Child being turned against DP

[Annickey]

My parter moved cities (from Adelaide to Melbourne) to live with me four months ago. He travels 8 hours across an Australian state to see his 9 year old son for the weekend every second weekend. The mother consistently puts my partner down and is very angry about everything he does. My partner came back tonight very sad, saying he always felt the bond between them (father and son) was so strong that nothing could break it, but he feels his son really is being turned against him. It's so sad to see. I'm not sure that moving back to Adelaide (where the mother lives) will change this, to be honest. She is a very bitter person. I struggle a lot having her in our lives because she is so aggressive. I want to help, but it's hard to know what to do. She won't let him travel to Melbourne to be with us. I honestly do think she is turning my partner's son against him, and I wish I could help but I actually am not sure there is anything to be done. Any experiences or suggestions warmly welcomed.

He's old enough to understand that his dad has moved a massive distance away from him. That's enough to deeply hurt any child no matter what else is going on.

If the mum is bitter and manipulating him then your partner needs to be present, how can he play any meaningful part of his child's real life. So much can happen in that travel time. I couldn't possibly imagine my similar aged children being so far away from me.

He needs legal advice. She can't stop him having his ds at his home.

@Aprilshowersarecomingsoon I agree. I am going to find a lawyer

@lunar1 I can't move to Adelaide, so it's quite a difficult situation for my partner. He doesn't want to hurt his son, but it's a bit like staying in a small far northern town with no work - I'm not going to be able to get a good job there or be happy. So I feel for him. I love the son and have tried hard to build a relationship with him.

Did he not think that moving 8hrs away might affect the bond they have?

Its 1 hour on a plane. He drives so they can drive around in his car.

To be honest if you really can't move I would have ended the relationship rather than seeing a parent move so far away from his young child. He's opted out of any role in day to day parenting which may not be such an issue now but as the boy gets more independent the ability to pop round to see his Dad etc. Also having a child travel 8 hours every other weekend would be extremely unfair. He can't expect the relationship to remain the same, that is the consequence of the decision he made. It's not one I'd want on my conscience personally.

Your DP put his relationship with you above his relationship with his DS. Of course his DS is going to be upset. I'm not surprised his ex is annoyed too.

Yes, he can probably go and get the right to have his DS travel during the holidays but he has broken the bond he had and it might never repair.

To be honest, you sound like you've lived in one place all your life. I know a lot of families who travel- I was sent to Melbourne from Adelaide every school holiday to see my grandparents ages 5 up and to Ireland to see my other grandparents aged 8 up. Asking a 9 year old to fly for an hour once a month is not outside what I did from a much younger age. I can see that those who don't travel are sacred of it, like the mother, but it's not far on a plane. An hour isn't even a whole movie.

She can't stop him having his ds at his home

Long term, no. But short term travelling for 8 hours (each way?)....I am not sure how conducive that is to weekend visiting. Poor child will be exhausted for returning to school on Monday and much of the weekend will be travelling and nothing else.

And it is all very well blaming the mother but dad has made choices that will impact on his relationship with his child (and that's without mum doing anything at all) anyway. Blaming mum for those decisions is unreasonable. Basically, he's decided he'll make massive changes to his life and not really concerned himself with how that might impact on his child's life and by default, his ex wife's life. Maybe mum would demonstrate considerably less 'bitterness' if her ex stepped up and did some parenting once in a while?

I tell my dc that they know me and that even though I make mistakes they know that I'm not a nasty person. I do give ' lectures' I think it's talking and communicating but the ds say they are lectures. And I can get grumpy when they aren't listening to the 'do your hW now' but they know
I don't abuse or hurt them, so what anyone says they know me.
Also, I spoke to my df the other day and said why does my dp's ex act the way she does, she has a new baby is engaged but can't help causing so much shit
Even though it causes her issues. ( he dealt with my mum) I get on with my ex, so don't understand why the hate 3yrs on.
He said that some people will always hate one person, it doesn't matter what they do or don't the hate is there, and that the person she becomes is probably unrecognisable to her friends and family because she won't act like that with anyone else.

You dp needs to do the best for his dd and work on removing the negative being put on their relationship.

@ohreallyohreallyoh there is no opportunity to parent due to the restrictions the mother places. She's not a nice person. He has the son two nights a fortnight and pays child support. He would ideally love to have the son full time but that's not going to happen till the son grows up enough to choose

Well if travelling is no big deal why couldn't you and your partner do it instead? Remain long distance rather than putting that burden on a child?

@mayathebeealldaylong yes I agree that talking openly about it is a good idea - thanks

@Bluestitch my partner does it every second weekend! I said above.

Sorry I thought you were wanting the child to start travelling to yours.

@Bluestitch the thing is, being away from his life isn't integrating his son into his world at all- that's why one weekend in Adelaide and one weekend in Melbourne meets in the middle so the son can be part of his dad's life a little and get to know his word over time

That child is probably devastated that his dad left him andmoved states to be with you. Can you honestly not see that.

His father is entirely to blame. The child's mum has every right to be furious that her ex can inflict such pain on a child.

I, for one, have not lived in one place my whole life. I've lived in about 10 cities. I've travelled.

I also have DC and I can assure you that nothing would ever cause me to move that far away from them.

@LakeIsle48 the mum is always furious! I think you have a very narrow view of families! The son loves me and when we have holidays together he says repeatedly how excited he is to have a step mum.

@Doyoumind well, I won't be unemployed. It's as simple as that.

Just to add, if his DS has to travel EOW he'll never be able to have weekend hobbies, he'll miss parties and other social occasions which are important, particularly to teens so as he gets older he might be more reluctant.

A 9 yo is old enough to make his own mind up about his father’s choices.

It might not have been an easy choice but he has chosen to live with you over seeing his son more regularly. A 9yo doesn’t need anyone to explain that to him.

As for this:

To be honest, you sound like you've lived in one place all your life.

That’s just incredibly patronising. I’ve lived in several parts of the world. It makes no difference at all to how I prioritise my relationship with my children.

And visiting your Grandparents once a year is nothing like only seeing your Dad 4 days a month.

He's not going to be integrated into his father's life from that distance, it just isn't feasible. And what happens when he is a bit older and he wants to see his friends, do other activities, or just chill out after a busy week at school. He might decide he shouldn't have to miss out on stuff because his Dad chose to move.

Yes I'm worried about that. My partner can move back there, he can find work there in his industry and he has son who he adores. It's a hard situation for him. I suggested he
Might want to think about it. He doesn't know what to do.