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Original poster

When to tell ex about change to maintenance

230 replies

Banhaha · 24/02/2019 12:48

When do you think it would be best to inform OH's ex that he has to reduce maintenance payments as he is expecting another child? Should he let her know as soon as possible - at the same time she's told about the baby? or should he wait until it's born? Payments will still be above the level the calculator suggests but she will need to know not to expect as much. Has anyone got any experience with this? How did telling the ex go?

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 21:20

Lol it was actually you!

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 21:21

"Fund yourselves, new partners

Well, they generally do. Its not like the ex wives give them anything is it? "

No, they appear to think taking money off the ex partner is an appropriate way to fund their lifestyle

BeefTomato · 25/02/2019 21:23

Maybe the ExH should go and get a second job to make up the £200 shortfall in his finances Wink

Why would you decide to have another child when doing so would mean that you can't keep your existing commitments? You can't decide to not pay your water rates or council tax because you're having a baby, why should child maintenance be any different?

flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 21:25

Taking money off the ex partner?

Theyre not taking the ex partners money. The ex husband (because lets not forget ex wives you're entitled to sweet fa from the new partner) is deciding to slightly lower payment because theyre expecting a baby.

Perfectly reasonable.

In a family who lived together money would stretch and its no different.

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 21:26

Yup, all three sat down together, just like in a normal nuclear family, and decided to budget so they could have a new child. Is that how it went?

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 21:27

I quite admire this woman. She negotiated a great deal for her kids. Grin

flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 21:28

Well i clearly didnt say that.

But thats what happens when you have multiple children isnt it?

If the ex had more children her money would have to stretch further and that would affect her existing child but you can bet the ex wives club wouldn't have an issue with that.

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 21:29

But you are right. The new partner seems to think taking money off the existing kids to fund her and her partners lifestyle choices is appropriate. Nice.

flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 21:30

How is the new partner taking anyones money? The new partner is not obligated to pay the ex wife a penny

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 21:31

Nope. If ex had more kids, her new partner would pay his share. Speaking only for myself, I just keep separate accounts. One for kids, one for me. So funding for new child would come out of my pot, not kids pot. Different if I had stayed with ex. The ex here seems to have a similar bank account system, and hasn't chosen to have more kids. Perhaps she puts her existing financial commitments first??

flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 21:47

What if she didnt have a new partner? Their household budget would still alter even if she did have a partner!

I dont know anyone who has two pots and frankly having one pot for "original" kids and another for "new family" just goes to show how "new family" children get treated like second rate people.

She clearly doesnt have to worry about her financial commitments if she doesnt need to work so to assume thats the reason she hasnt had more children seems a little ignorant.

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 21:57

Well really who knows why she hasn't chosen to have more kids? I have two pots. It's incredibly easy. I don't understand why more resident parents don't. It shows you exactly how much you subsidise the other parent (in our case we just split the difference but as I said, we pay 50% of income each. Those getting £50 must be fucked. I suppose that's why they don't do two pots - it wouldn't work as they pay so much more from their own budget)

Whether second round kids get more or less depends on your choice of partner. I don't plan on more but my new partner earns 300k so I guess my fictional second round kid would get more. Such is life. I certainly wouldn't be stealing money from my ex meant for his kids and spending it on my new child.

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 21:59

Actually ...why don't more of you do two pots? It's the work of minutes.

flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 22:00

I don't understand why more resident parents don't

Most are too busy actually looking after their kids to point score. Or theyre not as petty as you.

I was wondering when the (not) stealth boast would come in. It was only a matter of time. Your posts are very telling of what really matters to you and its not child welfare.

Sorry but who in this scenario is "stealing"?
Do you know what stealing is?

flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 22:01

Because we have more important things to do with our lives and we are not completely money orientated?

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 22:02

Lol it's a thread about high income ex's. Why did you think I was posting?

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 22:05

Look how many nrp and their new partners are convinced ex spends it all on manicures and horses. Just set up a separate account and use that. Simples. Takes ten mins to set up, two seconds per transaction to decide which card to use. Ensures equality of payment towards raising children.

I completely understand why this doesn't work when nrp pays utterly inadequate amount, but maybe that focuses the mind on how ripped off you are.

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 22:06

Ex pays money for his kids. Me spending it on anything else is stealing, to my mind.

flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 22:10

I dont know because youre the chairman of the ex wives club and you like your voice to be heard? Or did you just think ooh another opportunity to show how very superiour i am with my high earning boyfriend and ex?

It doesnt ensure equality at all because not everyone agrees on what is a necessary expense for children. I think youre very naive and youve been lucky to have several rich men in your life. It doesnt say much about you as a person, though.

flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 22:11

Again, its not stealing.

Its not her money to begin with.

Not being given something is not the same as someone taking something that is yours.

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 22:24

Ah ... the stealing would be me ...if I spent money my ex gave me for my kids upbringing on myself. not our agreement at all. So I have separate accounts. Easy.

Yes, I have been lucky to have an ex who prioritises their kids needs and wants, and who I get on well enough with to agree on spending. Not so lucky in that he slept with everyone in his path. So ..you know ...swings and roundabouts. I am a massive believer in fairness and equality above everything else. Our way is fair and equal. Sod the cms calculator and 'but all rp/mums pay for everything ...'

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 22:26

You might like the irony of our split ... he didn't like me being unfaithful too 😂

But I always play the fair/equals game 😉

flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 22:27

Our way is fair and equal
For you yes but it wouldn't be for a lot of other people.

You wouldn't be stealing but it wouldn't be the most responsible way to spend maintenance.

You suggested prev that the new partner was taking money from the kids and i assumed thats what you meant by "stealing".

The new partner isnt taking anyones money, just for clarification.

flamingofridays · 25/02/2019 22:28

Ahaha infidelity. Hilarious.

TearingUpMyHeart · 25/02/2019 22:31

Yeah, best bit was I chose a much richer man, he got the secretary.

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