Stepmother - Am I being unreasonable?

[Katloulou]

I have been a step-mother to a now 11 year old girl for just over 2 years now. I don't have any children of my own, but I do love kids.

She lives a good 3 hours away from us, but my OH goes and collects her every 2-3 weeks and she stays for the weekend, and we also have her all school holidays. I get on really well with her, that's not the issue.

Im finding myself increasingly frustrated with always being second best. I do not for one minute want to interfere with the time my stepdaughter spends with us. However, the OH has just announced that on Christmas day, he will be going down to collect her around lunch time, then bringing her back. This means he'll be leaving around 10am and won't be back until around 3pm.

This means I am expected to spend that time either home alone on Christmas day, or on the long journey with him, which I really do not enjoy. We had arranged to go to my family on boxing day, so they are all going out on Christmas day, and I don't have any other family close by where I could go.

I asked him if he could collect her on Christmas eve instead, so we could all spend Christmas day together, but he won't even entertain the idea. He just keeps saying this is what he's agreed with her mother, and what works best for them. I

I've tried to say, what about me?! But just keep getting told that its not about me and children should always come first. He is just not willing to compromise.

I cant help feeling hurt about this! I have never spent Christmas on my own and, although I want wants best for his daughter, it feels like my feelings count for nothing!

Am I being unreasonable?

Sounds like the mum in question isn’t a resident mum, but this is shared parenting. It’s absolutely unacceptable that she gets all of the fun holidays with DD while OP and DH only get her during the summer

So OP's OH should have said 'sorry darling that I'll be leaving you home alone for 5 hours although you are welcome to come with me, I promise to make it up by having a very special Xmas eve just the two of us'

I suppose that would show consideration of the impact of him being a dad on OP whilst still doing what he has to do as a dad. I can see this to mean a lot but then again maybe he did but OP didn't mention it because she is still upset that he wouldn't do things differently.

I don't think there's a problem with OPs DP recognising and appreciating that this situation isn't ideal for her.

You may call that selfish but aren't we all sometimes? It isn't always ideal being a step parent and often we are in positions that we would never normally choose to put ourselves in because the children come first and rightly so. But this is exactly why people end up feeling invisible because you are told you aren't allowed to experience very real and sometimes irrational human emotions which we can't always control. I very often know I'm being unreasonable in the way I'm thinking or how I'm feeling but I still feel it none the less.

Yes I would be a bit pee'd if my Christmas was being broken up in this way, of course, I wouldn't expect or want my DP to change his plans or not see his daughter and I'd suck it up, be an adult and make the most out of it but I'd still feel it and my OH would appreciate that.

I think suggesting the girls mother sacrifice Christmas alongside the daughter giving up seeing both parents on Christmas would be wrong and I can see why the parties involved won't agree to this but still OPs feelings are very valid IMO.

swingofthings yes... Why would it be a problem for OPs husband to have said that?

'Sorry OP, I know it's not the best way for you to spend Christmas and I appreciate you understanding even though it's a bit rubbish for you but we'll have a lovely Christmas evening when DD is home'

What's the problem in saying that?

I suppose that would show consideration of the impact of him being a dad on OP whilst still doing what he has to do as a dad. I can see this to mean a lot but then again maybe he did but OP didn't mention it because she is still upset that he wouldn't do things differently

Maybe and if that's the case then OP is being unreasonable however, we can of course only go off what OP has told us.

Just get in the car with dp and put Christmas music on and make it a Christmas trip. Roads will be virtually clear. Child splitting Christmas Day between Mum and Dad is normal. Did your dp move away?

I think it’s unfair your DH is doing all the driving all the time to get his DD when she spends half the year with him (ie every holiday etc)

Assuming he has his child every school holiday, that’s a total of 13 weeks. There are 52 weeks in a year

That sound rubbish OP. Christmas Day and you are supposed to sit at home alone all day? To suit some mad arrangement where the girl gets picked up?

And even though you only have her every 2nd or 3rd weekend you have her every day of the holidays?

This arrangement is bonkers. It’s not good for the girl either. This sounds like it suits the Mum and she’s insisting on having her for Christmas lunch. And not allowing DD to be there for Christmas Eve.

Also, who looks after her all holidays? Is she supposed to amuse herself all holidays away from her school friends?

I’d think this was a deal breaker. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who couldn’t balance things better.

And just a guideline of what is more reasonable,

Half of holidays. And also done to suit the child, she might want holidays clubs at certain times or some down time with friends.

Alternate Christmases where she spends the whole day and night before and after with that parent.

More frequent contact during school terms. EOW if possible, it might also be your DP keeping up with the school, Skype calls, taking an interest in her school work, her friends, being available to chat.

What bannana s says, we do half school week ,eow and three weeks school holidays. The older they get the more they have their own lives

Can understand the thought of being on your own is not pleasant- i would go with to collect and take nice food/music etc for journey or as suggested a nice night in a hotel nearby on Christmas eve.
The separate issue of you not being consulted is tricky as i would be annoyed too but ultimately his first priority is to see his daughter in a way that meets her needs and that will largely be agreed through consultation with her mother- as it should be. Things always evolve and once you are married and his DD gets older it will keep changing so i would try and find balance with how much consultation happens and just go with it.

Both confirm reduction in hours is a reasonable adjustment.that an employer should consider. If said reduction in hours would enable the employee to remain in employment.*

I want being cynical, I did mean that I could see how it could have things better for OP if he had, but OP first message seemed to be more about her being left alone for 5 hours and upset that he wouldn't consider having her all day than the fact that he didn't expressed the impact of the situation on OP, so was just saying that OP might still have been posting the same message that she felt 2nd best if he had. I could of course be wrong though and caring words might have been enough to help OP accept the situation.

She won't be a child forever, things will change.
I feel sorry for DSCs being rushed from house to house at Xmas. I would say one day at one place then one day at the other is the best. They miss half the day travelling, more presents doesn't make up for that. So this 'the DCs come first' is really the DSP comes first as the parents want to see their child on Xmas day.

I would love that time to myself. Have a bath, watch a film, potter round doing some cooking.

I second what @Bananasinpyjamas11 says in her last post. I've a feeling she may have read the situation correctly & is spot on in her summation of things.

OP, my DH and his ex have an incredibly precise plan each Christmas involving LOTS of to-ing and fro-ing so that their kid gets to see both parents over christmas. No child wants it (would rather both parents in one house) and you have to make the best of the situation. Have a glass of wine, our music on and eat choccies while getting food prep done. Things may change when/if you two have a child and his child from previous relationship may want less travelling in years to come but try to embrace making Christmas lovely for them while you can.

HRTFT

Of course you are.

You are a step parent.

I am in a similar position and it is rubbish - no ones saying that any of the kids should miss out or arrangements should necessarily be changed but the fact of the matter is to spend 3 hours on your own on the middle of xmas day to a lot of people (me included) is highly undesirable! It happened to me last year when my DP went to see his girls for a couple of hours although I did fill my time with visiting friends.

This year we worked it out early to try and avoid this so my DP has his kids xmas eve this year as I have my 2. My 2 will go to their dads (locally) at about midday, I had wrongly assumed DP would arrange (as per our discussions) to drop his two home (about a 2 hour round trip) at about the same time so we could drop mine off, and then go together to drop his 2 off as I ended up spending 3 hours on my own last xmas day but nope, he has agreed to take them home earlier so I am still faced with the prospect of sitting on my own for a while. Its not really a big deal, but like you say its just a bit annoying and its perfectly understandable to feel a bit irritated by it.

Sometimes you just want to come on here and have a bit of a moan (well I do anyway) and have people in similar situations just agree and sympathise but sadly this isn't really the case!

FWIW Personally, I would tag along on the drive, not ideal but you could always take a travel mug of wine

Well, as someone who doesn't particularly like Christmas day, it sounds good to me. You get several hours to yourself, TV on, and pottering in the kitchen. You could have a little stroll, take the dog out? Then dinner and presents when they get back. Perfect.

So you would never ask you dp to not see his dd on Xmas but you are more than happy for his ex (who deals with all the mundane crap of school etc) you are more than happy for her to not see her dd on Xmas day

No. I have suggested the one year, she spends the full Christmas with her mother and DP collects her on Boxing day, and the following year, he could collect her on Christmas eve.

But as a few people have quite rightly pointed out, this agreement is particularly in his ex's favour. And she will not budge.

DP left there when DSD was young, and since then the arrangement has been him doing ALL the driving, 3 hours each way. His ex refuses to even meet him half way, which would be a huge help!. She requested that he have DSD all school holidays (which I think is strange as she spends NO quality time with her, especially given the fact that she works late and DSD goes to her grandmothers every evening after school). The ex has her own plans and does her own thing on Christmas night/Boxing day, when DSD is with us. She won't see her again until January, at her request.

My DP has always gone along with what the ex wants, in my opinion because he still feels guilt about leaving. I admire the fact he is devoted to spending time with his DD, but all I'm asking is to make the arrangements better to suit everyone! When I was younger, we used to alternate Christmas between mothers and fathers, which meant proper, quality time with each. He has not even asked his DD if she would rather do this, as he is certain the ex won't agree.

I have managed to arrange to go out with my family on Christmas day, but my DP won't get to have a Christmas lunch due to driving (which will actually be 10am until 4pm, not 3pm which I originally wrote).

I just feel that there has got to be a better solution for everyone!

I went to France with my dad for Christmas last year and left DH at home with his DD (my DSD). He didn't mind one jot. I had a great time 😁

This Christmas he is going for dinner at his exes house as they live in a different city, and he's coming back mid afternoon to spend Christmas with me and our DS (he's 4 weeks old and not a scooby what is going on).

I'll have 5/6 hours to myself. I intend to watch Christmas TV, maybe invite a family member over, go for a walk and just chill.

Christmas Day is ALL about kids. Boxing Day is for grown ups (yes this is just my opinion but it makes life easier and much more fun to take this stance!)

Surely the main issue here is that OP partner is a pushover and allows his DD mum call the shot?? If my ex was weak like that, I push him around too for an easy life!

Imagine not driving halfway to meet your ex but she got away with it for years!

Me and my ex alternative Christmas and on boxing Day we meet HALFWAY to swap DD over.

Honestly that be a deal breaker being with a pushover dad, it's going to get worse when you have a baby together.

I think you are projecting how it worked for you as a child and expecting them to do the same.

Bottom line is that he's made arrangements that suit his dd first and as a step parents have to live with that. I get that it's tough. The good times as a step parent outweigh the shitty bits of which this is one

Suck it up for this year, but plan early for next year. This arrangement won't suit DSd for long, she is growing up and will vote with her feet.
If you have her all holidays, how come she is not already with you Xmas and does your dp not work, who looks after her?

Spending hours in a car? That’s not for DDs benefit! Poor girl.

It’s so clear that the Ex is having this her own way, and your DP is too weak to make a stand. Sorry about this but if he doesn’t start getting a grip now it’ll not change.