AIBU - half the holidays should mean in one go

[JoroL]

Background first
Dsd is 9
We have residence.
There is a visitation agreement in place endorsed by the courts.
The order says all big holidays are split 50/50 but does not specify how.
This year was dsd's Christmas with her mother.
The problem is Mother couldn't sort her schedule out to have a week in one go so has split her time up.
It feels like we've had no time with our little one over the break.
We had 24th with a late drop off.
Then 9-6 on Boxing Day cos Mother was working (which apparently was one of our days).
Then returned late on the 29th because Mother was working on the 30th.
Mother is picking up tonight and returning Friday because she reckons she is still owed 2 days even though this week should be our week.

Is it unreasonable next time to say pick your week, if your working you lose the day cos it's made planning anything and getting Dsd to see her friends and other family members really difficult.

Maybe I'm just annoyed because it feels like I'm doing all the work and being as flexible and supportive as I can, rearranging my schedule to accommodate her and she isn't putting in the effort she should be to see her daughter.

I got the impression she had asked for leave but her work couldn’t accommodate it.

If she’s not willing to try then yes, I understand your frustration. You sound like you’re doing a lot - more than both the “bio parents”. It’s important to take care of yourself too. Sometimes this means bearing the brunt of saying “no”.

Wow you really have it in for 'the Mother' don't you OP!
Is there actually anything she can do right in your eyes?

Your posts come across, to me at least, as if you are jealous of your dp's ex, hence your sniping at her. Why not leave her be and allow this little girls actual parents to make access arrangements for their child?

@Xmastinseltown
Not jealous in the slightest just don't understand why a Mother wouldn't do everything they could to fulfil their child's needs.
There's a lot of reasons to dislike her
She has a history of being abusive, She blames me for her mistakes, She blames me for things going wrong because i didn't help after she's said she doesn't want my help.
She makes dsd miserable.

What kind of Mother doesn't even have pyjamas or a colouring book and pencils for their daughter who comes to stay every fortnight?

@MissMalice she "missed" dates for the normal fortnightly weekend visits in December less than a month after dragging us back to court and didn't request anytime off for Christmas/New Year at all, just expected us to accommodate. Daft things is if she'd booked Boxing Day off she could have had most of her time in one go and we'd have had no running around to do.
She's messed up Jan/Feb weekends off too but just expects me to be free to accommodate her mistakes.

OP
Seems to me it's YOU who is doing all the 'blaming'.

Xmastinseltown

Oh leave her alone. She is bringing up her step child. Not excatly the best deal. It is NOT easy for the father to get full time care if there is nothing wrong with the mother.

OP you have my sympathy. She is BU. A week in 3 installments around HER work schedule/probably partner is ridiculous. If it was a men doing that he would called all sorts here.

I think YABU. You're trying to take over the role of Mam. According to PP you let your DSD call you Mam after 2 weeks?? It really sounds like her real Mum can't do anything right. It's not always easy to get time off over Christmas so if you have a more flexible work schedule it's better for DSD to remain flexible.

If it was a men doing that he would called all sorts here

No. Not really. If men have work schedules that differ week to week, go over 7 days or which aren’t published until a few days before, a PWC is told to suck it up if she wants the maintenance (regardless of whether it’s paid or not). Many more PWC are forced into paying full time childcare for children they don’t have care of full time because their ex partners work shifts/a 7 day rota etc and refuses to take responsibility for care on their time. Again, we are told to suck it up if we want the maintenance. In fact, I’ve paid full time childcare for 3 children for 10 years without receiving a penny in maintenance and my ex is praised for seeing his children regularly around his oh so difficult schedule. And it is worth remembering that a court is unable to order financial payments - or even really consider non payment of maintenance - in court proceedings related to access.

In short, as PWC you get on with it. Step mothers, however, are allowed to start sentences with ‘what kind of mother’ when a parent is clearly trying to hold down a job and maintain a relationship with her child. I also cynically note that plenty of dads need help in having clothes or activities but again are viewed as ‘trying’ as opposed to ‘what kind of father’.

You're so right @ohreallyohreallyoh
There are double standards here but not in the way OP / PP are suggesting.

In short, as PWC you get on with it. Step mothers, however, are allowed to...

Oh piffle. Some PWC are useless or even dangerous. Step parents are regularly flamed for whatever they do.

The daughter asked you after 2 weeks if you were to be called/if she could or should call you 'Mam' and you said yes.

You've been living with her dad a whole 3 months. Back the hell off the mother. Work doesn't always fit around family

I have a court order and outs splits half the holidays - a week at a time.

However, over Christmas it swaps. One of us gets Christmas Eve / Christmas morning until 1pm. The other gets from 1pm - Boxing Day ya 6pm.
Then back into normal routine.
It is to and throw in the Christmas period with separated parents.

Some PWC are useless or even dangerous. Step parents are regularly flamed for whatever they do.

Both of those statements are correct. However PWC are often told to suck it up and get on with and that the Dad's are amazing for having any sort of regular contact. In this case the OP has a huge beef with her DP's DD's Mum. She needs to back the hell off and accept she is not the child's mother, hell she's not even the child's stepmother. I'm not one who thinks you have to be married to be a stepmum but she's only been living with the girls dad for 3 months.

And yet she appears to be lumbered with the work.

And yet she appears to be lumbered with the work.

That ones easily solved.

Sure, if you discount the fact there’s a child involved who will be unsettled already. Solvable, yes, easily, not necessarily.

You're right. Not the child's fault that OP has waded in on some crusade and that her father hasn't been up to scratch.

The court obviously felt father is up to scratch and that the mother isn’t.

Read everything OP says she's done and tell me why the father couldn't have done that? He's merely "better" of the two.

You’re not the child’s mother after being with her father for 3 months and to compare your situation to adoptive parents is offensive, it’s very different. This child has 2 parents already, if her father isn’t happy with the situation then he is quite capable of sorting it out.

@catchingbabies I've been through ops post numerous times and I can't for the life of me find where she has said about the timeline you're suggesting, am I blind or are you making it up?

@flameycakes The OP has posted about this child previously.

It sounds like this residence agreement with you was only working before your DH got into an accident. If he’s disabled and unable to look after his own dd then maybe it’s time the girl’s mum had her.

Op what does the mum do? I work for a bank so hardly one of the businesses you'd expect to put limits on when people can have holidays. I have three guaranteed days off over the festive period (Christmas Day, Boxing Day and the 1st). On top of that in my department everyone gets to request one other day which they do their best to accommodate. I can't simply take a week off, they won't allow it. I know that my situation is still a lot better than others

@catchingbabies I'm too slow to catch a cold at times x