My wife hates my daughter. It’s tearing me apart.

[Sqf27q]

My wife and I married 6 months ago.
She has a 17 year old daughter who lives with us full time.
I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us 2 nights a week on average.

Ever since I proposed to my wife 18 months ago my daughter has just stopped interacting with her. When she comes and stays she says hello and goodnight/goodbye and that’s about it. When asked why she says she doesn’t know and is reluctant to talk about it. I’m sure her mother has said something to cause this but both her and my daughter deny this.

It’s causing massive stress and arguments in the house. My wife dreads the time my daughter stays with us. There have been instances where she has banned her from staying overnight and tries to alter or cancel the allocated time my daughter stays.

When my daughter is with us my wife never wants to do anything with us. 2-3 days befor she will start an argument and the whole weekend is spent walking on egg shells with me trying to give both of them equal attention, something my wife claims I rarely achieve.

My wife’s 17 year old daughter and I get on well and I always make an effort to involve myself in her life and take an active interest in her wellbeing. (Her natural dad died when she was 5) I try my best to me a positive male influence.

Whenever my daughters name comes up in conversation my wife is derogatory towards her and I struggle to listen to it. I rarely talk to my wife about my daughter and any contact between me and my daughters mother is always done away from my wife as she massively resents her.

I understand it is upsetting for my wife to be ignored in her own house by my daughter and I have tried everything to get to the bottom of the reasons why. But I feel the relationship between my daughter and I is deteriorating and I’m petrified she will one day say she doesn’t want to come and stay because of my wife.

I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Does anyone else have a similar situation or any advice ?

I think you need to leave your wife tbh. Your DD is only 6 and she needs you.

I think you need to prioritise your daughter here. Poor wee thing.

Hmmmmm no real advice but if eel so sorry for your little daughter. She must be very confused / upset to be acting like this.

I suspect her mother is saying things to her, which is awful.

Your wife needs to be the grown up and show your daughter love and kindness even if she is ignored / it’s not reciprocated. Your daughter is only 6.

Can you have a 1 to 1 chat with your daughter and ask her to open up about what’s worrying her ? Perhaps she is feeling threatened.

Whenever my daughters name comes up in conversation my wife is derogatory towards her

This really isn't OK – but I also can't help but notice there's no mention of you talking to your wife about how she's feeling, and where her insecurity and resentment is coming from... is she struggling with her own emotions and feeling like she has to deal with it alone?

How long were you together before getting married?

Whatever you do, DO NOT prioritise your wife’s feelings over your daughters. Your daughter absolutely must come first.

Jesus. Your wife is the problem here. You shouldn’t be married to somebody who can’t accept your child and seemingly treats her with barely concealed contempt!

and I have tried everything to get to the bottom of the reasons why.

I’m not in the same position as you, but from my experience in dealing with other human beings in general, I very much doubt that you really have done everything you can to find out what is at the bottom of the situation.

6 year olds are big and smart enough to throw their weight around, and they are also smart enough to have some truths told to them about how their behaviour makes others feel.

Talk openly with her.
If you aren’t used to talking openly with her, start with another topic, for example you could share a bad experience from when you were a kid, and tell her how it made you feel.

Some people think that they have to protect children from their own negative emotions, but then how do kids learn?

I don’t understand how you could marry someone you feel “hates” your child?? How long were you together before getting married?

I think you need to spell it out to your wife- she doesn’t need to be super close to your daughter, but she does need to talk to her nicely, occasionally spend time with her, and stop trying to get in the way of your relationship with her, or the marriage is over.

So your wife cannot understand that a young child can have very confused and strong feelings about her dad having a new wife other than her mum. Your DDs mother as you mentioned could have also been saying something to cause that but your wife's reaction and behaviour is quite awful. Your DD is 6 not 16 she needs to be allowed to go through the motions of everything that she's feeling and hopefully if your wife is persistent and makes a little effort without being too overbearing your DD will get used to how things are and see that it's not all so bad and maybe even grow to like her.

At the moment it sounds like your wife is getting her back up at a 6 year old child and says a lot about her.

Your daughter is six years old. Six. She is obviously struggling, poor girl. What steps have you taken to manage her emotional reaction to the breakdown of your relationship with her mother and the new marriage with your current wife? For a six year old child, this is monumentally huge. Almost her entire existence is based around her home life and family. She is telling you with her behaviour that she is not happy. A six year old lacks the emotional development to process and express vocally what they are struggling with. It's your job as her parent to guide her through and support her in coming to terms with the massive changes in her life and how your marriage will affect her.

Your wife's behaviour is deplorable and you need to put a stop to it immediately. To speak badly of a six year old child who is coping as best they can with massive emotional upheaval is very cruel and to then behave in such a way as to deliberately cause tension so that you are all "walking on eggshells" when your daughter comes to stay is just unbelievable. How was your wife's behaviour towards your daughter before the marriage?

The more that your wife treats her badly, the more that your daughter will resent your marriage and will see her stepmum (rightly, by the sounds of it) as coming between her and her dad.

Frankly, your wife sounds like a complete bitch but you know her best - is your daughter's behaviour so appalling that it deserves days of sulks, cancelling her overnight visits and generally making it all about her. Appalling behaviour from an adult. Your dd is hardly going to respond with love and affection to unconcealed dislike.

Are you sure your wife has not said anything upsetting to your daughter on the quiet?

What have you done to support your wife positively in this situation, and forge a positive relationship between her and your daughter?
This is in large part your responsibility. It's a huge thing taking on someone else's 5 year old. Very very different to an older child.
Start listening, start talking and start finding solutions TOGETHER. It's the only way.
Alternatively you could listen to all the horrible accusatory comments on here and demonize your wife...... not very responsible, eh?

God, this poor girl.

Challenge her when she’s detogetary about your DD. Say a simple statement repeatedly - something like ‘it hurts my feelings when you’re unkind about DD’

If there is no abuse involved then I would be tempted to request they have time together without yourself or her DD to build a positive bond. Maybe a weekly shared hobby (baking?).

If your wife doesn't make the effort with your (6yo!!!!!) DD, your DD will never come round.

How fucking childish and pathetic of your wife!

Prioritise your dependant!

Does it matter why your wife feels the way she does? Whatever the reason this is extremely harmful to your daughter. You need to leave her ASAP.

Also ask your partner to list the things she likes about DD and concentrate on those. She’s a young child after all and if you’ve got a life together ahead this needs to be ironed out ASAP. Your wife needs to remember that she is the adult in this relationship and as such has more power to damage or build a relationship

Maybe I'm the only one, but I definitely went through some crazy emotions when my DP and I first got together and I became a part of DP and DSS's life together – feelings came up that I was shocked and horrified that I was feeling.

I felt resentment, irritation, anger, sadness, insecurity... old wounds from my own childhood opened up, I doubted my importance to my partner when I saw how close he was to his son, I was scared of not being 'enough' to DSS... none of which I saw coming, none of which I could control to begin with, and none of which I knew how to deal with.

DSS is a wonderful kid, and he made my life so much easier than so many step-parents have it, and it's still taken us a while to navigate our relationships with three of us in the picture when it was the two of them against the world for so long.

And because they were so close, and because I was so ashamed of having these feelings I seemed to have no control over, I was terrified of talking about how I felt with my DP. I was angry with myself for feeling how I was feeling, frustrated and ashamed that I had to keep taking myself into the other room to get my emotions under control, and I felt very alone in dealing with it all.

I don't think the wife in this situation is handling any of it very well, and should absolutely be keeping her actions in check around her DSD, and I'd also hope that she's be granted the time and opportunity to work through her feelings the way I had to.

It took me a good couple of years to get my heart fully in check and feel secure with my place in our home, and to build up a relationship with my DSS that I truly cherish now.

We can't always control how we feel, and if you've chosen to share your life with someone, sometimes you're going to have to support them through emotions you wish you didn't have to support them through.

That goes for both your wife's emotions and your daughter's.

None of this is to say that banning the OP's DD from staying overnight or speaking in a negative way about her is OK – it's absolutely not.

But I do know how it feels to be desperately wrestling with your own emotions in a way that makes you behave in ways you don't recognise or like, and I can't help but wonder if this might be some of what's going on.

If you talk to your wife and she's not feeling like this at all and I'm way off and she's just being mean, fine, absolutely do what you need to do to protect your daughter.

But I have a hunch it may be worth a heartfelt, supportive conversation. Just to see.

Your wife sounds horrible, your daughter is a child and such a young one at that. Please don't try to give them equal time, your daughter deserves your full attention when you see her. Poor, poor child 😢

Put your little girl first.

What does your step-daughter (the 17 year old) think about it all? She must have an opinion?

Maybe suggest once to your wife that she has a problem and should seek psychological help - and if she doesn't do just that, it's time to call it a day. Your wife is the problem here.

How can you stay with someone who is derogatory to your daughter and doesn’t interact with her?

That’s what needs to change, your poor daughter.

Your poor DD, yes her behaviour may be upsetting to your wife, but the difference is your wife is a bloody adult not a young child. She sounds like she's trying get you to prove yourself by putting her feelings above your daughters (which would be unforgivable by the way). To have had your parents separate and divorce and one parent remarry all by the age of 5 is a lot for a child to go through, please prioritise her or you will ruin your relationship forever

And I’ve spent 20 years in a blended family. It is hard work, but you learn to bite your tongue in some situations, not openly condemn your partners chikdren