Aibu to be upset

[Lovelife12345]

So my partner was asked when we can have the girls over Christmas. We have just got our rota and said we could do
Friday 28-Saturday 29th (our Friday to have them and he could drop them back with me)
Friday 28-Sunday 30th (he's working 8-3 and then I am working 5-11pm so would take them on my own)
Friday 28th- either 1st or 2nd January (dependent on our rota)

So the ex wife has said no we can only have them overnight if we book a hotel in the home town and have them there as she has plans (although told us she kept our weekend to have them free.) Hitels are stupidly expensive at Christmas and I have work the Saturday. So my partner is going in the Friday, I will have to find a babysitter somehow Saturday and return Saturday night: they will sleep on his mums sofa and air bed. She's not happy only because the ex won't allows them to us. The girls asked and we just said 'mummy said she has plans so you can't this time.'

So we went yesterday for our visit day, and took the presents up to save him taking them all up on the train and I bought half of them (said I wouldn't but didn't like the thought of them going without.) so we let the girls open half of them so I could see them. Cue the ex wife got stroppy about it and says it's unfair that the girls got presents from us before her. Although hers are from 'santa.' Then she did send a stroppy text because the girls asked why they couldn't stay at daddies and why mummy wasn't letting them see Santa with daddy. (We were visiting FIL yesterday and he asked what I was buying boys with their Christmas money from him and I explained we were going to a local amusement park, nothing big just a few small rides and animals and indoor play area where they have a ice show, baking with mrs Claus and can pick a toy from a huge room it was £12 for the boys and £5 for adults. A normal Santa grotto around here is £10 so not much different and I said I would sue it to buy them treats there instead of more toys. We asked for girls to go and the mum said no even though I was originally planning it on our Friday so they could have. We didn't realise girls overheard as they were listening from the lounge whilst we were in kitchen and asked us why they weren't going. So we explained mummy had said no.' We were simply being honest and not fair we would be criticised when it wasn't our decision.

The other day the eldest got upset we didn't go to her sports day and her school play (she's the eldest and a daddy's girl) and we had to explain we didn't as we didn't know about it! We only ever get told about the youngest and feels like it's deliberate.

So now she's throwing another strop. Am I being unreasonable to think she shouldnt have said no, and she shouldn't be telling us we can only have them if we book hotels etc and that she doesn't care if I don't see them open their presents and I shouldn't have allowed them too yesterday when I bought them. Does she not see how it's affecting the girls :(. We have really tried we have upped her maintenance to £200 a month now my wages have changed, and we have been talking to her to book a holiday to Butlin's next October just wanting to confirm dates with her as we have got a good deal if we can book in next few days and now again she won't cooperate. We have had a meeting with a solicitor and we are sending a letter Monday stating we want to try mediation, and if that doesn't work then we will go to court for a court order.

Maybe I'm being a little sensitive at the moment, just want the best for everyone and currently undergoing some meetings soon with HV about youngest sons lack of sleep so feeling a little drained :(

Why hasn't your DH contacted the school to get information sent to him? Things like sports day are usually on the website.

Apart from taking some responsibility and actually contacting the school, which I know is a massive inconvenience for your poor, put upon DP, Doesn't he actually speak to his kids? You know, "Hey sweetheart, what's happening at school? It's Christmas time. Any shows coming up?"

Argh, you again.

With the youngest school they won't put us on the list without the mums say so (this is been over the phone) so that's why I am thinking if we took any evidence and what evidence into the school one day would they add us on? However we always get told about the youngest sports days and plays etc. I think after Christmas we will try and get their birtch certificates and his etc and will make appointments with the head teacher and see if there is something we can do. The eldest school are bad for updating the website with sports day etc.

We are not trying to turn the girls against their mum, however if they ask us we will tell them the truth and the reason why because why should we be tarred and moaned st bu them when it's not us that's made the decision.

And they have ready beds to sleep in the lounge with, with the mum is fine about as they do the same when staying with my MiL as hers is a one bedroom place. We wouldn't put them in boys room, as we currently undergoing sleep issues with the youngest. We are waiting for the HV who has a plan we can try over 6 weeks before going to a sleep clinic. So currently my eldest son is in bed with us most nights because otherwise he is kept awake all night with the youngest. We need to keep
Youngest in his room and his bed to establish the plan. Which I am concerned as to what it is but if it works it will be best for us all.

@bumbother everytime he talks on the phone they just answer with 'I don't know' or if it comes up about school play (usually youngest) then we get told for youngest or the mum will say she will message us dates and never does. We aren't able to go to the school play this week as I am working, and we can't get w babysitter for the boys so have explained to her and she is fine so we haven't lied to her. We will always be homestbwhy we can't make it

Oh you're back and once again trying to blame the ex and eldest DD.

And lol at We were simply being honest and not fair we would be criticised when it wasn't our decision

The two of you have no problem with lying when it is your decision; lying about an injury when he couldn't be bothered to see the girls and lying about being ill when he was on a holiday with you.

We lied he was ill as jr was better for them than 'oh daddy is currently sat on tbe beach on holiday and can't visit you but you weren't able to come as we couldn't afford it' they would be more upset if we were honest about not taking them on holiday! But school plays etc they know we can't go to everyone and they are fine with that. Now the eldest knows it's not our fault and we didn't know she is fine.

What happened to you having thrown this waste of space out until he learned to be an adult? In response to your question, yes yabu to think you should have any rights to any kind of interaction with these children when even their own father can’t be arsed to bother with them.

And no,money does not equal rights.

And are you saying now that your H doesn’t even have PR? Well the mum’s missed a trick there then hasn’t she? Given he won’t actually be arsed to go and apply for PR she could move away and not even tell him where she lives and he would have no rights. But I don’t suppose he cares about that since the only person he cares about is himself - that’s right, he doesn’t love you or your children either y’know, first opportunity and he’ll no doubt be off to Coca Colaville

@SummerGems I keep seeing references to coke in relation to this OP. Her DP was addicted to the fizzy stuff or the hard stuff?

Why is it that the school won't communicate with him? He was married to the mum, must have been down as the dad, been to the school, etc. How can the school therefore refuse to communicate just on her say so??

@stokieginge he would get through a 2 litre bottle of Coca Cola a day, and we had to seek doctors help to get him of it because his body was so reliant on it.

He is on their birth certificate and has just as much rights as her, however the school
Is saying that for all parents if they aren't living together they want the mother's approval to add them to the database in case of DV or if they aren't meant to have contact. We have constantly asked her to put us on the list but she 'keeps forgetting'
Or 'doesn't feel he needs to'

The fizzy stuff, he spent more money on bottles of fizzy drink a week than on maintenance for his daughters (and gambling, xbox games)

@bumbother both girls have moved schools
Since they split. The eldest has gone to middle school (think that's what they call
If I am use to just secondary and primary where we live) and the youngest has moved first school because the mum wanted to move to other side of town with her boyfriend so it was closer for her to walk
To school; so since they have split the schools wouldn't have known him. They are saying it's because they have to be more careful these days

I don’t believe that the school won’t give him the information. He has access no? Have they told you they won’t give him the information? Because if not he is likely lying to you. He lies to everyone else after all, why on earth would you be any different?

And let’s be absolutely honest here now. You admit that you and your husband lie to the children all the time. Why on earth then should anyone here believe a word you say. You’re a confirmed liar.

@stokieginge I understand that if the school isn't cooperating, but it is an excuse used a lot. And you have to push it with the school, because of simple things like inset days.
Also as a rp it's not always that easy when you dc doesn't tell you or leaves their letters at school but we have to find out some how.

This bloke will not take any responsibility unless he is being pushed into it and even then he needs others to bail him out.
Left to his own devices he will just work the minimum hours and spend the rest of his time gambling, playing xbox whilst drinking coke.

The OP needs to stop lying to herself and everyone else that he is a decent dad to her boys and is 'trying his best' with the girls. He is not, he is a waste of space and the cause of her problems.

The ex for all her faults is a saint compared to him.

All true @HiHoToffee The OP's partner is, without a doubt, the most pathetic man I've ever read about on here. Him and OP seem to think he is some hard done by victim, always at the mercy of some selfish, controlling female, be it his ex, his mother, or his daughters. When really its just that he's a bumbling idiot, incapable of doing anything remotely responsible. Or worse still, just doesn't give enough of a shit to try.

I don't know how OP can bear him. He makes my skin crawl and I've never even met him.

bumbother

they would be more upset if we were honest about not taking them on holiday!

So you are happy to lie to avoid you looking like you are shit but refuse to lie when it paints their own mum as being shit. And you don't see why you should spare their feelings? By your own admission they were upset then too but that's ok?

"Seeing them open their presents" is a crap excuse for wanting to get one over their mum. If you really wanted to see them, wait til they are next with you and open them then.

This whole thing seems designed to paint you in the best light and her as an awkward bitch. If you were my DD's SM you can bet your arse I wouldn't be bending over to accommodate your work schedules.

I want to see a picture of OP DP just to satisfy my own curiosity. I realise this is no way a helpful input to the thread

@Yabbers no I am simply saying why should we take the blame for something that isn't our fault or own doing. We are not taking the blame when it's not our fault. They weren't upset about the school play the youngest understood we couldn't go next week. If we waited until our next visit I go up it would be middle of January before they got to open their presents with me, which is too late for them plus it would be after the eldest birthday. I can't go up that Friday she wants him to stay overnight as I refuse to pay a hotel st Christmas time and can't take saturday of work. Just feel the ex needs to grow up and put the girls first. I hate the thought of my son seeing his dad over Christmas but I don't stop him seeing him for my feelings I send him for his feelimsb and because otherwise it affects our son. She is mentally going to destroy the girls bu never allowing daddy anything or telling him
Stuff.

He doesn't need to go physically to the school. He can email the school with a copy of their birth certificates and his showing him as the father and request to be put on the contact list. He could also check the school website on a regular basis.

Also, one of the events he goes to, like the sports day or the school play or the school disco or whatever, he should go and talk to the head while he is there. I don't honestly understand why he hasn't in all this time.

We are not taking the blame when it's not our fault.

Or even when it is.