AIBU - half the holidays should mean in one go

[JoroL]

Background first
Dsd is 9
We have residence.
There is a visitation agreement in place endorsed by the courts.
The order says all big holidays are split 50/50 but does not specify how.
This year was dsd's Christmas with her mother.
The problem is Mother couldn't sort her schedule out to have a week in one go so has split her time up.
It feels like we've had no time with our little one over the break.
We had 24th with a late drop off.
Then 9-6 on Boxing Day cos Mother was working (which apparently was one of our days).
Then returned late on the 29th because Mother was working on the 30th.
Mother is picking up tonight and returning Friday because she reckons she is still owed 2 days even though this week should be our week.

Is it unreasonable next time to say pick your week, if your working you lose the day cos it's made planning anything and getting Dsd to see her friends and other family members really difficult.

Is an adoptive parent not a real parent in the first three months after placement?

OP has been given parental responsibility by the court. That’s not your average step parent situation.

By @CatchingBabies logic adoptive parents aren't parents for the first 6 months living with their child.

They can't apply to the courts for parental responsibility to be transferred to them until 10 weeks after placement.
Then they have to get a court date and reviews have to be done etc which takes an average of 3 months where I live before they are granted an adoption certificate hearing and are legally responsible for the child.

Ive had my legal documents since the end of November so is that when I became a step parent?

JoroL It's in the child's interests to slow this all right down. From the sounds of it she's adapting to Dad's temporary incapacitation, a change of residence AND a new person at home. You can't control a lot if that so perhaps slow down what is in your control, like stepping in as her mum in all but name. At least prepare yourself that she might well back off and declare loyalty to mum once she's processed some if this a bit more.

What makes you think you, with snippets on an Internet forum, knows better than a judge and a CAFCASS social worker who has heard all of the facts from both sides, Pogmella?

MissMalice Not much point in anyone posting anything on this thread if those are the prerequisites. OP has asked the unwashed masses for advice on the practical interpretation of a legal document.

Just to add that your DSD is lucky to have you in her life OP and don’t let the odd posters get you down!

It’s a good job you did step in to fill the mum void. Keep up the good work.

I'd go mental if some random woman referred to my children as 'their little ones'. She's not your anything.

Even if that woman had been granted parental responsiblity because you were such a deadbeat mum?

Especially then. But i missed that bit, sorry op. X

I feel like Shit Mum has given up here right to be angry that someone else has stepped up and looked after her daughter.

We only have OP's word that the mother is shit... as a non-resident mother I'm appalled that so many people just assume that the mother is shit because OP says so!

I'm not a shit mum (& thankfully DS's step mum would never run me down in such a way) but a judge still agreed that DS should live with his dad & step mum because by doing so he wouldn't have to have his life turned upside down moving to a new school & area - thankfully ex & I came to an agreement and presented a united front in court but as lovely & involved as step mum is (& she was involved in all discussions as it does have a massive effect on her life) she wasn't allowed into the court room nor is she named anywhere on the official court agreement.

If this was a mother suggesting that after living together for 3 months her kids should be calling her boyfriend dad this place would be up in arms!

The mother has lost residence of her child. I personally don’t think it’s helpful to resort to calling anyone’s parenting “shit”. The court felt it appropriate to have the OP in the court room and to give her parental responsibility.

We only have OP's word for that MissMalice having been through the process I'm dubious as to the validity of her claim.

If you think something is amiss, report the thread.

Believe me or not but I'm telling the truth. All communications come to me and not my OH too.

I actually originally asked if I was being unreasonable to ask dsd Mother to take her 6 days visitation in one go in the future as the back and forth is unsettling for dsd.
I feel that her expecting me to do all 6 trips to facilitate her 6 days in 3 lots made splitting up the days an even less reasonable request on her part when it's usually one trip a fortnight.

If you are indeed telling the truth then I'm even further convinced that the courts have some sort of quota to meet as opposed to considering the best interests of children if they're handing out parental responsibility to people who have only lived with children for a few weeks because I'm sorry but if this is true that is an utter disgrace & a complete failing on the courts part to put the child first - women in the same position with a new partner applying for PR after living together for a few weeks & having the children call him Dad would be flamed for it?

Also as it's in the best interests of the child (& the child's right) to facilitate a relationship with her actual mother if your partner is unable to transport the child then yes you should do it - after all you want to play mommy & the courts have granted you the responsibility to do so... so do it & do it graciously or not at all!

So - child living with Mum, child is being neglected, Dad can care for the child. Dad has a partner. Dad cannot drive due to an accident that’s left him in a wheelchair so cannot take child to school or doctors. Dad may need other additional support to parent which partner can and does provide.

Does the court
A - leave the child with neglectful parent
B - put the child in foster care
C - move the child to live with Dad and give PR to the partner who can do school and doctors and so on?

It’s not that much of a stretch to understand.

Bloody quotas

you don't need PR to do the school run... thousands of people do a school run every day without PR for the child being dropped off/collected!

No one is disputing that the child may be better off with her father & his partner but OP is jumping into the mothers role far too quickly & easily and her attitude smacks of trying to paint the mother as a piece of shit that needs to be erased from the child's life!

@whiskeysourpuss I didn't apply for parental rights
You can't do that unless your married to the resident parent and have the other parents permission. I was appointed by the courts to ensure the court order is adhered to and the child's best interests are represented as her Mother has made some very poor choices both in her own behaviour (abusive and neglectful) and in her choice of suitable babysitters (safeguarding issues).

How is it in the best interests of the child to remove her from the only stable home she has ever known with a Father who loves her and takes very good care of her to put her back in the care of someone who has previously been deemed unfit because he has an accident and it takes time to put things in place to allow him to parent fully again when there is a capable partner (who the child likes and asked to move in pre accident) willing to bridge the gap and stick to the existing visitation agreement.

The agreement says all transport should be shared 50:50 asking me to do all 6 trips because Mother can't sort her schedule and/or transport out is in breach of the agreement on her part and isn't fair on dsd who has spent half of the days of her Christmas break travelling and has only had 2 full days home with her Dad because the rest were taken over with traveling.

Surely some effort should be made on Mothers part to stick to the agreement especially when she keeps insisting she doesn't need our help to stick to the visitation agreement.

Where have I suggested that the child is removed from her fathers care & returned to her mother?

Unfortunately some parents are shit & the other has to pick up the slack but as a parent that's what we do for our kids.. so if in order to facilitate a relationship with her mother you need to do a fair amount of transportation then that's what you do because it's still in the child's best interests to have a relationship with her mother... nowhere have you said the child doesn't want to go - just that you can't be arsed with the travel.

It's up to you. Either do what suits you, or do what's best for the child.

As an actual parent, I know what I would do if it had gone through the courts as you say and my child wanted to see his mother parent.

Depends on your reasons for getting so involved in the first place.

Maybe I misinterpreted something Sending dsd back to live with her Mother was the only other option that kept her with a parent.

I've said on several occasions all the back and forth over the last two weeks has dsd unsettled and tired.
We had tears before she left on Tuesday cos she didn't want to go back.

I'm trying my best to facilitate the visitation but when Mother isn't sticking to her end of the agreement and I'm the one left with a child in tears when she doesn't turn up on time (or at all) despite being given the visitation schedule should I then run around after her to fix her mess?!

Maybe in the grand scheme of things all the running around over Christmas isn't a huge deal if dsd Mother was willing to do half of the travel and was usually reasonable and reliable but it's just another thing in the long list of broken promises and not sticking to her word.

Surely some effort should be made on Mothers part to stick to the agreement

One of the major aspects of being a PWC is facilitating contact with the other parent on a hook or by crook basis. Thousands of women are doing it every day, travelling, being messed about, expected to pick up the slack, fill in the gaps etc. I am not sure why you think you should be different?

Look at it this way, if you do everything you can to facilitate contact, go out of your way to make sure it happens, your DSD will never be able to say you kept her from her mother, or tried to replace her. She will have the opportunity to know her mum on a warts and all basis. You keep your opinions to yourself and you never try to influence their relationship negatively. You look for the positives and you say them over and over again. In time, your DSD will draw her own conclusions but if you get in the way, even just a tiny bit, she will one day work it out.

@ohreallyohreallyoh I'm trying very hard to do keep visitation going.
If wasn't I wouldn't bother sending activity packs so they have stuff to do together and making sure dsd is ready and on time for pick up etc
I never say anything bad to dsd about her Mother and even try to find ways to turn around the bad things she says about her or come up with solutions.
I'm even polite and cordial at hand overs no matter how rude she's been during the week.
All of this when I'm told on a weekly basis "I don't need your f**ing help".
I do it because I'm told by people more qualified than I it's what is best for dsd.

That's why I needed somewhere to vent about it all.

I don't expect to be different to any other pwc but i do expect someone to be a person of their word and to keep the promises they've made to their child and agreed in front of a judge.

Maybe that's where I am going wrong but If that is the case where do I draw the line between what to believe and what to take with a pinch of salt?
When do I act whether she likes it or not and when do I leave her to flounder because she says she can do it and then fails?!