Aibu to be upset

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner was asked when we can have the girls over Christmas. We have just got our rota and said we could do
Friday 28-Saturday 29th (our Friday to have them and he could drop them back with me)
Friday 28-Sunday 30th (he's working 8-3 and then I am working 5-11pm so would take them on my own)
Friday 28th- either 1st or 2nd January (dependent on our rota)

So the ex wife has said no we can only have them overnight if we book a hotel in the home town and have them there as she has plans (although told us she kept our weekend to have them free.) Hitels are stupidly expensive at Christmas and I have work the Saturday. So my partner is going in the Friday, I will have to find a babysitter somehow Saturday and return Saturday night: they will sleep on his mums sofa and air bed. She's not happy only because the ex won't allows them to us. The girls asked and we just said 'mummy said she has plans so you can't this time.'

So we went yesterday for our visit day, and took the presents up to save him taking them all up on the train and I bought half of them (said I wouldn't but didn't like the thought of them going without.) so we let the girls open half of them so I could see them. Cue the ex wife got stroppy about it and says it's unfair that the girls got presents from us before her. Although hers are from 'santa.' Then she did send a stroppy text because the girls asked why they couldn't stay at daddies and why mummy wasn't letting them see Santa with daddy. (We were visiting FIL yesterday and he asked what I was buying boys with their Christmas money from him and I explained we were going to a local amusement park, nothing big just a few small rides and animals and indoor play area where they have a ice show, baking with mrs Claus and can pick a toy from a huge room it was £12 for the boys and £5 for adults. A normal Santa grotto around here is £10 so not much different and I said I would sue it to buy them treats there instead of more toys. We asked for girls to go and the mum said no even though I was originally planning it on our Friday so they could have. We didn't realise girls overheard as they were listening from the lounge whilst we were in kitchen and asked us why they weren't going. So we explained mummy had said no.' We were simply being honest and not fair we would be criticised when it wasn't our decision.

The other day the eldest got upset we didn't go to her sports day and her school play (she's the eldest and a daddy's girl) and we had to explain we didn't as we didn't know about it! We only ever get told about the youngest and feels like it's deliberate.

So now she's throwing another strop. Am I being unreasonable to think she shouldnt have said no, and she shouldn't be telling us we can only have them if we book hotels etc and that she doesn't care if I don't see them open their presents and I shouldn't have allowed them too yesterday when I bought them. Does she not see how it's affecting the girls :(. We have really tried we have upped her maintenance to £200 a month now my wages have changed, and we have been talking to her to book a holiday to Butlin's next October just wanting to confirm dates with her as we have got a good deal if we can book in next few days and now again she won't cooperate. We have had a meeting with a solicitor and we are sending a letter Monday stating we want to try mediation, and if that doesn't work then we will go to court for a court order.

Maybe I'm being a little sensitive at the moment, just want the best for everyone and currently undergoing some meetings soon with HV about youngest sons lack of sleep so feeling a little drained :(

Why can't he go next week? Did he not have enough notice to book the time off:? You don't need to go - he could go with the boys could he not? Or your mum keep the boys and he go? You don't need to be there.

WHY ARE YOU STILL POSTING ON HERE?

My mum is working so wouldn't be able to have boys for him to go, she finished at 5.. he would need to get the train at 11. And we were only told Thursday. Not enough time to book off because they are extremely busy as they are closed for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day st his work so they have reserved everyone's holiday and no one is able to take time off in the two weeks leading to it. Everyone's days of at the moment are Friday and Saturday at his work to get the orders out. So yes too short a notice and he can't take boys on train not fair on them being dragged on two trains there and two back, plus would have to pay for eldest. And they wouldn't get back into station for me to collect until 10:30 and they would have to wait until I finished at 11

So can he or can't he get the time off? I'm confused.

Just feel the ex needs to grow up and put the girls first.

😂😂😂😂

That might be the funniest thing I’ve ever read on here!

Yes, of course if only the mum could take a leaf out of your DPs book OP. /endsarcasm

You’re lack of self awareness is mind boggling OP.

Urgh I hate this about school events.., it's not my job to ensure ex is up to speed and has his calendar arranged for all school events. I don't wish to carry the mental load for him 🙄 if you want to know what happens at school make the effort yourself to get on the contact list, speak to the kids about it etc and be proactive!

Also, why couldn't he have gone a trip on his own and taken just the presents he paid for and then you see them after Christmas with your presents?

Why doesn't he have a court order for access too? That would really help it would set the dates in stone and you would know where you stood?

No he can't get the time of work, but if he could do there is other issues (which I was outlining as to why he couldn't.)

We are writing w letter to try mediation and then if not court order..

And considering he would 2 presents and I bought the other 13 each I think it's only fair I get to see them

I@m sorry I@m really confused. I thought he was off on a Friday and a Saturday between now and Christmas so why can't he go up and stay with his mum?

And honestly this is two girls we are talking about - it's not about you. It's about them. You should be the grown up and let them get their presents.

I just sent presents to my son and his partner. They don't live near me and I am not seeing him for Christmas - I won't see them open the presents, and that's ok because it isn't about me.

Sorry I thought you were talking about the school play next Wednesday. Yes he has the Friday and Saturday with them and they will have half their presents as we did the other half Friday. He goes up 28th

But I thought he had cut his hours in work ?

He has reduced them a little but is still in 5 days. Up until January he is doing 35 hours a week.. My eldest is in nursery 4 days a week anyways and my youngest usually 2 but we are putting him in for 4 until January, and his employer is paying the extra 2 days for us as she desperately needs him
To work the hours until January. After January he will be doing 16 hours.

@Lovelife12345 your a absolute joker.
Could of gone to the school event you didn't know about but the ones your told can't make it!
I bought 13 gifts so I should see they are from me! Hahahahaha you
Counted and you think they will like you cause of it. What a selfish person you really are!
I've been buying presents for my dc for 13 years and up until a year or so ago they thought they were all from Santa.
I'm got my dp dd many gifts and they don't know they were bought and paid for by me.

And then you say the dc should know it's not our fault, eh yes it is, if your lot hadn't been such tits for so long ( and still are) the relationship between parents would have trust. It's the effect from the damage you've both cause.

You are delusional- work paying for childcare because he's so good? Haven't heard of a temp, would be cheaper. Work gave us time off, work understands I won't be able to work weekends. Work gave us vouchers for a theme park. Where is this magical place of such understanding?!

You bought them 13 presents each!? Why? Seriously why? You do realise that you can't buy their love?

You are deluded and I hope for the sake of your boys and the girls that you start listening to what everyone is telling you before you waste years of money and emotions into this sham of a relationship.

She's not trying to buy their love - she doesn't even like them. She would like. I thing better than for them not to exist and then her and her DP and the boys could live uninterrupted in their perfect little bubble together.

She's a point scoring martyr. NOTHING ELSE.

Oh @Helpisneeded13 you wrote exactly what I was thinking but in a much nicer way :)
Op reminds me of the Facebook 'I got the 12 kids 47 presents each' do you think it's enough jokers? It makes me blood boil. I can't work out of op is the biggest trip trap on the planet or some kids truly have to put up with this shit.
Whichever I am out....

Yes my work give vouchers, I am
Part of w massive chain so it's part of their reward system, along with discounts off food and drink too.

His work appreciate he is the only one who would go in at 2/3am and will go in later and stay TIL midnight if needed. They do it for all their staff if needed, plus Christmas they all get a extra weeks bonus. They have just secured a multi million pound contract so they can afford it and need their staff that no the business to get the product out on time.

As far as girls concerned their mums presents are from Santa and ours are from us. The way she wanted to do it, we have been to some previous shoes and we had to go to sports day for the youngest. Never got told about the eldest.

I bought a lot of presents on toysforapound.. where the retail is slot higher than what you pay. For example a paint your own chase for my son I paid £1 for however the sticker when it got delivered had the entertainers sticker on with a £10 price tag! A lot of families I have seen are using it. So yes I bought them a few presents but actually I don't think 13 is obscene. When we were younger we had a stocking and a massive pile of presents; and most of our friends did too it was quite normal! The boys get the same now.

I knew they weren't 13 good presents, just tat because she's moaned before about the girls being greedy and only seeing there dad when he buys the lol dolls.
And mum didn't want all her gifts just from Santa, mums never do it's nrp who have to make a point.

You know your going to look a right pair of idiots at mediation don't you!

Does OP get to go to mediation? If I was the ex, as I sure as hell wouldn't want her there, pulling his strings. He should go himself and show himself for the useless creature he is. OP can wipe his nose and check his shoelaces when she drops him off.

I'm so confused. Are you annoyed about the contact issue or that their mum is annoyed that you let them open presents early or the communication from the school?

If it's the contact issue, then why hasn't your DP seen a solicitor before this? Court is massively stressful, but it makes everything clearly defined. I'm guessing from PPs that there was a long period of no contact, why didn't he seek legal advice at that point? This actually really annoys me. DP has spent the majority of his youngest DC's life in court for regular, consistent access. It's massively stressful for him. I have to sit by and watch him suffer the nerves, and stresses of a court day, where he's actually physically sick from it, knowing that I can't do anything to make it easier for him. He puts himself through it regularly because it's in the DC's best interest. His family spent a year telling him to give up, he didn't. He, and others like him, are getting through the court system, while people like your DP seem happy to sit back and do nothing.

If it's the present issue, then I'm even more confused. Some parents don't want kids opening presents until the day, so if she's one of those, I feel that you probably should have respected that. I understand that you wanted to see the excitement. I did the bulk of the shopping for DP's DC - I'm out shopping more, so just bought things if it was a good deal, or something I knew they'd like - but we've told them that Santa understands that they're part of two households, so leaves presents at both. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do/say, but it seemed like it was. We thought it was a good way to demonstrate to them that they are part of this house as well. I'm looking forward to seeing their reactions, but they don't need to know that it was me who organised a lot of it.

If it's the communication from the school, I have some sympathy. Some schools are just bad at keeping NRPs informed. But then you say that the school won't inform the NRP without the RP approval in cases of DV, or if contact isn't allowed. So if the school are looking for her approval, there's a DV issue, or contact shouldn't be happening? Assuming that this isn't the case, your DP should send the school copies of their birth certs, and a cover letter stating who he is, that he has PR as demonstrated by the birth certificates, and what he's requesting. My DP included a copy of his own BC, and a copy of his photo ID.

Now, I'm off to make a post on the Santa issue, as I'm now second guessing myself.

He didn't go to court about the no contact because it was his choice, he had coke to buy, went to peppa pig world 234 times and needed to go on holiday with his new family. The poor love was stressed-it's hard when children need school shoes but you need to buy £30 of fizzy pop to feed your habit.

Plus the bloody dd wanted a large McDonald's! When you add that to the £1.50 school disco he had to splash out on is there any wonder he couldn't manage contact time.