Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Child being turned against DP

123 replies

Annickey · 28/01/2019 13:13

My parter moved cities (from Adelaide to Melbourne) to live with me four months ago. He travels 8 hours across an Australian state to see his 9 year old son for the weekend every second weekend. The mother consistently puts my partner down and is very angry about everything he does. My partner came back tonight very sad, saying he always felt the bond between them (father and son) was so strong that nothing could break it, but he feels his son really is being turned against him. It's so sad to see. I'm not sure that moving back to Adelaide (where the mother lives) will change this, to be honest. She is a very bitter person. I struggle a lot having her in our lives because she is so aggressive. I want to help, but it's hard to know what to do. She won't let him travel to Melbourne to be with us. I honestly do think she is turning my partner's son against him, and I wish I could help but I actually am not sure there is anything to be done. Any experiences or suggestions warmly welcomed.

OP posts:
Surfingtheweb · 01/02/2019 00:33

@Annickey his son was a part of his life, he's moved miles away by choice. Why are you cross with his ex? She's probably cross with the pair of you for upsetting her son.
It's so selfish & you don't see it at all. I feel sorry for the boy who now knows that his dad puts you before him & the boys mum who now has no dad on the scene to help with her son.
Selfish.

Original poster
Annickey · 01/02/2019 02:31

@Surfingtheweb but if the dad sees him the exactly same amount as he used to, why should he be alone and see him the same amount in Adelaide? He is a better person and a better role model for having a happy life and happy relationship. I don't agree with your perspective and I think these forums are for discussion, not judging others.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 01/02/2019 03:19

I think the reason why you have a different perspective to others, OP, is that you aren't a parent and other posters are.

Original poster
Annickey · 01/02/2019 03:48

@Doyoumind not all the posters think the same, and some agree with me. I think I could also be a lot lot less engaged with the son - I am making a genuine effort and in all fairness it's a huge amount to learn instantly

OP posts:
Original poster
Annickey · 01/02/2019 03:58

I suppose another way of saying this is, I'm open to learning and trying to- hence having conversations and thinking about it. I also think it's important for us all to know that there's never one right way- I am open to trying new ways but just because I haven't been a parent before doesn't mean I can be a good one in time.

OP posts:
Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 01/02/2019 04:06

Did they go to mediation when they split up? Or set up a parenting plan?

Your DP can either revisit these things or initiate them now. It is customary to have a parenting plan and revisit it periodically. I’m sure the most common clause is regarding parental alienation.

I definitely recommend seeing a lawyer, they can advise him and then refer to mediators.

Original poster
Annickey · 01/02/2019 04:10

@Returning2thesceneofthecrime no they've never been to court or had a parenting plan, dad has just agreed with what mum wanted which has worked ok. I have found a lawyer who specifically works with dads, and if things don't settle a bit after a year in Adelaide it might be worth the pain of going to court. Thanks for your help.

OP posts:
Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 01/02/2019 04:18

If the lawyer is based in Melbourne and his name is Mike, don’t use him, he is crap.

Good luck.

Quartz2208 · 01/02/2019 07:04

Op court for what? Eow has worked for the child for years why would you want to change it

abbsisspartacus · 01/02/2019 07:14

Ok stop blaming the mother for everything you sound resentful what is your issue? He chose you over his son his son is pissed about it nine is a tricky age I speak as a mom of a ten year old he goes to see his dad but he feels his dad doesn't want him around he never makes an effort with him my son goes ballistic AT HOME about this never in front of his dad I'm his safe space he takes it out on me all the time chances are his son is doing the same or similar so the mom is going to be even more pissed off

Quartz2208 · 01/02/2019 07:18

Also who said she stopped the pill it’s not 100% foolproof is that his line or hers

HJWT · 01/02/2019 07:53

@Annickey I am a mother & as heartbreaking as it would be to see DD's dad move away what would it change in her life if she still saw him the same amount?? Mumsnet isn't a nice place when it comes to these kinds of suggestions and if your going to turn your life upside down for his son id expect him to go to court and get 50/50 custody to make it worthwhile, or stay were you are take her to court and get set contact so he can get on a plane and bring his son there for the weekend.

HJWT · 01/02/2019 07:56

And his som DID NOT choose you over him, that would mean he has no contact with his son because of you which isn't happening.

I think all of these MUMS on this thread need to remember the DC mum left his dad, so why does this dad need to suffer for the rest of his life and be unhappy? Get a grip.

Quartz2208 · 01/02/2019 08:15

HJWT no I am saying that the important person is in all of this is the son who presumably is quite happy with how things are at the moment.

His life should not be disrupted because the OP has a desire to be a parent - if she is turning her life upside down it should be to faciliate the best relationship between the father and son and not go in

ohreallyohreallyoh · 01/02/2019 13:27

I think all of these MUMS on this thread need to remember the DC mum left his dad, so why does this dad need to suffer for the rest of his life and be unhappy? Get a grip

My ex had an affair and left me with three children under 3. He is an OK dad - sees them regularly but doesn’t pay maintenance. I have a chance a happiness with a man who lives 8 hours travel time away. I have decided to leave my children with their father because I am sick of suffering and being unhappy. AIBU?

daftgeranium · 01/02/2019 13:57

OP I am amazed at the hatful and judgmental comments on here in response to your post. Apparently it is OK for the birth mother to behave like a shit, but not OK for the father of the child to get on with finding a happy life, despite all his efforts to see his son and pull his weight and work with circumstances. I also find the comments on here about 'you're not a mother you don't understand' particularly offensive. FFS you are the one coming on here asking for how to improve the situation, because you care. you deserve congratulation for that.

Hopefully the mother will calm down over time and try not to make life hellish for her son - she seems to think it is acceptable to use him as collateral to take out her own bitter feelings about her ex. Unfortunately these situations always take time. Just stick together with your OH and try to make calm decisions together, one at a time, try to support him in having as much time with his son as possible.

Hang on in there - I wish you all the best.

abbsisspartacus · 01/02/2019 18:44

He MOVED AWAY FROM HIS CHILD

PoesyCherish · 02/02/2019 06:37

Ahh OP MN is a shitty place for stepparents.

Personally if he's still seeing his DS every other weekend I can't see the problem- other than mentally speaking for his son. Don't turn your life upside down or stop TTC just because of some strangers on the internet. If you both really want a baby you should go for it as time really isn't on your side.

The argument PP have made about it being his responsibility to prevent pregnancy is bullshit. I have a mirena coil, as a couple we have made the choice to not use any further contraception. It would not then be my DP's fault if I had it removed without telling him and then fell pregnant. She did an awful thing by stopping it without discussion. He had no reason to think she'd do that.

heidiwine · 02/02/2019 06:52

I was the kid whose father moved far away to be with OW. I’m now a step parent and in my forties.
I can honestly say that I still feel hurt by what my dad did. My mum behaved terribly and that didn’t help but now, looking back on it all, I hold my dad responsible. His actions have had a massive impact on my life, my confidence and my self belief.
Of course my dad had the right to happiness but his rights didn’t trump mine. I was a child with no choices.
Honestly if you love him encourage him to move back and re-establish a relationship with his son. If you’re dead set on staying in Melbourne then one or other of you could fly up every other weekend. In time things can change but right now you’re both fucking up this kid and blaming his mum. She might also shoulder a fair chunk of responsibility but the only thing you can really control is your response.

cushioncuddle · 02/02/2019 07:17

If he was only able to see him fortnightly and that still happens moving back will have no impact on his relationship with his son.

I imagine he phoned , video called or text in between visits and that would continue.

His son may feel vulnerable or not understand how your relationship fits in with his life and that could be causing problems. But it would also if he was local.

It depends how his M is supporting him. Is she saying nothings changed , you still see him fortnightly. He still loves you and is there for you.

Or is she saying. He moved away , he's got a new life. Etc.

People do and can influence others thinking for the good or bad. People set your mood. Someone comes in grumpy or negative it rubs off. You get told something enough you believe it.

The traveling part is different. I wouldn't send my child on a plane on their own. Wait till he's in his teens and revisit the idea again.

LakeIsle48 · 02/02/2019 10:55

Hear hear Heidi!!!

abbsisspartacus · 02/02/2019 13:11

No one said she stopped taking the pill it might have been a failure

Original poster
Annickey · 02/02/2019 22:18

Hi people,
Yes dad goes back every second weekend. I have said that a number if times below. I go back when I can, I am often away for work. I am fairly new in a senior role and have a million dollar mortage debt, these things were my life before I had a stepson. As I said I am investigating being based in Adelaide for a year. I think people who come into these complex family situations later in life often don't have opportunities to think through, or process quite complex situations over which we often don't have a lot of control. I'm not sure that judging people is going to actually help, I'm not trying to judge or finding other people's judgement useful, I just wanted to think through an aspect of my life as I wanted to explore ways of doing it better.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.