Bugger. SD asked if she could call me Dad.

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

Background: Lived with partner for 2 years. Two SDs now 4 and 8. Partner is 22 weeks pregnant with our child. Both kids very enthusiastic about new little sister coming along.

SD4 doesn't worry about it all, there's mum, there's dad, there's me and she's just a happy little thing happy to soak up whatever love is coming her way. She's got a baby obsession and our main issue won't be more than making sure she treats new sis a little more gently than she treats her dolls...

SD8 is also a happy little thing, but understandably struggling to arrange everything neatly in her mind.

She absolutely loves her dad, but we're close. We chat a lot and she confides in me.

She's struggling a little that the new baby will get to call me Dad and she can't, and she'd like to too. She's too innocent still to understand the impact this would have on her own dad. He has (in a very nice way) told my partner that it's a little painful with the new child because it feels like it'll increase the distance between him and his girls.

He isn't being unpleasant about it at all. Just honest and isn't asking for anything to change. He isn't a problem and I absolutely will not entertain taking away the title of 'dad' from him.

Just for an added little flavour, I'm an immigrant (from the UK) here in Scandinavia, and they obviously have a different word for Dad (Far.)

At the moment I have a nickname (that my family have for me) that the girls use.

I had kind of planned to be Dad to our baby so that I'm 'Far' to none of the girls, if that makes sense. But part of me thinks that then the local word, Far, will be something she associates with her sisters' dad, since that's what he's obviously referred to in our household. And it'll be confusing in a different way.

I don't want to have our baby use my nickname because I'd like to 'Dad/Far!'

I feel a bit silly for overthinking this one issue and guess we're lucky that this is the biggest problem we seem to be facing. I think there's a deeper fear of how it may effect them if I'm visibly closer to the baby - bear in mine that they live with us 12 days out of 14 and we currently do everything as a four (trust me, we give them plenty of opportunity for 'time just with mum' - they don't seem bothered.)

I felt the baby's first kick last week, and even after that it feels like a strange concept to love the little thing more than my partner's two little girls. I think I just don't them to feel that what we have is in any way diminished by the baby arriving, whilst still enforcing the correct Step-parent/child boundaries. I feel a little lost in it.

According to whom? There isn’t any universal rule on naming stepparents as far as I can see. Why should her dads needs trump her needs?

@PutYouShirtOnMartin

That's lovely, I'm glad you all found each other.

Obviously it's a different scenario when the dad is absent. If the girl's dad had been absent (through choice) for years on end I wouldn't hesitate to let them call me Dad, but putting aside my feelings it's obviously great that their Dad is present in their lives.

@MissMalice

If I felt it was actually traumatic to her in the long term I'd consider her feelings above her father's. As it stands I think we can focus on what's special about our bond and focus on that instead. She does think it's 'cool' to have a step-dad, thankfully.

Honestly I think both your own and step kids will be fine, even if only one calls you Dad. The long term love you give both will be the most important bond. There is a difference, one you are the Dad, one the step Dad, and DSD already has a Dad.

If I were you I’d tell DSD that actually it might be better not to call you Dad, as she already has one. However that doesn’t mean that she’s less loved, less cared for. That if she really, really wants to of course you won’t mind, however her own Dad may feel a little odd. But that either way it’s not a huge deal. I think she’s old enough to start to learn a little about this in an age appropriate way.

I must confess I was a child who asked to call their step dad dad when they got married when I was 4.
Unfortunately I appropriated my own father with a nickname which has stuck to this day... And referred to him as Old Daddy.
It drove him nuts. But it was all me and no matter what my mum said or my dad for that matter... my dad was always Old Daddy and my step dad was Dad.

I think you've been really sensible and I agree with other posters who said to have a chat and say that she already has a dad/far but you love her very much and she is no less important.
However... if she wants to call you dad, there may be little you or he can do to stop her if she wants to.

I am a prime example... And I'm 26 now!

According to whom?

It's pretty universal really. Are you saying that people aren't called different things by different people?

I’m saying there’s no universal rule on what to call a step parent. Some step children call their step parents mum/dad. As I said upthread, my own children call their step mum by their dad’s pet name for her. I honestly think it’s mean to discourage a child from calling a step parent what they want to call them, and to not allow it is the perfect way to set them up for resentment. If she wants to call the stepdad “Dad”, why not? If the parent can’t manage his emotions about it, he needs to process that himself. He should be pleased his daughter has such a kind, loving and welcoming stepfather.

Hmmmm. I’m normally very child orientated and am flexible on most points. But I wouldn’t expect (nor want nor feel comfortable) with my DP’s DC’s calling me mum. Nor would I allow my DC to call my DP dad. All DC use our first names. I’d stay pretty firm on that point.

To me it sounds like your DSD is looking for reassurance about her place in the family and your affections.

I think sit down and talk to her, tell her it would make her dad/far sad if she called you this but she can call you something else, & it doesn’t make her any less your family.

My DD’s asked to call DP dad when we moved in together, they asked and he was quite emotional about it. They tend to alternate between dad (mostly) to father to first name. Our toddler (dp’s DC) calls him dadeeeeee and nothing would stop her.

It sounds like you’re a lovely Stepdad and it won’t hurt your older girls to hear that they are important and just as loved even with the new addition to the family. My younger DD was really worried I’d love baby more than her, and she’s the one who’s craziest about her baby sister, totally reciprocated by her baby sister who throws herself into her arms and is always trying to get into her room!

I do think you need to acknowledge your DSD1’s feelings and reassure her.

As the older girls DF is on the scene and involved and everything is happily ticking over I wouldn’t rock the boat. I can imagine being deeply hurt if my dd’s called another woman mummy.

I think the child's needs are most important. I would go with 'the baby will call me dad and you can do that too if you'd like to'. I'm afraid the far sounds a bit self-absorbed. Sometimes things hurt as a parent. Maybe everyone panders to him a bit too much. It sounds like a lovely family set up. How lovely that you have such a good bond with your SDs.

How lovely are you!!

@heron that’s kind of funny, old dad! Although I’m sure it was difficult for him to see the funny side.

I would leave it up to SD to call you whatever she wants: she’s old enough to make up her mind. Telling her she can’t call you dad will hurt her feelings and to be honest she should be more important to you than her dad.

So the plan is for the baby to call you Dad in English, and the older girls call their father Far (in 'Scandawegin')?
Could you adapt Far somehow?

My nephew had 3 grandmothers and called my mother Gran D (first letter of our surname) which ended up being Grandy.

I think your new baby should call you Dad.

Your SD should continue to call you the nickname.

It's not fair (to their dad) or right for the SDs to call you Dad.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful man.

Those saying it's ok... would you be equally happy for your child to call stepmum Mum?

They have a dad and them calling the OP dad could affect the relationship they have with their dad (if he finds out) and it may even be subconscious.

I’ve already said more than once that my children call their stepmum by her pet name. If they had wanted to call her mum I would have hated it and I would have put up with it because I support my children’s relationship with her and what they want comes first for me. I deal my emotions about the whole thing away from my children. And, she was the OW.

I think it's important not to confuse relationships, as well as taking feelings into account all round... a child should still know what an adult would find hurtful.

If a child says or does something that is hurtful to another child, they would be told not to. They don't intend to hurt .. but it's important to realise how things they do/say affect others... including their parents.

It just needs to be explained to them properly.

Thanks for the input everyone. :)

She actually hasn't mentioned it again. Too busy raging about the injustice of having to do homework this week I think.

I can see the argument for letting her call me dad but I don't believe it will cause her any real dismay not to do so. We are very close. Most nights I sing to her before she sleeps (she loves songs in English even if she doesn't understand them. One day she'll find out that 'Got to Get a Message to You' by the Bee Gees is being sung by the character of someone on death row, and perhaps question my choices, but we'll cross that hurdle when we come to it...) and she's good at raising any issues that are bothering her then, so if it's still playing on her mind she'll mention it. If anything the baby arriving will bring us closer since I won't be much use in the initial weeks so can focus on making the girls not feel less important.

@bastardkitty mentioned that the Dad seems a little self-absorbed, and this is true in a way. He's not a narcissist but has certain traits. It's like he does care for other people but has very little head space left after sorting out all his own stuff. I don't know how better to put it. My partner still helps him with a lot of stuff to keep him in a good state, for the girl's sake. I won't inflict any unnecessary hurt on him that will impact his happiness, because that will trickle down to the girls.

Should add before anyone raises this: My partner was very upfront about how it would be, that he would be a high-maintenance ex, but that the maintenance was for her girl's sake. She gave me every opportunity to run a mile with my eyes open. It's very occasionally a bit of a pain but nothing more.

Well damn, last night the poor thing poured her heart out about a few things when I was saying goodnight. It started when she asked for confirmation that the baby would go with them when they stayed with her dad on his weekend. I told her the truth, that she wouldn't.

The tears came and she poured out a lot.

Mainly worried that we weren't a real family, that she belonged more to her dad's side, worried that she'd be less important once the baby was born, worried that I'd love the baby so much more, worried that her mum was the only reason it all stuck together.

I was as reassuring as possible but it was very sad to see her turning it all over in her head so much :(

I do wonder if because her parents split up, she sees it as something that could just happen again and then me and her wouldn't have a connection anymore.

She also said she just doesn't understand the situation - it's not in any of her children's programmes or cartoons and her class has only has one other kid with from a 'broken home.'

She said once that she wanted her dad to move back. Not for me to move out though. Me, him and her mum should just all share the 'adults' bedroom. I let her mum take that conversation...

It's not easy is it? Kudos to you that she feels comfortable enough to open up to you in that way.

IMO you don't always have to be reassuring. The most important thing is listening to her and acknowledging her thoughts/worries.

Can you reassure her that you and mum won't split up but that even if you did you will still see her as she's part of your family? Obviously you'd have to talk to mum before having that conversation but my partner still sees his stepdad regularly as an adult even though they separated when he was around 8 after 7 years.

Are you married? That kind if stability can help, obviously it’s a big decision!

Your DSD is very able to articulate grown up issues that affect her, which is very positive. You don’t need to do anything, just listen and agree it’s hard. She’s working through her emotions. Which is fine. You all sound in a pretty good place tbh.

This might sound odd.

My eldest told me after I’d had dc that she felt like DP was now more her dad as she was related with a blood link to him thro her baby sister.

Eldest was about a year older than your DSD at the time and she clearly spends a lot more time thinking these things thro then I ever do.

Maybe you could present it to her like that? The baby gives you a forever connection with your older DSD as there will be this link through baby which makes them both always a part of your family.

Poor thing it’s hard when there’s nobody else to relate her family set up with.

If your nickname is Bear for example then you should be Daddy Bear to all of them and Daddy for short for all of them.

That should sort it, as it's different from Far

@fuzzywuzzy - I did exactly that, and I think you're absolutely right that if they can see it as another element that ties me and her together it becomes a good thing :)

Thanks for the advice, to be honest based on what she said the next morning I think just listening was the most important thing. I think it was as much as seeing that I made the time and effort to listen as anything.

She does think things through a lot. She's pretty sharp and also has a good sense of empathy. When I first moved in she went to bed at 7pm, same as her little sister. Now she's a couple of years older she gets an extra hour, and we balance that with giving her some good "her and mum" time and the three of us chilling together - a lot of the conversations she starts at these times surprise her mum and I in how 'deep' they are.

Totally think she's BS'ing about still believing in Santa (well, Julemand over here) but smart enough to play along for the benefits