MIL preference over my step children to 'our child'

[Saem12]

Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice or opinions on my situation and wether or not you think I'm paranoid. I have 2 step children, a girl aged 5 and a boy aged 4. Me and my fiance have a son together aged 18 months. (I'm also pregnant with our 2nd child). My MIL is very much involved in my step children lives, but not so much in our sons life (which is also her biological grandchild). She helps out a lot with SKs which I get because obviously my fiance and his ex are separated. But what hurts the most is that she seems to prefer SKs much more than our son. She doesn't show much interest in our son at all but is such a good grandmother to the other 2. She has them over night all the time. She's never had our son over night yet. Her house is filled with my SKs toys and there isn't any for my son. She also doesn't have a car seat for him, a toothbrush, clothes. All of which she has for our SKs. She never asks to see him but if she's not seen my step kids for a few days she misses them so much and has them over night. My feelings are so hurt I can't tell you. I dread seeing her because it's another reminder of how my son isn't loved or acknowledged by her. I don't know where to turn because I've mentioned it to my fiance and he goes mad saying his mum would never do that. I don't know if he's in denial about it or just doesn't care - because it's so obvisous! I spoke out last Christmas about this too her that she's really spoiled my step kids and not 'our son'. She cried and said she understood but nothing has changed. It's hurts me that she is so passionate about the other 2. Firstly I thought maybe it was because our son is only a baby at 18 months but I know she was good with the other 2 when they were his age. What should I do about this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA

But she is 'bio' mum. A bit of a picky one aren't we Carol

If the MIL really loves and is totally invested in the SKs, it's not something she has any control over. She has spent a lot of time, 4/5 years with them, and they can both talk now and interact. Your lo is still a baby but hopefully as he gets older and develops his own personaity, their relationship will grow.

It’s not child abuse whatsoever. I think I wouldn’t be impressed if my son had two children ,the relationship broke down and instead of focusing on his two children in helping settling them into a new step up utilmately got his new partner pregnant when his youngest was maybe approximately your child’s age now or younger. There’s many factors here 1. The one I stated above. 2. She didn’t really get an opportunity to develop a relationship with you like she did with his ex 3. You are quite judgemental of her past life choices as evident in your post 4. Possible treatment of her existing gc 5.The fact you got pregnant again so quickly after the first. 6. The fact her time is more limited because he’s not with his ex means she like to make an extra effort to spent time with them. 7. They are older children and more independent. 8. She might feel abit sorry for them given they had a new sibling with a mother that wouldn’t particularly know that well, that’s a lot for a child to really take on and knowing their grandmother is one of the most consistent things In their life. 9. You’re relationship is rocky as you almost split.10. She knows you don’t like her. It could be a whole load of reasons I listed op.

To the person that said 'it sounds like you hardly have them'. What gave that impression? That's just antagonistic.

And bio mom is rude she’s just mom she hasn’t given her dc up for adoption

Tbh going by some of your other threads she probably does feel particularly protective of her older GC, justifiably so. Your attitude to your partner's kids is troubling to say the least. 6 months ago you were posting that you resented the existence of his 3 year old, but now you are bringing another baby into the relationship? She is probably angry at how irresponsible and selfish the pair of you seem to be.

I used the term bio mum for ease of understanding for the people reading the post. You know step mum/ bio mum/ birth mum. Jee people are easily offended

@Saem12

No, it's not about being picky. We know you're the step mum ergo their Mum is just Mum and doesn't need any further descriptor.

You've set up home, got engaged and had a child with another on the way while his first children were tiny. It's happened extremely fast and you can't expect everyone to just accept the speed you and he decided to move at. Maybe your MIL just doesn't like you that much?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3198020-Step-mum-woes

Makes perfect sense now you created a new family and wish his other family day don’t exist no wonder your mil maintained a separate relationship with them good for her.

Because the impression you give is that you don't see the children much- and if they are with their Mum or with their grandmother every few days, doesn't sound like they spend much time with you. You don't seem to have any real feelings for them, except resentment. How often do they stay with you then?

we weren't speaking for a while. And that's the way I liked it. But DP didn't like that and it caused so many arguments. Me and the MIL ended up speaking again

That's actually a potentially useful information nugget for you.

Set aside for a second the rights and wrongs of how the 2 of you ended up not speaking. Focus on the cutting off of contact bit because it might be relevant.

She bonded with her son's children. His relationship broke down. Like a lot of grandparents she might have had concerns that her relationship with her grandchildren could end up as collateral damage. And she could have had concerns she might be left grieving for children she has a strong bond with, that she is allowed little to no contact with. It's not a baseless fear when your adult child's relationship falls apart.

So far she has had a reprieve with the mother of his older children. So far. She might not feel she has any guarantees. She might worry about the future and their mother moving away, moving on, taking a different view of such a close relationship with grandma being something she will allow.

Once bitten a million times sub consciously shy. She might, without any malice or even conscious awareness, be avoiding bonding to the same extent with new grandchildren. Because she looked into the chasm of of potential loss, and can't face any risk of feeling like that again. Not creating the same sort of bond with her second wave of grandchildren might have been about building a protective layer around her heart, not something personal to you or your children.

But with one bout of not speaking and a forced reconcilliation from your perspective already cropping up, any "self protection from loss" strategies could kick up a notch when it comes to your children specifically.

I'd seriously suggest looking at the whole picture, including the ex and her other grandkids, with her lens. You won't find the key to resolving an issue, that is obviously and understandably upsetting for you, until you can take a 360°, unbiased view of her potential motivations. Her reasons could very easily not be bad, they may be sad, and scared. If that's the case, friction and antipathy between her and you will not make that go away, it will only create so very much more of the same with knobs on.

MIL is probably just protective over the SKs because their world has been shaken, as they've lost their dad. It might take her a while to come to terms with that.

@Snappedandfarted2018- thanks. Now makes much more sense and the background kinda confirms what I'd thought. Appreciate the link.

I got the impression aswell before someone meantioned her dislike for her stepson who was three at the time although she said he’s five hence why I searched her name and remembered her post. I’m wondering if op was the ow and it wasn’t the ex who cheated, her dp seemed to move on extremely quickly for being heartbroken his dw had an affair.

Could she feel they need more love and attention as the ‘poor things have a broken home’?

You see your step children quite infrequently in fairness.
They are only little, neither will have any memories of Daddy living with them and he only sees them twice a month ( Going by your OP on the other thread). You state how you don’t like your fiancés son who is only just 4. Well, he will sense that and probably does not like you much either!
I feel really sorry for your step children, once again innocent little ones getting hurt and sidelined by their father who has rushed in to having a new family with indecent haste. You didn’t give your step children time to form a bond with you before you had your own son. Your poor little stepson will wonder why Daddy lives with his (half) brother but not him. Does your fiancé ever do anything one to one with his older son and daughter? Does he make the effort to make them feel loved and wanted?
You say also that he barely bothers with your son together - so why on earth are you having another baby with a man who isn’t a good father to the three he has already?

Oh, and as for your MIL She probably gives the two grandchildren the love , care and attention that they don’t receive from you or your fiancé. She gives them stability - she’s a constant. Their mother is probably very grateful for the help she gets and the love her kids get.

When families become mixed with step kids, half siblings etc it’s difficult and it takes time. Your fiancé should have concentrated on his children and made sure they were his priority rather than going out and starting a new family so fast.
You mention you are young and you sound very young ( and selfish) too so I am trying to be gentle with you.
But your threads bother me - I just wonder if two years down the line we will be reading the following

“ My fiancé has left me and our two small children. He has started a new relationship and has had a baby really quickly. I can’t believe how difficult it’s been for our children since it’s clear that their stepmum likes my older child but not the younger one. They cry when they see him and her as they want to come home. They know she doesn’t want them there. He only sees them twice a month though - how on earth can they expect the children to get used to them when they see them so infrequently.? You can’t build a bond with someone you barely see....................”

Get the gist?

Stop worrying about your MIL and her relationship with your step children. Step up to the mark as a stepmother and you might garner a bit of respect from her. Go round and make an effort when she has your step children there. Take your son and have lunch /tea together. And stop putting your ‘ oh I’m so hard done by’ feelings before those of two innocent little children who didn’t ask for or deserve any of this.

the ex can't be that close as she didn't even get her a birthday card from the children, I did she didn't because it is their fathers job to get a card for their paternal grandmother.

You don't like his son, you don't like his mum, he doesn't bother with your son and you nearly break up if you don't think his mother is perfect. Why are you actually with him?

I’m not surprised the mil has no time for you I wouldn’t either. Well done for her making sure your stepchildren are loved.

My parents had 9 grandchildren - some they were close to , some they weren't. It was their decision and they never felt the need to explain. One of mine was a "favorite", one was excluded. Who would know why. I just learned to live with it.

In your position I'd get over it and move on. Your 18 month old does have people who love him - you and DH. He isn't suffering from the lack of his grandmother's attention - he has no idea that there is a lack. You seem to be suffering on his behalf - move on and just take what comes.

Your choice of words is revealing - you call her lack of attention "child abuse" - please stop doing that ! This kind of thing does you no good at all. It isn't child abuse, she just spends more time with the other kids. And "bio Mum" ?? That person is a Mum, nothing "bio" about it. Do you call yourself a bio Mum to your own kids ?

I expect the main reason is her relationship with you which seems tense and she is reflecting these feelings onto your child. She might not now by close to the ex either but maybe she was at the time and she got to bond with the children in a way she didn't get to bond with your son because of your relationship.

How much did you see her when your son was born or soon afterwards? If she wasn't involved much then but was with the others that would impact on how she feels for them now.

You can't force a bond. It's there or it isn't. It is a pity she doesn't seem willing to make more of an effort but there's nothing you can do about that. Is you son close to your parents?

I think the stepkids came along first and she bonded with them and knows them well, they love their DGM, she has no need for other DGCs at the moment.

I found my DM and DMIL sort of lost interest in later children, and concentrated much more on the DGCs who lived near them.

Also understandable that she does not condemn her DIL for having an affair if she had one herself.

Also 18 month olds still need picked up regularly which is very tiring if you aren't doing it on a daily basis. Just because you've had 18 months to get used to carrying your DC about you assume it's as easy for others. An 18 month old is a lot of work compared to a 5 year old who can tell you what they want.

It is as it is. I don't think it's great favouritism just the first DGC like the first born child is a great novelty and gets more attention unless the grandparent makes an effort to behave equally to all. But if you make a song and dance then your DC will notice and be upset, f you don't your DC will just accept it and not bother as long as you and DP love him. I just accepted that my MIL had favourites, I think she was the same with her own DCs, visit less often so you don't have to see it.

But she is 'bio' mum. A bit of a picky one aren't we Carol

Sigh. She is your step childen’s mum. There is no adoption, fostering or anything else going on here. It isn’t ‘picky’ to expect a parent to be referred to with some respect. The use of the term ‘bio’ or ‘birth’ in relation to step children demonstrates a deep disrespect for the children’s relationship with their mum and has an air of step mum superiority about it. Whilst some mum’s don’t mind the term, many more find it offensive. Finding your approach to the ex and her children offensive could be the key to understanding your difficulties with your MIL, perhaps?

Saem12 - take a step back.

SC are 5 and 4
You have an 18 month old + 9 months pregnancy and what 3-4 months to get pregnant.
So the youngest SC was just over one - when she "basically cheated" on him with 2 kids under 2!! Seriously mothers with 2 kids under 2 - rarely go off to find themselves and she has not got a new partner, unless your partner was hugely emotionally/physically abusive - this is highly unusual.

MIL feels guilty because someone had an affair and 2 of the GDCs have been hurt by it all.

I would re write - your fiancee had an affair and you got pregnant. She is supporting her Ex DIL and mat well struggle with the whole set up. Good on her - she will come to love your DCs but give her time and space. When relationships break up, one side is always years ahead of the other and they expect the other side to cope on their timescale - they can not.

As to child abuse -get over yourself, my aunt doted on my sister and brother and as the extra in the middle I got left out. Yes I did feel hurt when in my teens but at the end of the day - it was her choice.

takeittakeitI completely agree if her dp had been cheated on he wouldn’t have moved on extremely quick to get op pregnant. Ops been told what she wanted to hear from her dp and he has rewritten history to suit and paint him as the victim in her previous thread she even question her dp sons paternity because she does not like and admits to feeling threatened as he’s a boy she even says he treated her poorly when she was pregnant.I also think the mil has supported the exdil and salvaged a relationship with her dgc.

Yet again another thread where the step mum is evil and its fine to treat ops kids and step kids differently if it swings in thr step kids favour. Double standards as usual.