Child being turned against DP

[Annickey]

My parter moved cities (from Adelaide to Melbourne) to live with me four months ago. He travels 8 hours across an Australian state to see his 9 year old son for the weekend every second weekend. The mother consistently puts my partner down and is very angry about everything he does. My partner came back tonight very sad, saying he always felt the bond between them (father and son) was so strong that nothing could break it, but he feels his son really is being turned against him. It's so sad to see. I'm not sure that moving back to Adelaide (where the mother lives) will change this, to be honest. She is a very bitter person. I struggle a lot having her in our lives because she is so aggressive. I want to help, but it's hard to know what to do. She won't let him travel to Melbourne to be with us. I honestly do think she is turning my partner's son against him, and I wish I could help but I actually am not sure there is anything to be done. Any experiences or suggestions warmly welcomed.

@MyShinyWhiteTeeth it's hard for me to see him that negatively as I've seen him shut out again and again. And constantly put down. She left him and she puts him down to their son consistently. So yes, dad moved to the next city. He rings every night and visits every second weekend and I go for holidays. And maybe it's not working and needs to be renegotiated. He isn't emotionally absent at all and would have been more involved a lot earlier if he could have. His formal access to his son has not changed, but his brief impromptu drop ins with snacks have changed and, of course, it's the feeling. He wanted more access, it's not lack of want.

I think people are being really harsh.

This guy has met someone he loves. He has his DC 2 nights out of 14 so in order to move on with his life, he’s made the hard decision to move away and be with someone he loves for the 12 days he doesnt have his DC. At an adult level, I can see why he will have logically made that move.

My exH made noises about moving away when we separated and if he saw his DC once a fortnight then I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had. As it is, he’s stayed close because he is incredibly hands on with our DC and we pretty much share parenting. So he is very involved.

But From the child’s perspective? Yes, in that child’s shoes I would feel abandoned. And if you have a baby, it will compound that. So the issues you are seeing may entirely be down to your DP’s decision to move away. And nothing to do with the mother (although, yes it’s possible she is being pretty tough). I’m not sure how generous I would feel about my ex if he upped sticks and moved an 8 hour drive away. This stuff isn’t about the fact that he still visits etc, it’s emotional distance. His dad has left him.

In this situation, if your DP feels this sad, he needs to move back and you need to give him your blessing. Because you may have a baby but nothing will replace his first child and that bond.

My DP for a period of time looked at moving closer to his DC and I was 110% supportive. I wouldn’t move with him and I wouldn’t want to. But I would also want him to make that decision and I certainly wouldn’t be baby making with him.

Re the DC travelling once a month to be with you, my DC would hate that. By all means set it up but dont be surprised if as the child gets older it will stop. Their weekends get increasingly social. And jumping on a plane to see your dad interferes with that.

Ah, yes, not that much choice for academics in Adelaide. Although I did know a couple who started in Melbourne but then moved to Adelaide. The husband spent the first year commuting before getting a job locally. I think that the universities there often struggle to attract really good academics so if you are prominent in your field you’d probably haves good shot.

OP leaving aside that your DP's ex may or may not be a horrible person, your DP's relationship with his son is going to be extremely hard to maintain simply because he has chosen to move so far away. His son will always love him, but he will be hurt, upset, confused and maybe a little angry - and he has a right to be.

When my 2 were about his age my ex decided to go "home" for a year. He had his reasons, and they were valid, but home was on the other side of the world. It devastated my kids and DH and I were left to pick up the pieces. In the end he was only gone a year, but in that year they had lives that he simply wasn't part of, that he had no knowledge about, because he wasn't there. Phone calls can only make up for so much. Their relationship changed. They still loved him and were excited to have him back in the same country let-alone city, but the relationship was not the same.

Fast forward a few years and DH's ex decided to move 2 hours away from us. Might not sound like much, but again, the impact on his kids was huge. Because they were still at school they stayed with us during the week and we took them to his ex on a Friday, and picked them up on a Sunday. Except that they didn't want to do that every weekend, or even every second weekend, because they then couldn't hang out with their friends and be included in what their mates were doing, or, as Bluestich said, sometimes they were simply too tired and wanted to stay in their rooms and sleep/read/veg. Now that they are young adults, it's rare that they go to see their Mum. Not because they can't, but because their lives are in the city they've grown up in, which is not where she is.

I know you don't want to hear this, but the bottom line is that your DP has chosen to move a long way away from his son. Even without the complicating factor of a bitter or angry ex, his relationship with his son will suffer simply because he's not there. Being in a different city means that he will miss out on a huge amount. He can't go to school concerts, or sports days or parent/teacher interviews or pick his son up from a mate's place or help with homework - in other words the ordinary little things that happen every day that make up a life, he has chosen not to be part of.

You can blame his ex all you like, and certainly her anger won't be helping the situation, but your DP has created this problem by moving, he has to be the one to solve it.

Yes, I've suggested us moving back for a year to him so he can think about it and ask his son if he would prefer it. I'm 42 so I feel like my body probably doesn't want to wait too long before making a baby- I see completely what you mean about waiting being a good idea. I just worry about my age. I was only working and not in a relationship prior so now I'm in love I'm excited to have my own family. My partner also really wants a family at home. We can wait another year I'm sure.

I will also talk to him about it. Even if we move back, which i agree we should consider, a family for every second weekend doesn't quite fulfil what we want for a family you see, and if I was younger I wouldn't worry. But will talk to him about it.

I feel like the other thing I should have mentioned is my partner has been separated from the mother of his son for 6 years, without a relationship. The mother had a relationship for 4 years during that time that has now ended. So it's been some time and for my partner it was that conundrum of living just for every second weekend or making a life and then including the son in it. He adores his son and misses him a lot. - Skype every night isn't the same as quality time and that will be harder as the teenage years approach, I can see that.

The other things I should have explained is that we rely on my income almost entirely. My income pays the mortage, bills, and my partners travel to see his son. So while I love my job, it also keeps us in house and home. My partners' salary for full time work is not enough for him to live off alone. He was previously living in share accommodation.

I strongly feel the need to comment on your comment that your partner would like to have his son full time but that won’t happen until his son is old enough to choose. It would be utterly cruel to take this woman’s son so far away from her. Please never do this.

Sorry, but I do agree with the many that are seeing the DS POV. Regardless of what anyone said or didn't say to him, his df has moved himself a huge distance away from him to be with you.

I couldn't do that to my DC, but wouldn't really be in a postion to gripe about growing gap in their connection to them. Odd that he has done that, and that he's now feeling that and presumably attributes it only to his ex, when you don't say she did anything negative beforehand. So it's just about this. Maybe DS is having a harder time with it than he wants to outright say, I imagine he's hurt and angry.

The one losing out is D's, and its really up to your dp to be actually doing something about this. Only him, as DSM I would stay well out of it. Its for him and his ds to get through, and for him to be enough of a df for his ds.

He should move back. His son is more important than his DM and you

No the ex said a lot of negative things before hand- a huge amount. Always has. Lives at home with her parents and the son and they all lost their tempers in a way I haven't seen before when my partner suggested moving. They still do regularly. I agree it's not my thing to fix, but I don't think I can ignore it completely- making space to talk about options is important. And to be honest I don't think there is a rule book for life - my parter was doing what was and is the most sensible thing for his life outside every second weekend- but maybe he wants to change his mind and that's ok too. We learn through doing sometimes.

To be honest, you sound like you've lived in one place all your life
Wow.
And to be honest, you sound like you're not a parent.

You are trying to conceive with a man who willingly moved that far away from his child? Yeah good luck with that stupidity.

The fact that you cannot seem to grasp just how much that would have hurt the child and/or impacted on their relationship says it all. And you played a part in that hurt/shifting balance.
Maybe the mother is trying to turn the child but you both just handed her the recipe for success. Disclaimer If she is, her actions are reprehensible.

I've lived all over the place btw. Not that that is at all relevant. Wouldn't matter where I lived. I would never ever move so far from my child and I would never ever be a party to a parent doing so. I would also never ever be with a man who would do what your partner has. The fact that he's willing to add another child to the mix without working on the relationship with his existing child FIRST says all there is to know about him
You probably deserve each other tbf

Well you didn't say that op! I have no idea what a DM can say to her ds when his f has just moved 8 hours drive away. The ds will get over it, but at the moment he would be upset and angry. I think to have your ds be so far away as the RP, would be a massive adjustment to make, and a huge thing to expect when relations sound already very bad before doing this.

Is there a court order for contact in place? What does she say to your face, or his face? Or what is it that you 'hear' and how? Through the ds?

@Smotheroffive no they have never been to court. It's long angry texts and my partner recounting arguments and the mum listening into Skype calls and interrupting them that have been the ways I've seen her temper- I think he is keen to avoid court for the sons sake. She likes me, she can see I am trying and I care about the son. She really does try with me, but her anger for her ex partner still surprises me as she left him and she also got pregnant without discussing it with him when she has been on the pill. - all a very long time ago now of course and water under the bridge. I will keep working on the idea of having a year back there next year if I can organise it with work.

OP I think you and your partner are in a difficult situation. People do move for various reasons, work or personal. The difficult thing about divorce or family breakdown is that these choices become individual and not collective ones.

I don't think it's as black and white as some posters here have made it out to be, but I do think you are wrong to focus blame on your DP's ex here. The boy is 9 and old enough to have his own views and feelings on his father moving far away. He is going to be struggling with it. Your DP needs to focus on helping his DS with those feelings and the adjustment.

But when he lived in Adelaide he used to pop in the whole time
Here you go, you got your answer. Nothing to do with the ex, he just went from having his dad in his life regularly to only having him a few hours every other weekend and not even staying at home with dad. Does he stay with him in a hotel? What do they do during their time together?

When I started dating again, I made a promise to myself not to engage with any man living more than 1 hour from me to avoid the situation he is finding himself in.

He did, then assumed his, kid would travel to see him and that seeing him eow would be fine. Now he is seeing that it isn't. No idea what the solution is but sounds like no matter what someone is not going to be happy.

You don’t move away from a 9 year old unless you don’t want a relationship with them.
It was a thoughtless thing to do.
And the mother has no option for emergency childcare from the father - of course she is furious.
The kid feels abandoned and the mother has no normal support. Move back!

I can see this deteriorating so that in a few years - or less - the boy will decline to see his Dad for these weekend visits. Kids grow older, they develop teen relationships, and spending time with this absentee Dad will be less and less attractive to him.

And have you considered what will happen if / when you have a child ? Will your DP still drive 8 hours each weekend to visit DS , leaving you on your own ? How will you feel about that , OP ?

OP really look at what you are saying
You were together but he was too wild
The mum likes you but not him
He used to pop in all the time (this is not a good thing
You pay for everything
He just upped and left his son

And she is angry with him

And ask yourself why because I suspect you possibly deep down know why

I agree with Quartz228. Since reading your updates OP I've been thinking "This Guy sounds like way more hassle than he is worth."

Personally I would end things and move on. I know you are in love but sometimes the person we love is not the right person for us.

one needs to be told about things such as doctors appointments in order to join in. But when he lived in Adelaide he used to pop in the whole time. I know he really misses that a huge amount. And maybe over time we would be told about doctors appointments!!!! .

Yes because theres nothing like being proactive and finding out himself- the mother should spoon feed the adult man all this info.

This scenario isnt new, guy gets cunt struck and moves 8 hours away from own child, blames the mother. Yada yada yada. Yada.

He would ideally love to have the son full time but that's not going to happen till the son grows up enough to choose

Why should he have to choose? What parent demands a child chooses between them and the other parent? Can you not see how damaging that might be? Do you not consider that if forced to choose, the choice may not be the father?

Folks! We are loving people! We ring [redacted] every night and we love each other. We see [redacted] as often as we can. It's not as bad as it must sound on the internet. I know his dad wants a family at home all the time and that's a really legitimate desire.
Lots of families are far worse indeed. I am working on a year in Adelaide based on people's suggestions. My partner is a good man. His drop ins to the grandparents home were always welcome and he tries as much as he can to be involved. Thanks for offering your thoughts though.

This post was edited by MNHQ to remove identifying information

He moved hours away from his son by choice - and then, when his relationship with his son changed, he blamed his ex rather than himself? That would set alarm bells ringing for me, OP. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. I would NOT be considering TTC with him!

Be honest: imagine if your partner were doing most of the day-to-day parenting, because his ex had left their son with him and moved miles away to be with her boyfriend. Would you be defending his ex and calling her a great mother? I think the bar is set much lower for fathers than it is for mothers, frankly.

Obviously the bond is going to suffer when the child has realised that his father put his relationship with you over his son