to tell the children and his ex he is expecting another child?

If it’s only a small reduction then why bother reducing it at all?

I agree his children will still cost the same to raise, but they might have to cut back on some of the nice-to-haves (e.g one music lesson a week instead of 2, 1 less day out in the half term holidays) or mum might have to start working part time

You do realise, don’t you, that child support doesn’t just pay for fun things like music lessons and days out?

It pays towards ALL the cost of running a child and a home to house them and a car to run them around . You know, like rent / mortgage / council tax/ insurance/ food. Tedious and invisible things.

I find your comments above to be naive at best and patronising and unkind at worse. It’s clear you don’t really like your boyfriends children.

Surely it would be equally unfair for the new DC to miss out because DH is spending more on their siblings than he can afford for them. At the end of the day in any family there is a finite ammount of money to go arround. Give his ex as much notice as possible though so that she can plan finances.

Wow, some judgmental people on here. The OP has made it clear that her DP pays more than required. That suggests he is not done deadbeat dad as people are trying to suggest. Fact is, with every child comes financial adjustments. Even within one family there is often a readjustment on spending when baby 2,3 .... comes along. You would be criticising a couple for reducing luxury holidays because they had another child. You wouldn't be saying it was unfair on dc1 that dc2 was now taking up some resources. well its exes rly the same with blended families. The OP and her DP are fully entitled to face another child as they can afford to. Yes everyone needs to adjust but that is completely normal in all but the very wealthiest families. And why is the OHs ex not working kart time anyway.

What @IM0GEN said!

We only had kids we could afford without a change in lifestyle. Promotions and more work covered the difference. Maybe you and he should try a bit harder at work to cover the difference?

You can just tell who has been screwed over and who hasn't from the replies on here. Let's just hope he doesn't have another baby and reduce your payments and then you can come back and start a new thread

@Lorddenning1 I only put the bit in about the calculator as it's the only reference we have for what he "should" pay. He currently pays well over half of all costs (actual costs, based on bank statements). Ex has no mortgage or rent to pay and doesn't work. The two children are now at secondary school so we want to make sure they can carry on with one of their music lessons but they might have to drop one each and not paying for a day out in the half term holidays (he normally pays for them to go out with mum to a farm or ice skating) once a half term.

It sounds like the only intention to reduce maintenance is to make a point than his financial need.

From what you've written, it sounds like him - or you- wants to say to her 'I've now moved on fully, about to have another baby so our children won't be my only ones any longer, you and they will need to get used to this, so you might to consider starting to take responsibility towards them and get a job'.

Might be a fair point behind it, but it will be received as he being antagonist and likely to result in defensiveness.

I will inform her of the baby and not discuss a reduction of the maintenance until he feels his first kids don't need as much care and she can indeed get a job assumi g she doesn't have more.

If he needs to reduce it because he and you will otherwise be financially struggling, then I'd wait until the baby is born.

It is tough but as long as there is enough money for all the children it’s undersandable that funds per child decrease with more children. That is what we will do when we have more. It’s unfair as the ex isn’t choosing to have more (although she may) , just the dh. But as long as you can afford all the children (& I don’t mean cms minimum) then it is reasonable to cut back a little per child. As the op says , one music class vs 2, these are decisions that fairly comfortably off parents make every day to balance budget and children. But absolutely as much notice as you can is only fair. I would tell her about baby ASAP and perhaps give it a fortnight (assuming you’re not 6 months already) to let her know about budget, as I personlly wouldn’t like to say both at once.

Some comments are unbelievable... in most families when a new DC arrives the family still has the same budget as before so of course they use less money than they used to on pre-existing DC.
OP to answer your question I would say something when the pregnancy reaches 6m or so, she would have 3m to anticipate.

Sounds like the ex-wife doesn't contribute at all though. OP implied she doesn't work.
And if I had another child with DH our current DS would get less spent on him because the money would have to go further.
So why are people attacking the OP?