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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

MIL preference over my step children to 'our child'

122 replies

Saem12 · 29/09/2018 21:52

Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice or opinions on my situation and wether or not you think I'm paranoid. I have 2 step children, a girl aged 5 and a boy aged 4. Me and my fiance have a son together aged 18 months. (I'm also pregnant with our 2nd child). My MIL is very much involved in my step children lives, but not so much in our sons life (which is also her biological grandchild). She helps out a lot with SKs which I get because obviously my fiance and his ex are separated. But what hurts the most is that she seems to prefer SKs much more than our son. She doesn't show much interest in our son at all but is such a good grandmother to the other 2. She has them over night all the time. She's never had our son over night yet. Her house is filled with my SKs toys and there isn't any for my son. She also doesn't have a car seat for him, a toothbrush, clothes. All of which she has for our SKs. She never asks to see him but if she's not seen my step kids for a few days she misses them so much and has them over night. My feelings are so hurt I can't tell you. I dread seeing her because it's another reminder of how my son isn't loved or acknowledged by her. I don't know where to turn because I've mentioned it to my fiance and he goes mad saying his mum would never do that. I don't know if he's in denial about it or just doesn't care - because it's so obvisous! I spoke out last Christmas about this too her that she's really spoiled my step kids and not 'our son'. She cried and said she understood but nothing has changed. It's hurts me that she is so passionate about the other 2. Firstly I thought maybe it was because our son is only a baby at 18 months but I know she was good with the other 2 when they were his age. What should I do about this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA

OP posts:

swingofthings · 01/10/2018 16:40

Or, she could just be the bigger person maybe?
Yes she couldn't but clearly doesn't want to be. Her choice in the end. She owes OP nothing and her son doesn't think she's doing anything wrong, so doesn't care to make an effort for a child that she hasn't bonded with and/or doesn't care to bond with. You can't force feelings on people who don't have them.

Beamur · 01/10/2018 17:22

My PIL are kind, lovely people, but they are closer to their older GC than they are to my DD. (I am also 2nd wife).
Given how fractious the relationship you already have with your MIL is, tbh, I'd not raise this with her right now as you're too cross. As your child gets older MIL may show more interest. If not, you can't actually make her. I get how irritating/upsetting that is, but some GP's do have favourites. Life isn't always fair.

Bibidy · 01/10/2018 17:32

[she] doesn't care to make an effort for a child that she hasn't bonded with and/or doesn't care to bond with. You can't force feelings on people who don't have them.

How come this philosophy doesn't apply to OP and her stepchildren as well? MIL can make no effort with her new grandchild but OP is criticised?

OP for what it's worth, I would just leave it. Hopefully your baby has so many other people doting on him that he won't even notice, and it's only your PIL missing out.

HandlebarTash81 · 01/10/2018 21:27

@Bibdy because MiL didn’t choose any of this. OP knew exactly what she was entering into.

HeckyPeck · 01/10/2018 22:57

The child didn’t ask for any of it either, but they’re the one that’s missing out. MIL is an adult and choosing to exclude one of her grandkids. That’s a very shitty thing to do.

TwistedStitch · 01/10/2018 23:05

What's worse for a child- not having a very involved grandmother or having to spend EOW with a stepparent who actively wishes you didn't exist and tries to undermine your relationship with your father?

HandlebarTash81 · 01/10/2018 23:38

Is she excluding the child or the OP? Can you imagine the scrutiny she’s under? She will have picked up on that. I bet the liaisons she has had with the child were micromanaged to death.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 02/10/2018 09:31

Honestly if your DP is overly invested in his Mum and you don’t get on that well with her, I would not be encouraging a relationship with your child. My DPs mum used to only be about the step kids, and now it’s the opposite, and I wish she’d back off! Her and DP go off without me with our child without asking me and it drives me nuts. She now never sees her step kids but isn’t bothered.

Julia1111 · 10/10/2018 00:16

My child’s grand mother is like this. She is very close with my daughter but less so with her other grand child (new wife). She has told me why And was along the lines of she heavily invested in first relationship and first grandchild and forged a relationship that is how it is.

She also doesn’t approve massively of new wife but also said that although she isn’t as close with her new grandchild due to outside factors that she loves both exactly the same but is just closer to one.

HeckyPeck · 10/10/2018 17:28

I find that so sad for her other grandchild Julia.

I’m so glad my grandparents shared their love equally between their grandchildren.

Julia1111 · 11/10/2018 19:01

Agreed.

Cherries101 · 21/10/2018 12:10

OP you say his ex cheated yet you were the one pregnant within months of meeting him (are you married?). It’s possible she sees you as a rebound and doesn’t want to get attached.

Mini2017 · 11/11/2018 00:27

following

“ My fiancé has left me and our two small children. He has started a new relationship and has had a baby really quickly. I can’t believe how difficult it’s been for our children since it’s clear that their stepmum likes my older child but not the younger one. They cry when they see him and her as they want to come home. They know she doesn’t want them there. He only sees them twice a month though - how on earth can they expect the children to get used to them when they see them so infrequently.? You can’t build a bond with someone you barely see....................”

Get the gist?

Mini2017 · 11/11/2018 00:32

Also, a man who keeps having kids at such speed, doesn’t seem like the kid of man who will really bond with his children.
Poo kids, growing up not forming a good relationship with their dad

I would be surprised if you two broke up and he just repeated this cycle of having kids very quickly.
To him it will be just another child.

HeddaGarbled · 11/11/2018 00:40

Your partner called you psychotic when you expressed your concerns?

Forget about your MIL. She is not your biggest problem.

starryeyed19 · 11/11/2018 01:18

I don't understand what you think you can do to make her behave differently. Aside from the material stuff like car seats and presents, is she actually treating your LO differently? How?

GreenTulips · 11/11/2018 10:04

GPs are like this with their own children's kids - MIL was closer to her daughters child than mine (sons kids)
I think you are more sensitive to it because it's an ex wife

Maybe she's stepped up to fill his role as father?

Do you keep toys etc for them at yours? Does he take them out and help with homework or is MIL doing those things?

Singlenotsingle · 11/11/2018 13:08

The GPS, in particular the DGM, is super excited when the first dgc comes along, and adores him to the moon and back. She invests a lot in that child and especially when he can talk and have a conversation. Then although she loves any other children that come along, he always has a special place in her heart.

Yours, unfortunately, is the third, and not only that, the mother is a different one when she already knows and has a bond with the first.

I would suggest you try to develop your own bond with MIL. Make sure she sees your Ds regularly and she will find a special little place in her heart for him as well.

She isn't like this deliberately. It's instinctive. It's not like when you have your own DC and you love them all the same.

Honeyroar · 11/11/2018 21:26

You sound like you don't like her much from what you've said, even during the times that you are speaking to her. You also sound a bit precious about your son. Those two things probably subconsciously push her towards her other grandchildren- especially while your son is so young. Once your new baby arrives and your attention shifts a bit you may find she spends more time with your son too.

PixieCutRegret · 11/11/2018 22:15

Your previous posts about your step son were absolutely shocking OP. I just wanted to scoop that little boy up and give him a cuddle, I'm so glad to hear that your step children are well looked after by thier grandmother.

I would imagine your MIL as as good a relationship as she is allowed with her DS (although may not be comfortable having an 18 month old overnight). I bet anything short of the grandmother being nc with your SC wouldn't be enough for you.

Your vendetta against your SC is deeply disturbing OP, I suggest you get some counselling and grow up or leave.

PixieCutRegret · 11/11/2018 22:15

*Her relationship with your ds

HeckyPeck · 12/11/2018 09:58

Yours, unfortunately, is the third

What a load of nonsense! I’m my grandmother’s sixth grandchild and she has always treated us all with love. Anyone who doesn’t have enough love to go around isn’t fit to be a grandma!

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