They don't like me and my kids

[Notsolarry]

So, I've been with my partner for 8 years now. He's 20 years older than me and as such has grown up children and grand children. When my partner and I got together I had two small children who he has helped me raise as they don't see their father.

All was fine until one of his sons (he has 3) met his current partner. For whatever reason they do no like me, and have now started to take this resentment out on my children. My son was in hospital recently for a major operation, and whilst I didn't expect a visit from them, a text to ask if they were ok wouldn't have gone a miss. I even posted an update on Facebook due to the huge amount of texts I was getting, and again no comment or well wishes. Thought it might be a one off. But this weekend was my daughters birthday. Invited them and their child to her party, they declined. No card, no text and no "likes" or comments on Facebook.

I have mentioned their lack of interest to them previously, and the step-daughter in law told me it was unfair that my partner spent more time with my children as opposed to his grandchild, as my children aren't blood related. So there's certainly a bit of resentment.

It's starting to boil my piss, and I'm up against it with my partner who doesn't want to cause any rumblings. We only get asked to have their child when they want to go out drinking, and when we ask to go and see her for a visit, they're always busy. We invite them here, and they're busy. It's clear they don't want anything to do with me or my children, but that puts my partner in a tricky spot with both of us. What would you do?

Have you considered why you are more upset about it than his your partner? He should be the one taking it personally but he seems more upset at the fact that you are yourself upset than at his DIL behaviour.

In the end everyone will have a different view as to what defines a family. For you, it's obviously not genetically linked and therefore you consider your entire partner's family yours including those joining by marriage.

Others, and it sounds like your SS's wife, family is mainly defined by blood and so consider her children more of your OH's family than your children. Your SS is probably somewhere in the middle.

She thinks that you expect too much family attention for your kids, you consider that she is shunting you out. In the end it doesn't matter, your children are very lucky to have your OH, who seem to be a great dad, as a father. That's what matters

It doesnt matter if you are blood related or not. You dont ignore half of a couple, and you have to be more than cold hearted to ignore a child.

Why is it ok for a adult child to start a family, and not the parent? (if single!) When children are adults, the relationship between parent and child would be more equal. If the child wants her husband or children to get attencion, why doesnt it go both ways?

My husbands grown child wants my husband to shower her child and husband with attencion, but at the same time, she ignores me and my children. I dont get it. She still act like a child.

Sorry if I hurt anyones feelings, but i just dont get it. I am not particular fond of my BIL, or his children, but I would never let it show and I would never treat his children different from my sisters.

It comes down to whether you feel a duty to give attention to someone who don't particularly like or dislike very much.

Family is what you make it. I've remained extremely close to my ex's parents because we grew very close as individual people so they are to me much more than my kids' grand parents, they are my family too. However, if I didn't care for them as a person or worse strongly dislike them, I would have nothing to do with them and expect my kids to see/bond with them through their father. They would be my kids grand parents but certainly not my family.

Sadly affinity has a lot to do with who you invite in your circle. When you don't like someone for whatever reason, there isn't much you can do even if you don't understand why they don't like you.

Just to add she may be your friend on Facebook but could have unfollowed you, so your posts won't show up.
Yep to the backing off and treating it all as water off a ducks back.

Yeah...I've unfollowed a couple of people on FB. One used too much foul language and another posts far too much... and a lot of nonsense.

Others, and it sounds like your SS's wife, family is mainly defined by blood and so consider her children more of your OH's family than your children. Your SS is probably somewhere in the middle.

This is just utter rubbish. It is ONLY the step parenting boards and Only towards SMs have I seen so many references to blood family over... well what exactly?!

The DIL is not related in blood to the grandfather of her kid, the OPs DH or indeed SS (husband)! (Well that would be weird obviously.) Does she ignore her husband? No. No blood relation. Her husbands father? No. No blood relation. Her MIL? Yes! Her Mil and FILs kids? Yes.

This ‘oh it’s okay to exclude and ignore SMs and even children’ (Christ!) because of such a weird and pathetic blood excuse is bonkers. And doesn’t even make logically sense. Can posters please stop bringing it up?!

This ‘oh it’s okay to exclude and ignore SMs and even children’ (Christ!) because of such a weird and pathetic blood excuse is bonkers

It’s bizarre, especially considering SMs would be ripped to shreds for ignoring their step kids!

I know @heckypeck it makes me quite angry now. It’s the same as saying oh well you have to lump it not everyone will like you.

After many years of being a SM and reading others experiences, the old ‘blood relation’ or ‘they just don’t like you put up and shut up’ is enabling bullying and frankly abusive behavior in step families.

My own son has been excluded in this way by some of his step siblings. Should I tell him just to put up with it?! No. I’ll make a clear firm stand to say that I won’t put up with it for his sake.

Banana I totally agree with you. To me, blood means little too but it does to many people who will consider that blood relative, I. E in this case the grand-children should come before step-children or at least equally.

However I do agree with the not liking someone. Life is stressful enough around people you care, personally I avoid people I don't like who bring nothing positive in my life. Thankfully I'm lucky there a very few such people in my close family but if there were, I'd avoid them. What's the point in pretending and causing conflict?

Would OP truly feel happier if her SIL asked how her son's the surgery went when she had no reason to assume it didn't go fine as she wod otherwise have heard and therefore really doesn't care to hear from OP that it went well?

There’s a particularly insidious ‘blood only’ excuse though which seems to be applied to step relatives purely as a means of exclusion. It can sometimes happen with the MIL to her sons wife too, and it is extremely damaging and divisive. I think it’s emotionally abusive and is very provocative to the people and kids being excluded.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with liking or disliking, or personality clashes. It’s about control.

That's where I disagree. My experience is that the 'blood' excuse is used when the person dislike the other person. When there is affinity, it doesn't usually matter so much.

And even though I don't agree with the 'blood' thicker than all personally, I respect that others do. Different religion, different values, everyone is free to decide who they care for and who they don't. My ethos is: you don't like or want me around you, that's fine, I much prefer they stay away that play the 'let's pretend we like each other'. I hate hypocrisy and have more respect for someone telling me they don't like me than someone who tells me they do in my face when they don't and say so to everyone else.

No you don’t get to just decide who to bully and exclude.

That’s just not okay.

It’s totally different from not especially getting on with someone. You can not get along like mates, however still acknowledge that person. Especially if they are connected to a person, and especially if they love them.

Just because you are married to their father, there are no rules which say they must spend time with you. They may just dislike you for a variety of reasons and so would rather not spend time with you. You have made the effort, they’re not interested, so don’t waste anymore negative energy on the situation.you are nothing to them other than you are married to their father. They should still be able to have a relationship with their father without feeling they have to have a forced relationship with you. They don’t sound like they are being actively awful to you, but just treating you with indifference.

It’s the DIL... ! and yes of course everyone should spend some time with in laws... what if the OP had said I don’t like my step sons wife and therefore I totally exclude her and her kids?

Would we all have posted that’s fine?

I mentioned the "blood" theory to my partner, and he was horrified that this may be the reason behind everything. He doesn't think that would be any justification behind her clear exclusion and disregard for me, as she's no more blood relation to him as I am to her.

As a couple, we've decided we're just going to leave things and not rock the boat. My partner supports my view that he should now see his grandchild alone, although he doesn't agree necessarily as he feels both the grandchild and my children will miss out on their relationship.

Interestingly, my partners mum mentioned how rude and obstructive the daughter in law has started to be with her. Although in her 70s, my partners mother still works and has therefore had to decline on several occasions when they have asked her to look after the child - her great grand child. She mentioned that several times recently she has asked to pop up, and they had said they weren't in. I didn't mention anything about how they've been with me/us, but I did find it interesting!

Imagine if a stepmom said - well the kid isnt mine so i really cant be bothered.
People only talk about blood relative as an excuse for excluding others.