They don't like me and my kids

[Notsolarry]

So, I've been with my partner for 8 years now. He's 20 years older than me and as such has grown up children and grand children. When my partner and I got together I had two small children who he has helped me raise as they don't see their father.

All was fine until one of his sons (he has 3) met his current partner. For whatever reason they do no like me, and have now started to take this resentment out on my children. My son was in hospital recently for a major operation, and whilst I didn't expect a visit from them, a text to ask if they were ok wouldn't have gone a miss. I even posted an update on Facebook due to the huge amount of texts I was getting, and again no comment or well wishes. Thought it might be a one off. But this weekend was my daughters birthday. Invited them and their child to her party, they declined. No card, no text and no "likes" or comments on Facebook.

I have mentioned their lack of interest to them previously, and the step-daughter in law told me it was unfair that my partner spent more time with my children as opposed to his grandchild, as my children aren't blood related. So there's certainly a bit of resentment.

It's starting to boil my piss, and I'm up against it with my partner who doesn't want to cause any rumblings. We only get asked to have their child when they want to go out drinking, and when we ask to go and see her for a visit, they're always busy. We invite them here, and they're busy. It's clear they don't want anything to do with me or my children, but that puts my partner in a tricky spot with both of us. What would you do?

@Alaria4 it's not always, but he does tend to take my youngest a lot as his grandchild asks for them when he doesn't. So sometimes he's set off without them, and has to come back for my youngest because his grandchild wants to see them. There are many occasions when he has called to see them without my kids, but yes recently he takes my youngest.

He sounds like a pretty good grandparent tbh. Regular babysitting, arranging family days out etc. What else are they wanting from him? How can they expect him to be more involved with his grandkids than children who he is living with and raising as basically a parent?

I would be upset too in your situation, especially ignoring your child's health issues.

And sorry, my prior message should have said 'could there be an issue over inheritance' ... some words were cut out for some reason

My kids are older and my dad asked the other week why he never sees them anymore.

He never sees them anymore because her younger kids are there all the time and my kids can’t be bothered with them. They want to see their grandpa and have a relationship with him, not her kids.

So the upshot is my kids dont see their grandpa

@TheWiseWomansFear yes they know. They've seen him in tears and broken when the solicitor told him they were unable to locate the ex. His son has seen his dad frustrated when he's been unable to buy a car on finance, even though he's in a good job. Father and son get on fine, and spend time alone together quite regularly. When the DIL is present though he tells me it's frosty and uncomfortable, so it's not just me who feels it.

Are you doing a lot of the organising rather than your DP, OP? Maybe they think he doesn't care and you're just organising for your kids and see them as an afterthought?

I think DP needs to invite them himself specifically even if you've organised it

Being the grandparent isn't the issue really. He's a bloody good grandad considering he works 55 hours a week and still manages time for both us and them. It's how they won't acknowledge me or my children which is the problem. Like I said, it doesn't hurt just to ask about them. Fine, don't send cards on birthdays, but at least put a happy birthday on Facebook when you've obviously seen it. Ask about a gravely ill child (who is perfectly happy and healthy now btw). Don't make excuses not to visit or join in with activities. They're isolating themselves but will gladly accept babysitting duties, loans when they're skint, school uniform when they can't afford new etc etc.

@TheWiseWomansFear I always used to, but this weekend for example we were having a family gathering. I didn't want them to come given the recent incident of them not asking about my very ill child. I felt if they came I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue and I'd spoil things. So my partner rang them. They were visiting her sisters cousins cat or some other ridiculous excuse and they would be available for "12 hours" - quote from the text. Who even says they're not free for 12 hours?!

OP, perhaps that could be an issue.

Jealous that your child always has to be around? Even though it quite clearly makes her child and yours happy.

If there's any resentment issues, I'm sure that could fuel it.

Sad though, seeing as from what else you describe, it seems although you are all trying very hard to have good relationships.

And I definitely could understand how that would make you feel that they did not ask about your child but perhaps that is a good indicator as to how they feels about your DC.

Not a nice situation for anyone sadly but great that you have good relationships within the family elsewhere.

Everyone has a right to their own opinion and feelings and within integrated families, it's not always possible to get along.

In this instance, the only advice I could really give would be to protect your DCs from further hurt by expecting anything from your partners DC and partner. It's clear that they aren't utterly fussed so that's fine. Leave it to your DP to maintain a relationship with them and enjoy your other relationships within the family I guess

Step back from the babysitting, yes. If your partner agrees to it, it has to be his sole responsibility

I did wonder about this:
She knows my partner often goes on nights outs alone as I have no babysitter
Can't you find one? I use sitters.co.uk - it's not hard. Do you insist on babysitters being family? I understand it's different for overnight stays like the wedding, but surely not for nights out?

It's how they won't acknowledge me or my children which is the problem.

But don't you see that from their perspective, they probably don't consider you or your DC to be family? Because legally you're not? You're not related via blood or marriage (unless you are actually married but writing DP instead of DH) I know that sounds cruel but it sounds like that's how they see it. You can't make them like you or your DC. It sounds like they tolerated you until they had their own DC and now the chasm is too great. I must admit that in their position, I would be irritated that your children were always around and that their DC never got to spend time alone with their GF as that GF-GC relationship is so important.

I think that ftfoawygtfosm has also made some good points and has shown a different perspective.

@HundredMilesAnHour if that's how they want to see it, then it should have been like that from the beginning. When me and my partner first got together, I didn't visit his sons home until over a year, when everyone was comfortable with the situation. There was never an issue with my kids, until their child came along, by which point my children felt accepted and part of the family. My eldest knows they're being pushed out, and it's hurtful. If that was the stance, it should have been clear from the beginning. Cutting them and me out now is unacceptable when we've don't nothing wrong.

And my partner does spend time with his grandchild alone, when allowed.

I'm another one picking up on the fact that this didn't start when DiL appeared on the scene, it started when she had a baby. That event was the catalyst. If I were you, I'd have a good think about the period of time just before and after the birth. I'm not saying you did anything wrong but is it possible that she felt that you did/did not do something she felt you should/should not have done?

Otherwise, I think it's a case of 'what cannot be cured must be endured'. You can't do anything about her attitude or your DSS going along with it. So the best thing to do is just ignore it as best you can. Don't be a doormat (i.e. babysitting etc), but don't confront her or DSS or make waves in the family. Enjoy the relationships you have with the other DSC and their children and let DSS and DiL go their own way. They are the ones losing out. And since your own children have a good relationship with the rest of the family, they won't miss the one piece of it that is 'missing' as long as you don't draw their attention to it and just shrug it off if they mention it (as a PP suggested).

Thank you @AcrossthePond55. I don't think I did anything wrong before or after the birth. I went to see their child on the day after the birth, was excitedly buying gifts etc. We saw a lot of them in the first instance, but then have them space to settle down as a new family. So I don't recall any event as such.

But you're right, we have a lovely extended family. Due to my youngest still being off school after their operation she has been in the company of the other sons and their children pretty regularly when they've helped me out if I needed to work. I'd be devastated if we lost that bond too, so I won't be saying anything as I don't want to cause ripples in the family.

I've told my partner it's up to him if he says anything. He knows I'm upset about it and was hurt to see me cry when they didn't acknowledge a recent birthday. But I will have to separate myself from them, for my own sanity and to protect my children from the hurt is is causing.

@acrossthepond I used to think that keeping quiet and ‘not making waves’ was the way to go. However it’s like ignoring a bully at work - it just gets worse. Her kids are already picking up on this a feeling excluded. They are just kids, they need to see that the adults are prepared to do something. I know, I didn’t, and my sons have been divided. The OP is totally right to make a few waves and stick up for her kids, something her DP should have done.

OP. You’re not going to win this one I’m afraid. I think the problem (loud and clear) is the DIL. Is she a golden uterus? (I.e. has some vastly inflated ideas over how HER child should be treated).

Because it’s clear to me that the rest of the family are fine, so that tells me it’s not anything you’re doing. It was fine until she herself had a baby. And it’s clear to me that your DP’s son doesn’t have an issue either. Your DP is a grandfather and aside from doing what he’s doing, I’m at a loss as to what else she expects a grandfather to do?

Personally? I would detach from the situation massively and focus on what you do have. A lovely DP, and a great relationship with the rest of the children. I think your idea of offering to have all the DC so everyone else can have fun at the wedding is a lovely idea and I would do that for the children who aren’t excluding your DC.

Regarding your own DC. They’re not babies. If theyre being excluded (and none of you know why), then you just have to sit them down and talk to them. Tell them that they have done nothing wrong, they are very much loved. That something has happened but you don’t know what, but until someone is prepared to sit and have a conversation about what is upsetting them, there isn’t anything you can do.

Use this as an opportunity to educate your DC and equip the with skills. They’ll have people (especially in their teens) who suddenly stop talking to them, they’ll need skills to deal with that. You can’t wrap your DC up in cotton wool.

I also wouldn’t let this drive a wedge in what otherwise sounds like a lovely family set up you have achieved. Don’t let this negativity permeate your relationship.

Question. What does the rest of the family think about the situation? Do they see it? Has it been discussed?

@TooSassy thank you for your kind words, I feel a lot better. You raise an interesting point about how our children are being raised though. I'm a very strict parent when it comes to what clothes they can wear (both girls who think they are already 18), manners, how to behave in public, access to social media, mobiles phones etc. But I'm pretty laid back when it comes to being a kid - such as climbing trees, getting mucky, unavoidable grazed knees etc. DIL on the other hand is the other way round. Child can do whatever they please. Wallpaper is removed from walls, they're scribbled on, curtains are hanging off, child paddies in public when not getting own way, shouts and screams at parents. But also is dressed pristine, isn't allowed anywhere remotely "dangerous" such as snapping a tree branch incase they get a splinter, not allowed to dip their little toe in our paddling pool incase she caught cold etc. So I guess we are different.

The other sons are a bit like their dads, dont want to say much about it. One of the partners hasn't said much about my situation but isn't happy about their children not being allowed at the wedding and has been quite vocal to us but not to them directly. Other partner is more direct and literally wants a showdown with her. That's more to do with her kids and the wedding, but use my situation as a back up for us to confront her together.

You say you gave them space to settle. Did they ask for it? I know I resented my MIL for some time when I had my babies. They both suffer from awful colic and I really struggled. It went on for many months. My OH worked away for the week so I was on my own and my family all leave abroad.

Like you, she was very present at the start but then only came when she wanted to have fun. She never actually asked if I needed help, never offered to take my baby away for a few hours. Then she would miss events that were meaningless to her but important to me.

Ultimately she is a very loving person and my error was to never dared to ask because I realised later that if I had, she would have helped. She had no idea I was struggling just assumed I was finding it a bit tough but not as bad as I really was.

My point is that it is very possible that you thought you and your OH acted in a normal caring way but that she actually hoped you'd offer more help or be more involved in their lives. Did your OH attended their first day at school, their nativity play, came to see them ride their bikes for the first time?

And did he did he do those things. On his own or with you and your kids as well?

@Bananasinpyjamas11 I hear what you are saying. But OP has already made her feelings clear to all involved. To continue to push issues with DSS and DiL may very well cause further problems with them, or even cause problems with the other family members as they (inevitably) get dragged in by one party or the other. No, better to let it go having said your bit (as the OP has), stand your ground (no babysitting etc) and concentrate on the family members who are more accepting and kind. And as far as 'sticking up for the kids', OP can't force DiL if she doesn't want to be kind. The only thing she can do is shelter them as best she can from the unkindness and 'big up' the love for them from the rest of the family. As they get older, they'll be better able to understand that some people are just unkind and idiots.

Unlike a workplace bully, relationships within a family are much more fraught with emotional landmines (on all sides) and much more liable to fracture. A workplace bully (and I had one) is actually much easier to fight as you usually have company rules or policy on your side AND it doesn't involve your family directly (as in the bully bullying them). Unfortunately, there are no real 'rules' for family issues as each side thinks they get to make them. And to an extent, they do. OP gets to make her own rules and can refuse to be around DiL or help her out in any way. DiL gets to make her own rules even if her rules are wrong and cruel.

I'm not saying that workplace bully situations aren't emotional. They are, don't I know it! It's just a different kind of emotion and usually one-sided (the victim). The bully usually doesn't give a rat's ass and actually enjoys the bullying. I don't think the DiL is a bully. I think she believes that she either has a valid grievance or that 'steps' aren't 'real' family. She's wrong of course, but you can't make another person see reason.

By giving her room to settle I meant that her mum moved in so the house was pretty packed. We were at one point shooed away by her mum, saying that she needed to rest.

But no, he hasn't been to any of those things as he works away. He's never seen any nativities, celebration days of my children and instead relies on WhatsApp to keep up with activities. He goes on a Monday, comes back on a Saturday morning week in, week out. He only came back when my youngest was poorly as it really was critical. Any other time he's not there, so childcare and arranging cover has always been down to me.

He did take their child for their first shoes, first school uniform, he's there at birthday parties. I've been at birthday parties (not the last one as my children weren't invited). But I didn't go when he took them shopping for shoes, or when they went to chose their birthday present. I wasn't there (or my kids) when he took her to see Santa. I took mine alone, we didn't do it as a family.

@acrossthepond I think we are in agreement, I thought you meant not saying anything at all, and just keeping passive. I can see you just meant for the OP to draw her boundaries, protect her children, and after having said her piece, and made herself clear, to just hold that line. Sounds very sensible!

I just know that I regret not being clearer to my DPs family that excluding me and my older son wasn’t on, so that my family could see that this wasn’t healthy. By not saying anything it seemed to ramp up the unkind comments. It’s a tricky position to be in, but I do think it’s bullying.

OP - I think you are getting worked up over nothing.

ftf - has given a very clear insight into the workings of the mind of an adult child when faced with a new " SM" on the scene and her younger DCs. You just want to ignore her very valid and relevant opinion.

So one of the DILs does not like you - so what? She changed when she had a child - many people do and become very protective of their own. Who knows what her OH thinks you can not be friends with everyone.

You seem to want to play the role of SM/wife of their father one minute and then be on the same friendly level as his kids. You can not have it both ways.

And as for the child care - yes people do use the grand parents for child care, it is just a weird dynamic that the "grand parents" expect child care to be offered back. If you are senior NHS Manager then you can afford childcare!

ftf - sums up how she feels and I can completely understand her POV - listen to what she is saying. 1 /6 not liking you is pretty good and seriosuyl the wedding all DCS are not invited yours are not the only ones not invited