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Step-parenting

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Original poster

When to tell ex about change to maintenance

230 replies

Banhaha · 24/02/2019 12:48

When do you think it would be best to inform OH's ex that he has to reduce maintenance payments as he is expecting another child? Should he let her know as soon as possible - at the same time she's told about the baby? or should he wait until it's born? Payments will still be above the level the calculator suggests but she will need to know not to expect as much. Has anyone got any experience with this? How did telling the ex go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Banhaha · 24/02/2019 18:45

Thanks everyone for your input. Lots of food for thought. I've had lots of advice on the timing and also some suggestions to look into if we can not reduce the payments. I could possibly start making things at home to sell once baby is here for extra income.

P.s. Re holiday -there was a traditional holiday that their mum wanted OH to carry on paying for (but his choice not to attend).

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 24/02/2019 18:45

A lot of projection on this thread! And I wonder if we see so many entitled people around these days becasue of statements like ‘I can’t tell my kids there is less for them because I want another child’! Of course you can!

FWIW we didn’t drop payments when we had each of our DC, but maintenance didn’t go up the year they were born either, it did subsequent years.

If it’s a matter of dropping a music lesson which is a luxury then I think that is fine. They’ll be housed, clothed, fed and entertained with both parents.

Some on here will be in for a shock when maintenance stops at 18-20y (whatever fits your circs). Ours stops this year, and will swap to direct payments for uni (before anyone asks) but I have a feeling her mother doesn’t grasp that quite yet

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 18:46

A different type of fair would be same upbringing. So ... when your kids are teens (and you no longer pay for older ones) they get two music lessons a week (from your savings in not paying maintenance any more). So now, what did his kids get as babies? Can he afford that?

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 18:50

Oh god it will be great when kids are older. All my salary just for me.

Another alternative could be to offer to have the kids full time and swap main carers. That way, you can run finances fairly within your new family unit. She can live off her investments then and not have to worry about losing £200 a month maintenance

DippyAvocado · 24/02/2019 18:50

This argument has been had on MN before.

If a resident parent has a DP with the new partner, naturally finances change so there is less money to spend on the existing DC. Eg,after my DSS's Mum had a new baby, they no longer went in holidays abroad and he had to drop some of his extra-curricular activities as they had less money.

However, if the non-resident parent dares to have another child, they are castigated for making the necessary financial reductions.

Basically the answer seems to be that non-resident parents should not dare to reproduce again.

DippyAvocado · 24/02/2019 18:52

Sorry, should say has a DC with a new partner.

Mrskeats · 24/02/2019 18:53

So so much projection. You feeling ok tearing?
If the ex wants extra maybe she could get an actual JOB. I’ve heard that are quite good for earning money.
Why does just the dad get to support his kids?
Op just tell the ex well in advance. She has no rent or mortgage and lives on inheritance so I doubt they will be eating value beans anytime soon.

IncrediblySadToo · 24/02/2019 18:56

I’m sorry, but your thinking is bonkers.

How much would CMS be?

How much does he pay now?

How much do you propose dropping it to?

What did your DH get out of the divorce/her inheritance?

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 18:57

Yeah, i'm ok. Obviously massively projecting Grin. I would seriously completely lose my cool if ex did this to me. Luckily I only have a few more years to count down til they are grown up. It's pretty shit when decisions are taken that you have no control over that affect your kids lifestyle. So ... no ...I completely have not come to terms with the impact our divorce has on my kids financial stability Grin. I would send the kids to live with him if he did this. Or cut him out completely.

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 18:59

I gather the mum in this case uses her investments as her job?

Omzlas · 24/02/2019 19:00

Sorry but can't the ex get an actual job?? You know, to support the children too? It sounds like she gets a considerable amount from your OH already if a 'slight drop' = £200 per month!

I'm not a step parent but I have a close friend in a similar situation and said the same thing - it isn't just on your DH to provide for the children, they're hers too

ineedaholidaynow · 24/02/2019 19:06

I am assuming the ex does support her kids as what the OP's DH pays will not cover all their costs. He does seem more generous than a number of NRPs, but then surely it shouldn't be a race to the bottom.

And Dippy I do feel that it is unfair if the RP has more children with the new partner, and the half siblings are impacted by what they can do, just as much as if the NRP has more children. I am sure being in a blended family is hard enough without feeling usurped by new siblings. I think the financial impact on any children you already have should be taken into consideration.

Mrskeats · 24/02/2019 19:07

uses investments as a job
That’s reaching now. Imagine if a man tried this. I want to stay at home with the kids and have everything paid for me. Grin
And cutting their father out of their lives makes you a terrible parent tearing
I’ve had fall outs with my ex but would never stop him seeing them.

slipperywhensparticus · 24/02/2019 19:07

Why doesn't he work out how much cms would reduce his payments by then reduce it by the same percentage?

Mrskeats · 24/02/2019 19:08

Exactly omzlas

scissorsandpen · 24/02/2019 19:11

It is difficult if an agreement has been reached to drop the amount as the ex will rely on that and why should the kids have less extras when they have had to processs a divorce and now wrap their heads round a half sibling. If you can afford to not drop it I wouldn’t why antagonise the ex esp when a new baby on the way. The truth is it’s very expensive to live on one income. I do agree though that the ex should perhaps look for a part time job if the kids are old enough. If that happened maybe a conversation could be had . Really difficult situation. If u go ahead I would tell her at the same time so she has time to get her head round it and time to get a job !

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 19:11

I wouldn't have to cut them out of his life. I would just tell them that they could no longer do x, y, z as their dad had chosen to have a new child with his new partner and decided to spend the money on his new family instead. They wouldn't have much time for that shit. Currently I support their relationship with their father. If I stopped supporting it, they wouldn't bother.

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 19:16

The mum does seem to be paying for her kids somehow - out of her inheritance, op says. Assuming she is not idiotically running down her savings, that means living off investments? If she can pay her half (to be fair, I do think it should be 50:50 if she chooses not to work and instead live off her money in whatever form it takes) then why does she need her half to take the form of paid employment

Thats between her and her ex though. They obviously had some kind of arrangement on.this?

Mrskeats · 24/02/2019 19:16

That’s an appalling attitude tearing
Trying to blackmail someone to do as you say. I would have a think about how you sound and what your kids will think in the future.

Magda72 · 24/02/2019 19:17

@TearingUpMyHeart I didn't accept minimum maintenance - that's all I was given & it's like that in Ireland if the rp has assets/a decent job. In Ireland the rp is expected to more or less equally provide for his/her children unless they are pre school age or SN or if the parent can't work for medical/other reason. Otherwise the court's attitude is if you want a certain lifestyle go out and earn it.
My dp gives his ex way above minimum maintenance but it is child maintenance not spousal maintenance, which is rarely awarded in Ireland, as she was a sahm when they split. This maintenance stops when each child leaves secondary school. His ex has point blank refused to work even though the kids are now all teens and she will be left with nothing bar the roof over her head (which dp also provided, mortgage free) when the eldest leaves. She constantly moans that she can't afford to take them on holidays & on her last attempt to get more money out of dp she was told by the court that if she wanted to have holidays to go get a job. Dp brings his kids away on holiday every year because he WORKS!
I honestly don't understand the attitude that the nrp (usually the dad) is supposed to majority fund the lives of his children when BOTH parents are around & able bodied.

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 19:17

How is it blackmail? I would simply say exactly what op says in her opening post, instead of lying.

Mrskeats · 24/02/2019 19:20

Extremely manipulative tearing
Putting your own bad feelings for your ex at the forefront and at the expense of your kids. It’s up to BOTH parents to support their kids.

Mrskeats · 24/02/2019 19:21

Hear hear magda

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 19:22

Too bad your ex wouldn't agree to support his kids beyond the legal minimum, Magda. The ex in this case seems happier to support his kids at least.

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 19:22

How is it manipulative? Op lays it out as it is. Just not lying.

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