They don't like me and my kids

[Notsolarry]

So, I've been with my partner for 8 years now. He's 20 years older than me and as such has grown up children and grand children. When my partner and I got together I had two small children who he has helped me raise as they don't see their father.

All was fine until one of his sons (he has 3) met his current partner. For whatever reason they do no like me, and have now started to take this resentment out on my children. My son was in hospital recently for a major operation, and whilst I didn't expect a visit from them, a text to ask if they were ok wouldn't have gone a miss. I even posted an update on Facebook due to the huge amount of texts I was getting, and again no comment or well wishes. Thought it might be a one off. But this weekend was my daughters birthday. Invited them and their child to her party, they declined. No card, no text and no "likes" or comments on Facebook.

I have mentioned their lack of interest to them previously, and the step-daughter in law told me it was unfair that my partner spent more time with my children as opposed to his grandchild, as my children aren't blood related. So there's certainly a bit of resentment.

It's starting to boil my piss, and I'm up against it with my partner who doesn't want to cause any rumblings. We only get asked to have their child when they want to go out drinking, and when we ask to go and see her for a visit, they're always busy. We invite them here, and they're busy. It's clear they don't want anything to do with me or my children, but that puts my partner in a tricky spot with both of us. What would you do?

@Bananasinpyjamas11 Yes, I do think we were saying the same thing in different words!

I come from an extremely blended family and can see this from both angles.

With my DF’s latest wife, I have made very little effort and none with her family. I don’t like her and am too busy to make the effort with her or them. I suspect she doesn’t like me either, I’m not offended. We can’t all like each other. I have been like this consistently though, so she can’t expect anything else. I am always polite though, send Xmas cards etc and would never make her feel uncomfortable. If she was ill, I would enquire after her health or that of her children. She is polite to my face but that is it.

I am really close to one of my ex Stepmothers though and am like a sister to her daughter. We just all get on and are much happier frankly without my DF in the way.

Be polite to your DIL but otherwise make no effort. She may come round, she may not but by removing the upset that she causes you, you will feel so much better. And teach your DC that they should be polite and respect other people’s feelings, whatever they think of them.

I'd ignore her. While she's being difficult your DPs son is allowing her. I often see the woman being blamed in these situations and maybe it is her issue, but your SS should be telling her it's not okay.

He's allowing his nieces and nephews not to be invited to his wedding. He sounds like weak and like a pushover.

If all the others are sending cards for your DC, don't focus on the one who isn't. I told my DD (when she said she hadn't got a gift from Uncle X) that a gift was not a debt.

Don't argue with your DP over it anymore.

Not so relevant -but I hope no harm has come to his Ex. That's quite a mystery her disappearing like that. Was she so angry and decided to trash the place and run.

So from what you said in your first post, he helped you raise your kids but then you say he is away all week but for one day and hasn't been involved in any main activities.

Anyway whether they are right or wrong it is their perception that he puts your children before his grand children. Maybe it's not about physical time but how he talks about them, who knows. You can't change their perception though. It is sad that they couldn't have a few kind words about your child in hospital but clearly the resentment is deep seeded and as such I think you'll have to accept it. As said, they will consider the children as yours and as much as you yourself haven't been much involved in the life of your OH grand children when he isn't around, they are not bothered about yours either.

Don't let it upset you because there isn't much you can do to change it unless you are prepared to consider what you can change yourself.

I’ve been thinking about this off and on because it’s struck close to home.

I recently had an operation. Me. Not even one of my kids. Me. Major enough I was in for a few days. She didn’t ask how I was. She didn’t text. She didn’t contact me. Not at all. And I’m not bothered. I haven’t said to anyone she should have, because I don’t think she should.

Would people really think she should have? My dad asked after me on the phone regularly but it mildly irritated me that every time it was “we were wondering” “me and Jane are thinking of you” because it couldn’t just be him, she had to get shoehorned in.

Your dislike of the way she is raising their child shines through. The fact that you want your kids to be included also does.

Maybe it’s the having a child of their own. Maybe they want just to see your partner. Maybe that has brought up differences in your parenting styles that now, because they have a child of their own, stand out.

My dad and her were invited to an adult only family event. The youngest child there was 17. They rocked up and he opened the door and her kids jumped out. I ended up paying for them (I didn’t sort the invites but I was paying) and I felt it was rude as fuck. He and she did the breezy no big deal they’re only kids thing but it changed the whole tone of the event.

Babysitting? Why the fuck should I babysit so my dad and the woman she’s shagging can have a social life? Basically that’s what it comes down t and I just find that icky. I know I’m wrong, I know that’s unfair, but I can’t babysit. Neither can my kids (they’ve been asked) emotionally it’s too hard for me to do that. I’m busy when he’s asked me, and no, I don’t stay over in their house either we he and she go to bed in what was my parents room and fuck. I just don’t want to be there for that. It’s too much.

The she didn’t like me Facebook. Well so what. It’s facebook. Again, I’m weird, but I don’t really do Facebook and I just can’t understand people who get uptight with others for not liking posts. I have too much to do and I post infrequently and I wouldn’t ever post a status about one of my kids if they were ill. I didn’t even post a status of my own when I was sick.

I don’t send a card and a present if I don’t go to a kids birthday party. I’m for my best friends daughters party this weekend. I’m bringing a card and a present but if I hadn’t gone I wouldn’t have.

I resent my dad for how much he does with her kids. I resent that he’s there for them after school and weekends (he’s retired) that he goes to their football matches and he tucks them in. He never did that for us. But it’s kire than that. I resent how he is with her. I resent that he sits and cuddles her and they’re all over each other like a bad rash. That is had goes up and down the inside of her thigh. That he strokes her hair. My mum was desperate for physical contact in her last days and he wouldn’t give it and I hate him for that.

I also resent the way they talk about my mum. She’s dead. They slag off her choice in decor and clothes. I hated her choice in decor. It was shit and when she was alive me and her used to laugh about how different we were. But now. He and she slag her off and that’s their narrative. I know you said his ex has disappeared but even so slagging her and saying negative stuff - she’s still their mum.

That was long! Sorry.

iPad mangled some words. Hope you still can make sense of it.

@ftfoawygtfosm I think you need to sit down with your dad perhaps on the same note as my partner needs to sit down with his son.

I don't resent how she is raising her child, it's just different to mine, but everyone has their own ways. Babysitting I totally agree with.

I didn't want to mention he was only home at weekends as I wasn't an open case. Any "normal" grandad would have evenings and weekends to see their grandchild. He only has a day and a half to see 11 in total, and put in a bit of time with me. So I didnt want to say I'd raised my children alone as I haven't, I'm not a single parent, but he isn't there 27/7. His children have grown up with him doing the same job as he is now.

As for childcare, just because I have a good job doesn't mean I can automatically afford childcare. What I meant was I cover all the childcare myself. I don't ask his family to help as my side cannot help. So they go in childcare facilities. I've never expected anyone to help, but who wouldn't take it when it eases the financial burden somewhat? My childcare bill last summer holidays was just short of £1k - can anyone realistically just afford that without saving?

As for the wife, my partner always paid into a joint account and stupidly thought that all bills would be paid for by his wife. Wrong. He's been left with thousands of debts. She's done a runner as she's liable to pay half, but that's another story!

Any how, that wasn't the purpose behind my thread. I've done a lot of thinking overnight after reading all the comments, and I think the best I can do is just stay away. I'm happy with what the set up I've got so I'm wasting time letting the DIL drag me down.

Thank you for everyone's comments.

ftfoawygtfosm Reading your post it seems your issues are with your father and childhood but you are taking them out by passive aggressive behaviour on his partner and her kids.

On one hand you want 1to1 with him only and why it's "them" all the time( it's because they are a couple and he clearly cares about her) on the other hand he was a shit father who slags your late mother off...

You know that as an adult widower men whose children are adults he is perfectly within his right to fall in love and have a second family? You know you have no right to stop it?

You say his partner made a lot of effort with you but you are just not interested...well how would you feel if your father "just wasn't interested" when you get a new partner and he might even have a child...I bet you would be very hurt at him being excluded and just angry on behalf of the excluded child.

Your feeling are of course valid but your SM didn't call ot text you because you have let her know laud and clear she is not part of the family and you don't want a relationship with her. I wouldn't be making an effort anymore if I was her either.

You should address this resentment you are feeling as it sounds toxic to carry it with you. Iylt would also be a mature thing to do to recognise your issues are with your father and the relationship you wish you had with him and his partner is just a catalyst to your feelings and a convenient target.

His partner made a lot of effort with me? Where are you reading that from. She has made no effort with me. She has made it clear from even before I met her that I wasn’t welcome, that my kids weren’t welcome, we were told by dad to stay away when she was there because she wouldn’t be able t cope with us it would be too stressful for her she gets too anxious (note. This when I was saying oh it would be lovely to meet her we must call over some weekend). We are not allowed there if she is there and that is not at my doing.

I have a new ish partner. Boyfriend. He has a child. She has never been invited to anything in the family. He has, as my partner, but she hasn’t. That’s ok. Neither he nor me are upset about that. It’ll wholeness when it havens.

She’s not my step mother. First off they aren’t married and second off I have (had) a mother and someone who is only 3 years older than I will never ever have that role in my life.

I was in hospital for a life changing operation. My dads partner never once asked after me and didn’t come to see me when I was in hospital.

Every time I go to see my dad he’s busy with her and her kids and I have to have them involved in my relarionship with him. I never get to see him on his own.

Her kids are badly behaved and an embarrassment when we go out.

She sneers at me. When she looks at my daughters she literally curls her face up. When they go near their granda she pushes them out of the way so she can sit on his knee.

She is there all the time. She binned stuff of my mothers and cslled it old junk.

She is literally sitting there stroking his leg and feeling his cock in front of me and my kids.

If you would seriously be ok with that you are a better person than me.

Firstly, stop the Facebook attention seeking. I've never understood why people update status for hospital visits and held the problems. Just simply copy and paste a simple message to those who have texted you.

Also judging them on social media likes is a bit playground.

If they don't want to come to the party and so on, then just leave them to it, and if you feel like they're taking the piss asking you to babysit then don't, just let your partner do it.

@ftfoawygtfosm no I wouldn't like that one bit.

I think we're crossing posts a little bit now and I'm getting confused ha. But in a sad way, I can relate to your position too. My mum and dad divorced when I was 11. My dad met a new young partner very quickly and after initially thinking it was "cool" that she was so young, that soon diminished. Fast forward to my 21st, my dad text me to say he was in a clinic in Germany having his snip reversed. Nice. I didn't get a happy birthday. When my first child came along I was asked not to fetch my child to his house as his wife would find it upsetting, as his reversal hadn't worked. Ffs she knew he couldn't have any more children when they met! So that was the end of my relationship with my dad.

He's now divorced again and has been for some time, but the relationship with him is a struggle now. He took my youngest out for the day last week as she is still off school, and he admitted it was "strange", but enjoyed it nevertheless. I'm not sure if they'll be any more days out, but I can see that he's trying, even if it is 10 years down the line.

Those were to whitecat.

I do resent my dad for some of how he’s behaving and I choose not to be around him and his partner because it upsets me. I don’t want to sit there and see her quite literally stroking his cock through his trousers. I wouldn’t want to do that with my kids I definitely don’t need to see it when it’s my dad.

I am sorry you’re upset and I can see why you would be given that you feel your kids were welcome before, but I can see their point of view. It’s one of those ones that’s hard to navigate, but I can definitely see both sides.

Could it be a simple case, to put it bluntly, of not liking your child? You say that the little grandchild asks to see your child and so your partner obliges. Perhaps his son and daughter in law are gritting the teeth every time this happens.

That, combined with the previous poster's suggestion that the family might feel a little unhappy about not spending so much one-to-one time with grandad could really be much ground for resentment.
I am also thinking that you are expecting too much and that I too would just really not be interested in my father's choice of partner and her children. I have my own life, my own children, why do I want to involve myself so much with other people's? I like my friends for we have common ground, but it is not necessarily common ground with someone just because they live with your father.

OP, it sounds like you are willing to be fair and flexible but ultimately there is some resentment towards his life before you got together, his ex, his kids, his grand children.

I expect however much you try to hide it, they can perceive it, or at least the son's wife can. It just takes a look, sigh, silence to speak volume to those who are perceptive and that's enough for them to make assumptions and dislike you.

@ ftfoawygtfosm your situation with the lack of time with your dad one to one does sound pretty grim - I hope it gets better.

@notsolarry it sounds like you have set some boundaries for yourself. Just be a bit careful that you are not chased away so much that it creates trouble later on. It’s a tough one, but sometimes I think popping your head in at times, hard as it is, can stop the very divisive ‘SM does not exist’ - and forces a degree of civility. You are family and so are your kids.

The boundary can be ‘I will protect me and my kids by not allowing kids to go with just DH, and by not exposing them or me to regular snide comments, so cutting down contact (not stopping completely). I won’t let it affect my relationship with DH, he can visit without me and kids, I’ll ask politely how his grandson is. We won’t babysit until hostility has calmed down. I’ll let DH know that they are welcome to visit however they have to be respectful of me and acknowledge the kids. I won’t expect texts or social media, but will expect a minimum level of acknowledgement about my kids to DH if not me.’

Something like that?

Any how, that wasn't the purpose behind my thread. I've done a lot of thinking overnight after reading all the comments, and I think the best I can do is just stay away. I'm happy with what the set up I've got so I'm wasting time letting the DIL drag me down.

OP, this. A million times this.
There have been some interesting/ eye opening posts on this thread. Some very sad ones too. And all I come back to (with any relationship) is communication. Some families can communicate, voice past hurts and resentments, with the view to 'lets air this, so we can all move on'. Others simply cannot. Because they may not have the will to, or want to, or have the capacity to listen and go away and think and come back with a solution. More importantly, the person they need to have this talk with may not be receptive or open.

It's a shame and it's why so many families get ripped apart. I think there has been some great advice on how you manage this situation with your DC (be open and honest and place no blame). Perhaps drop your DIL a card that says - if she ever wants to talk, one on one, the door is always open. Then remove yourself completely from this drama.

Do not argue any longer with your DP, focus on the happy family you have and do not let her drive a wedge in any further.

Oh, and certainly DO NOT let your DP's sons partners use your situation as a ram to voice their own discontent over the lack of invite to a wedding. All of these men (quite frankly) need to find their balls. It's their DC's that haven't been invited either, so why arent they picking up the phone to their brother saying WTF dude, if my kids aren't invited, then I'm not coming. And if they're not doing that, then shame on them.

Either you take all the kids and let the couples go. Or the rest of the partners organise a lovely fun day/ overnight stay somewhere with the kids.

Why is this whole family dancing to the tune of one woman. Stop giving her so much power.

I just want to come back to the my dads partner made a lot of effort with me. She bloody hasn’t. I’ve had them here for dinner, on plenty of occasions. I’ve not had a meal in my dads house since she came on the scene.

I invite her (not always her kids, but usually, and definitely always her) to every family event I’m organising.

They left me sitting on my own on Christmas Day last year because my kids were with their dad and my dad went to her house. Where I was not invited. I asked if I could join them and was told no, it was a day for her family only.

I’ve had her and my dad here 3 times since and I’ve met them out twice, and one other time they gatecrashed her kids to a do.

She has made no effort at all. I’ve never been asked to any of her family events. Neither has my brother. Our kids can’t see their grandpa without her and/or her kids there.

I go round I don’t even get offered a cup of tea or a seat. The last time I went (having organised with my dad) she told me it wasn’t really a good time and rushed me out the door.

So. From where I’m sitting I made an effort. I took her laughing at my mum’s stuff and never said a word. I had her here for Christmas on Boxing Day with her kids after she and my dad left me sitting on my own the day before. I simply won’t do that again. I’m not bothered enoug about building a relationship with her to put myself through that.

@TooSassy thank you. I feel lot better after reading some of the comments. Whilst I may not agree with some - I certainly don't have any resentment to her, or any issues with my partners relationship, I do appreciated their are two sides. I'm going to be the bigger person, I will try to explain things to my children because yes they're not babies. And I'll stop the arguments with my partner, because he does his best in the time we spend with him, and my children love him too much to lose him.

I have read about half the thread. I think you sound over-invested and need to tone the emotion down. Your oldest is only noticing because you are making quite a fuss. You stated in one of your early posts "I'm very protective over my children, and I don't like that they're being shunned". Life is tough - not everyone will like everyone and want the big happy family that you want. The people "shunning" your children are not your family, they are not friends, they are not community or work colleagues. They are your partner's child's partner.

That is pretty distant. Why damage your relationship for that? 8 years is a good commitment. So just keep polite, but distant. So you can be in the same room without an issue but perhaps be unable to make anything other than small talk.

@greenlanes that's exactly what I'll be doing now. This post has been very helpful in reassessing things. Whilst I get that they're not my family and I'm not theirs, her intolerance towards me means that I now do not want to engage with her, causing a rift between me and my partner. My distancing myself, he will now have to do things alone even more than he does now - certainly for the last year he's spent more 1:1 time with them as I had started to pick up on things. I suppose the ultimate test will be if they start to notice my absence, lack of interest, invites to social gatherings etc.

I totally disagree with the ‘not family’ comments OP and Greenlanes. Of course you are all family - that’s why the issue is so awkward - you cannot avoid the family connections. Of course you are right to be defensive of your kids being shunned by other family members! It’s never an excuse or less damaging because she’s a SM.

@ftfoawygtfosm

I can tell how much your situation hurts you. There's something about how some Ex husbands and dads behave when with a new partner. They almost push aside their own family. Whether it's the new wife behind it who knows.

There's a certain weakness and lack of backbone in those men.

What response would you get if you asked your dad to take your dad out for a meal? Just him. Would he come?

Would most step mums on here be offended by this? Your adult SC going out to dinner with their dad?

I’d never object to DP going out with just his DSD and not me. Ever.

I fact he goes out alone with his daughters more often than he goes out with me. Once a week usually.

We are separating but it’s not over him going out, I think that’s a healthy and good thing to do.