Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

[StarbucksPoo]

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

[MonsterKidz]

When did he actually split from his ex? I think a lot depends on that too?

Like have they been separated years and now divorce just going through? Or was it just 6 months ago they split?

Similarly, when did you divorce yourself?

I think this important in knowing how long the children have had since family breakdown.

Does your partner have time with his child
alone? I’d encourage him to use this time to build up his relationship with his DD. Maybe postpone meeting her for a bit, until things settle a little. I understand you want to her to see your a happy family and not the vile
OW her mum is protraying but thinking
About the daughter - what does she need right now??

[StarbucksPoo]

They split up nearly 5 years ago

[StarbucksPoo]

I split up two years ago - divorce came through last Oct

[StarbucksPoo]

The other info is in previous posts

[StarbucksPoo]

The problem at the moment is when he does spend time with her he often has to deal with fallout from lies about him, me, my kids etc. It’s trivky trying to explain that to her in a neutral factual way. Putting the record straight. Fact is: her mother lies.

[StarbucksPoo]

He was prevented from having a long term relationship by coercive control. She wanted him to not see anyone until after GCSEs. That would have been 8 years in total.

[IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord]

@starbuckspoo

Do Not Split, that is what the ex wants you to do.

Your boyfriend needs to go to court. He can get an order so that he has set days etc. What happens during contact is just between your boyfriend and his daughter. No one else.

If your boyfriend wants his daughter to meet you it is up to the daughter.

Ignore the ex spouting off, she's clearly bitter.
You and your boyfriend should not compromise your happiness because of her but you must let the daughter make her own choice when it comes to you.
Of course, her mother's opinion is going to influence her. Plus, she is becoming a teenager so things will become more difficult. Just be yourself and let her make her own choices.

[StarbucksPoo]

Thank you Incognito x

[bringbacksideburns]

I’m just wanting to know when / how to introduce his Daughter to us.

And you've been advised by most people - not yet.

I don't get it. Yet again someone doing a thread and then getting pissed off because they aren't getting told what they want to hear or agreed with.

Then other women come on putting other women down who've dared to have an opinion calling them joyless, bitter and sexless and unpassionate individuals with ' snowflake' children. No. They just dont get it? Kids meet him in Novemver then spend Christmas with him is bloody fast regardless of circumstances.

You may not like what you hear but you know you are told it straight on here.

Take it slow.

Why can't that advice be considered without being defensive ?

[StarbucksPoo]

It’s all the other nasty comments and judgements and ‘solution’ being to dump him... I don’t have to accept those.

[mytieisascarf]

I would have thought that after 5 years of separation it would not come as a surprise that one or both parties are looking to meet someone new. The main issue, from your post, is not the amount of time that has passed but his ex's attitudes to what she shares with her daughter. I can absolutely see why you are concerned with this. No 12yo should feel like they have to choose between their parents and they certainly shouldn't be told that their Dad does not care for her. This is a projection of her feelings about her ex into her daughter and in more extreme cases is abusive.

In your ex's shoes I would stop trying to organise a meet up for the time being. I would then try to arrange family mediation to explore why his ex is still trying to control his relationships and his relationship with his daughter after 5 years. Tell him to try an access child inclusive mediation where his daughter will be offered the opportunity to share her feelings. I would also encourage him to try and access support for his daughter. I understand that this can be difficult if his ex is not interested, but if she is as concerned about her daughter as she is making out how can she refuse.

This is not to suggest that you two do not continue your relationship, after 5 years separated he and you have the right to explore this. But perhaps do ease off on forcing a meet until after mediation. Good luck.

[StarbucksPoo]

Yes - thanks - I was wondering about how he should go about getting the right kind of counselling for her. He’s looking into this.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'll say it again. If you want advice on how to handle this in a way that is best for his DD (not you, not him) then he needs to see a child psychologist/counselor and seek advice there. They are the professionals. They will be the best ones to advise him.

You say his DV counsellor is a 'former attorney'. That's not a MH professional unless they also have a degree or license in that field. Your DP need to see someone to deal with the trauma of having been a victim of DV, something that is doubly difficult for a man to deal with due to the 'shame' involved. It's sad that men don't get the same level of acceptance of being a victim of DV, but they don't.

I understand your concern, you love him. But it seems to me that you need to step back and allow him to control this situation, with the help of professionals.

[AcrossthePond55]

X post with mytie

[StarbucksPoo]

The person he was assessed by was a caseworker from a local charity set up to deal with cases and refer to social services etc. She’s a professional. She WAS a lawyer and is now a trained counselling working DV. He was referred by Victim Support.

[MsPavlichenko]

But you aren't just ignoring the nast comments and the dump him advice. You are not engaging with those of us who are suggesting, nicely that you slow down, concentrate on the two of you and take the DC out of it.

If his DD's home situation is as awful as it sounds he needs to spend his time with her alone, and focusing only on her. Neither will him spending time with your DC, however lovely it is reassure her at all. Especially if her DM is dropping poison.

Hopefully you have years to come. So why not slow down. Support him, without getting involved and enjoy time just the two of you mostly.

[StarbucksPoo]

The thing is, he was so enmeshed... coercive control... I recognised it from my own past. I’m hoping now he’s finally in touch with the right people I can take a step back yes.

[StarbucksPoo]

I have not ignored comments about slowing down re: DD - as you will see above

[MsPavlichenko]

But what about how she might feel with him spending time with your DC?

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

Hello everyone. We're dropping in with a gentle reminder of our Talk Guidelines.

We'd appreciate it if you could use the same courtesy when posting messages on Talk as you would use when speaking to someone face to face. Please do bear in mind how difficult this parenting business can be, and if there's one thing all of us could do with, it's some moral support.

[StarbucksPoo]

He’s trying to be as open and honest about my kids as possible and saying that we aren’t his ‘new family’ and that, when it’s possible, she can meet us.

He mentions us occasionally but NOT excessively. We are not a secret. He told her what was happening at Christmas and phoned her from my house. Kept in touch as best he could.

He’s been trying to handle this as honestly and sensitivity as possible. Which is difficult when she’s being told we are not nice people.

[MsPavlichenko]

Ok. But my point is that regardless of what is being said it might make her uneasy, or jealous or resentful at the moment. Even if she is not saying so. So it might be in her best interests to cut it right back until things are more resolved re contact etc. And

[DoctorDread]

God so much vitriolic judgement here.
OP I'm in a similar situation except my ex has tried to destroy my new relationship of 8months. I too suffered DV and my children witnessed it. I will not introduce my 3 to new bf until everything is calm (in spite of my youngest begging to meet him).

Hi daughter struggles with the idea of him being in a relationship so we have decided NOT to introduce the Dc into the mix until we are a lot more established and have worked out for sure if we are for the long haul. I'm sorry you've received such unpleasantness from other posters.

Our children can be a priority as well as us enjoying a new and healthier relationship. The two are not mutually exclusive

[moredoll]

I think you need to slow it down. Work within the same framework as the court. Overnight visits when the court has ruled. If the ex is the who moved she'll have to enable this. It's hard to see how much is going to change if the ex isn't addressing her issues.

[goldengummybear]

I think that you should wait much longer. At least until all of the Social Services investigations are over and he has some firm boundaries in place.

Introducing dd to your family now is pressure that she doesn't need. You say that her mum is high conflict. Imagine what she's going to be like with the dd if a meeting happens. You or your partner don't have to live with the ex. The dd does so for now her Dad should just say " StarbucksPo and her kids would love to meet you when you're ready. " and correct any lies calmly. His dd is about to hit the teen years so will be well aware of what her mum's like. It's bad enough that she has one parent pouring poison in her ear but if the other one is pressuring her in a way that will make her awkward then it's just as bad. Meeting you will put her in an awkward position as she knows what her mum thinks of you and she'll be forced to downplay how great you are because it's her mum and she has to live with her.