Stepmother - Am I being unreasonable?

[Katloulou]

I have been a step-mother to a now 11 year old girl for just over 2 years now. I don't have any children of my own, but I do love kids.

She lives a good 3 hours away from us, but my OH goes and collects her every 2-3 weeks and she stays for the weekend, and we also have her all school holidays. I get on really well with her, that's not the issue.

Im finding myself increasingly frustrated with always being second best. I do not for one minute want to interfere with the time my stepdaughter spends with us. However, the OH has just announced that on Christmas day, he will be going down to collect her around lunch time, then bringing her back. This means he'll be leaving around 10am and won't be back until around 3pm.

This means I am expected to spend that time either home alone on Christmas day, or on the long journey with him, which I really do not enjoy. We had arranged to go to my family on boxing day, so they are all going out on Christmas day, and I don't have any other family close by where I could go.

I asked him if he could collect her on Christmas eve instead, so we could all spend Christmas day together, but he won't even entertain the idea. He just keeps saying this is what he's agreed with her mother, and what works best for them. I

I've tried to say, what about me?! But just keep getting told that its not about me and children should always come first. He is just not willing to compromise.

I cant help feeling hurt about this! I have never spent Christmas on my own and, although I want wants best for his daughter, it feels like my feelings count for nothing!

Am I being unreasonable?

I get it too. Its the feeling of the total lack of control, like when you enter a relationship with a parent you also become a child yourself and get continuously told what to do. I really appreciate when my DP at least pretends like I have a choice and gives me reasons for / against and I think this would have gone a long way in this situation too.

Sounds to me like the OP has been told 'this is happening' and hasn't even had the 'that wont work because..' conversation. She's just expected to suck it up.

But Sprangly we get posts everyday on mn from women complaining about lip service. Would OP have been happier if her OH had told her of his intention, she told him it upset her and could he instead pick his girl on Xmas eve, and he said no sorry it won't happen?

Sadly the end result would have been very similar.

Also I expect he would say that they did have that conversation yesterday since indeed OP made a suggestion of picking her up the evening before but he said it wouldn't work yet OP is still upset because she'll be alone for 5 hours.

It's hard to be with a parent with commitments but then I had to spend a whole Xmas and boxing day alone when I dated a medical school students and he was put on these shift at last minute. I was living abroad so couldn't be with family. Of course I was upset but respected that indeed, at this point in his life, I came 2nd to his career.

YANBU. In most families there will have been a discussion between the adults about what was happening at Christmas. Whether that’s who’s family they’re visiting or how many guests they are hosting for. Your DP should have had this discussion with you weeks ago.

However I can see that this is probably the preferred option for your DSD and that should also be given consideration. But if that had been communicated sooner then you could have made plans with your family.
A previous poster suggested staying Christmas Eve in a hotel nearer to DSD. Is that an option for you?

Hi @Katloulou - I also don't think you're being unreasonable. As you have clearly stated the issue isn't your dsd or time spent with your dsd but rather that you weren't included in a decision that directly affects you.
I don't think there's much you can do for this year but I do think you need to have a serious chat with your dp especially as you are getting married next year. You need to establish a method of making future decisions re your dsd that don't have you playing second fiddle to the routines established by the 'first family' which is what has essentially happened in this case. I'd be pretty upset with my dp in the same situation if he hadn't bothered to check in with me re Christmas Day.
Of course the day is about his dsd but that doesn't mean you should be told to like it or lump it.

But you knew he had a dd before you got together. What did you think was going to happen?

Totally agree with Magda72

The OP is part of the family. Any decision that is made where it will have an effect on someone else, that 'someone else' should be consulted. The OP is right to be upset.

I completely understand why you're upset that you weren't consulted - you're part of the family and it should've been discussed with you.

OTOH, as it's already arranged, I think you should just enjoy those 5 hours of no obligations on Christmas Day! Personally I'd love 5 hours of peace and quiet to chill by the fire, read a book, watch TV, eat/drink whatever I like without anyone needing my attention. I seldom have days like that.

Going forward, I'd raise the issue of Christmas early with your DH (as he will be next year ) to ensure you're part of the discussion going forward.

Sigh. Yet again I can't believe most of these comments. Just because someone has a stepchild does not mean they don't deserve even a basic amount of consideration from their partner!

Of course you are not being unreasonable not to want to spend almost the whole of Christmas Day on your own.

If your OH was planning on doing this, he should have told you far sooner so that you could have arranged to go out with your family on Christmas Day instead of sitting all alone.

I would be incredibly angry if my OH did this to me and I don't blame you for being upset. You are his partner and deserve to be considered as well.

It's hard to be with a parent with commitments but then I had to spend a whole Xmas and boxing day alone when I dated a medical school students and he was put on these shift at last minute. I was living abroad so couldn't be with family. Of course I was upset but respected that indeed, at this point in his life, I came 2nd to his career.

But that's a completely different scenario because your partner didn't choose to do that, his work commitments forced that upon you both.

In this case, OP's OH has unilaterally made a decision that has left her alone and without any plans on Christmas Day? That's incredibly thoughtless and selfish.

As I said above, if he wants to make that arrangement then fine, but he should have given OP notice so that she could have arranged to be elsewhere with her own family for the day.

Sometimes ppl are reluctant to challenge an agreement for good simply because they are afraid of confrontation/negotiation, probably due to previous bad experience, lack of confidence or nothing!

I asked DP to ask his ex regarding some potential arrangement around this year's XMAS and next year's holiday. At first he refused to do it because "she would never agree". We had quite a few arguments around this and my opinion is "it never hurts to ask". So in the end, I used his phone to text her (with his permission), explained our proposal, possible alternatives and left the option to her. You know what, she agreed without blinking an eye and we agreed it's a better arrangement for both sides!

So you would never ask you dp to not see his dd on Xmas but you are more than happy for his ex (who deals with all the mundane crap of school etc) you are more than happy for her to not see her dd on Xmas day.

And if they start alternating Xmas you ARE asking dp to not see dd every Xmas.

I think-while it's a hassle driving- it's nice that for dd/dsd She can see both her parents on a special day.

Yep I second the they won't agree - but often do. It's unfair on the ex tbh as they get labeled as unreasonable but actually haven't been given the chance to be reasonable!!
This Christmas is done but make plans to suit you both for next year - even if that means the two of you being apart as you could spend it with family or friends

Go out with your family on Christmas Day

Children come first step or not. He will be alone while driving to collect her. You are being unreasonable

I totally get that your unhappiness is because your partner didn't talk to you. Everyone's feelings should be taken into account. You don't feel like yours are. You need a frank discussion about how this will work especially when you have your own DC's. I'm sorry you are getting a hard time here.

Thank you to everyone who understands where I'm coming from! I grew up as a step-child myself, on both sides, and am well aware of the difficulties it can bring. I've gone out of my way to make a positive relationship with my SD, and of course I agree that children should come first.

But I am still also a person, in a relationship, with feelings. It seems like a lot of people here think its taboo to mention having any feelings of your own as a step-parent!

That is all

Could your partner leave early- say 8 and then he would get home for 1pm - you could then have xmas dinner when they arrive? The mum would have the morning still with daughter, you could sleep in then be busy cooking (with wine) and partner could please everyone???? The op is asking for opinions and she is being jumped on a bit - she likes sdd - she was just disappointed I think and wanted to get views - some posters have been a little harsh

YANBU

Who is dropping her off back to her mother’s and when?

He had agreed this with the child’s mother but he is the one picking her up and leaving YOU alone on Christmas Day

It’s not about who comes first and second. He should be making time for both of you

And suggesting she comes on Christmas Eve, he sees her for longer. It’s not as if you are asking for him to see her less

On the other hand you could just go with him if you don’t want to be alone

Ultimately he should have discussed it with you as it as much your Christmas as his and his child’s and his exes

Sorry but surely they are both doing what is best for the child. Getting so see both parents on Xmas day.
10-3 alone on Xmas day. Bliss. A few drinks/films/bath.

Personally I don't think it's necessarily best for the child to be in two places and a car for 3 hours on Xmas Day. That happened with DS once and it was quite unsettling for him; got his presents, hanging out in his jim jams etc, then suddenly his dad appeared and he got whisked off to a different family Xmas.

Much better to properly alternate, especially if you live far apart, and even more so if you have a child with your DP.

I don't think you're selfish.

Would your DP consider a different solution this year? If not, I would try and alternate from next year.

"10-3 alone on Xmas day. Bliss. A few drinks/films/bath." Or cook the entire Xmas dinner yourself.

Katloulou if you re-read the posts not one person has said that you were wrong to be upset. You being upset in totally understandable. What people have commented on is you being unrasonable to expect him to pick up his DD on Xmas eve just so that you wouldn't be upset for 5 hours. Your wishes are disproportionate to how the situation affects everyone.

Besides this suggestion which is unreasonable, what could you partner done that would make things better. Someone mentioned giving notice but he has done that as its more than a month sooner. Would you genuinely have been less upset if he had discussed it with you before confirming with mum but ultimately come up with the same decision.

Would you have and could you still consider other alternatives that would upset you less, like driving with him or as its also been suggested, staying there overnight? I personally always value companionship during trips because no one is distracted. OH and have had some of the best discussions when we've been travelling in the car together.

Hmm, I do see where you're coming from OP. Not in the sense that I think your DP should re arrange his plans when they clearly do work best for & have been agreed by the parents and your SD however, it's about recognition I think.

Recognising that you're his wife to be, you're about to make a very big commitment to spend your lives with one another and whilst you may not be the child's mother, you should definitely be informed of the decisions your DP makes and why because you do matter.

I understand the feeling of invisibility when being a step parent. It's really hard to accept sometimes but I think having a partner who includes you (in so much as to discuss plans with you and recognise that they may negatively affect you in some way) really makes the world of difference.

My DP regularly has to make plans with his ex for x y or z and whilst I may not have a direct say in those plans, he always tells me about them as they are being arranged and asks me for suggestions if he's unsure because we are a team at the end of the day.

There's been times where his plans for his DC have left me in a situation like yours but he always makes the effort to appreciate this and will make me feel important in some other way i.e. bringing flowers back with him or just saying 'I get it and I'm sorry you're in this position' etc... It really helps because I know that to him I'm not invisible and he recognises my feelings but this is what he has to do as a father (which I love about him).

People will tell you the old 'you knew he had kids when you got together' which is true, but I tell you, I had no idea what being a step parent would be like until I was in the thick of it. It's bloody hard work and it's emotional a lot of the time. I have a whole load of feelings I've never experienced before and yes some of them I haven't always been proud of. I've felt jealous, I've felt angry and fed up and sometimes I've just wanted to be plain selfish etc. I've often found myself in the past thinking 'I wish I was the one with the child so you knew how it feels'. We're human beings and it's okay to feel sometimes so long as it does not affect your SD.

So whilst I don't think your DP should change the plans he's made for his daughter, I don't at all think you're unreasonable for feeling a bit left out. I've been there myself and your DP absolutely can and should make an effort in some other way to ensure you don't feel this way without compromising his relationship with his DD.

Yes and not only did you know he had kids but he knew you didn’t. He knew you weren’t his child’s parent. A lot of emphasis is placed on step parents choosing their situation but the parents chose theirs. They had children and they chose to be with someone who isn’t their parent and they have to understand that your priorities differ from theirs, just as theirs may differ from yours.

I mean, ultimately, we should have joint priorities in that what is important to the other should be important to us but that works both ways

I think it’s unfair your DH is doing all the driving all the time to get his DD when she spends half the year with him (ie every holiday etc). Suggest he talk this out with the mum and tell her that he should get one christmas a every other year & she needs to start doing her share of the drop offs.