When to tell ex about change to maintenance

[Banhaha]

When do you think it would be best to inform OH's ex that he has to reduce maintenance payments as he is expecting another child? Should he let her know as soon as possible - at the same time she's told about the baby? or should he wait until it's born? Payments will still be above the level the calculator suggests but she will need to know not to expect as much. Has anyone got any experience with this? How did telling the ex go?

We'll probably tell her at 4 months about the baby as that's when we plan on telling the children. I really don't know what is fair but I didn't expect such a strong response for reducing the payments by such a small amount. Our child will be getting less overall from the both of us as we have to pay mortgage. We didn't think it would be such a big issue for them to pick one instrument and drop a lesson and for us not to pay for days out for mum and the children. If it matters that much to their mum then she could find a part time job?

@BaronessBomburst that's right she doesn't work and has no rent or mortgage to pay. I am a bit confused why people are angry at but I'm worried I've missed something.

If it matters that much to their mum

I'd look at it more as what matters to the children. You obviously resent the fact the mum doesn't work. Fair enough. But that's not the kids fault. They are going to see it as "dad and Banhaha are having a new baby and now I have to drop music lessons".

A lot of people always assume the worst of dads and step mums on here. Try not to take it personally.

It sounds like your DH will still be contributing more than his fair share towards his kids upbringing.

Might it be better to get it done officially through the courts as it sounds as if she has spousal maintenance too? Otherwise she wouldn’t be able to pay household bills like council tax etc. if she doesn’t work.

She can’t be on benefits either.

It does sound as if you resent whatever agreement there was in the marriage with regards to working and maybe an official route is the way to go?

Always the children that suffer in situations like this unfortunately.

Yep, more kids might = reduce budget

So ..you pay essentials that you can't reduce (mortgage, gas and I suggest cm to children outside your unit!) Then you reduce. Eg less for you/him

Good luck telling the kids. Hurrah. A new baby. So less days out for you and stop your extra curric fun stuff. Hurrah again.

We didn't even tell dh's ex when I was pregnant we relied on the grapevine and her then making her own presumptions re future payments. She was always extremely difficult regarding the dc even though dh saw them without fail and more exactly as planned. She wasn't very impressed despite being happily married herself and well off.

If you don't have a good relationship I wouldn't even tell her.

There are a lot of things I could say about my ex, but the one thing I will say is that he’s never wavered in terms of the money he pays even though I know his partner resents it hugely. And they have had a child together and she has lost child benefit for her existing children due to the fact he is on a higher income, something I don’t agree with either given her children are not his biologically and her ex doesn’t pay maintenance afaik.

OP, one of the issues I think that people will be having with the things you’re saying is that the children are essentially bing expected to compensate for his life’s choices which they are not a part of iyswim. So having a new baby and reducing money paid for them can be seen as him moving ahead with his life and throwing them aside in the process. That’s not necessarily how it’s intended to seem but comments like them having to forego a music lesson and so on do come across as resentful re the money he gives his ex.

What is the ex’s position currently? Did she give up work to bring up the DC? In which case is she in a position to go back?

If he’s on a higher income she may have become a SAHM through her own choices but now be in a difficult position re going back as she’s been out of work for so long.

I fully intended to go back to work when me and ex split but long-term health conditions put pay to that sadly, but only he and she know the state of her finances and whether she can afford to work and whether her not working initially was partly his choice and enabled him to build a career for himself for instance, in which case she may feel resentful at the implication that now he’s having another baby she’s expected to go to work when she gave up a career to support his own prior to the split.

I assure you I don't resent how much he pays. We are trying to disrupt the children as little as possible. We are putting all my income towards our mortgage and bills. He is then planning on splitting his income 3 ways for each child. This seemed the fairest way to us. If we are ever in the position where they can have their extra lessons and we can afford to pay for them to go on a trip with mum we will make sure this happens. He pays so much that their mum doesn't have to work. Again I do not resent this and what she does is nothing to do with me. I am just making sure you know all the facts.

If anyone has any suggestions on a fairer way to spilt OH's income I'd welcome them as I feel like a lot of posters don't think we are being fair.

The way you are timing all this is just wrong. It's fair enough not to fund their days out with mum, but don't tie your child to this. Maybe he needs to say this is the last summer he can do this.

Regarding their music lessons, think about what grade they are, what exams they are due to take. He also needs to talk to them about their future. If they are both doing two instruments at secondary they are pretty committed. Making them choose one could actively affect future options. Your husband needs to look at the bigger picture and try and reduce music payments at a natural end point.

Whatever you do, don't tie your child into a worsening of their lifestyle. Things will change enough for them, make the reductions where they naturally occur.

I wouldn't split his income 3 ways. Babies cost much less than teens. And by the time your DC is a teen your SC will be adults so won't need to pay the same. I wouldn't personally add to my family if it negatively impacted on my existing DC.

Babies in childcare cost a lot more than teenagers! And if not in childcare in lost earnings for person on mat leave or SAH

His ex wife doesn't work, she inherited a house and a large amount of money. As far as I know she lives off this inheritance and the payments my OH makes. They aren't payments for her they are for the children so again no resentment. I don't personally feel her income should affect how much he pays. Same as my income shouldn't affect it.

She used to be a teacher I don't know how easy it is to get back into that? And it's up to her if she works or not.

If the ex posted saying she had teens, no rent or mortgage, didn’t work at all and wasn’t planning to and was pissy her ex, who supports her entirely, was reducing his payments because he and his DW/DP was having a baby she’d be handed her arse on a plate and told to grow up and start taking some responsibility for her finances. She’d be told her ex was entitled to a life of his own including new children and that if she was worried about the cost of days out and music lessons she could get a job and contribute half of the cost as a minimum.

What’s she going to when the DC are 18 and the child support stops? She may not have housing costs but is she expecting her ex to pay her bills and put food on her table?

X post.

Fairest = he continues his payments. You two adjust your other expenditure to fund your choice of having a baby. You have your income, you cut your cloth accordingly. You can't reduce other long term commitments, so why this+

If I were his ex, or their kids, I would cut all ties with him over this. I would seriously go absolutely ballistic. Posting on mn is probably quite good as it gives you a heads up on what to expect.

Weird that 2 secondary school kids are off on farm trips with their mother in half term. Never seen that. My teens would find that v strange. All the stuff is for under 10s. Weird that your husband is specifically thinking that's what he needs to cut.

What his ex does or doesn't do is irrelevant. They agreed an amount he would pay her to support his children. Before creating further DC finances should be looked into taking into account the amount he already pays.

What's the % reduction you are proposing?

If I were his ex, or their kids, I would cut all ties with him over this.

That's hardly the right way either!

Anyway, we're only hearing one side here and not being told any figures. If the ex is as minted as OP makes out, maybe she won't care and has simply been making the most of it while she could.

a lot of posters don't think we are being fair.

Isn't it his kids and his money for him to decide what to do with?

There seems to be a little bit if glee in your posts, like your the decision maker and you're running your hands together at the thought of screwing over his other kids.

Leave it up to him to do what he thinks is best, let him talk to his ex and come to terms.
It's lucky he has a big wage because if he's happy to short change his existing kids to fund another, he's not a great dad.

Thanks @lunar1 that's really helpful advice.

Telling the ex is only one part of it. He needs to think about when HE is going to tell the children that they need to stop one of their music lessons etc each week and why.

By the way, he had a strange approach to parenting. I can’t ever imagine having to have that conversation with one of my children e.g you have to stop karate because we’re having another baby

No glee intended I assure you. Just trying to get some input on the situation from people with experience. We know our child will not have the same lifestyle and are fine with this. Her income is irrelevant, though if she needed extra help financially with the children we would look at it. Thanks everyone who's replied. It looks like we need to look at things again and see if we can keep payments the same.