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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Bugger. SD asked if she could call me Dad.

58 replies

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 03/12/2018 11:54

Background: Lived with partner for 2 years. Two SDs now 4 and 8. Partner is 22 weeks pregnant with our child. Both kids very enthusiastic about new little sister coming along.

SD4 doesn't worry about it all, there's mum, there's dad, there's me and she's just a happy little thing happy to soak up whatever love is coming her way. She's got a baby obsession and our main issue won't be more than making sure she treats new sis a little more gently than she treats her dolls...

SD8 is also a happy little thing, but understandably struggling to arrange everything neatly in her mind.

She absolutely loves her dad, but we're close. We chat a lot and she confides in me.

She's struggling a little that the new baby will get to call me Dad and she can't, and she'd like to too. She's too innocent still to understand the impact this would have on her own dad. He has (in a very nice way) told my partner that it's a little painful with the new child because it feels like it'll increase the distance between him and his girls.

He isn't being unpleasant about it at all. Just honest and isn't asking for anything to change. He isn't a problem and I absolutely will not entertain taking away the title of 'dad' from him.

Just for an added little flavour, I'm an immigrant (from the UK) here in Scandinavia, and they obviously have a different word for Dad (Far.)

At the moment I have a nickname (that my family have for me) that the girls use.

I had kind of planned to be Dad to our baby so that I'm 'Far' to none of the girls, if that makes sense. But part of me thinks that then the local word, Far, will be something she associates with her sisters' dad, since that's what he's obviously referred to in our household. And it'll be confusing in a different way.

I don't want to have our baby use my nickname because I'd like to 'Dad/Far!'

I feel a bit silly for overthinking this one issue and guess we're lucky that this is the biggest problem we seem to be facing. I think there's a deeper fear of how it may effect them if I'm visibly closer to the baby - bear in mine that they live with us 12 days out of 14 and we currently do everything as a four (trust me, we give them plenty of opportunity for 'time just with mum' - they don't seem bothered.)

I felt the baby's first kick last week, and even after that it feels like a strange concept to love the little thing more than my partner's two little girls. I think I just don't them to feel that what we have is in any way diminished by the baby arriving, whilst still enforcing the correct Step-parent/child boundaries. I feel a little lost in it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Knittink · 03/12/2018 12:05

You sound likea lovely stepdad, and it's great that you're being so sensitive to the feelings of all concerned. It sounds to me as though the simplest option would be to have all the children call you 'far' - no confusion with the girls' dad, but at the same time all the children get to call you something that means dad.

Zampa · 03/12/2018 12:06

You sound very considered and thoughtful.

Speaking from my own experience, please encourage your step-daughters to use a different name for you than for their own father. Whilst I appreciate love is infinite, names do matter for the parties involved. I'm sure that as you've set out above, there are alternative names to Daddy which remain appropriate.

MerryGinmas · 03/12/2018 12:09

What do they call their dad? If they call him Far then could they call you Dad? My DNieces call both their SD and D Dad, although Dad isn't very involved.

Original poster

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 03/12/2018 12:10

Knittink, the girl's dad is from here so he is 'far.' Like most here he speaks perfectly good English and would know 'Dad' is just 'getting around the rules.'

Ultimately they will continue to use my nickname and there is no other option. (They refer to me as their stepdad but don't call me that directly, if that makes sense.)

It would probably be lovely for them if the baby used my nickname too. Am I being selfish for wanting to be called 'Dad/Far' by my own biological child, despite the fact it might cause some distress to my SD?

OP posts:

Knittink · 03/12/2018 12:12

Oh sorry - I misread!

Original poster

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 03/12/2018 12:14

@MerryGinmas

It crossed my mind. The thing is, as said above, asking them to call me 'Dad' is just bending the rules. It would still hurt their dad.

He was a mess when they split (she kicked him out for a host of very good reasons, but he's not an 'evil' man.)

But he has made such a huge effort with the girls. He's trying so hard. He's become a happier person and it's had a really positive impact on the girls. So it's not an option to use Dad, it'll hurt him just the same.

I'm also kinda proud of the step-dad thing, to be honest...

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 03/12/2018 12:18

It’s really good how considerate you are being of everyone’s feelings here. My advice to your would be to speak to their father and see how he feels about.

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 12:19

I think it’s fine for her to call you Dad providing it’s her own choice and it’s not being encouraged as such.

My children call their stepmother by the cutesy pet name my ex uses for her. I’ve just had to get used to it.

MerryGinmas · 03/12/2018 12:19

Yeah I can see your point, it's just trying to make the older children feel that they're just as important to you as the new baby, and also teaching the baby to call you Dad rather than calling you whatever SDs call you.

I like the idea of the family nickname, could new baby use both Dad/Far and the nickname occasionally? Like it's another name that they can all use for you? IYSWIM

LetMeThinkAboutThat · 03/12/2018 12:22

You may need to consider what impact this may have on your biological child too, not being able to call their own dad, ‘dad’.

SoupDragon · 03/12/2018 12:25

Honestly, I think she is old enough to understand that she shouldn't call you "dad" and why. Reassure her that it makes no difference to how you feel about her and to her position in your family.

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 12:27

Are relations between you and their Dad positive enough to have a conversation about it? Can you explain SD has asked and acknowledge it may be painful for him and that you don’t want to tread on his toes at all. I think it would be a good idea to not be Far to her if that’s what he is but point out that calling you Dad and the new baby calling you Dad might help her to feel like she’s not being pushed out.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/12/2018 12:28

My dh, stepdad to my 2 DD’s told my youngest (she was 3 when he started living with us), that she already had a dad, so she calls Dad, Dad, and him by his name. He loves her to bits but has always said, Dad is Dad.

Mishappening · 03/12/2018 12:34

It is interesting that this little lass has thought about the fact that the new sister will call you Dad and she won't. A strange train of thought for an 8 year old. But now it is "out there" I guess it needs a bit of thought.

Do you get on well with her biological Dad? If it were me I think I would chat to him about it; tell him that she has brought this up; and see what his thoughts are. Say you are sensitive to the fact that this might be difficult for him.

But - better still - just let it wash by you at this stage. I am guessing that when all the excitement and general "busyness" of a new baby descend she will just forget about it. In other words, don't big it up too much.

ScottyDog7 · 03/12/2018 12:37

I think at 8 she could be sat down and have everything explained to her. She might struggle with it be treating her more grown up and handling things truthfully will help.
You love her and her sister, but you are their stepfather, not their dad, or far or any other Dad title. They have a lovely father, their Far, who loves them very very much and will be upset it they called someone else Dad, because being a mum or dad is a very special role and only for that one person.
They are lucky because they have you in their lives, you will always love them and do what you can for them, but their new little sister will only have you (her Dad) and their mum. She won't have a real relationship with their Dad.

Be totally honest, but listen to her and confirm that her feelings are valid and real but other people have feeling that are also valid and real and the truth is the truth.
For what it's worth, if their 'Far' wasn't in the picture or totally shit I'd be all for them calling you Dad. It's just not the case.

OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny · 03/12/2018 12:43

I think that all 3 calling you Dad would be the best option - the 8 year old won't miss out, ou still get to be "Dad" to your biological child as well and the "far" doesn't have to share his "title/name".

I'm pretty sure that if you or your wife spoke to him about it and he realises that it's for his daughters best interests as she is worried about it (and that it's NOT because you're trying to usurp his role) then he might happily accept it.

DeadDoorpost · 03/12/2018 12:44

From personal experience, I'd go with whatever the girls want to call you. At the end of the day they're going to do what feels more comfortable for them and it's easier to just go with it. When I first met my step mum I wasn't keen on her. I still call her by her firat name rather than 'mum's or any other variation because my DF didn't want me to be uncomfortable.
Now though, she's more of a mum than my DM ever has been but I still call her by her name because thats how I've continued.

My SSisters however call my DF 'dad' as well as their own DF. I don't think he was too happy but at the end of the day it was what my SSis wanted to do.

tabulahrasa · 03/12/2018 12:45

“She's struggling a little that the new baby will get to call me Dad and she can't, and she'd like to too.”

She’s old enough to understand that the baby won’t be calling her dad dad either... and have it explained to her about why it would be hurtful to her dad.

minipie · 03/12/2018 12:52

Could she call you something combined like “Nickname Dad” or “Daddy Nickname”? Whether this will work ok depends on the nickname, obviously, as it may be too long or awkward in the mouth.

I also agree with this I'm pretty sure that if you or your wife spoke to him about it and he realises that it's for his daughters best interests as she is worried about it (and that it's NOT because you're trying to usurp his role) then he might happily accept it.

Fairenuff · 03/12/2018 12:54

Could they not all call you Papa or Pop or some other name for Father?

Original poster

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 03/12/2018 12:54

@Mishappening

It's strange because knowing the girl as I do it feels like a fairly normal train of thought for her! She calls my parents by the Polish words for Grandfather/Grandmother and even at 7 she was asking what they'd be called to her kids if she had any!

@MissMalice

He's not the best communicator. Me partner communicates well with him but says it's only because she had many years to train! He's not 'difficult' intentionally, just sees the world through a narrow tunnel and has trouble peering to the sides.

We respect each other, and that works, but my partner handles the communication. I'm not sure he has to be involved here because his role is safe - there is no outcome here where I become 'Far' or 'Dad' to his girls. I'm not sure how he'd cope knowing that she'd ask, to be honest.

To be honest, she's coped with everything so well that I'm sure she'll clear this hurdle too. We've been very lucky. I just worry about getting it right for her. I know this isn't really the right way to think but... she was so accepting and welcoming, so positive about me moving in and everything, that I kinda feel a little indebted to her over it. She's literally the perfect step-child. Apart from the asking about calling me dad bit.

OP posts:

PutYourShirtOnMartin · 03/12/2018 13:05

OP are you my husband? 😁

My (current 😉) husband had this conundrum. But in our case DD was older (16 at the time) and has autism - she likes to put things in her boxes and label them. Her 'real' dad hasn't seen her for 14 years. Before we got married she asked DH is she could call him Dad and like you was incredibly sensitive to the situation. He said he felt sad for my ex h ( even though ex h is a twat - another story). So she and her elder sister called him their pet name for him - Parp .

But she persisted....and persisted

When DH and I got married, we asked the celebrant to announce she could now officially call DH dad and we had a certificate made for her and her 'dad' to sign. She has it still on her wall many years on.

Sorry this doesn't help you with your problem... I just wanted to share the fact step dads can have such a positive influence on children. And you OP sound like a fab step dad.

SoapyBubbl · 03/12/2018 13:07

Any chance she could call you nickname-Dad? Depends on what the nickname is but if it was Buddy you would be "Buddy-Dad".

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 14:21

I really do think the primary consideration should be what the child wants. Telling her she can’t because it would upset her Dad sounds like emotional manipulation to me.

SoupDragon · 03/12/2018 14:23

It sounds like teaching her empathy to me. At 8 she should be able to understand that people are called different things by different people.

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