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Original poster

Family court and reduction in contact for private nursery

298 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 04/12/2018 13:07

My other half is in family court tomorrow. He's self representing. It's a contested final hearing.

He recieved his ex's position statement which states she will agree no increase to current contact (which we expected). But that she wants to discuss a reduction in contact to facilitate the child going to private nursery 5 days a week as she wishes to go back to work. She is offering the bog standard every other weekend with one evening for dinner but must stay locally. The child is currently 22 months old.

He currently has 3 days wed/thur/Fri with an overnight in week 1 and Fri Sat sun in week 2 with an overnight. He wants to increase contact to add the additional overnights in.

He has no issue with her going to nursery. But since he already has this contact and he can care for the child instead of her going to nursery, how could this go down in a final hearing?

He has to prepare himself as self rep - and needs to work out how to address it without coming across badly. Any tips or experience with this?

OP posts:
OhComeOnRon · 05/12/2018 21:40

Oh OP I've just read the full thread and got to the end and cried.
I'm so so sorry this has happened to you and to them! It's not at all fair.

It also makes no sense- could my DH ask for every Xmas day because my stepson has a sibling here and his mum has no other children? No- it just wouldn't happen!!

I'm angry for you - and I think your OH is right- this is why some men give up. I can't imagine how anyone would think any of this was fair.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 05/12/2018 21:53

We will never have a child together, that was a joint decision as I have 3 children (admittedly one is 16 but they don't stop needing a parent!) And he has 1. We decided that it was in the best interest to gently blend our families over time, and not add to it. He maintains a flat, at an additional cost, because we wanted to do the best for all the children involved.
So because she will never have a sibling here, he's a lesser family?

My partner is one of 10 children. He is the 2nd eldest. He helped raise the younger children (the next in age is 7 years younger than him). He is a completely natural parent. He makes me feel inadequate quite frankly. He has a lifetime of experience with children. He works with children, and intends to teach ks1. What the bloody he'll does he need to do to be seen as an equal parent?!

OP posts:
Winterishere2018 · 05/12/2018 22:15

There’s certainly more to this than the information given the fact he can’t remember details is very telling , I did say you might get a shock from the outcome,they will look at all aspects. In reality the level of contact is still good.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 05/12/2018 22:21

The only thing he can't remember is the Friday of week one end time. He's got eveything else....

There is nothing that I don't know about. I've seen every report and recommendation. I've had the police here when he made a statement following her assault. I've heard all the phone calls, the letters. All of it. This is why it is so shocking.

OP posts:
Winterishere2018 · 05/12/2018 22:23

You are not privy to the information she has submitted though op which could have been the deciding factor.

MissMalice · 05/12/2018 22:30

I’ve seen some stupid things on this board but a total lack of empathy for an OP when an abusive parent has been given more contact is something else.

OP, your OH is already an equal parent. Who he is and how he parents will count for so much more than a few hours here and there in the long run.

RavenWings · 05/12/2018 22:36

Jesus Christ, some of the weapons on this thread are something else. It's the usual nonsense of him being a man and separated from the childs mum, so automatically he's wrong no matter what. Sorry to hear the bad news OP. It's not the end, it's just losing one battle.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 05/12/2018 22:42

Her evidence and position statements are provided to him prior to court. I've seen them.

OP posts:
MissMalice · 05/12/2018 22:43

Don’t waste your time, OP. Some people won’t be convinced no matter what you do or say.

PrettyLovely · 05/12/2018 22:46

So sorry Op it must be very frustrating, I thought things had changed alot in recent years with family courts but obviously not.
You and your partner both sound like decent people and I hope you can sort this out.Flowers

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 05/12/2018 22:46

The court have now basically added conflict to an already difficult situation. Wonderful!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 06/12/2018 06:29

And the s7 report that was made prior to contact commencing almost a year ago stated that they didn't recommend shared care at that time
Conta t commencing a year ago... are you saying that he had no contact with his child until she was 10 months old? What happened before? And why was social services involved.

Sadly I think there is a lot more to the story than what we've got here hence the seeming strange and unlogic outcome.

Jaffacakebeast · 06/12/2018 07:08

I agree. I think there is more to the story. I disagree about posters saying oh it’d be different if this was a mum. Threads that have a mention of ss seem to always be missing crucial information. And always get the harsh reply’s.
I can only guess by what op is saying that you haven’t been with your OH long? Less that a year? I think if that is the case you could also be missing crucial information. You seem over involved.

stokieginge · 06/12/2018 07:25

@Jaffacakebeast over involved? What exactly would you like individuals to do when their DP has a DC. Look the other way and act as if the child does not exist. Show no interest?

It infuriates me when people say that people are over involved.

OP clearly cares for both her DP & DSC. HEAVEN FORBID. CALL THE POLICE. SHE'S A MAD WOMAN.

Jaffacakebeast · 06/12/2018 07:43

Yes over involved, she knows the mums skill level? Benefit entitlement? Do you think that’s a healthy amount of info on your others half ex?

GreenEggsHamandChips · 06/12/2018 07:47

It actually seems I very sustainable result for your DSD.

50/50 is works best in cases where there is no conflict. This give you substantial time with the child whilst also giving her a firm base. Of course if your DP said you had no plans for more children it makes sense to have Christmas with the other sibling. Best for her, not best for you of course.

Not great for her to be bouncing backwards and forwards so you got the overnight. I'm guessing the ex put forward 50/50 isn't financially sustainable leaving DSD (And her in financial difficulties) which is another reason it went the way it did

It's a very logical result. It may not feel it.

lifebegins50 · 06/12/2018 08:12

Op, from an outside view (and having court experience) I can see why a court decided on their approach..many reasons partly because it's a template for contact that they know works.Also I think it's a matter of timing due to the child's young age. The distance between both parents must have been a factor in the judges mind as a shared parenting model only works if logistics are do'able, which isn't the case here.

Don't be too disheartened, time will be on your side as your dsd will get older and can start to verbalise her feelings.

I would only override this if your partner has concerns for the child's safety..is that the case?

I hope your partner doesn't feel greater animosity to his Ex as court is always a gamble (more than it should be!) and he took a risk going to court. It's not the Ex's fault...if she is a caring mum she will want what she thinks is best for dsd and herself, similarly your partner wanted what he thought was best for his daughter and him.
Take time to adjust and try to build a strategy where your partner looks to the next 16 years. What is the holidays arrangements?

stokieginge · 06/12/2018 08:25

@Jaffacakebeast from what I have figured (from this thread) OP works within a system that she is required to have a knowledge of the benefit systems (I may be wrong), also ever heard of Goggle. It's really not difficult to figure things out these days. I know what my DP Ex Partners skill set is from general conversations both with him & with her, as well as knowing what she does for work now. You do realise when people are in relationships they talk?! It's not a crime to have an understanding of a person when their life is intertwined with yours.

lifebegins50 · 06/12/2018 08:29

Green, completely agree. It is a logical decision. (although the Op mentions DV by the Ex).

Op, if the child is not at risk from the parent then contact will always be maintained. This is the case for whatever gender.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 06/12/2018 08:31

I met him when she was 3 months old.

Prior to court access was difficult as mum would cancel regularly. It was supposed to be twice week for a couple of hours, building up to full days, overnights etc.

Mum met a new partner when the child was a month old, introduced him as daddy straight away, and from then on made contact difficult. Dad had to sit in the room with the new partner. He wasn't allowed to hold, feed, change or do anything with his child. He didn't see her awake until 5 months old. As mum would usher him out if she even stirred, saying he was waking her, so he had to go

Contact stopped after she assaulted him. It took 4 months to recommence because she frustrated the court access arrangements.

As for holiday arrangements - he can't really take any as he has to make up the time to his ex. He would loose 2 weeks contact for one holiday. How can he do that without then seeing his daughter for 2 weeks?

Oh, and I didn't meet her until May this year, after contact had built up from January.

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 06/12/2018 08:42

The Xmas thing I don't understand, that should always be alternated IMO if both parents are regularly involved. I think the rest of the arrangement is pretty standard though, given her age, distance and the fact that she has always lived with her mother full time. The court has all the information in front of them and their only concern is the child, not validating either parent or making things 'equal'.

Laloup1 · 06/12/2018 09:20

OP I’m so sorry your partner’s outcome was not what he wanted.
I know well the pain of a court decision that goes against all logic. It really sounds like there are elements of this judgement that should be appealed.
And I know well how the court preparation becomes all consuming and so you, as DP, end up being more of an expert than you ever want to be on your DP’s ex’es situation. I have no understanding of why some people are posting as they are on here about you being over-invested bla bla. It’s normal couple life to be involved!
Hang in there. The judgement gives overnights which is one good thing. Maybe take the time to get legal aid sorted and go back with an up to date social services picture together with as much legal support as you can pull together.
Your DP sounds awesome. He’s escaped the vortex of a DV situation and is now doing his best for his child.

OhComeOnRon · 06/12/2018 09:33

@Jaffacakebeast

Over involved?
Typical Step mum thread - damned if you do, damned if you don't.

If my husband was going through court for access (which thankfully he's never had to do) I'm pretty sure I'd be aware of all the ins and outs as much as he was - as were a partnership and I would be there supporting him. Which is all the OP is trying to do.

And no crucial info missing re social services - her partner was assaulted by his ex.

Jaffacakebeast · 06/12/2018 09:51

Op isn’t the step mum though is she? It’s her bfs daughter, and rightly or wrongly, through his fault or not, he hasn’t even had a year of contact yet, too much too soon

Jaffacakebeast · 06/12/2018 09:53

I would argue there is info missing, as not only the mother always kept residency, she’s also had contact reduced. The judge must of had reason to come to that conclusion

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