Family court and reduction in contact for private nursery

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

My other half is in family court tomorrow. He's self representing. It's a contested final hearing.

He recieved his ex's position statement which states she will agree no increase to current contact (which we expected). But that she wants to discuss a reduction in contact to facilitate the child going to private nursery 5 days a week as she wishes to go back to work. She is offering the bog standard every other weekend with one evening for dinner but must stay locally. The child is currently 22 months old.

He currently has 3 days wed/thur/Fri with an overnight in week 1 and Fri Sat sun in week 2 with an overnight. He wants to increase contact to add the additional overnights in.

He has no issue with her going to nursery. But since he already has this contact and he can care for the child instead of her going to nursery, how could this go down in a final hearing?

He has to prepare himself as self rep - and needs to work out how to address it without coming across badly. Any tips or experience with this?

current contact is 10am weds-6pm Thurs, 10am-6pm Fri. Dad wants the additional overnights. He can also pick up much earlier (mum refused anything earlier). Then Fri 10am-6pm. 10am sat - 6pm sun.

Does your partner basically want
week 1 10am Wednesday -6pm Friday
Week 2. 10am Friday- 6pm Sunday

So 2 overnights a week? Seems perfectly reasonable rather than having the child spend 6pm-10am with mum on some days.

Arghhhhhh!

The baby was dealing with 3 parents, because I was dating him for the first 6 months. I did not meet her until may this year. She was 16 months at that point.

Yes, the relationship was short. They met at work, shenwas pregnant after 3 months of dating. They tried moving in together, she asked him to take on a flat so she didn't have to change her benefits. Gradually she wanted him at his flat more, and eventually it just fizzled out. It is written in the s7 the relationship history. Mum said it was a brief fling in her version. That's the only discrepancy between the two. No one did the dumping, and no one cheated. They are terribly unsuited. They have very little in common. It wasn't a surprise that it didn't last.

He went to uni late because he had a serious illness that stopped him. Not because he was wasting his life! He was set to do his pgce after uni, but that was when she found out she was pregnant, so he needed to get a job instead.

I have stated why social services were involved. Mum assaulted dad while he held the baby. I'm just repeating myself over and over now!

The reason he hasn't visited is b3cause he had been collecting at 10am, to have to drop off the next day at 6pm. He'd arrive at his mum's at 3/4pm if the traffic was kind (bear in mind at least a 30 min stop to give lunch and change nappy etc) it's a 5 hour journey on a good day. He would need to set back off home the next morning. We've done the Sunday return journey 4 times now in the last year. It took us 8 hours on 2 occasions, 6 and 7 on the other two. Would you drag your kid all that way for that?! And have the stress of maybe not getting her back on time and the wrath of her mother and the court?

Almost. He wants evening pick ups with 3 overnights really.

stokieginge

@swingofthings the OP does state that she didn't start meeting the DSC until January this year if you had bothered to fully read all comments

Pretty she started meeting the child in may, only 4 months after the dad started contact... if you could be bothered to read the comments 😑

I have stated why social services were involved. Mum assaulted dad while he held the baby. I'm just repeating myself over and over now!

Another drip to the story... so ur dp was now holding the baby

Was this assault at soft play? Baby was distressed and he refused to hand her back so she tried to get baby off him? I remember another thread with similar backstory.

@swingofthings are you just determined to make up your own wee narrative to suit your warped view of fathers? Had this been reversed and the OP described an exh who was abusive, unemployed, emotionally unstable and had previous social work involvement whilst she was studying part time to become a teacher to better provide for her child....i'm pretty sure you would have a different attitude to the court's decision. Despite what many women think - we do not own our children. Children fare much better in life where they have a full relationship with both of their parents (so long as it is safe for them to do so).

But he is being allowed to have a relationship with his child, he is having overnight contact every week. He just didn't get exactly what he wanted.

@Thismustbemydream Pay no heed to those who are determined to paint you as an interfering evil stepmother. This little girl is very lucky to have a dad who cares so much for her and your support of him in his pursuit of a relationship with her is a good thing.

I'm assuming that mediation is something that has been considered? If not then is there any chance that it could be looked at. Whilst having separated parents in itself is not inherently harmful to children, parental conflict can be and although she is probably to young to fully understand what is happening now, she will soon be at an age where she will realise that mummy and daddy hate each other and this is devastating. The fact that there was no cheating, and the relationship ended in a non-contentious way, might go some way for them to repair their communication and relationship for the sake of their daughter.

Good luck

I’m surprised at the Christmas thing. I thought every other year was standard. Both my ds spend every second Christmas with their (different) dads. Ds1 has siblings on both sides (my ds2 and his dsis to his dad). His dsis also has brothers to her mum; how on earth would that work if siblings always had to spend Christmas together?! I think you also should have got x weeks of the holidays each year, without having to “make up” the time. Otherwise I think the week to week is pretty fair. It’s a rubbish process to go through though, so I have sympathy for you both.

@TwistedStitch. He is only getting contact at all because he went to court. He has also had his contact reduced, despite him being seen as a fit and capable parent - all because he is a dad. Changing a child's contact arrangements for no reason at all is not in the best interest of the child.

He has had an increase in overnights though. He was having quite a bit of daytime contact but sounded like he wanted it ordered that he keeps her for 3 whole days and nights, which they obviously didn't think was in the best interests of this child. I agree the Xmas thing is odd, the only case I've heard of where mother was given every Xmas was where Dad was a religion that doesn't celebrate it so agreed this.

Honestly some of the people on the thread render me speechless. All I can say is that I hope, that should you & your DP split up that your DC are lucky enough to have a SP who cares for them as much as the OP appears to her DSC. And not the wicked SM you're somehow making her out to be.

And that all of the fathers continue to fight for their DC despite the obstacles I can only imagine you'll inflect upon them.

Honestly. This is exactly what is wrong with the world. People are constantly knocking people down. We're all women. We're meant to build each other up. As long as a child is loved, what does it matter who is providing the love, be that biological mum, step mum, dads gf, dads wife.

Agree with everything @stokieginge says.

Glad his Dad is helping him now OP.

Changing a child's contact arrangements for no reason at all

He wanted them changing though didn't he? He wanted quite a drastic change to more or less 50-50 overnights. It also sounds like he wanted quite specific things- days to suit his study even if that made it difficult to mother to secure childcare etc.

@swingofthings
I don't believe the facts have been presented as they really are

Then report the post and stay away. Don't stick the boot in.

Not believing that OP's partner is a saint who should automatically get everything he asks for in court just because he wants it, when the judges are the ones with all the evidence in front of them, doesn't mean people are calling the OP a wicked SM. She is clearly a supportive and devoted partner who has very clear ideas about what her partner deserves. The court aren't interested in what anybody deserves though, only what is in the best interests of this young child. I'd say they have a clearer idea of what has gone on that posters reading a biased account from somebody who wasn't even there.

" Too many holes sorry. SS services involved because she assaulted him when he was carrying the baby. This reminds me of a thread a few years back when this happened because the father had grabbed the baby from the mum and the mum was trying to get her baby back. Who called SS, him? "
Social service get involved when violence is in the presence of children. The police would have involved them @swing

No the assault didn't happen in soft play. It was in a car park during contact, because the letters for court had arrived that day. She lost her shit at the fact he had the audacity to go to court and request shared care. She lost control of her temper, and punched him, landing under his jaw, he couldn't react, because he had the child in his arms. The police made a SS referral, and so did he.

His flat is £260 a month. His student funding, hardship funding, and parents contributions combined with low rent means he manages okay. He does comissions when he really needs extra money.

I should add she didn't punch him just once, but three times. The 2nd two didn't do much damage as he was backing up and moving away. The first one caused a massive fist sized bruise and swelling .

That is a good level of contact he has, I thought 50/50 was in the interest of an older child who has experience of living with both parents when both were very hands on to ensure continuity.
My child used to go to his Fathers Monday morning until Wednesday after lunch from very young and tbh in hindsight I think this was the wrong thing for him, he was always very clingy to me during our time together, sort of extra loving but also stressed if he had to share me it was a joke among my friends that he was my shadow, (even tho he seemed happy to go to his Dad's). My child was a late talker but once he could verbalise he started to say I don't want to go to Daddies, I miss you when you're not there. As soon as we reduced to one day and night, (breakfast Sat until breakfast Sun) he relaxed straight away, like his personality changed within a couple of weeks, he takes me for granted now and seems more secure. He enjoys time with his Dad just the same, but to stick with the old way would be in his Fathers interest not his. He needs a main home.

@TheFishInThePot not to criticise you at all here, we get that same 'Id miss mum' comment from my DS.

But do you not think he would miss his Dad when he's not with him? There's no reason why a child would be more connected to any one parent so I never understand why a child should feel guilty for leaving one parent but not leaving another.

Is that too deep for a Thursday evening? 🤦🏼‍♀️

So actually the domestic violence you describe was a one off incident when emotions were running high? I am not excusing her but plenty of perfectly normal, reasonable and decent people have lashed out for far less. There is also a lot of one-off pushing, shoving, threats that go on when relationships breakdown. You should perhaps consider how you might feel if someone you really didn’t get on with was attempting to remove your small baby from you on at least a part-time basis. It’s very hard. It takes a lot of coming to terms with.

I’m sorry OP but I think your partner has a lot to be grateful for here. It could be far worse. He has regular contact with his child. If mum had posted here about making a career and not working when she has a child to support, she’d have been lynched. You seem very judgemental of mum and potentially the damage that will do long term is far worse than losing a night’s contact every week.

lunch is 11.30, she sleeps at 12 (mum's set the routine) til 2.30. Then she has to have dinner at 4.

Just to note, this is how much they took the child in to consideration.... she has her lunch at 11.30. She's a super slow eater, she generally takes a good half an hour to eat. She naps at 12/12.30. How is he supposed to give her her lunch, and stop her having a car nap when he has to get her back for 12.30. The reality is, he won't give able to give her lunch, and she will fall asleep on the 45 min drive back, and that's her afternoon nap and meal times screwed up. It's not possible!

If she's going to nursery, I'd be surprised if that strict routine can be maintained anyway. Surely a nursery cannot accommodate every child, every day, in such a way?