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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

MIL preference over my step children to 'our child'

122 replies

Saem12 · 29/09/2018 21:52

Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice or opinions on my situation and wether or not you think I'm paranoid. I have 2 step children, a girl aged 5 and a boy aged 4. Me and my fiance have a son together aged 18 months. (I'm also pregnant with our 2nd child). My MIL is very much involved in my step children lives, but not so much in our sons life (which is also her biological grandchild). She helps out a lot with SKs which I get because obviously my fiance and his ex are separated. But what hurts the most is that she seems to prefer SKs much more than our son. She doesn't show much interest in our son at all but is such a good grandmother to the other 2. She has them over night all the time. She's never had our son over night yet. Her house is filled with my SKs toys and there isn't any for my son. She also doesn't have a car seat for him, a toothbrush, clothes. All of which she has for our SKs. She never asks to see him but if she's not seen my step kids for a few days she misses them so much and has them over night. My feelings are so hurt I can't tell you. I dread seeing her because it's another reminder of how my son isn't loved or acknowledged by her. I don't know where to turn because I've mentioned it to my fiance and he goes mad saying his mum would never do that. I don't know if he's in denial about it or just doesn't care - because it's so obvisous! I spoke out last Christmas about this too her that she's really spoiled my step kids and not 'our son'. She cried and said she understood but nothing has changed. It's hurts me that she is so passionate about the other 2. Firstly I thought maybe it was because our son is only a baby at 18 months but I know she was good with the other 2 when they were his age. What should I do about this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA

OP posts:

MardyMavis · 30/09/2018 11:42

Poor stepkids they are really young, and their dad fucked off and had another kid straight away and now has yet another on the way....his mum probably feels guilty and embarrassed by her son and feels she has to help out as their mum is now a single mum.

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 11:42

Also it doesn't appear that OP's partner actually agrees that his mother is playing favourites. Given that OP resented a then 3 year old seeing his father twice a month because he was a boy like her baby I'm not sure her version of fairness is necessarily one that can be trusted.

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 11:48

I don't think possibly providing more practical support with GC who have a single parent whose father doesn't see them much and who have been through a lot of disruption is saying 'fuck everybody else', it's going where you are needed.

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 11:52

So because shes not "needed" by op she doesnt need to have a relationship with her grandchild?

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 12:05

I've not said that, just that relationships won't always be exactly the same when it comes to separated families and grandparents. In this case there isn't even equality between the children and their FATHER, and OP has objected to the limited amount of time they spend with him so clearly happy for inequality of children when it favours hers. So the MIL that you don't like and go NC with not having a carseat for your baby? Meh.

Branleuse · 30/09/2018 12:07

All sounds very fast moving to have a 4 year old with one woman and an 18mth old with you. Were you the OW? and more specifically did you get together whilst his ex was pregnant or just when your stepkid was a baby?
Im wondering if its more to do with the fact she doesnt approve of you, than the children.
Im not saying this is OK either, but it might shed some light on it. She might feel really sorry for the stepchildren if she feels like her son abandoned them

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 30/09/2018 12:17

Having read some of that other thread and the thoughts of others, I don't think it would be unjust if your MIL simply doesn't like you. Consequently she struggles to spend time with your dc because it means having to see you. You sound incredibly self centred and immature. They way you talk about his older children makes them sound nothing more than an inconvenience to you and your family life. I feel deeply sorry for his older children and your MIL.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 30/09/2018 12:17

So because shes not "needed" by op she doesnt need to have a relationship with her grandchild?

She has a relationship. But the child concerned is only 18 months old. Inevitably, that will be a different relationship than with a 4 or 5 year old. Even more inevitably, it will be a relationship which is shaped, at least in part, by the mother. And it is very clear that the ex is happy to facilitate a relationship and the OP is more interested in trying to get one over on the ex and criticise any attempt at a relationship with the new grandchild. Maybe being told you’re not good enough is enough to make you back away rather than attempt to step up? Perhaps she’s doing what she can and if it’s not good enough, then backing away is all she can do.

The OP needs to recognise that she has played a part in this. As does her partner. It is not just the grandmother.

TeaForTiger · 30/09/2018 12:19

Gosh what a mess, poor kids.

I know it's all too late now but, why not just wait and give his children time to adjust and settle in their new set up and give you all a chance to bond?

Fingers crossed it all works out and you and your DP stay together (given that you nearly split up less than a year ago), otherwise that's even more change for the kids to deal with.

I wonder if their Mum will go on to have more children, throwing even more half/step siblings/parents into the mix.

I can see why your MIL would be protective over her first set of GC, but yes she should be treating them all the same ideally.

A load of adults behaving badly, with kids suffering the consequences.

funinthesun18 · 30/09/2018 12:22

It’s ok for this grandparent to treat her biological grandchildren differently, but imagine if this was the op’s Mum treating the children differently. Eg if a grandparent only bothered with their biological grandchildren and shunned the other children. There would be uproar!
To some people it seems like they think the world should revolve around certain children.

swingofthings · 30/09/2018 12:38

Funny, your getting this all wrong. Of course it is unfair on OP's kid, that's not the debate going on. The issue is that some actions from ourselves drive actions from others. You can badly hurting people in the process and then except these people to treat you equally and cry when they don't. Sadly OP's son is paying for her actions. It's not fair but no worse than the step kids paying emotionally for the actions of their parents and OP's.

HandlebarTash81 · 30/09/2018 12:56

Shit OP, tell me that you didn’t level an accusation of child abuse at your MIL when you made her cry?

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 13:04

But swing thats what the thread is about..

By saying ops son is "paying for her actions" youre saying what MIL is doing is fine, when its not.

She might hate op, fine. Be the bigger person and stop ignoring an 18 month old to make your point.

swingofthings · 30/09/2018 14:53

No I'm saying he is the victim of circumstances caused by his family just as the step children are. You seem troubled by the impact of these consequences on the younger kid but not bothered about the impact on the eldest.

No one, and certainly not OP can make her MIL feel differently about her child the same the MIL can't make op care about her step children.

flamingofridays · 30/09/2018 15:12

This is about the MIL. Not about what op and her dp have done and the fact they have had children quickly.

I think the MIL is being unfair treating them differently. Apparently, thats fine according to MN.

Also MIL is a blood relation to this child. Not a step relation so it's entirelu different

CesiraAndEnrico · 30/09/2018 15:42

I think the MIL is being unfair treating them differently

You haven't heard a single word from her perspective. The OP cannot be described as having made very visible efforts to present an unbiased version of the whole truth, from all perspectives.

The MIL's motivations for keeping some distance could be entirely understandable. If she fears bonding with children who she strongly suspects could end up low to no contact with her, then on a human level you can understand why she isn't throwing herself in at the deep end of attachment. The outcome could be heartbreaking for her and awful for children who end up with a space where the granny they were so close to used to be.

Humans instinctively protect themselves from pain if they are anticipating it. If the OP reveals even a fraction of her struggle to see things from more than just her POV in real life, then MIL isn't being paranoid to see potential heartbreak (via the loss of her grandchildren) on the horizon. Not least because the first strike of going NC has already happened and the OP had made it very clear she only reconciled because she was made to. That will only have reinforced any fears Grandma may have had.

It's a horrible situation, but the MIL, while imperfect because we all are, doesn't stand out in the OP's description of her as a habitually unloving woman, or somebody who goes out of her way to create bad feeling with her DILs. Which means the OP features in here somewhere as part of the problem.

That's good news. We have a lot more control over finding solutions and making things better than they are when our own behaviour is a contributory factor. Cos the one person we get to exert total control over is ourself. It's so much harder when it's all somebody else's fault cos you can't do anything to make other people change course.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 30/09/2018 15:59

Given how op he treated her step children I hazard a guess she’s been rather unkind about mil, she seems to be jealsous of any interaction her step children have abiet with her dp or her mil. She’s already made her cry and gone nc. I doubt very much she likes her tbh I wouldn’t entertain having a relationship with someone like op either she’s vile unfortunately she’s that child’s mother and therefore it’s unrealistic to form the same time of relationship she had with her older two dc. Ops child is still only a baby. Personally if one of my dc partners couldn’t treat me with basic respect which I suspect op hasn’t I wouldn’t be wanting to be in their company either.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/09/2018 16:08

I’m off the idea that she is not discriminating against your child, she just has had the other 2 around for longer and they are at an age when they are more interactive and independent than an 18 month old.

As for her not having equipment for your baby at home, if she doesn’t care for him regularly on her own, why would she? Your son has not had yet enough opportunities to surround her with his own clutter.

Car seats are expensive especially those for babies/ younger kids, I would say if you want her to have one, you need to pay for it, it will be wrong not to.

And stop referí g to their mum as the “bio”’mum, you are step mum, she is just mum, trying to make it sound as if she was a mum who gave birth and has had no participation in raising those children (that’s how the term is used) tells a lot about how much you resent her and her kids.

takeittakeit · 01/10/2018 00:38

The OP was NC with the GM for quite some time.

Can make fostering a relationship with a GC quite difficult.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 01/10/2018 01:29

MIL is probably trying to compensate for her grandkids having to go through this upheaval.

She sounds like she's doing a great job making them secure and happy.

swingofthings · 01/10/2018 05:45

No one has said that what the MIL was doing was right and fair. What some people have said is that OP's actions and behaviour might have contributed to it by acting the same way she is accusing her MIL.

Its no surprise her OH can't see it since it seems he also can't see how badly OP is treating his other children. Maybe if she could start accepting her SCs and welcoming them in her life, MIL might become more in line to do the same with her 3rd and then 4th grand child.

Bibidy · 01/10/2018 11:00

OP I have the exact same worries about my own situation if I were ever to have a child with my OH.

He has 2 children with his ex, and his mum is still very close to her. I can't help but think my situation would be exactly the same as yours, particularly as her current 4 grandchildren are all very similar in age and any I have would be significantly younger (at 6 years minimum).

It's a horrible situation to be in because it's one thing to be treated like second best by your partner's family yourself, but to see that happen to you child must be heartbreaking.

funinthesun18 · 01/10/2018 12:42

Maybe if she could start accepting her SCs and welcoming them in her life, MIL might become more in line to do the same with her 3rd and then 4th grand child.

Or, she could just be the bigger person maybe?

HeckyPeck · 01/10/2018 13:28

My Nan didn’t like all of her children’s partner’s but she’s always treated all her grandchildren equally because she’s not a horrible person.

rainingcatsanddog · 01/10/2018 16:22

It would be interesting to hear the dad, ex and MIL's point of view here.

It's interesting that the Dad is happy with his mum.

Having read the link to your previous post OP, it sounds highly likely that the gran is making up for OP's dislike of the kids. It's a massive shame that she sees them frequently but Dad only has them twice a month.

As a grandparent you can't be close with your grandchild if you're not close to the parent. As others said I think that it's very likely that her feelings towards you has led her to become less involved with your son. You can't make her cry if she hasn't done anything.

I wouldn't be surprised if the mum secretly wishes that her ex MIL was less needy of her kids time

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