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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I dont like the child/ family

124 replies

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 11:08

Been together on and off sometime, recently married in the vain all would come good.

I don't enjoy time with my partners son, I have rejected the title of step-mum because I don't hold a mothering role. Surely a marriage doesn't equate to automatic mother?! He has a mother he lives with.

I am struggling so much and have been bold enough to say he isn't my child and that the bond isn't there and never will be now that he is 10. I think he is spoilt and it further annoys me that everything is just a tool to demonstrate that he is father of a lifetime. I have no interest in games or kids TV or making cookies, I am an adult and have no reward in entertaining a demanding child that seeks constant approval from any audience.

I am expected to be part of this family with children and take the role of 'step mum', or 'auntie' when I have no connection to his family and nor do I want to, I don't feel I need it and don't enjoy the time spent in their company.

Is it so unreasonable to ask that they have their own relationship without me being the token prize wife to play happy families?
Or that he see his family on his own terms with his child and leave me to my own devices?

Surely I am not the only person in the world that doesn't want to be absorbed by someone else's routine and family.

I feel broken inside and sad because I want my own identity and my own choices not those determine by a someone else's family/kid.

OP posts:

Zampa · 20/02/2019 11:13

You were very silly to get married.

Your husband came with a child and your attitude is very unfair on both your partner and the child.

I suggest whenever your husband has contact, you make yourself scarce.

Greggers2017 · 20/02/2019 11:17

The best thing you could do for everybody is leave your husband.

OpiesOldLady · 20/02/2019 11:25

OP, this will not go well.

I'm afraid that when you marry someone who has children they come as a package, and not just them, their biological parent too. You cannot just decide that you don't want a relationship with them just because they are an inconvenience to you.

You sound deeply unhappy as it is. Why did you get married? I agree with a pp, the best thing you can do is leave the relationship as it seems to be making you unhappy.

Sirzy · 20/02/2019 11:28

You marry someone with a child you take that child on.

You where unfair on everyone to marry. You need to walk away for the sake of him and his child.

icannotremember · 20/02/2019 11:32

Why did you marry someone with a child if these are your views and feelings?

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 11:35

I have talked about walking away he always knew I didn't want to be a mother to a child that isn't mine.

I do see them and do stuff together but it is overbearing.

He wanted to call my mum his nan? They have hardly met. I am not unkind I buy presents and try but I don't love him as my own and I don't need it all the time.

He has him on the weekends he isn't supposed to have him and insists I be part of everything that his family does.

OP posts:

iklboo · 20/02/2019 11:39

I can't fathom why you got married when you patently can't stand his child, who he loves unconditionally. Did you expect him to cut all contact when he put the ring on your finger?

Decormad38 · 20/02/2019 11:46

You sound like a nightmare. That poor kid landing with you.
How utterly shitty and selfish of you to disregard the fact he has a son.
Why not choose a partner who didn’t have dependants. They are called dependants for a reason.

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 11:49

I didn't say I cant stand the child but I don't love the child. I don't feel anything I am neutral.
I spend every other weekend with them but I don't find it natural or easy because he isn't mine.

I didn't expect anything of him I encourage them to do stuff together as boys but I can't be part of that all the time and feel like I have to. I feel like I have to be with his entire family at every event, every week that something arises.

I like time on my own and feel suffocated that my life is now dictated by someone else's routine. Everything happens around me and I am just the tag along partner.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 20/02/2019 11:49

So why did you marry him?

babysharkah · 20/02/2019 11:50

Why the fuck did you get married?

Tomtontom · 20/02/2019 11:51

Do you feel anything about anything? You come across as devoid of emotion.

Lungelady · 20/02/2019 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 11:52

Decormad38 I have tried everything from taking this child to Lapland to having a crap phone so he could have the free nitendo switch

I taught him to draw and try to teach him manners when he is naugty

I do my far share

I just don't find it easy not being allowed to say no to anything!!!!! I have had to fight and defend every summer why I don't want to go camping with them simply because I don't like camping.

I get told I am mean because I don't want to spend thousands taking him to Disney for a third time.

I am by no means a nightmare or unkind. But I don't find it easy not having my own life or my own identify outside of someone else's family

OP posts:

showerpower · 20/02/2019 11:52

You knew he had a child, that will never change. Why did you get married ?

HollowTalk · 20/02/2019 11:54

You were crazy to marry someone with a child, feeling like this. Why did you think that being married would make a difference?

I know lots of people who would hate to have step-children, but they wouldn't go out with anyone who had them. Job done.

SoyDora · 20/02/2019 11:55

I think he is spoilt and it further annoys me that everything is just a tool to demonstrate that he is father of a lifetime

So surely the issue here is with your partner and his parenting, not the child?

sparklytwinklyfairylights · 20/02/2019 11:56

Jesus, why on earth did you get married to someone with a child.
Poor child, the best thing you can do for everyone is leave his dad

Original poster

Engine12345 · 20/02/2019 11:58

I am not the only person on here that says the don't know how to embrace their 'step child' why have I been torn to shreds for saying that.

I try I really really try but I feel suffocated by the intensity of how much time I am expected to spend with someone else family.

Really hurtful people on here.
I wanted support or help or guidance.

OP posts:

Tomtontom · 20/02/2019 12:00

Guidance? Leave your husband and don't consider a relationship with another man who has children.

SoyDora · 20/02/2019 12:00

I am sure I would struggle with it too, so I wouldn’t marry someone who already had children.

SoyDora · 20/02/2019 12:00

I’m pretty sure the only guidance is to leave.

Sirzy · 20/02/2019 12:01

Because you should have thought all of this through, and discussed it in depth before marriage was even a possibility. Before even considering moving in together.

Presumably this child didn’t come as a surprise!?

greendale17 · 20/02/2019 12:03

Sorry OP but why continue the relationship let alone get married? Did you hope your husband would change his feelings to his child once you were his wife?

I can’t understand why you thought anything would change. He will always, and rightly so, put his child before you or anyone else.

redannie118 · 20/02/2019 12:04

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

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