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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

MIL preference over my step children to 'our child'

122 replies

Saem12 · 29/09/2018 21:52

Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice or opinions on my situation and wether or not you think I'm paranoid. I have 2 step children, a girl aged 5 and a boy aged 4. Me and my fiance have a son together aged 18 months. (I'm also pregnant with our 2nd child). My MIL is very much involved in my step children lives, but not so much in our sons life (which is also her biological grandchild). She helps out a lot with SKs which I get because obviously my fiance and his ex are separated. But what hurts the most is that she seems to prefer SKs much more than our son. She doesn't show much interest in our son at all but is such a good grandmother to the other 2. She has them over night all the time. She's never had our son over night yet. Her house is filled with my SKs toys and there isn't any for my son. She also doesn't have a car seat for him, a toothbrush, clothes. All of which she has for our SKs. She never asks to see him but if she's not seen my step kids for a few days she misses them so much and has them over night. My feelings are so hurt I can't tell you. I dread seeing her because it's another reminder of how my son isn't loved or acknowledged by her. I don't know where to turn because I've mentioned it to my fiance and he goes mad saying his mum would never do that. I don't know if he's in denial about it or just doesn't care - because it's so obvisous! I spoke out last Christmas about this too her that she's really spoiled my step kids and not 'our son'. She cried and said she understood but nothing has changed. It's hurts me that she is so passionate about the other 2. Firstly I thought maybe it was because our son is only a baby at 18 months but I know she was good with the other 2 when they were his age. What should I do about this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA

OP posts:

Snappedandfarted2018 · 30/09/2018 09:56

Op literally got pregnant when the youngest was 1 she admits to not liking him and wishing he didn’t exist yet got pregnant again and is jealsous because the one person is a constant figure in their live makes sure she makes extra effort.

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 09:57

I think resenting the existence of a 3 year old and attempting to stir up doubts about paternity to get them out the picture IS pretty evil actually.

If I split with my partner, became NRP and immediately had another child with someone who wished my kids didn't exist I would fully expect my parents to step in and try to mitigate the damage done to their GC with whom they already had a relationship.

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 09:57

So ops child deserves to miss out because of the decisions op and her dp made?

That's nice. Its not the chillds fault.

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 09:58

I wouldn't know because i didnt advance search op. (Which apparently, isnt the done thing on MN anyway but...)

PartAnd · 30/09/2018 10:00

I think some of it is because you son is still very young, some might be bacause as a single Mum your MIL wants to help her out more, it might be because your son moved on very quickly, it might be because they were her first grandchildren and she really got to know them well early on as she just had them to think about.

I also suspect that she might be more nervous around you and scared to interfere, I would be nervous to do or say anything if someone called me out on not being a good GM when the baby was still tiny. I don’t know how old your baby was last Christmas when you confronted you MIL but I’m assuming he was still very much a baby! Most MIL are told to give wide birth to DILs babies at that age for fear of interfering old being overbearing.

I wouldn’t have a baby overnight at 18months unless it was an emergency especially if the mother was the type to take offence over things.

PartAnd · 30/09/2018 10:00

Sorry for typos etc

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 10:01

No but if there are tensions between the GP and the main carer of the child then it isn't necessarily going to be feasible for a close relationship to be fostered. Also OP's child lives full time with both parents so maybe the GM doesn't think she's needed as much there. It isn't uncommon for GPs to focus more on GC who they believe to be more in need.

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 10:04

You don't need to advance search to see the tiny age gap and work out that OP's partner had moved in with a new family whilst his existing kids were still babies and toddlers.

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 10:08

And thats the child's fault is it? That's a good reason why the child shouldn't have a decent relationship with its grandparent?

ourkidmolly · 30/09/2018 10:18

Maybe 4 grandchildren in 5 years from 1 son is stretching her grandmotherly instincts? She's invested in the first 2, possibly because she has sole charge or feels they've been disadvantaged in the split etc. Possibly she doesn't like you? That's going to affect the relationship with your children?
Just press on regardless and try to create your family unit. Things often change.

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 10:31

Of course it isn't the child's fault. But OP was NC for a while with MIL and liked it that way. It's unrealistic that a close GP relationship can be fostered in those circumstances, it doesn't have to be anybody's 'fault'.

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 10:36

And to be frank it doesn't sound like their own father treats them equally or well- doesn't have much contact, exposes them to an adult who resents them, moved on to new babies instead of concentrating on supporting them in the breakdown of their family unit. Why is their grandmother being held to a higher standard than one of their parents.

Belindabauer · 30/09/2018 10:36

I agree with what has been said. Her son moved on very quickly and has started another family whilst his two children were extremely young.
Sub consciously your mil might worry that yours too will be a broken home and she doesn't want to risk the pain of that again.

Your dp doesn't come out of this very well.
He can't even be bothered to buy his own mother a card and gift from HIS children! After everything she does for them , and therefore him, he sounds like a great catch.

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 10:45

Shes not being held to a higher standard but i dont believe its ok to have favourite grandchildren!

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 10:50

Do you not think that relationships with your grandchild often depend on your relationship with their parents though? Can you imagine Ops thread- 'I am currently no contact with my MIL but she is demanding to have my baby overnight?'

My MIL is very close to her daughter's kids but has never even met mine, because she has no relationship with her son. My parents have a closer relationship with my kids than one of my siblings, because I invite them to stuff, include them, facilitate it whereas my sibling isn't interested in family.

takeittakeit · 30/09/2018 11:06

flamingofridays - absolutely not the case.

The OP is giving a gilded version of events, time lines do not stack up and the whole woe is me and mine is quite tiring. She made her MIL cry after discussing her feeling with her - not about where MIL was coming from but all about her.

These kids exist as much as OP wishes them out of the way and their GM is doing a bloody good job of supporting them. Twice a month for such young kids to have contact with their Dad is pathetic - she is compensating for her feckless son.

MY DCs currently have a fab SM, why, she is with EX who alone knows and I do not care anymore. What I do know is the EX OW SM - was fecking evil, questioned paternity and much much more. MY MIL has stood by my children and they have a great bond with her. She has saved my sanity on more than one occasion and her relationship with her son and OW suffered immeasurably.
Roll on 4 yrs - EX left OW, he now has fab new partner and his relationship with his mother is now being rebuilt - will never be what it was. She likes new woman and she is getting to know her 2 other GCs from OW - it is in a different place and time to her relationship with mine but it is growing. Thank God, because she hated the situation where she was excluded.

OP needs to admit a few home truths and realise her fiancee is really not - a great father, son or EX.

PartAnd · 30/09/2018 11:12

This is a car crash for all the kids involved.

Really silly behaviour by the adults involved.

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 11:15

But twisted they all have the same dad so really there's no reason why she shouldn't treat them the same!

Its still irrelevant whether she agrees with what her son has done she shouldn't single out his new child. Having a relationship with ex and her kids doesnt mean she cant have a relationship with ops kids, she clearly doesnt want one.

OldShuck · 30/09/2018 11:15

I agree part a car crash for all kids involved.

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 11:20

Flaming OP has said on this thread that she was NC with MIL. How do you see and look after a baby regularly when the mother isn't speaking to you? They may have the same father, but they have different family units, different households, different mothers and different relationships with their father. It isn't surprising if they also have a different relationship with their GM.

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 11:25

Her dp wasnt nc? He could facilitate access? If she was interested you'd think she'd ask her son if she could see the baby?

Yes op might have said no but she could have asked.

HeckyPeck · 30/09/2018 11:30

One of mine was a "favorite", one was excluded. Who would know why. I just learned to live with it.

I wouldn’t learn to live with this. It’s awful for both children. Just look at the stately homes thread. In that scenario I’d say you either treat hem equally or you don’t see them at all in order to protect both children.

OP your DP isn’t coming across as a supportive partner or parent to any of his children. Also trying to convince you that you’re psychotic and the things you see aren’t real. That must be very hurtful. The way he’s been acting could be behind your resentment of the SCs. The brain often shifts negative feelings that are caused by people’s partners to their step kids. Once you’re aware of it it should help.

I wonder if you can picture what your life might be like with out him? Any bits that would be better?

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 11:37

She could have done lots of things. She could also have had her hands full picking up the slack for her useless son and felt that the GCs who only see their Dad twice a month and have a stepmum who resents them need her more at this point in time.

KnotsInMay · 30/09/2018 11:38

It is not ‘child abuse’

OP, with the best will in the world you do sound really ‘fuelled’ over this.

Your MIL cannot make up for the deficiencies in your own Mum.
She cannot replace your own experience with grandparents.
You seem to be expecting her to fulfill many things. You can’t dictate how she feels, and frankly, you starting upset and rows about it has probably made the situation worse.

She probably invests a lot in her older grandchildren because she knows she risks losing a relationship with them: that relationship is VERY dependent on the exDIL once a split has happened.

Calm down, take the relationship for what it is, let her spend time with your Dc without constant testing and comparison to see if she ‘loves them as much’.

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 11:40

twisted so were back to as long as the step kids are happy then fuck everyone else.

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