AIBU - half the holidays should mean in one go

[JoroL]

Background first
Dsd is 9
We have residence.
There is a visitation agreement in place endorsed by the courts.
The order says all big holidays are split 50/50 but does not specify how.
This year was dsd's Christmas with her mother.
The problem is Mother couldn't sort her schedule out to have a week in one go so has split her time up.
It feels like we've had no time with our little one over the break.
We had 24th with a late drop off.
Then 9-6 on Boxing Day cos Mother was working (which apparently was one of our days).
Then returned late on the 29th because Mother was working on the 30th.
Mother is picking up tonight and returning Friday because she reckons she is still owed 2 days even though this week should be our week.

Is it unreasonable next time to say pick your week, if your working you lose the day cos it's made planning anything and getting Dsd to see her friends and other family members really difficult.

How far apart do you live? My kids hate to and fro-Ing between houses (45 mins away) so I've had to ask their Dad to arrange things to minimize it. So during the 2 weeks, he's seen them one weekend (which was his anyway) and had them online one extra night (Xmas Day) even though I suggested he could do a bigger chunk like 22nd to 27th.

Half the holidays does not mean in one go.

Why would it mean taking it all in one go? It's good to be flexible and work round each other.

Lots of work places have enforced working over the Christmas’s period.

It is unfair on your step daughter to lose out on seeing her mother because of this.

Petty isn’t a cute look.

Your little one? Is that your child?

No, it does not mean in one go, it means 50/50 split in whatever way works best for everyone. Especially the child.

I work in a hospital. I cannot take a whole week off work over Christmas/New Year.

Therefore my DD has spent some nights with her dad and some nights with me.

I work 12 hour shifts & could never book 3 consecutive weeks holiday in the summer - for example. How would I manage without DD’s dad collecting her from childcare on some of “my nights”.

You’re being oddly selfish here.

I would say that generally it needs flexibility but that you need to know what will happen in advance so you too can get sorted. Friendships are important but one of the difficulties of separated parenting is that children miss some play dates/parties/activities because that’s how it works out. If you have had her for 7 days on and off mum has dad the same experience. It’s not the end of the world.

Flexibilty is the key here.

There may be times when you might need a favour or two from her.

What @ohreallyohreallyoh says. I agree it needs flexibility but this can be worked out a few weeks in advance & honestly shouldn't be sorted ad hoc at the last minute. However as a pp said many children dislike toing & froing so whey my guys were younger I strove to minimize this during the holidays & had to have many frank talks with exh re this.

50/50 doesn't not mean all at once.
Life is not that simple. You've lived with this child three months. She's not your little one and you need to take a step back.

I know what you mean, you aren’t there to provide childcare when mum is working. However, probably over Christmas I would be more flexible with times, as it is difficult to juggle who does what and kids do feel pulled from pillar to post. If it was happening outside of Christmas (say in the summer holidays) I would be more inclined to agree that the children’s mother needs to have them for longer blocks of time and arrange suitable childcare/holiday clubs etc for working hours, as she would if she and her ex were still together.

TBH, I think you get shot in the foot on MN as a step-parent, you can’t win. If you actively like your step-children and want to spend time with them, you are painted as trying to steal them from their mother. If you find step-parenting difficult, then you are a monster. It is ridiculous.

TopBitchoftheWitches The OP is talking about their little one (Step-Daughter to her, Daughter to the Father)...

Sorry OP, I understand the frustration but the time should be split in whatever way benefits the child and family. The holidays can't be so strict, there needs to be flexibility on both sides.

@goldengummybear it's 40 minutes each way.
Dsd hates the to and fro too but the court order says half the holidays.
She was up and down all day on Boxing Day cos she had to go back after 8 hours.
Her Mother expected me to do all the travelling at my expense too.

6 days out of 12 in 3 separate goes Just isn't on, there'd be hell on if it was the other way round and we were asking to split the holidays.

I always put dsd first.
We engaged with family support workers to improve the home environment and quality time she spends with her Mother.
I send down night clothes and wash kits and books and colouring stuff.
I even provide a calendar showing the visitation schedule so she doesn't mess up her weekends off (again) and progress was being made but these last two weeks it feels like she is really taking the p*ss and going back to her old ways as soon as the support worker has signed us off.

Just because I didn't give birth to her doesn't mean she isn't my daughter too - you wouldn't tell an adoptive parent they weren't a parent would you - I'm the one who clothes her and feeds her and tucks her in at night.

there'd be hell on if it was the other way round and we were asking to split the holidays

Do you have the same work restrictions?

Where is her dad while you're doing and funding all the pick ups, drop offs, packing her bag up and tucking her in?

She's not your daughter, she could legally be your step daughter if you marry her father but that relationship is (and should be) different to that of the one with her parents.

Get her dad to liaise with his ex about this.

Dsd hates the to and fro

In this case her mum needs to adapt to minimise the disruption for her.

She was perfectly capable of doing so before the support worker signed her off.

Just a warning - on heat for some people step parents are wrong no matter what so take replies with a pinch of salt!

On here not on heat haha!

@MissMalice I'm disabled, self employed and a full time BSc student. I manage my time so that when dsd is home during the holidays so am I.
I have the occasional Sunday that she will be home when I am working because her Mother can't stick to the agreement and I am trying to be flexible to fix her mess so dsd doesn't miss out too much.
Luckily my family are around to help if needed.

@Pogmella stuck in his wheelchair downstairs since an accident last September, still waiting for his car to be adapted so he can drive again.
It's not my fault she attached to me so quickly, I fulfil her needs where her Mother clearly doesn't

@HeckyPeck thanks
I'm starting to get that impression.
People forget how hard it is for a Dad to get custody of a daughter when there is no fault on the Mothers part.

Okay so you don’t have the same restrictions on working then.

I get that stepparents have it tough sometimes (I am one) but half holidays is not meant as all in one go. It does sound like better negotiations are needed. Perhaps worth trying mediation to try and avoid returning to court for clarity over dates (which are always difficult at Christmas and likely to go in Mum’s favour to fit around her work commitments).

It's not my fault she attached to me so quickly, I fulfil her needs where her Mother clearly doesn't

But you let her call you Mam after living with her for only a fortnight?

She can call me what ever she wants as long as it isn't rude.
It doesn't bother me.
She calls her Mother Mammy so it's not like I'm taking her title.
She introduces me as her step Mam in official situations but doesn't correct people when they assume I'm her Mam and what does it matter that she doesn't.

@MissMalice already been back to court, her Mother was told not to go back unless there was a safeguarding issue as dsd was clearly well taken care of and settled.

The courts won't be more specific than half the holidays on court orders unfortunately.

I just don't think it's unreasonable to ask a Mother to take half a week off work twice a year to spend with her Daughter when it's what she needs.
Before I got involved in supporting the visitation it wasn't going well and dsd didn't believe her Mother loved her or cared about her and was refusing to go at all.
I even provide activities for them to do one on one because her Mother didn't have any age appropriate activities at her house.