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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Child being turned against DP

123 replies

Annickey · 28/01/2019 13:13

My parter moved cities (from Adelaide to Melbourne) to live with me four months ago. He travels 8 hours across an Australian state to see his 9 year old son for the weekend every second weekend. The mother consistently puts my partner down and is very angry about everything he does. My partner came back tonight very sad, saying he always felt the bond between them (father and son) was so strong that nothing could break it, but he feels his son really is being turned against him. It's so sad to see. I'm not sure that moving back to Adelaide (where the mother lives) will change this, to be honest. She is a very bitter person. I struggle a lot having her in our lives because she is so aggressive. I want to help, but it's hard to know what to do. She won't let him travel to Melbourne to be with us. I honestly do think she is turning my partner's son against him, and I wish I could help but I actually am not sure there is anything to be done. Any experiences or suggestions warmly welcomed.

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 29/01/2019 19:04

That's a good point well made thenPearl by turning the tables. DM would definitely be getting all kinds of rage ifshe'd run off with D's 8 hours drive away. I think its been difficult, for whatever reason, to see that perspective of their actions.

Singlenotsingle · 29/01/2019 19:12

Even if the OP's DP moved back to Adelaide , would he be able to see his DS more often? I expect the mother would still be cross, and still not allow any more contact than he is currently getting.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 30/01/2019 09:53

When the child is older I presume he can fly? Maybe accompanied? Look into that. Also, it gives the child options, when he’s older he can experience life in a bigger city and spend holidays there.

Plenty of people travel to see their kids and vice versa, I think just berating the Dad because he found love in another city is a dead end road, and one he Mum seems to be taking. It just leads to bitterness. He’s making a big effort EOW and his son will see that when he’s older. He can still keep a good bond from that distance. He should be establishing some ways of independently contacting his son too, like WhatsApp or Skype etc, he can read him a story, even check his homework.

He can’t control the Ex but I don’t think he should focus on that. He needs to keep up and be consistent. He needs to be interested in his kids life. Send him stuff or bring him things that show his son he thinks of him a lot. Keep up with his schooling and his friends, offer to bring his friends out on his weekends. Integrate into the kids life as much as he can.

Put it this way, she’s not stopping EOW is she? So just keep at it and don’t focus on her negativity. Maybe she just needs to get the grief of him finding a partner out of her system.

Pearl87 · 30/01/2019 16:43

I think just berating the Dad because he found love in another city is a dead end road, and one he Mum seems to be taking.

Put it this way, she’s not stopping EOW is she? So just keep at it and don’t focus on her negativity. Maybe she just needs to get the grief of him finding a partner out of her system.

Sorry, but it annoys me when people assume that any criticism a woman has of her ex must be bitterness due to him finding someone else, rather than because he's acting selfishly. You can "find love in another city" and still find a way to make it work without moving away from your child. He moved eight hours away from his own son voluntarily. He left her to take care of his son without any help from him in the case of an emergency. He sent a very clear message to their son about how much he values him. Yes, he can phone and skype - but why doesn't that apply to him and his girlfriend? He should have prioritised his son. Like I said, any mother who dumped her child on her ex and moved away to be with her boyfriend would be vilified.

Original poster

Annickey · 30/01/2019 21:17

@Bananasinpyjamas11 thanks so much. I really appreciate your perspective. Dad brings him a small gift EOW and they do have a special time together. They Skype nightly. I am going to try to help with homework as I'm better with spelling and maths than dad. I think it will start improving over time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annickey · 30/01/2019 21:21

@Pearl87 you don't seem to understand that the mother lives with her parents and the Father did not have additional responsibilities prior to moving not through want of choice but because the mother likes to have primary control. The mothers parents or the mother are her preferred support and the father is always trying to be included. That is a difficult position to be in.

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 30/01/2019 21:52

The mother really likes you, and you get on well.

I would think that says so very much about that DM. Very much indeed.

Completely uninterested about his dog-in-a-manger attitude.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 31/01/2019 00:08

I’m just very sad that people think seeing a parent EOW equals that child will feel abandoned for the rest of their lives. To me that is nonsense.

My son doesn’t really want to see his Dad, my Ex, even EOW as he’s got friends, school, a social life. They meet once a month. Kids lives get full of their own stuff, and EOW and contact in between is perfectly enough. He has a stable home with me, his mum, and he likes that.

I personally feel that 50/50 and lots of regular toing and froing within the week for a child is quite damaging in many (but not all) cases. The dad might look like a hero, for having so much contact, yet the kids have to have so many switches it must be very stressful.

Smotheroffive · 31/01/2019 00:32

Agreed that 50/50 is harmful to DC. We've only got to imagine what it would be like for us as adults to split every week between two families/homes, what belongings we have where, homework, when does what get done, etc. Sounds very chaotic for DC. They do need a primary carer, but hey also get a sense of belonging, its important that they don't feel rejected or so show less than by one of the two principle main cases in theirs lives.

Smotheroffive · 31/01/2019 00:32

*carers

Smotheroffive · 31/01/2019 00:35

*,feel less than

Original poster

Annickey · 31/01/2019 06:22

Yes @bananas I agree that often kids move around for parents not themselves. I think EOW is ok for this year at least and they still get to see his friends as needed as they have their weekends in his hometown.

OP posts:

RiddleyW · 31/01/2019 06:38

You sound like a nice person doing your best but your DP sounds like a bit of a twat sorry.

If I were you I’d be getting shot and looking into getting pregnant another way.

Sausagerollers · 31/01/2019 12:37

I have to say OP, you lost me at:

"she also got pregnant without discussing it with him when she has been on the pill".

Contraception is NOT JUST THE WOMANS RESPONSIBILITY!

If your cocklodging DP didn't want to be a father, he could have:
A) worn a condom
B) withdrew
C) Avoided sex on ovulation days
D) abstained from sex completely

Clearly he did none of those things, and whilst D is the only sure way to not have a child, when combined with a pill-taking woman A-C do a pretty good job of ensuring no babies appear.

Why on earth you would consider pro-creating with this man who blames his ex for his unwanted first child when he took no contraceptive responsibility, moves 8 hours away from said child and moves in with you because he can't support himself?

He hardly seems like father-of-the-year material does he??

ohreallyohreallyoh · 31/01/2019 12:59

The mothers parents or the mother are her preferred support and the father is always trying to be included. That is a difficult position to be in

In what way does he 'try to be included'? Does he expect information about schooling/appointments/life the universe and everything to miraculously drop in his lap (aka 'the ex should tell me'), or does he bother to cultivate a relationship with at the very least his child's school in his own right?

I am just not sure what right to be included he thinks he has. The parents live separately. They have their own lives. The child has a life with both of his parents but there is, rarely, 'inclusion' of one parent in the other parent's domain. Aside from the issue of how controlling that would be, it simply isn't healthy to be separated and in each other's pockets. Exceptions would probably be for serious health conditions but beyond that, what is it you expect?

And if she lives with her parents, her parents are far more reliable childcare than an ex who lives 8 hours away.

TheShiteRunner · 31/01/2019 13:49

Hmm. I see that you're in a difficult position OP, and it's not black and white. His ex isn't really the issue here, because you can't change her, whatever she is like. The only thing you can do is decide how to improve DSS' relationship with his father and with you. And it does seem that to have him moving back is the way to show his son that he is the priority. It's an awful feeling, but you can't really be a part of that decision- the DS has to come first.

Also, however awful the ex is, do cut her some slack. Something that surprised me when I became a single mother was the emotional load- it was suddenly all on me. If DC are ill at school and needed picking up, I am the one that has to do it. If one of them is having nightmares, I have to work out why and how to deal with it. I am the one that sees them day-in and day-out, sorts out their gym kits and get rid of their nits and know when something is bothering you. I LOVE it, but it is a huge pressure. She isn't going to be able to phone him if the DS breaks his arm, she isn't going to be able to ask if he can pick up the slack with childcare if she needs to. She is essentially completely alone for 90% of the time. That is really really hard.

Smotheroffive · 31/01/2019 14:26

Its him that has problems with her. You don't. Stay out of it.

Again, she gets on well with you.

TacoLover · 31/01/2019 15:55

sausagerollers I also think the DP is a twat but that argument is ridiculous. The wife lied. If a man lied about having a vasectomy then the woman got pregnant would you also blame the woman for not being on the pill? Or if the man said he would pull out then didn't?

Sausagerollers · 31/01/2019 17:45

@TacoLover The OP doesn't say the ex lied about taking the pill, she said:

"she also got pregnant without discussing it with him when she has been on the pill".

I understood this to mean that she got pregnant whilst on the pill (which as we all know can happen) but didn't discuss the subsequent pregnancy with him (I.e. refused to discuss abortion) so he blames her for the childs existance.

Either way, if he didn't want kids, he should have worn a condom.

TacoLover · 31/01/2019 17:49

Ah. I thought the OP was implying that the wife stopped taking the pill when she was supposed to be on it without telling DP. But my point still stands. You wouldn't tell a woman that a pregnancy is her fault for not being on the pill if her DH said he would pull out and didn't, or if the condom split.

Sausagerollers · 31/01/2019 18:04

No, but I'm saying 2 methods are safer than 1.

The pill can fail & condoms can split, but if neither partner wants kids & the woman takes the pill & the man wears a condom, your chances of implementation have got to be a million to 1, rather than 100 to 1.

What I disagree with is the woman doing her best to prevent pregnancy by taking a hormonal pill, the man doing nothing to prevent pregnancy, but when the woman gets pregnant the man blaming the woman; doesn't that seem unfair to you?

Equally, if the woman did nothing to prevent pregnancy & the condom split, I wouldn't think it was fair for the woman to blame the man.

However, in that scenario she'd have the option of going for the morning after pill (I.e. take responsibility for contraception) & then we're back to the 2 contraception are best argument.

Sausagerollers · 31/01/2019 18:04

*impregnation

ElliePhillips · 31/01/2019 19:10

Completely agree with you Sausagerollers so often the woman gets ALL the blame but it is the 21st century. Men have contraceptive options and responsibilities too.

I have also noticed that there is still a lot of demonisation of single mothers but relatively little condemnation of the men who have left them to shoulder all or most of the parenting. Like OP's DP.

Original poster

Annickey · 31/01/2019 23:49

@TheShiteRunner yes I completely agree with you. My boss is sympathetic to me working from home for a year which is a huge start- I'm meeting with them about it next week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annickey · 31/01/2019 23:55

Yes the mum got pregnant as her own choice and I support her in that although if she wanted a partner who isn't the man she had been in a relationship with for 7 years she shouldn't have chosen him was my point. I'm not critiquing her choice to stop taking the pill - I get it- but the dad is who he is, he is loving and hard working but obviously not perfect. It is slightly different from them having planned together and the dad to have chosen. He supported them financially as he was running his own business until she left him, and again that's her choice. I do have empathy for her but also feel she blames him for her own choices at times. EG becoming a mum of his son was primarily her choice seeing as she did not discuss it with him and then said she wanted to keep the baby and he said ok and went to pre natal classes and walked the baby at night and financially supported them all and did his best.

OP posts:

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