Stepmother - Am I being unreasonable?

[Katloulou]

I have been a step-mother to a now 11 year old girl for just over 2 years now. I don't have any children of my own, but I do love kids.

She lives a good 3 hours away from us, but my OH goes and collects her every 2-3 weeks and she stays for the weekend, and we also have her all school holidays. I get on really well with her, that's not the issue.

Im finding myself increasingly frustrated with always being second best. I do not for one minute want to interfere with the time my stepdaughter spends with us. However, the OH has just announced that on Christmas day, he will be going down to collect her around lunch time, then bringing her back. This means he'll be leaving around 10am and won't be back until around 3pm.

This means I am expected to spend that time either home alone on Christmas day, or on the long journey with him, which I really do not enjoy. We had arranged to go to my family on boxing day, so they are all going out on Christmas day, and I don't have any other family close by where I could go.

I asked him if he could collect her on Christmas eve instead, so we could all spend Christmas day together, but he won't even entertain the idea. He just keeps saying this is what he's agreed with her mother, and what works best for them. I

I've tried to say, what about me?! But just keep getting told that its not about me and children should always come first. He is just not willing to compromise.

I cant help feeling hurt about this! I have never spent Christmas on my own and, although I want wants best for his daughter, it feels like my feelings count for nothing!

Am I being unreasonable?

Where is the girl having Xmas dinner? Why not in the evening with you both.

Where is the girl having Xmas dinner? Why not in the evening with you both.

With her mother, who insists on this.

Hope she throws up in the car, not really.
This is not about her needs is it. It would be better if he collected her Boxing Day and have second Xmas with you.
They soon grow.

It’s so clear that the Ex is having this her own way, and your DP is too weak to make a stand not it isn't clear at all. My kids insisted to be in the car for over an hour on Xmas day because they wanted to see both their dad and I on Xmas day so that's what we did although it wasn't what any of the parents preferred.

We have no idea, what this kid wants. Some kids hate car journey, others love them. My kids do love them because it's probably the time they get best undistracted attention. My DD who is 18 will still go on car journey aimlessly because she just love the feeling of being driven.

I'm afraid in this instance, your opinion doesn't count. The decision has to be made between the parents, and you just have to accept that. You're not spending Christmas on your own, you've got time to have a lovely romantic breakfast together before he sets off, then you can have some time to yourself, maybe preparing a delicious lunch or just getting shit faced 😂. Either way, don't make a big deal of it, accept that this is the way it is.

I have to say I'm sceptical that any child actually wants to do a huge journey, taking a massive chunk out of Christmas Day, from a genuine desire to see both parents.

I think the most common reason for this is guilt about not being with the other parent, which sadly I've heard a lot about from friends who have separated parents. One of my closest friends used to spend his day being ferried around both sides of his split family and he said he hated it but felt he had no choice as he didn't want to let anyone down.

Perhaps next year, you should suggest your OH asks his daughter whether she'd prefer to come later, for example Christmas evening, and then have a full second Christmas on Boxing Day with you and OH etc.

@Soontobe60 - why doesn't op's opinion count?
And is the DD really happy to spend 3 hours in a car on Xmas day? Has anyone asked her, or is it more about her parent's wants? (Apologies if you've mentioned this already OP).

You can be all sceptical as you want Bibidy but it's the truth. I think adults are very good at projecting their wants on their kids and then convincing themselves that it's for the best so what kids want too. Many young kids don't teel their parents or at least insist because they don't want to cause more conflict. I'm glad my kids felt they could tell me what they wanted and however much it didn't suit me, I acted on them because ultimately, for me, Xmas is a kid day before an adult one.

By the way, I have to spend every Xmas with my MIL. She loves the day and rules the roost accordingly. If it was to me and my OH to an extent, we would off somewhere warm, but his mum would be very upset, so now Xmas is her special day and I make an effort. One day we'll have our special Xmas holiday away. It's only one day, we can make it a miserable one, a very special one, or the best that it can be under the circumstances.

I agree with you. I wouldn't be too happy about that.

What about arranging to stay over close to where she lives? I know it's short notice but you might get lucky and find something nice. Then you could be excited about a little Christmas holiday.

Or if that wasn't possible I'd probably spend the time making Christmas dinner special so when they did walk in the door it was a bit of a wow moment.

You sound like you love your step daughter so I'd use the thought of her face lighting up when she sees you and her Christmas can start. Because it's a bit crap for her too having to spend so much time in the car on a day that every child looks forward too.

@Katloulou you're not being unreasonable AT ALL

Your DP sounds scared of his ex wife.

I don't understand why he didn't explain what his ex wife wanted to do , this Christmas, and talk it through with you.

Perhaps he was scared of your reaction to his decision to agree to what his ex wife wants

I'd be interested to know if this happens every Christmas?

Because if this is a one off - well, he's a bit of a cockwomble for not explaining it to you, but let it go and work around it

If it happens every Christmas, then that's just not fair on you or your SD (travelling miles every Christmas-day doesn't sound much fun)