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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepmother - Am I being unreasonable?

110 replies

Katloulou · 15/11/2018 18:29

I have been a step-mother to a now 11 year old girl for just over 2 years now. I don't have any children of my own, but I do love kids.

She lives a good 3 hours away from us, but my OH goes and collects her every 2-3 weeks and she stays for the weekend, and we also have her all school holidays. I get on really well with her, that's not the issue.

Im finding myself increasingly frustrated with always being second best. I do not for one minute want to interfere with the time my stepdaughter spends with us. However, the OH has just announced that on Christmas day, he will be going down to collect her around lunch time, then bringing her back. This means he'll be leaving around 10am and won't be back until around 3pm.

This means I am expected to spend that time either home alone on Christmas day, or on the long journey with him, which I really do not enjoy. We had arranged to go to my family on boxing day, so they are all going out on Christmas day, and I don't have any other family close by where I could go.

I asked him if he could collect her on Christmas eve instead, so we could all spend Christmas day together, but he won't even entertain the idea. He just keeps saying this is what he's agreed with her mother, and what works best for them. I

I've tried to say, what about me?! But just keep getting told that its not about me and children should always come first. He is just not willing to compromise.

I cant help feeling hurt about this! I have never spent Christmas on my own and, although I want wants best for his daughter, it feels like my feelings count for nothing!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 15/11/2018 20:09

Could you join your family on Christmas Day and your OH and DSD join you there on Boxing Day?

Crazzzycat · 15/11/2018 20:31

I think it’s perfectly normal to want to have a say in plans that directly affect you. Just because you’re a step parent and knew what you signed up for etc etc does not mean you’ve given up your right to be treated like an adult.

It sounds like the plans for Christmas are now firmly set, so I’d try to make the best of that situation. But I also think you’d benefit from having a discussion with your OH on how to handle these kind of things in the future and may be set some ground rules about when it’s helpful to discuss things first.

Noloudnoises · 15/11/2018 20:32

I agree that it would've been nice to be included in plans or placated with an acknowledgement that it's not ideal for you but I hope you understand it's about the daughter etc from your husband to be.

One thing I will say is if you're getting married next year, perhaps children of your own might be on the cards at some point so if I were you, I would pick your battles and save up your brownie points for when you're trying to juggle two children and three parents and one day. So be stoic and understanding now so that perhaps you can use it in the future. But hard to think about now I agree.

stuffedpeppers · 15/11/2018 22:54

you are not asking your oh to give up Xmas with his child but youdo want the ex to -complete double standard.
It is not about you it is about the child.
Oh and all the holidays does not make 50% of the time.

swingofthings · 16/11/2018 05:17

It 'à al very well to talk about being included in plans etc...but how would have resolve the issue? There is little compromise here to discuss as the only decision that seem to have satisfied OP would have been for her OH to agree to have her the night before which he couldn't have done without consulting with the mum and most likely either upsetting his DD, angrying the ex, and perpetuate bad tensions so in the end, he would have had to say this wasnt feasible and OP would still have felt 2nd best.

I agree that it's not unreas9ns le to be upset, what is unreasonable is to expect your partner of less than 18 months to change an arrangement that would very much disturb the life of three people just so that OP can be happy to spend al L hours of the day with her OH.

This is a hint of the sacrifices one must make when getting into a relationship with a parent. This is the time to consider: am I prepared to make these sacrifices because my OH is worth it or will these sacrifices make me unhappy in the relationship in which case should I stay because relying on him to change to suit my needs might never happen.

safetyfreak · 16/11/2018 05:28

Compromise? The mum drives half way to the meeting point so journey half that time?

MumNeedsANap · 16/11/2018 06:04

I would be upset too, I think the biggest issue seems to be, you weren't involved in the decision. If you were, you could have made plans so you wouldn't have to be alone on Christmas Day. I don't think there is much you can do this time but talk to your partner about being involved in these arrangements in the future. You're getting married, these things are going to crop up a lot, I'm a step mum myself, and you deserve to be consulted in these decisions, it's your life too.

Madlife · 16/11/2018 06:30

Dont understand how she ppl are so short sighted... "How knew he has a daughter what you expect " really? I'm sure OP knew that she will have to compromised things for her SD. She is asking for help because she sees her SD as her family and she thinks there are more useful ways to do things. I think your idea of picking her up the day before is great
I wouldn't like any of my kids to be so long in the car any day, specially on Xmas. You have to sit down and tell your partner that you felt hurt because you could have arranged things better working together and that you are part of the family, and I am sure he and SD would like to spend more time together... That you expect to make decisions together because 2 heads work better than one, and you could have spend more time together as he doesn't get to see her much. Deep breath and try to be together against the problem. No ones fault just lack of organization. Good luck

ohreallyohreallyoh · 16/11/2018 06:37

you could have made plans so you wouldn't have to be alone on Christmas Day
I know some families arrange things months in advance, but there are still 6 weeks to Xmas so if the OP wants to do something else, there is still time to arrange it, surely?

She is asking for help because she sees her SD as her family

Whilst forgetting her step daughter is also part of another family. Her opening post basically says, sod mum who does the bulk of the caring and difficult day to day stuff, I think my partner should bring the child here so she can have Xmas with us.

cushioncuddle · 16/11/2018 06:45

I can understand you feeling a bit upset about the plans not being run by you.
I can see you want her with you and enjoy her company.
This is about feeling valued. It doesn't take much for that to happen.
Just talking plans through with you. Apologise and recognise that you feel sad being on your own Christmas Day.
Options could have been looked at.
If there was no other way you could have planned to go up Xmas eve. Stay in a hotel , have lunch there and pick her up after and then bring her home.
Everyone has feelings. You agree it's about SD first but that doesn't mean no one else is allowed to have emotions or deserve consideration.
Just an acknowledgement would have been kind and that's not too much to ask.

EdithWeston · 16/11/2018 06:45

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

Having (rather than alternating) Christmas is a perfectly normal arrangement. So whether he had Eve plus half Day, or half Day plus Boxing Day, he's going to be picking up on Christmas Day.

Remember both parents want to see DC at Christmas, and she wants to see them both too. This is the child-centric arrangement, and you are unreasonable to expect a child to forego a shared Christmas.

If you want a short per journey time, then look in to moving closer to her. Yes, seriously. It'll be much easier for him to be in her life. You get the shorter journey absences you want. Everyone wins.

If you prefer to have her Eve, rather than Boxing Day, make sure DH knows this well in advance.

Now book yourself on whatever your fairly are doing on the day, and go and enjoy yourself. If that's nit possible, then there's still time to arrange to volunteer which would be a brilliant use of your time.

Madlife · 16/11/2018 06:48

*you knew

GreenMeerkat · 16/11/2018 06:49

Can you not go out with your family Christmas Day while he is out and then spend all of biding day together?

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 16/11/2018 06:55

I'd go with him to collect her - take some Christmas snacks, Christmas tunes and the feel good factor that you're seeing your step daughter 👍🏻

I get your point but still suspect you're being unreasonable.

Charley50 · 16/11/2018 07:01

My DS alternated Xmas day with me and my ex. That's fair I think.
Maybe by the time she's 14 she can get the train to yours so he won't have a long journey?
Have a nice Xmas morning and pretend to be Nigella serenely making the best lunch ever, while getting gently pissed.

Charley50 · 16/11/2018 07:02

Or go with DP to keep him company.

swingofthings · 16/11/2018 07:02

Compromise? The mum drives half way to the meeting point so journey half that time?

I'm sure OP'OH is intelligent enough to have considered it himself and if it is not an option it is because its not a reasonable compromise, maybe because mum doesn't drive or because its him whose moved so far away, possibly even to be with OP, or mum has other children to consider or whatever else.

As for saying that the solution is for her to come the night before, again, I'm sure he managed to consider this without prompting and again it was deemed not an option for whatever reason.

The issue here is that HE is happy with the arrangement as is the ex and daughter. Is the solution to disrupt what suits three people for the sake of one person who has been part of the dynamics for only a short time?

swingofthings · 16/11/2018 07:04

And why are you considering spending 5 hours on your own spending Xmas alone? You'll get a couple of hours when you wake up with your OH only, and 5 hours all together as a family, that's a pretty good Xmas going.

pugalugs90 · 16/11/2018 07:11

I think until you have children and god forbid are in a broken home you won't understand. Your partner sounds like he'd walk over hot coals for his daughter. That dedication to see her despite it being a busy day is really nice. Can you not let him go and then when he gets back you have made a lovely Christmas meal for them? Maybe you could spend the day having a nice chilled day dancing in the kitchen while you cook? I often have to make the long journey to see my partners children also 3 hour each way and I feel your pain. The thought of the journey is soul destroying but when I get there and see those little faces I think omg I'm so glad we did this

StUmbrageinSkelt · 16/11/2018 07:14

Or the three adults who are in this blended family could talk instead of the ex and the partner making decisions.

I was usually happy to go along with what was decided but the few times I saw red was when I was told what was happening as if I didn't matter. It's weird how becoming a stepparent makes you invisible in your own marriage according to some people.

AdoreTheBeach · 16/11/2018 07:16

I do not think that you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do. I’d be hurt too to be alone all day on Xmas, not being told until mid-November that is was too late to join your own family for a meal out during all those hours you’ll be alone.

However, in order for your DH to see his DC, he had to do this.

Is there no compromise of perhaps you both going to the area on Xmas eve do you collect his DC earlier that day? If nit, that you both can have a lively brunch (or lunch) before collecting his DC and the long drive back to yours?

I would suggest you and he discuss your plans much further in advance for next year to avoid your being alone and being able to see your family (or even friends) during the day.

For those who say Xmas is for children. Does that mean when your children are adults you stop doing Xmas? No tree? No decorations? No special family traditions? I don’t think so. OP can rightly feel left out as not being consulted on the plans so she could make her own plans. And suggestions other options for future is good to open discussion for other arrangements that may help satisfy everyone involved. After all, can’t be fun for her DH to do all that driving on one day.

swingofthings · 16/11/2018 08:45

Or the three adults who are in this blended family could talk instead of the ex and the partner making decisions
Talk about what though? As said, whatever OP would suggest, her OH would most likely have considered so the outcome would be the same and OP would still be upset that her views were not considered. It's still would have come to an arrangement that seems to suit three parties being disturbed to suit one whichever way you go about it.

At least OP has 6 weeks to consider what to do about it rather than being told a few days before.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 16/11/2018 08:47

Or the three adults who are in this blended family could talk instead of the ex and the partner making decisions

Mum is not part of the blended family though, is she? Why should she have to agree plans with her ex's new partner?

It's weird how becoming a stepparent makes you invisible in your own marriage according to some people

Personally I find it weird that as an ex, I become invisible when it comes to my ex and his new partner. In my experience, and certainly according to this board, two against one wins every time. OP is certainly saying what she wants is what matters - that the child should be picked up to spend Xmas with her and her partner. Mum is invisible in that, isn't she?

Lonecatwithkitten · 16/11/2018 08:57

It is incredibly tricky for your OH he is probably trying to please everyone his Ex and DD would like to spend time together on Christmas Day, his DD would like to spend time with him on Christmas Day and you don't want him to travel on Christmas Day. He is going to upset someone what ever he does.
He has chosen to let his DD see both her parents on Christmas because she is a child. I suspect he hoped that you would be an adult and understand he is in an impossible situation.

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/11/2018 09:08

Actually op I get it. Not that they should change plans obviously! But a quick I was thinking xyz and is that okay with you type discussion. It's lip service really tbh but it's nice to be considered, obviously you wouldn't have said no but it makes you feel part of the unit to be involved in a decision.
My dp does this about extra days, I won't say no, but being asked/consulted shows respect - we have kids 50:50.