They don't like me and my kids

[Notsolarry]

So, I've been with my partner for 8 years now. He's 20 years older than me and as such has grown up children and grand children. When my partner and I got together I had two small children who he has helped me raise as they don't see their father.

All was fine until one of his sons (he has 3) met his current partner. For whatever reason they do no like me, and have now started to take this resentment out on my children. My son was in hospital recently for a major operation, and whilst I didn't expect a visit from them, a text to ask if they were ok wouldn't have gone a miss. I even posted an update on Facebook due to the huge amount of texts I was getting, and again no comment or well wishes. Thought it might be a one off. But this weekend was my daughters birthday. Invited them and their child to her party, they declined. No card, no text and no "likes" or comments on Facebook.

I have mentioned their lack of interest to them previously, and the step-daughter in law told me it was unfair that my partner spent more time with my children as opposed to his grandchild, as my children aren't blood related. So there's certainly a bit of resentment.

It's starting to boil my piss, and I'm up against it with my partner who doesn't want to cause any rumblings. We only get asked to have their child when they want to go out drinking, and when we ask to go and see her for a visit, they're always busy. We invite them here, and they're busy. It's clear they don't want anything to do with me or my children, but that puts my partner in a tricky spot with both of us. What would you do?

Bite your tongue and do your best to ignore it. Don't take it personally, and don't let it get to you.

If your partner doesn't want to rock the boat, let it be. If there is anything to be said, or questions to be asked (i.e. WTF is going on and what's her problem) it has to come from your partner. If it comes from you it will only add fuel to the fire/deepen any resentment.

Carry on as you have been. Keep the invite's coming, make sure his son knows the door is always open. If they want to utilize your baby sitting services, welcome them with open arms. Don't allow this woman to drive a wedge between your partner, his son and his grand child.

Well at least it sounds like you know the reason. I think there was a similar post recently. I suspect your SS is hurt that indeed after devoting much love and attention to your children which he was fine with is now showing much less interest in his grand-children. Does he get it touch when something special happens in their lives?

My advice would be for your OH to take a genuine look at how much interest he shows his grand children. To be fair, he might already be quite taken by your children and good on him to step up but he can't take away the fact that his children might be hurt that their children don't get half the attention.

The problem is, it is driving a wedge. The amount of rows we've had about it recently is countless. I'm very protective over my children, and I don't like that they're being shunned. My 10yo noticed that they hadn't sent her a card or popped to see her, and she was hurt, so that hurt me.

I do appreciate my partners position completely, but he tries so hard with them when it really shouldn't be a case of trying. He has two other sons, both of whom have children, and we don't have these issues. We do lots of things together as a family. He takes his other grandchildren out for the day (sometimes without me and the kids), he buys for them when it's not special occasions, and we're often at each other's houses. Invites and offers always extend to his other son, but the daughter in law always makes up an excuse.

So there's two problems really, but the lack of contact they allow with my partners grandchild doesn't seem to upset him that much. He just admits he cannot force them to join in. But equally we both don't like the shuns my children appear to be getting. I mean, how hard is it to wish someone happy birthday?!

Happy families cannot be forced. In the grand scheme of things not buying birthday cards is no big deal. I really don’t think this is worth the energy you are giving it. I would say leave your partner to continue to try to keep lines of communication open with his son and his son’s family and try to care less.

It's not just the birthday. One of my kids has just had a major operation, had we not operated, they would have died. No text, no call, no visit, no questions. Don't you think that's a little odd? They are the only children in the family being singled out, I've seen the daughter in law making an effort with all the other children, but not mine. They are also due to get married early next year, and my children aren't invited, meaning I can't go due to no childcare.

No I agree. It’s sad to have no contact from close family at a such a difficult time.

It sounds like a sucky situation for you OP.

The sister in law moans that he sees your kids more but is then always too busy? It sounds like a situation of her own making, especially if the other family members are all getting on fine.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change to situation as she doesn’t sound like she’ll be open to discussion so I think you’ll have to try and find a way to accept that she’s shit and that it’s no reflection on you.

Maybe try turning things around in your mind i.e:

Not invited to the wedding
means
Yay, we don’t have to go to the wedding of someone awful where we’ll be ignored/treated like second class citizens.

She doesn’t want to be part of your family? Fine, because she doesn’t deserve to be.

I can understand wanting your partner to say/do something but I don’t actually think it would make any difference other than to add fuel to the fire and probably make it worse. I think he’s a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place, probably worried she’ll reduce contact with the grandkids even more if he says anything?

I think I’d leave the meeting up to your partner now, steer well clear and leave them to it if you can?

They haven’t grown up with you’re dc so utilmately they don’t view you and dc as family but his df partner who happens to have dc.From his POV he’s DF is more committed to being involved in his new ready made family rather than his grandchildren and can’t understand he’s raising someone else’s kids instead of enjoying being a grandfather. He’s very much entitled to his opinions of course even if they aren’t right not everyone has to be accepting of the relationship. I don’t mean to be rude but are you considerable younger than you’re dp and closer in age to his dc?

You can’t force people to have a connection to you’re dc and it sounds like maybe expections here are to high. In regards to the wedding just arrange something nice with you’re dc.

There is a large age gap between us, so I'm 7 years older than his eldest son. It's the youngest son and partner who seem to have the problem.

It's not a case of my partner not wanting to spend time with his grandchildren, because he does. She just makes it very difficult to do so. Even him having his grandchild alone still doesn't seem to work.

I've began to accept that they do not want to have anything to do with me all my children, although I do not understand why. I'm not preventing my partner from being involved. Like I said earlier, we are constantly trying but it's just not happening. But now there are deliberate shuns of my children, and it's that which is making me frustrated and disappointed. My children are children themselves, and get hurt, when none of this is their fault. My eldest in particular has started to notice, and question their ignorance.

I haven't asked my partner to say anything, but he has noticed it's upsetting me so I know he's in a hard situation. I think he was hoping it would resolve itself over time.

Your partner should be firmly on your side and not allow you or your children to be excluded. He should say something to his son.

Being a grandfather doesn't mean he is not allowed to have his own life and be a stepdad and if his son and daughter in law don't understand it I would reduce contact and babysitting services.

Also if your children are the only ones not invited I would expect your partner to take a stand agaibst it. It's bullying behaviour.

From his POV he’s DF is more committed to being involved in his new ready made family rather than his grandchildren and can’t understand he’s raising someone else’s kids instead of enjoying being a grandfather.

It’s a very odd POV for him to have when his dad is constantly trying to be involved but being rebuffed and told they’re too busy!

“I think you should see me more than the kids you have raised and still live with.”

“Ok, are you free this weekend?”

“No, I’m busy.”

“In the week?”

“Busy.”

“Next week?”

“Nope.”

“Ok, do you want to let me know when you’re free?”

“My Dad never wants to seeeeee meeeeeeee. It’s so unfaaaaaaaaaire.”

I think I’d try to be glad I didn’t have to see them very often with their bizarre attitudes.

For your kids can you say something like “some people aren’t very good at keeping in touch with people, but that’s because they aren’t good at it and it’s not anything to do with you.” Then talk about all the other family members who make an effort? That’s what my mum did about my lame-o relatives and it stopped me wondering if I’d done something.

@HeckyPeck what you have put us actually very similar to something which happened recently. I saw a fab discount for a local animal part on a well known discount site. The dates ranged from the following weekend, to six weeks in advance. Guess who was the only ones not available on all dates? So next weekend myself, my partner, children, his other two sons and grandchildren will all be off to the animal park. They're not coming. I really do give in!

In terms of my partner speaking to his son, I've left it down to him. We have fallen out recently to the point of discussing separating as I refused my children to be ignored in such a way. But he's raised my children so I'll be damned if we're going to be separated by someone else's ignorance. It just makes things hard.

I have now said (in an argument) that I'll keep my children and their children separate, that my partner needs to see his grandchild on his own, without taking my children with him. In hindsight that's a shame as my kids enjoy spending time with his grandchild. But no way am I babysitting. If they cant come visit our home, they're not leaving their child here just when it suits. That's me putting my foot down, rightly or wrongly. I feel more wrong but I'm at my wits end!

Well they were invited and declined so that’s their tough luck. Am I wrong to suspect they’ll whinge about being “left out”?

I think that’s definitely fair enough to not want to babysit. I certainly wouldn’t do favours for or even spend time with someone who is so rude to me.

I hope you can sort things with your partner as I agree I wouldn’t want to let split you up. Hopefully if you put your boundaries in place and he respects them that will go a long way to helping avoid arguing about them?

I’m not saying his POV is right but given what the DIL said it would suggest what they think. It sounds like they disapprove of the age thing tbh I wouldn’t be happy if my dad was dating someone only 7 years older than my brother although I would be civil about it. Best thing to do is let them get on with don’t even meantion them to you’re dc out of sight out of mind.

I do get the age difference thing, it did initially cause problems but were 8 years down the line now. And I was on the scene 3 years before the daughter in law...

Are the other grandchildren invited to the wedding? If not then it's understandable that your children are not invited. However, if the other grandchildren are invited I would be fuming and I really think your partner should consider if he should go as well!

@HeckyPeck oh they will, and they will deliberately not "like" any pictures on Facebook. I know it's such a fickle thing, but it winds me up.

In terms of babysitting, my partner has agreed that he will babysit at their house. I know that won't work for them as they're the kind of people who like to go away for nights, so need their child to sleep somewhere overnight. If he babysits there, he would want them to be home for a certain time so he can come home afterwards. So, I presume this will drop off too.

I guess I vented on here to find out whether I should speak to her about it or not. It's causing friction between my partner and I, but I doubt very much that would bother them in any way. If I speak to the DIL, we're likely to fall out and make things even more difficult for my partner. So for now, perhaps it's just easier for things not be said...even though it winds me up.

@AimingToMisbehave she has invited children from her side of the family, but not from her partners - so my partners side. Their view on it is that her side of the family has lots of small children who need to be with their family. On my partners (and mine), all the children are of a school age and can be looked after by others. The wedding is taking place on a Tuesday, in term time. So certainly mine will be at school. But the venue is 60 miles from the school, so getting them after school will be difficult. And for the evening do we don't have anyone to have them, I've never managed to find anyone to have them overnight.

I've even offered to pay for my kids to attend, given the situation whereby I have no one for them,but they want their child to be the eldest there.

Do have they excluded their nieces and nephews? What are the opinions of his siblings?

@Snappedandfarted2018 both brothers are going, partners have taken the same stance as me and said they won't be going as they've no childcare. I'm tempted to volunteer and have all the kids, as I won't have anyone for mine so I may as well have the others so that the two other partners can go.

I expect this is a perfect example of different perceptions. You say you oh has tried hard to be a grand father but she is the one making it difficult for him. She probably will say that your oh missed on times when he should have been present but wasn't too focused on your children.

It's easier to remember the times when one was there rather than the times they weren't.

For instance you'll remember that it's her fault if you couldn't go to the wedding because she made it difficult with the children. She'll remember that you chose not to go because you didn't want to and the kids was an excuse because if you'd really wanted to, you'd have found someone to look after them.

Ultimately she is upset and your oh's son agrees. There's nothing you can do about it. They're hurt by your actions or lack of, you and your oh are hurt for the same reasons.

I'm tempted to volunteer and have all the kids, as I won't have anyone for mine so I may as well have the others so that the two other partners can go.

That’s very kind of you OP.

Obviously there are two side to every story, but in this instance, we really have tried. There haven't been any occasions where my partner couldn't be somewhere because of my kids. And she knows my situation regarding the kids and childcare - I have none. I work full time and during the holidays they go to holiday clubs - she knows as she once asked me how much it cost and was shocked by the answer. At no point then did she offer to help out. She knows my partner often goes on nights outs alone as I have no babysitter, and I wouldn't resent my partner missing out due to the kids. So the idea of getting childcare for the wedding is out of the question.

I’m going to give a different perspective.

My dad has a new partner, my mum is dead.

She is 3 years older than me.

He is constantly shoehorning her in. Wanting me to be her best friend. Talking to me about her children.

I’m just not interested. She’s his partner, not my friend, if I see her I’ll ask in passing about her kids, but I’m honestly not bothered.

If I get married again (unlikely) I wouldn’t ask her kids because I just don’t know them and I’m just not interested.

I’m sorry you’re hurt by what is going on though

@ftfoawygtfosm I'm sorry about your mum 😥, and I understand your perspective. I don't force myself on her, and my partner doesn't discuss me or my children in front of her now because I've asked him not to. For me, this hasn't happened all the time, it's been a recent thing. Initially all was fine, it's only since their child came along that there has been a problem.

Perhaps in time you will feel differently about your dads partners children. They may eventually become his step children, who knows. But things like that takes time. I've been around longer than the DIL and was very much looking forward to the birth of their child, but after that things certainly changed. Before then, my children were welcome everywhere, now they don't even get acknowledged.