AIBU - half the holidays should mean in one go

[JoroL]

Background first
Dsd is 9
We have residence.
There is a visitation agreement in place endorsed by the courts.
The order says all big holidays are split 50/50 but does not specify how.
This year was dsd's Christmas with her mother.
The problem is Mother couldn't sort her schedule out to have a week in one go so has split her time up.
It feels like we've had no time with our little one over the break.
We had 24th with a late drop off.
Then 9-6 on Boxing Day cos Mother was working (which apparently was one of our days).
Then returned late on the 29th because Mother was working on the 30th.
Mother is picking up tonight and returning Friday because she reckons she is still owed 2 days even though this week should be our week.

Is it unreasonable next time to say pick your week, if your working you lose the day cos it's made planning anything and getting Dsd to see her friends and other family members really difficult.

flameycakes I had been wondering the same too

maybe it’s time the girl’s mum had her.

The previously abusive mum who can’t be bothered to arrange her time around her child or even buy her pyjamas. What a great idea 🙄

I don't understand why I am being attacked for looking after a child who clearly needed some stability in her life in a scary time and making sure her needs are met while her Dad's new situation was addressed. He's needed to learn to do everything from a wheelchair, he's had to move to a suitable property and is still waiting for adaptations to be made.

Her Mother dropped her at school on a Friday morning 3 years ago for what should have been a weekend with Dad and messaged Dad to say keep her I'm moving away, dsd hasn't trusted her since.

The whole situation has been reviewed by the courts and I have been approved as a suitable guardian and appointed to deal with the Mother in all matters until her and my OH attend the court mandated parent communication classes as every time she tries to speak to my OH she becomes aggressive and abusive and has bullied him into giving into her even when it wasn't in dsd best interests and breached the court orders.
This isn't good for his mental health or the progress he has been making to overcome the damage she did. It's also not a good thing for DSD to see.

@twattymctwatterson she works in McDonalds a few days a week.

@HeckyPeck thank you

She is also now not paying her half of the school uniform bill that is due Saturday so dsd can return to school correctly dressed on Monday (part of her parental responsibility) when she has known the bill was coming since November cos dsd had another growth spurt and has had a very accurate estimate since mid December. Dad paid his half when the order was placed.

@Cherries101 the arrangement works fine if Mother actually sticks to the agreement and her honours her responsibilities but she doesn't.
She made a huge fuss about taking us back to court in November after the accident she was told to stop wasting court time and had more restrictions placed on her for the safety of the child including not leaving her with anyone except her Nana ever because 3 of her choice of babysitters were deemed a safeguarding risk.
She's since made more fuss about not needing our help yet has already broke the visitation agreement twice.

Unfortunately it takes 6 months to get an adapted car sorted.
Dad meets her needs at home and does lots of activities with her but can't drive until the new car is sorted and somethings a girl just doesn't want to talk to her Dad about things. What am I supposed to do? Turn her away?

@CatchingBabies a step parent with parental responsibility has the same rights and responsibilities as the other parents, the only difference between that and adoption is that the birth parents maintain their parental responsibilities too.

As the none residential parent that just means they get to
• determining the child’s education and where the child goes to school;
• choosing, registering or changing the child’s name;
• appointing a child’s guardian in the event of the death of a parent;
• consenting to a child’s operation or certain medical treatment;
• accessing a child’s medical records;
• consenting to taking the child abroad for holidays or extended stays;
• representing the child in legal proceedings;
• determining the religion the child should be brought up with. Where there is a mixed cultural background this should include exposure to the religions of all those with Parental Responsibility, until the child can reach an age where he/she can make their own decision on this.

Parental Responsibility does not mean that a parent has the automatic right to:
• contact with a child – this is the child’s right and not the right of the person with Parental Responsibility; or
• know the whereabouts of other people with Parental Responsibility or where the child is living. In practice, this means that if the child lives with one parent the other parent does not have an automatic right to know the address of that parent. The parent can apply to the court for this to disclosed and it may be disclosed if it is in the best interests of the child.

Just ignore them Joro. I’m sure some women hang around the step parent board like vultures waiting to pull other women to shreds.

Why don't you have pajamas and colouring books for her if you consider yourself better than her mother?

Did you even read the thread Drogos?

Really MissMalice? There's clearly an absolutely epic back story here that the OP's statement 'we have residence' did not cover. Myself and pp's (the vultures?) pointed out something didn't sound right and it turns out that, well, there is a lot about the circumstances that I think everyone would agree isn't exactly ideal for the child in question.

What exactly do you feel the OP needs to be attacked for, Pog?

Drogos, it’s the mum who didn’t have pyjamas or colouring books. And who abandoned her daughter. And left her in risky situations being looked after by people who were safeguarding risks.

But of course, don’t let that get in the way of your step mum bashing.

there is a lot about the circumstances that I think everyone would agree isn't exactly ideal for the child in question.

Having a deadbeat piece of crap for a mum being number one on the list.

The courts won't be more specific than half the holidays on court orders unfortunately.

My agreement specifies which weeks of the summer, Easter & October holidays each parent has. There are provisions for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day but we accept that the schedule gets thrown out the window during those 2 weeks & work around work patterns/family plans - mine, ex's & DS's stepmum's (but she has been in DS's life for 5 years & he's lived with her for 2).

@jorol For 3 months! You’ve known this child for 3 short months fgs. I would be backing you up far more if you’d been parenting this child for years, that isn’t the case. You are still at the “dads girlfriend” stage not the step mum stage.

I don’t believe the courts would have granted you guardianship based on a relationship of 3 months. Something’s not right about this. I’m reporting

The OP is still pointing out the supposed close similarities between being a step parent and an adoptive parent.
And as a pp said, I also think she is being offensive to adoptive parents.

@Drogosnextwife
I have everything for her.
She lives with us.
It's her Mother that doesn't have items for when she visits so i have to send a travel bag

@CatchingBabies @Cherries101
The relationship is much longer than 3 months, but you didn't ask you just assumed and bashed.

That is when we became a full time official family at dsd request.

For 3 months! You’ve known this child for 3 short months fgs. I would be backing you up far more if you’d been parenting this child for years, that isn’t the case. You are still at the “dads girlfriend” stage not the step mum stage.

This^^ OP you are being utterly ridiculous comparing yourself to an adoptive parent and it's hugely offensive. There's nothing wrong with you looking after her but there's everything wrong with her calling you Mam. Having a deadbeat Mum doesn't then automatically make you a Mum

McDonald’s isn’t renowned for being overly flexible in their annual leave requests- especially when they are largely open over Christmas and everyone wants time off. Its not as easy as if she cared she would have booked it off I’m sure there’s more to it than just leaving her daughter, otherwise why would she want to see her? And maybe she is struggling with money but doesn’t want to say anything as you come across so perfect. Your husbands situation is unfortunate, but this is largely between the 2 of them, maybe empathise a little bit more on what it’s like for her.

Really @jorol?

Then why did YOU say you’ve been with her dad for 3 months?

Living with...

@Puggles123 Thank you
Your post made me think.

I'd never considered the fact that dsd's Mother might not be able to live up to her word.

She gave me such grief about not needing my help and made such a fuss during recent court proceedings about being able to fully provide for her daughter (despite reputable evidence to the contrary) that I have since expected her to live up to those statements.

Maybe my expectations are too high.

@CatchingBabies
Living with full time as a family
Not together as a couple or involved in dsd's life.

Also named in the child arrangement order so legal and above board.

CatchingBabies that post clearly says lived with. It doesn't say been dating.

Living with for 3 months and therefore parenting for 3 months, but that’s the same as adoptive parents? Really??