Family court and reduction in contact for private nursery

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

My other half is in family court tomorrow. He's self representing. It's a contested final hearing.

He recieved his ex's position statement which states she will agree no increase to current contact (which we expected). But that she wants to discuss a reduction in contact to facilitate the child going to private nursery 5 days a week as she wishes to go back to work. She is offering the bog standard every other weekend with one evening for dinner but must stay locally. The child is currently 22 months old.

He currently has 3 days wed/thur/Fri with an overnight in week 1 and Fri Sat sun in week 2 with an overnight. He wants to increase contact to add the additional overnights in.

He has no issue with her going to nursery. But since he already has this contact and he can care for the child instead of her going to nursery, how could this go down in a final hearing?

He has to prepare himself as self rep - and needs to work out how to address it without coming across badly. Any tips or experience with this?

I have never claimed to be her stepmum. It isn't a word I use to refer to myself, even if we chose to marry.

His daughter calls me ninny. She called me mummy when we first met. So we corrected her. She eventually called me ninny (it's close to my name, and even though she can pronounce my name, she still calls me her own nickname).

On the contrary, her mum refused to correct her calling her partner daddy. As it is, she split up from him last month. Which proves the point we've tried to establish, which is that you only have one mummy and daddy, but you can still have a close and loving relationship with mummy or daddy's special people (partners and their children).

We've been very careful how introductions were made for all the children involved.

We are all aware that relationships can fail. Therefore we have been mindful of this in establishing boundaries etc.

Being upset at the outcome is not over involvement. It's being human. Not cold and hard hearted. I can not imagine leaving someone with no emotional support going through this process.

There is no pertinent information missing. The decision not to change residency or any other consequence for the assault was because mum had already established herself as the main parent by virtue of giving birth. It was felt it was too traumatic to remove a child from their main carer. Which she had forced the situation to be.

He could never "win" in this situation. The only way he'd have been better off would have been if he had been in a relationship with her at the time and already had a relationship with his daughter.

@Jaffacakebeast do you have DSC? Or are you and your DC father separated?

The decision not to change residency or any other consequence for the assault was because mum had already established herself as the main parent by virtue of giving birth

Assuming mum had no other issues related to violence (at least that were documented), one assault would rarely be enough to remove a child from a parent. People do stupid things. Things happen. Do you consider that a baby should be removed from the mother at birth to give dad a chance at being primary carer? Because psychology would suggest that would be a poor approach. That he has had the contact he has had at such an early age is amazing and not to be sniffed at.

I don’t see why my circumstances are relevant, but I don’t have any step children. My ds has never had a SF, My ds dad and I separated b4 he was born and then again when he was a baby. There was DV. He has no contact at all.

ThisMustBeMyDream

I have never claimed to be her stepmum. It isn't a word I use to refer to myself, even if we chose to marry.

I didn’t say you did, I was correcting the poster who did say that

@Jaffacakebeast completely relevant as you can see from your one sided 'over involved' comments, that you have no experience in SF.

What's the issue stokie? This board isn't an exclusive club. Posters contribute from various perspectives. Some posters are separated parents, some have been the stepchild themselves or have stepchildren in the wider family. There's nothing wrong with having a variety of viewpoints. There are childless stepparents who regularly post in lone parenting too. It's all part of posting on a public board.

I also think that there is info missing. From just the financial side, he doesn’t contribute, does he work? Why is he only studying part time - explained that this is due to him wanting contract with daughter but doesn’t really make sense in the real world. The Mum will return to work full time and deal with all that that entails so why shouldn’t he. He can afford to keep his own flat so must be getting money from somewhere. The op seems to know a lot of the mothers financial situation but doesn’t really mention the fathers just that legally he doesn’t have to contribute.

Well I’ve got a SF, who has been my “dad” since I was 2 years old. I have a brother who is only a half brother and a whole “step” family so yes, I do have some experience actually 🙄 as a child anyway.

Monty did you read where it's stated that he does pay, despite not legally being obliged to pay? Or conveniently missed that bit out to stir up trouble? I'll assume it was a genuine error....

My partner has student finance, hardship fund payments and his parents contributing to his training as they want to support him to get this qualification as prior to this he was working in retail in a graduate scheme because his degree in social policy didn't really help him career wise. He only went to uni age 27. He's now 33 and trying to establish a career that will support himself and his child. Oh, he also does commissioned paintings when he has time (not much of that!).

I've just realised that all put Christmas plans are screwed up. He should have her for a full weekend this weekend and the weekend of 22nd. I've booked bloody Santa tickets at an expensive grotto for this Sunday at 2.30 (to fit in with her routine!). Now she can't go, and the ticket is wasted. And he should of had her 26th overnight to 27th then back for the 28th. But they've taken one of those days.
You know, she has never met her nanna. Because her nanna has 10 children. Most of them are of school age. Her nanna can't travel with 7 kids to see him. There's nowhere to stay for a start. We were hoping we'd finally be able to take her on the trip down there (NW to SE). I don't see how it will ever happen really.

Certainly not trying to stir up trouble but your posts give the impression that your bf is perfect! Why part time studying, the reason that he wants to spend more time with child doesn’t hold up, he needs to get qualified and earn money to support the life that he created. The mother is going back to work full time. I didn’t conveniently forget that you mentioned that he paid but you didn’t say how much. It could be £10 or £100 per week - we don’t know. Your responses are so defensive on your boyfriends part - which, of course, we all must try to support our partners, but I feel that everyone needs to step back and try to see the reality and of the mothers point of view and how she copes.

I've got to say I think he did win. He got his overnights. That should make life considerably easier for both him and his DD.

It's totally unrealistic to expect to have every weekend if the ex goes back to work and the weekend is her main time to spend time with DD.

Why didn't your DP take details of any up and coming commitments? then he could raise them in court. That's just stupidity on his part.

Sometimes it's hard to see the win in family court because you will always have to give up something to get it

Shared care also isn't terribly realistic if you don't move closer anyway

Monty, what would you like me to do? List all his bad qualities also? Like how he snores, and how 2 years in a row he's left his MOT to the last minute despite reminders. Everyone has negatives. I mean I like the house at the temp of lava, I'm terribly grumpy when stuff breaks or goes wrong, and I have to pick every spot or scab on me.
Is it a set rule we now need to list our foibles?
I really don't see the point in stating he has weaknesses. Quite frankly, none of those weaknesses cause anyone but him a problem. Oh and me when he had to borrow my baby car for a day.

Greeneggs he didn't ask for every weekend! He already had every other weekend plus 3 days midweek on the opposite week. He now doesn't even have a full weekend ever as he has to return her at 12.30.

I feel like I am just repeating myself to everyone now. I mean the information is on here, but apparently no one can read!

He needs to get a solicitor - the courts don't look too favourably on those who represent themselves. Shit but true.

As for what he pays, he pays the same as the cms assessed last year, £40 a week which is based on him earning £17k with no overnights.
When she was first born, he paid £400 a month. He calculated that he should pay £200, and he felt guilty that her other child didn't have a dad or anyone who paid for her. So he paid double. For 6 months. He stopped when he realised that being nice was getting him walked all over. He then paid £200. So she went to the cms. They calculated £160ish.

He then got it reassessed at nil income as a student. But he still pays the £160 because he doesn't want his child not to have what she should. The nil income assessment was just a fall back for the worst case scenario. Because if his funding was delayed, it would cause problems.

His dad offered to pay for a direct access barrister if the legal aid doesn't come through again. Thank fuck.
Unfortunately, his dad also said if he had known he was going unrepresented, he'd have paid for it yesterday. I really wish he hadn't said that. And just said he would pay next time...

How long were they together when she got pregnant and when did they break up? You say you met him when the girl was 3 months old do you really don't know what happened before but for what he would have told you.

There's clearly history there, whether she got pregnant after a very short term relationship, or someone chested or who knows what, but the outcome is that whereas newborns normally spend their first months discovering the world with two parents, this bsbybwithin three months was dealing with 4 parents. It's bad enough to manage to agree on the best way to raise a child when separated between two parents, it was bound to go very wrong with four. So yes, I think you have been too invested too early in the situation.

The reality is that here's a man who went to uni late, got into a graduate programme where he should have got in the career ladder from and earn decent money but instead has decided, at the age of 33 and the responsibility of a child, to go back and study yet something else. You say he pays maintenance but how much? You also haven't given any detail as to why social services were involved. This is not normal circumstances.

And as said yesterday, the judge will look at what is best for the child not the parents, and that always involved stability. This was never going to happen living so far away. If he is the one who moved, especially when not for a job, the judge would have had even less sympathy.

I don't get when she hasn't visited your OH's family yet. He does have some overnights so surely he could have madexthextrip to visit his family. What caring dad not want to show his beloved daughter to his parents? That makes no sense at all!

As for what he pays, remember he has everything for her to pay for at his too. Her clothes, food, nappies, activities, all the usual costs the RP has.

She has explained that he pays CM and that the ex assaulted him so he left.

@ThisMustBeMyDream I feel like you're wasting your time.

Those that take their time to fully read the thread 🙋🏼‍♀️ have expressed their sadness for yesterday's outcome.

In regards to the rest of them, save your breath. No matter what you say, because you aren't DSC biological mother you'll be a meddling step mum. And because you DP didn't carry your DSC himself for 9 months he should therefore have little to no rights in relation to her. 🙄😑

@swingofthings the OP does state that she didn't start meeting the DSC until January this year if you had bothered to fully read all comments.

@swingofthings OP also says why social services was involved 'DP was subject to DV by DSC mother'