When to tell ex about change to maintenance

[Banhaha]

When do you think it would be best to inform OH's ex that he has to reduce maintenance payments as he is expecting another child? Should he let her know as soon as possible - at the same time she's told about the baby? or should he wait until it's born? Payments will still be above the level the calculator suggests but she will need to know not to expect as much. Has anyone got any experience with this? How did telling the ex go?

I know legally maintenance can be reduced if you have another child but morally it does seem wrong. If a couple decide to have another child and they already have children together, yes their finances may have to be stretched, but surely that would be a decision they make together.

In this situation, the ex has no choice that the finances are going to be stretched.

@ourkidmolly it isn't always a farm trip, that was just an example, they are growing out of that one a bit. He takes them out when we have them and then pays for them to go again with mum.

Anyway looks like we need to work out a way of keeping the payments the same if possible by the reactions on here. Or maybe offer to pay for half the trips with mum.

I don't really understand why you were ever paying for these types of trips - his ex can do something cheaper/free or pay for herself.

I think the music lessons are in a different category

You don't. If he can't afford another baby, then you don't have one. Do you think his former kids are just going to eat less because you have another baby? Didn't you plan for this?

If he feels he has to go ahead and cut the money to his former children, then he should be going back to court to agree the amount. Then his ex will have an opportunity to challenge it. If he goes ahead and just cuts the amount, then HE should be telling her, not you. It has nothing to do with you. But if he does, you can expect his ex to go to court to fight it. And rightly so.

OP - I wouldn't take the comments on here totally at face value. A lot of posters seem to have assumed that your stepkids would be facing a drastic reduction in their living standards not fewer days out/violin lessons. I think if you'd put some of that info in your OP, things would have gone differently

@Jaxhog Do you think his former kids are just going to eat less because you have another baby? no and we absolutely will not be depriving the children of food! They are very well provided for. This is not a case of anything other than stopping a couple of luxuries. I'm not sure what you mean by "former" kids either. They are his children.

Everything was agreed out of court so reluctant to get then involved as feel it can be resolved amicably.

I agree it is not my place to tell her about any changes to payments if we do find we have to make them.

@Settlersofcatan Ah yes looking back I see I should have made it clearer in my first post. Apologies it was my first time posting and I didn't take into account all the details are needed.

You say that it's only going to be a very small change in the amount given. In that case, is there any point doing it? It won't change your lifestyle very much either.

If they are already teens then he won't be paying for very much longer, and babies aren't expensive.

Is it really worth causing all this upset? Don't you want his children to be excited about the new baby, and not hearing that they will have to stop their piano lessons?

@Banhaha - I understand exactly where you're coming from.
I'm in Ireland where maintenance is calculated differently to in the UK. I was your dp's ex in my divorce. I have assets through an inheritance which were taken into consideration by the courts when divorcing. Basically I was told that these negated my exh having to pay anything bar the minimum court appointed maintenance. To me that was fair enough so long as exh agreed to split other large outgoings such as back to school etc. which he agreed to. He has since gone on to have 2 more children - he now has 5 in total - & my kids have had to take a financial hit when at his ie fewer days out & only one holiday with him in the last few years. And you know what? That's fine & their world didn't end, because if they were a regular nuclear family them getting less non essentials due to extra siblings wouldn't cause anyone to bat an eyelid!
My kids still get plenty of days out/holidays with me because that's how I choose to spend my money & I also work.
I personally don't think that maintenance should be awarded for non essentials & in Ireland it's not. If your dp's ex wants days out etc. with her kids then it should be up to her to at least part fund them imo.
So long as your dp's 3 kids all get the same financial treatment when with him (& it sounds like it will be that way) then they are not losing out or suffering.
I also don't think there's too much wrong explaining to kids that extra siblings can mean a few cut backs as that's family life.

God you're nice Magda

I’d tell her as soon as possible.

My mates ex moved in with some woman who had three kids and instantly reduced her payments down to fuck all

No, I can honestly say, if I decided to have another child, I would not be telling my son "Sorry kid, I want another baby, so something has to give. Would you rather drop football or give up drumming?"

@Lorddenning1 sorry but that's bullshit. Because they have another child doesn't mean they have more money, all the children should be entitled to the same which ends up meaning the ex gets less

FWIW I don't for one minute think that what @Elodiesflower has described is right at all. I think that's dreadful behaviour from that woman's ex as imo his new partner (& her ex if there's one on the scene) should be the ones supporting her children.

New child will get way more once teens from left behind old family are grown up. In one family, sure ...that rule makes sense. But this is two families. Don't have kids with new family if you can't afford to keep your existing commitments - fairer.

@poppingoff if we explain it to their mum she has a choice to cover the shortfall though? Its about £50 a week he would drop for the music lessons. It would be a lot to us but not to the children in terms of how much total spending they have. They took the 2nd lessons up last year and they would still have their lessons in the one's they really love. I've already had some useful advice to pass on to OH to drop the lessons at a natural point rather than link them to our baby directly.
@Magda72 that's how we were hoping she would see it.
All 3 children would have the same financially from OH but some of it needs to go on housing and bills for my child. That's fair to us as it's only because mum's circumstances are different to mine that her 2 children don't need the mortgage cost covered.

And is she like Magda? Did she accept minimum court maintenance? Does she think it is her job alone to pay for all the additional outgoings beyond the bare minimum? Because if not ...why do you think she will roll over at a £200+ reduction in maintenance now?

Don't have more than one dc with your partner or dh in the first place - to all the ex's, if you can't afford to raise them.
It works both ways.
Most relationships at least on MN end, so why have so many child with someone? The first dc aren't anymore important than the next and the idea that the OPs dp isn't paying enough is just PP bitterness.
Then I see pp saying OP is jealous the ex doesn't work.
Wow, some of you are mind fucks, whatever she says is pick apart.
And people do go over their budget and change electric providers etc and down size when they have more dc.
People down size holidays from Spain to English caravans when they have more dc and still manage to raise happy dc.

Tell the children, and then the ex. See how she reacts then have your dh was explain the finances. Don't do it all at once.

I'm sure the ex will take it really well if op tells her she shouldn't have had 3 kids then. It's not her having extra kids she can't afford, is it?

It's up to her how she responds, we are all on good terms at the moment.
OH pays an amount to cover half of their expenses, plus all of the music lessons and extra tuition. He doesn't pay for family holidays with their mum and she agreed that was fair he pays for a day out instead.
I expect she could cover the trips herself or just stick to the outings she wants to pay for. We take them out when they are with us.

If OH wants to be fair to all 3 of his children then it seems fairest to split his income equally 3 ways. His child with me shouldn't have less so his other 2 can have extra lessons and days out with mum. Or should they?

Why should your DH pay for her to take the kids away on holiday? Would she pay for him to take them on holiday?

No your child should not have less than the other children. I think what you are doing is fair. All the siblings should have the same money for days out, music lessons etc otherwise it will create resentment.
I think you should tell her about the new baby first and then get your do to tell her about the maintenance once the other news has settled in. Asap but not all at once as I think that's a bit much.

Didn't take you long to go back to the original plan, did it?

It would have been fairer of him not to have more kids if it affected the life of his existing kids/his financial committments.

So why did he start paying for extra lessons last year if a new baby was on the cards? And it will quite some time before a baby requires music lessons, so I don't think that's really relevant yet.

She has two though?