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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepmother - Am I being unreasonable?

110 replies

Katloulou · 15/11/2018 18:29

I have been a step-mother to a now 11 year old girl for just over 2 years now. I don't have any children of my own, but I do love kids.

She lives a good 3 hours away from us, but my OH goes and collects her every 2-3 weeks and she stays for the weekend, and we also have her all school holidays. I get on really well with her, that's not the issue.

Im finding myself increasingly frustrated with always being second best. I do not for one minute want to interfere with the time my stepdaughter spends with us. However, the OH has just announced that on Christmas day, he will be going down to collect her around lunch time, then bringing her back. This means he'll be leaving around 10am and won't be back until around 3pm.

This means I am expected to spend that time either home alone on Christmas day, or on the long journey with him, which I really do not enjoy. We had arranged to go to my family on boxing day, so they are all going out on Christmas day, and I don't have any other family close by where I could go.

I asked him if he could collect her on Christmas eve instead, so we could all spend Christmas day together, but he won't even entertain the idea. He just keeps saying this is what he's agreed with her mother, and what works best for them. I

I've tried to say, what about me?! But just keep getting told that its not about me and children should always come first. He is just not willing to compromise.

I cant help feeling hurt about this! I have never spent Christmas on my own and, although I want wants best for his daughter, it feels like my feelings count for nothing!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
RantyRantRantRant · 15/11/2018 18:36

I can't abide this "first best" "second best" carry on but I do think he should have discussed plans with you first before agreeing to anything.

Put your feet up, watch some Christmas movies and eat cake, you'll be fine until 3pm and have boxing day to look forward to.

WhiteCat1704 · 15/11/2018 18:38

Well you will be told here you are totally unreasonable, selfish and a bad human being for not putting the step child first.

Personally I think your feelings are valid and you are not unreasonable. It's crap that the arrangements were made to suit the ex and the daughter but he didn't discuss it with you.

Josiebloggs · 15/11/2018 18:39

YABU, his child will, quite rightly, always be his number one priority. Its lovely SD wants to and is able to spend time with both parents on Christmas day.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 15/11/2018 18:39

YABU, his daughter will always come first.

StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 18:42

Having been in the position your husband has been in - I would suck it up this time if the arrangements have been made and enjoy your morning. Talk to him about you and he having alternate christmasses with his daughter meaning he picks her up before the 'big day' and brings her to your house (if his daughter wants that to happen too) and her staying with her mum the next. It's the toughest of situations and my advice would be not to make him choose who is 'favourite' is...you're likely to loose that one. I would be proud that he is a dad who is willing to go out of his way to maintain his relationship with his daughter when it would be easier not to.

ZenNudist · 15/11/2018 18:43

But you knew he had a dd before you got together. What did you think was going to happen? He'd suddenly prefer you to his own child? Wouldnt he be awful if he did?
Plans for Christmas sound fine and about standard.

TwistedStitch · 15/11/2018 18:44

She lives hours away and he spends a couple of days with her every 2 or 3 weeks. That means that the vast majority of the time you will be coming first, having more of his attention etc. I don't think it's too much to ask actually that as an adult you compromise and support his Xmas arrangements. Maybe the girl's mother also wants to see her on Xmas day and doesn't want to hand her over on Xmas Eve just to satisfy you.

RagingWhoreBag · 15/11/2018 18:48

TBH it’s a pain in the arse but on Christmas Day of all days, it IS all about the kids. Which house they wake up in and which parent has them for how many hours can be a big bone of contention so if he and his ex have a plan, you need to stick to it.

If she comes to you Xmas eve she doesn’t see her mum until late on Xmas day or Boxing Day, whenever you take her home. This way she’s both parents reasonably early on in the day. Her mum will be spending half the day without her, which is really hard as a parent.

Think yourself lucky - my last few Xmas days have been spent with my kids, my ex, my dP, his kids and their mum, plus her family Grin. So things could be worse, you could be spending the day with his ex! Try and enjoy the peace, set yourself up with a Christmas movie and a box of chocolates and look forward to spending the evening together with his DD. Maybe you two can have some couple time on one of the other days, but this one day is only really important to kids.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 15/11/2018 18:49

But how else could it happen, given that her mum will probably went Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with her DD if he's getting Christmas Day with her? It's not him putting you at the bottom of the priority list, it's just the way the arrangements need to be given the distance. I usually defend SP's because I am one and know how crap it can be at times, but I think you are being a bit of a princess.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 15/11/2018 18:51

Maybe the girl's mother also wants to see her on Xmas day and doesn't want to hand her over on Xmas Eve just to satisfy you.

This is the key I'm afraid OP. Although just as likely that your SD wants to spend Xmas Day with her mum too.

Hell will freeze over before I give up Xmas Day with my son. At least until he's old enough to tell me to do one!

Loopytiles · 15/11/2018 18:52

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Loads of things you could do with that time on Christmas day.

She doesn’t stay with you that much of the time, so you have him to yourself most of the time!

EmmaGeddon · 15/11/2018 18:57

You are being unreasonable. You must realise that. You are going to be alone for a few hours on Christmas day - so what? Your stepdaughter comes first, always has, always will. Accept it.

Original poster
Katloulou · 15/11/2018 18:58

I am not suggesting they don't see each other. I love spending time with her and was looking forward to her being here with us for Christmas. That s not the issue.

What Im saying is, I feel disappointed that I wasn't consulted about it, and the plans were made more to suit SD's mother.

I myself grew up with step-parents and we used to alternate, one year at mothers, one year at fathers. I suggested he collect her on Christmas eve, so in fact we spend MORE time with her, and next year boxing day so she can spend the time with her mother. However this won't be considered.

So many people saying, what did you expect when you knew he had a daughter..I was DELIGHTED when he told me! I love children and I get on with her just fine! However, surely, as an adult in a relationship, I should be allowed to have a say when plans are arranged.

OP posts:
SpottingTheZebras · 15/11/2018 19:00

I asked him if he could collect her on Christmas eve instead, so we could all spend Christmas day together, but he won't even entertain the idea. He just keeps saying this is what he's agreed with her mother, and what works best for them.

I've tried to say, what about me?! But just keep getting told that its not about me and children should always come first. He is just not willing to compromise.

Unfortunately for you, I agree that your stepdaughter will want to spend Christmas Day with both of her parents. I imagine her mother also very much wants to spend Christmas Day with her so the thought of being alone all day to suit you is probably not something she is going to be willing to agree to.

Can you make Boxing Day is your family Christmas Day instead and try not to focus on the fact that your husband is driving to pick up his daughter?

Original poster
Katloulou · 15/11/2018 19:01

"Hell will freeze over before I give up Xmas Day with my son. At least until he's old enough to tell me to do one!"

At no point in my post have I suggested he give up Xmas day with her!!

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 15/11/2018 19:03

Tbh her mother does the vast majority of care. I think deferring to what works best for her at Xmas is the right thing to do in these circumstances.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 15/11/2018 19:04

At no point in my post have I suggested he give up Xmas day with her!!

No, but you suggested her mother did!

SpottingTheZebras · 15/11/2018 19:06

Tbh her mother does the vast majority of care. I think deferring to what works best for her at Xmas is the right thing to do in these circumstances.

I agree with this.

SunshineStarlet · 15/11/2018 19:24

You know what I’m working on Christmas Day. So we are moving Christmas Day to Boxing day.

Why don’t you do the same? It’s just one day. Think of Boxing Day as your Christmas and enjoy the peace and quiet on the Tuesday :-)

I do understand the frustration at not being included in the planning, but I think you’ll just have to accept that’s the way it’s got to be.

ILoveAutum · 15/11/2018 19:30

Seeing your partners child once every three weeks for two years really doesn’t make you her step mother.

You’ve been together two years? How serious is your relationship?

If it’s serious (living together, making serious future plans etc) then yes, he should discuss things like this with you. As you would any plans.

However, that doesn’t mean he has to agree with you. What suited your parents isn’t for everyone. You’re saying he’s putting his ex first. Is he? Or is he prioritising seeing his DD over pleasing you? I would on Christmas Day 🤷🏻‍♀️ If HE thought your plan was a good one, he could have suggested it to DD’s Mum and let HER have this year, him next year, but I’m betting HE wants to see his DD this year and WHY should her Mum not, simply to please you?!

You could drive up together on CE and stay in a nice hotel near DD.

Or tag along with some of your family wherever they’re going on CD.

Or just enjoy a part of the day on your own, doing something nice. I really do fail to see the issue with that.

🤷🏻‍♀️

However I’d have an issue with having NO discussion about OUR plans and if he continued to just do as he pleased without discussion I’d be out of there pdq.

Original poster
Katloulou · 15/11/2018 19:45

We are getting married in May so pretty serious.

And we don't just have her every third weekend. She spends the entire school holidays here, all of them. It works out at almost half the year. On top of that we take her on around 3 holidays per year.

I have thought of loads of ways to make her feel part of our lives such as making her a chief bridesmaid at the wedding, asking her to do a reading, she has helped me with planning dresses and all sorts. I also speak to her on FaceTime pretty much daily.

She calls me her step-mother so I am happy calling myself that. I have no issue with her being part of our lives as some people are suggesting.

My point was to do with being totally excluded from all plans, when I have gone out of my way to try and make her part of my life. It leaves you wondering where your place is in the relationship.

My issue is with my OH, not my SD.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 15/11/2018 19:55

Your oh is going to be travelling forc5h on Xmas day but feel sorry for yourself?

Your relation ship is young and it sounds like it's your first Xmas together so understand that you'd idolised it as your special day with him but many people don't get to enjoy that full day together. Would you feel as upset if he had to work instead?

You're disappointed but you can turn it around. Use that time to prepare things to have a great time the three together and then enjoy a rest before they arrive. Make phone calls to your family, wrap presents, the time will go very quickly.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 15/11/2018 20:03

You suggesting that SD comes on Christmas Eve is about you, not her. Have you not considered that SD probably wants to spend time with her Mum and with her dad over Christmas, and not have that time with her Mum taken away from her just because it suits you better? You say that you love SD but you sound really selfish.

anonkneemouse · 15/11/2018 20:04

Go with him. If it was your daughter you were collecting from your ex you'd want to go!

SilverDoe · 15/11/2018 20:08

You’re not being unreasonable OP to be upset. You’re entitled to your feelings - and there is no such thing as “first and second best” when it comes to loving a partner and loving a child. It’s like saying you must love one child more than another - there’s absolutely no point or gain in trying to quantify that. On the other hand, feeling second best is real and you shouldn’t have to cope with that. It would have been easy for your partner to have a discussion with you, treat you to a special Xmas eve or Boxing Day etc etc, without changing his plans at all and keeping DD as a priority.

Being in a relationship with a man with children can be difficult but despite what people on here might say, you can and should be able to both prioritise the child and your emotions by fair compromise, communication and openness. Like, it’s clear the main issue here is that you felt Unconsulted an not a priority, the issue is not that you don’t want your SD there. So he needs to work with you to resolve those issues.