They don't like me and my kids

[Notsolarry]

So, I've been with my partner for 8 years now. He's 20 years older than me and as such has grown up children and grand children. When my partner and I got together I had two small children who he has helped me raise as they don't see their father.

All was fine until one of his sons (he has 3) met his current partner. For whatever reason they do no like me, and have now started to take this resentment out on my children. My son was in hospital recently for a major operation, and whilst I didn't expect a visit from them, a text to ask if they were ok wouldn't have gone a miss. I even posted an update on Facebook due to the huge amount of texts I was getting, and again no comment or well wishes. Thought it might be a one off. But this weekend was my daughters birthday. Invited them and their child to her party, they declined. No card, no text and no "likes" or comments on Facebook.

I have mentioned their lack of interest to them previously, and the step-daughter in law told me it was unfair that my partner spent more time with my children as opposed to his grandchild, as my children aren't blood related. So there's certainly a bit of resentment.

It's starting to boil my piss, and I'm up against it with my partner who doesn't want to cause any rumblings. We only get asked to have their child when they want to go out drinking, and when we ask to go and see her for a visit, they're always busy. We invite them here, and they're busy. It's clear they don't want anything to do with me or my children, but that puts my partner in a tricky spot with both of us. What would you do?

He can have her kids wherever he likes, genuinely that’s up to them. I just don’t particularly want anything to do with them. Not from anything nasty, I just can’t be bothered. I have my own family, my life is busy, I have my own friends. I ask after her kids, and I would be pleasant if they’re at the house when I’m there but that is it. She’s not a stepmom to me and me and her kids aren’t being brought up in the same house. I barely know them.

I’m sorry you’re upset though and I’m upset that I probably seem uncaring to my dads partner when to me it’s just indifference.

And a,so. She’s everywhere. I don’t get to have a relationship with my dad anymore. Just them as a couple. And I don’t want that.

Tbh op it sounds as if she is separating him from he majority of his family not just his df. The lack of invite to his nieces and nephews yet her side of the families children take priority she sounds venomous much like my Sil my db dw.

If they cant come visit our home, they're not leaving their child here just when it suits. That's me putting my foot down, rightly or wrongly. I feel more wrong but I'm at my wits end!
I think you are right to do this and stick up for your children. The DSD in law is driving a wedge between you and ostracizing your kids ‘because they are yours’. Your DP is obviously very bonded with them, and this behaviour us is divisive and nasty.

I’ve ended up in kind of similar, my DP takes our son but but not his SS (my oldest) to see DSDs who refuse to come round. I let it happen, thinking I must not be barrier to their relationship- but in doing this I’ve made my older son be excluded, and let my younger be given special treatment bevause he is a blood relation. And let them totally exclude me. This is rubbish! I’ve started to refuse to let younger son go to DSDs with DP, even though we are separating. I don’t care of people are annoyed. They are welcome to visit and see both ‘brothers’ and me too.

Stick up for your kids!

Try not to let it cause arguments though with your DP. Be careful not to put down your SS and his wife. Just stick to your boundaries and be super polite open and reasonable about it. Then they’ll find it more difficult to be divisive.

Tbh op it sounds as if she is separating him from he majority of his family not just his df. The lack of invite to his nieces and nephews yet her side of the families children take priority she sounds venomous much like my Sil my db dw.

Yep. It sucks when that happens and it’s not that uncommon sadly.

It’s good that all the other family are welcoming though so I’d try to focus on that to feel less annoyed by it

I don't think you seem uncaring. At least you're being honest. I'm just in limbo, not knowing what went wrong on what changed.

It's a shame you can no longer have time with your dad alone. My partner and this particular son have just come back from a weekend away. All of the sons and their dad spend time together, even if it's just a few hours down the local. It's only an issue when it comes to us all spending time together, or when I want my children acknowledging. It just doesn't happen.

But why do they have to acknowledge your children? They aren’t their dads kids. I can’t see that I would ever send a card to my dads partners kids. I just don’t see the relarionship that way. It’s not a snub, it just I don’t see it that way.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 it's sad, but I'm glad it's not just me 😞.

I've taken a line similar to yours now, although I've said it during an argument and haven't actually had to do it yet. My partner will have to see his grandchild alone, and not take my children along like he always has done previously. I know this will make my youngest miss out in particular as she adores his grandchild, but I don't see why I should mix mine with the DIL when she won't acknowledge their existence. My partner takes mine along so that their child has someone to play with when they go out for the day, but why should they associate with the grandchild when the mother won't associate with them?!

@ftfoawgtfosm of course they have to acknowledge the OPs kids! Because not doing this is bullying, excluding shameful behaviour. They are not strangers. How can anyone enable and justify ignoring children?!

And in the same vein can anyone then not acknowledge anyone who is not a blood relation?! Like for example, should OP have always ignored her step son, and his wife? Same logic here.

But why do they have to acknowledge your children?

When there are a group of kids that are all in the same family (so OPs kids plus her partner’s grandkids) and they spend time together it’s really nasty to deliberately ignore one set.

It is rubbish having to do this, however I’ve tried tolerating, biting my tongue, and now realize I’m putting my younger son in a situation where he thinks it’s normal for his mother and brother to be ignored, excluded and bad mouthed too.

Your kids may get along with the grandchild, but you are exposing them to a damaging relationship as it stands. Kids do pick up more than we think.

I don’t see why they have to, but that’s me. Her kids are younger than mine. I’ve never bought a card or a present for them, except a token at Christmas. I’ve never sent a birthday card to them. I couldn’t tell you what operations they have or haven’t.

I’ve no interest in her Facebook. Mine is locked down and she is not on it.

How is it bullying? Is it not bullying to insist on them and her being included all the time and deny me a separate relationship with my dad?

I’ve never bad mouthed her kids. And I’ve never excluded them. They have turned up, in the past, to an event they were not invited to (specifically, not my event, not me issuing the invites) and I paid for them.

@ftfoawygtfosm because I and the children have been part of their dads lives for 8 years. They have had a relationship with my children, been fine with my children, up until their own child being born. So my children know them, they know that they are part of our family, so why now cut them out? One of my kids was seriously ill and my partner had to take time off work to support me, yet they never asked how things was. Isn't that a bit rude?

They now make it incredibly difficult for my partner to see his grandchild, often making excuse after excuse not to accept our offers of seeing them. They only want us to see their child when they're going away for the night.

As I've said, I'm very protective of my children so if someone is deliberately being rude and ignorant I want to know why. But as I don't want to cause any trouble, I'm stuck and it's causing difficulties between me and my partner. Surely it's just good manners to be civil?!

I would have asked my dad how your child was. I wouldn’t have texted you (I don’t have that kind of relarionship with her) and I wouldn’t have liked anything on Facebook

I’m only trying to give a different perspective.

Maybe he got fed up. Maybe he feels pushed out. Maybe he’s a bastard. Maybe he just doesn’t want to do it anymore.

Whatever his reason, I’m sorry it’s upset you.

ftfoawygtfosm

Your situation is very different to the OPs. The person used to have a relationship with the kids but has cut them off. That’s the nasty part.

@ftfoawy it’s a totally issue from having a separate relationship with your Dad. You probably need that, and if I were you I’d ask for this, encourage it, set up things just you and him can do. It’s totally different from having to be in Facebook to your SM. You don’t have to be anyone’s best mate. However, treat it like if you married again. You’d expect a Christmas card to both of you wouldn’t you? Just simple acknowledgements. Maybe not every birthday, but if your husband was in hospital you’d expect your Dad to at least mention it. I think that’s the minimum level - it conveys that even if your Dad and husband aren’t best buddies, he’s respecting that you’ve chosen this man and that he exists.

Apologies more word fails! ... it’s a totally separate issue

Could there over inheritance?
You're 20 years younger and brought extra kids he now sees as his own... that's a chunk of money gone and a 20 year delay on collecting...

Well, my dad isn’t remarried and neither am I and I don’t do Christmas cards and don’t really give a stuff so I might notice it before I put the card in the bin but to be honest it wouldn’t annoy me.

I only have people I want to have on my Facebook. I don’t want her on my Facebook so she’s not there. Because I have not many people on my Facebook and they are all really close friends or family. And I’m keeping it that way.

I already said, if her child was in hospital I’d ask how they were.

Oh good point TheWise they do seem like the kind of people that would get humpy over inheritance!

Just picking up on something you said OP.

You said things have changed since they have had a baby

You said that when your DP goes to see his grandchild he takes your child/children

Could that be their problem? Everytime he sees his grandchild he always has "your" children with him?

Not saying that's right nor wrong, just noticed is all.

Makes total sense @thewise

@TheWiseWomansFear no inheritance, quite the opposite! My partner split from his wife 2 years before we got together, she was still living in the marital home though and when we got together he applied to divorce. Fast forward 6 weeks and the house is completely gutted, not even a kitchen in it, and she's gone without a trace. Solicitors have been unable to locate her, and there are joint debts of over 60k and a house which sold for far less than the market value due to its condition. So, my partner is actually in massive debt and is in a debt management programme. I'm very senior in the nhs and work full time, he also has a well paid job and works hard to wipe as much of the debt off as possible, so we keep our finances separate and have done since the beginning.

Do they know about that though? Maybe the DIL thinks there's hidden cash or something?
I just know that pain in a family often comes from things feeling unfair.... has your husband sat down and spoken to his son without you there?