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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Child being turned against DP

123 replies

Annickey · 28/01/2019 13:13

My parter moved cities (from Adelaide to Melbourne) to live with me four months ago. He travels 8 hours across an Australian state to see his 9 year old son for the weekend every second weekend. The mother consistently puts my partner down and is very angry about everything he does. My partner came back tonight very sad, saying he always felt the bond between them (father and son) was so strong that nothing could break it, but he feels his son really is being turned against him. It's so sad to see. I'm not sure that moving back to Adelaide (where the mother lives) will change this, to be honest. She is a very bitter person. I struggle a lot having her in our lives because she is so aggressive. I want to help, but it's hard to know what to do. She won't let him travel to Melbourne to be with us. I honestly do think she is turning my partner's son against him, and I wish I could help but I actually am not sure there is anything to be done. Any experiences or suggestions warmly welcomed.

OP posts:

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 28/01/2019 14:08

Why doesn’t your dp move back to where the child is? You can fly in every weekend to see them.

ElliePhillips · 28/01/2019 14:10

OP may I ask how long you and your DP have been together? I just want to get a fuller picture before offering any advice / suggestions.

HugeAckmansWife · 28/01/2019 14:10

If its only an hour on the plane surely the better option would be for your partner to move back, seek more equal contact time with his DS and fly out to see you every other weekend? This isn't about a bitter ex but choices your DP has made.

Racecardriver · 28/01/2019 14:12

So he moved to the next city over and now only sees his son once a fortnight (despite it being less than an hours travel) and is surprised that the child has cooled towards him?

Original poster

Annickey · 28/01/2019 14:13

@LegoPiecesEverywhere yes I will suggest it. I really want a family, we have been trying to conceive. -and may well have! So I don't know what it would mean for our relationship - but I love him loads and am willing to try living apart. It means being pregnant on my own, and having a little one on my own.
But I am brave enough to try.

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 28/01/2019 14:14

The son loves me and when we have holidays together he says repeatedly how excited he is to have a step mum

I think you have a narrow view of children there. A child in this situation will say all sorts that he thinks people want to hear.

Original poster

Annickey · 28/01/2019 14:16

@ElliePhillips this time only two years- we went to school together and were together as teenagers, but he was a bit wild and hence the baby with wild mum!!! I left Adelaide for work in my 20's and am going to encourage him to move back to Adelaide. It's a hard situation.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 28/01/2019 14:17

Don't bring another child into this.

Original poster

Annickey · 28/01/2019 14:19

@FaFoutis ah well I'm not soppy- im always shocked when he comes out with these kinds of things.

I go to Adelaide for school holidays, I just mean he is genuinely ok with us (can be away from mum for two weeks happily).

OP posts:

LakeIsle48 · 28/01/2019 14:20

OP I've lived in more countries than you've had hot dinners. My family is bonkers big and not one of them has ever left their children despite being separated or divorced.

Original poster

Annickey · 28/01/2019 14:21

@HugeAckmansWife yes I agree with you

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 28/01/2019 14:21

Adelaide has changed a lot in the past five years. You could always move back with him. It’s highly unlikely that you would be altogether unemployable. Most fields have started opening offices in Adelaide because the rents are cheaper so there is work for most professions there nowadays. Or you could commute. I knew many people who used to commute to Melbourne when I lived there.

ElliePhillips · 28/01/2019 14:22

Ah ok. Two years is quite a decent amount of time to know each other. Especially when you have the added history dating back to high school.

Unfortunately, I think I agree with most other posters that, even if that is not what he intended, it looks like he left his child for you. The boy will miss out on knowing that his father is within easy reach in the same city and as he gets older this situation could get harder.

You need to re-evaluate your plans with your DP (pause the conception plans for now) and work out how to make things work with the child he already has before bringing another life into the mix.

Bluestitch · 28/01/2019 14:23

Gosh I doubt moving so far away and then having a new child who he lives with all the time is going to make things any better with his son.

Original poster

Annickey · 28/01/2019 14:23

@Racecardriver I reckon I could commute for a while. I am an academic and I would genuinely struggle to find a job. But I think I should suggest it to him to make it feel more possible.

OP posts:

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 28/01/2019 14:24

It is madness to bring another child into this as things stand.

LakeIsle48 · 28/01/2019 14:24

Maybe if you have your own child you will realise that you would never leave your child. Your ex seems to have no bother leaving. Be very careful about who you chose to father your children.

Original poster

Annickey · 28/01/2019 14:26

My ex is having a hard time. I'd move back there with him for a while, I will suggest it. He is a loving man.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 28/01/2019 14:32

For fucks sake don't bring a child into this. It's unbelievably irresponsible from both of you given the current circumstances.

Ethel80 · 28/01/2019 14:45

I'm concerned that he was willing to move that far away from his child in the first place. It shows a massive lack of responsibility and understanding of what being a parent involves.

Parenting isn't a couple of nights EOW, it's parents evenings, doctors appointments, taking a share in covering holidays and days off school. It's also being emotionally available. Basically being there when needed and he can't do that when he's an 8 hour drive/a flight away from his son.

FaFoutis · 28/01/2019 14:49

LakeIsle makes a good point. Take heed OP.

Original poster

Annickey · 28/01/2019 14:57

Yes. I think us both moving back there and trying to do more of a shared custody arrangement is the best idea. I have to say he does try but the situation isn't easy - one needs to be told about things such as doctors appointments in order to join in. But when he lived in Adelaide he used to pop in the whole time. I know he really misses that a huge amount. And maybe over time we would be told about doctors appointments!!!! .

OP posts:

Original poster

Annickey · 28/01/2019 14:58

Actually I think being told about appointments is aiming way too high. But he would still get to pop in.

OP posts:

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 28/01/2019 15:08

I think you need to make sure your contempt for your stepson's mother is hidden from him.

You seem to place all the blame on her and not the father that left him.

Original poster

Annickey · 28/01/2019 15:11

@shinywhiteteeth yes I'm very appreciative of her and say only nice things. I do find it harder than I had imagined to have her in my life but son has no idea. I worry about not keeping it from my partner as it's hard enough for him. I would struggle more with it if living in Adelaide as I find it is a hard place. But I'm sure I would do it - it's just being mentally prepared.

OP posts:

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