Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

MIL preference over my step children to 'our child'

122 replies

Saem12 · 29/09/2018 21:52

Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice or opinions on my situation and wether or not you think I'm paranoid. I have 2 step children, a girl aged 5 and a boy aged 4. Me and my fiance have a son together aged 18 months. (I'm also pregnant with our 2nd child). My MIL is very much involved in my step children lives, but not so much in our sons life (which is also her biological grandchild). She helps out a lot with SKs which I get because obviously my fiance and his ex are separated. But what hurts the most is that she seems to prefer SKs much more than our son. She doesn't show much interest in our son at all but is such a good grandmother to the other 2. She has them over night all the time. She's never had our son over night yet. Her house is filled with my SKs toys and there isn't any for my son. She also doesn't have a car seat for him, a toothbrush, clothes. All of which she has for our SKs. She never asks to see him but if she's not seen my step kids for a few days she misses them so much and has them over night. My feelings are so hurt I can't tell you. I dread seeing her because it's another reminder of how my son isn't loved or acknowledged by her. I don't know where to turn because I've mentioned it to my fiance and he goes mad saying his mum would never do that. I don't know if he's in denial about it or just doesn't care - because it's so obvisous! I spoke out last Christmas about this too her that she's really spoiled my step kids and not 'our son'. She cried and said she understood but nothing has changed. It's hurts me that she is so passionate about the other 2. Firstly I thought maybe it was because our son is only a baby at 18 months but I know she was good with the other 2 when they were his age. What should I do about this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA

OP posts:

rainingcatsanddog · 29/09/2018 22:01

There's nothing you can do if your h won't back you up. I know that this is hard to hear as it's a matter of time before your son notices and asks.

Does MIL get along with your husband's ex? Is the ex's mum involved? How involved is your mum? Does the ex have a partner?

Original poster

Saem12 · 29/09/2018 22:23

My step children's bio mum has a really nice family. The ex's mum and dad help out loads with the children. And no the ex doesn't have a new partner yet. My MIL seems to have a good relationship with the ex as well. Which is strange because it annoys my fiance as they didn't end it on good terms. She basically cheated on him he forgave her, then she left him because she wanted to 'focus on herself more'. And MIL seems to fully facilitate that as she helps out with the children so much. But she doesn't help out me the woman who is actually with her son. I just don't understand her.

OP posts:

Ylvamoon · 29/09/2018 22:31

Could it be an age thing? 18 months is still very young...

I remember my MIL never having DS at that age. He was a lively little * and into everything! She did have my nieces and nephews quite a lot. It did feel really unfair at the time, but I kind of understood. In fact she didn't start having him till he was 5 and a bit more sensible (I'm a wild 5 year old way).

Fucksgiven · 29/09/2018 22:35

Maybe her life is just full?

LanaorAna2 · 29/09/2018 22:40

Please don't shriek at me - but could MIL be helping out more with the DSCs because their DM needs time out? She's a single parent and not everyone loves or needs that pressure in their lives.

It might be a compliment that she doesn't take DS so much - maybe not a compliment you want to get.

Doghorsechicken · 29/09/2018 22:45

It’s probably an age thing, he might just be a bit young yet. Maybe she’s getting on a bit to be looking after an 18 month old. I’ve seen a lot of threads on mumsnet where mums seem really possessive of their babies & don’t like other people holding them so perhaps you give that vibe? It’s hard to say without witnessing it.

Original poster

Saem12 · 29/09/2018 22:53

Lanaorana2 - yes that could well be why she helps out with them so much. But that shouldn't take away from getting to know her other grandson. She knows nothing about him and isn't showing any intentions of doing. Thanks for your in put it means a lot in just trying to figure out why. I had such a close relationship with my grandparents growing up. I want the same for my son. But sadly he's not going to have it as my mum isn't the best. My heart just breaks I feel like there are some people out there dying to be grandparents that would cherish my son like every child should be. My son is so passive and easy going, he hardly ever cries and is just a pleasure to spend time with. He has a smile that would melt a thousand hearts. I wish I could show you a picture of him. I'm actually crying as I type this I am so stupid, it's the pregnancy hormones!

OP posts:

TwistedStitch · 29/09/2018 22:58

Does she disapprove of her son moving on and having another child? I'm not defending her but the other children are still very young for him to already have a toddler with someone else, maybe she feels extra protective of them because she feels they have had to deal with a lot of disruption.

Starlight345 · 29/09/2018 23:02

What does your dp say about it ?

Original poster

Saem12 · 29/09/2018 23:04

She didn't voice that she disapproved but it could be likely that she did. Maybe that's why hasn't bonded with my son.

OP posts:

flamingofridays · 29/09/2018 23:08

My in laws are the same. Fuck them! Their loss. I have little to do with them now and if they ever wanted to have ds over night theyd get told where to go.

Original poster

Saem12 · 29/09/2018 23:08

Starlight my DP says that I am totally wrong that his mother would never do such a thing, and that she loves them all the same. And that I am phsycotic for what I have said. We even nearly broke up over the whole thing last Christmas and he was so angry with me. He thinks his mother can do no wrong and he doesn't see what I see. She is certainly not whiter than white. She had an affair with her next door neighbour for years who was her children's godfather and family friend. That's not a nice woman surely.

OP posts:

Original poster

Saem12 · 29/09/2018 23:12

Flamingofridays we weren't speaking for a while. And that's the way I liked it. But DP didn't like that and it caused so many arguments. Me and the MIL ended up speaking again.......

OP posts:

flamingofridays · 29/09/2018 23:21

He sounds a bit pathetic tbh. If he sided with his mother against me I'd be gone.

Original poster

Saem12 · 29/09/2018 23:30

Yeah tbh I hate how he wants me and his mother to be all happy families. I don't think it was about who he sided with tbh I think he just doesn't want any arguments and to keep the peace.

OP posts:

Fucksgiven · 29/09/2018 23:36

How did you end up with him when his youngest was so young?

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 29/09/2018 23:40

My initial thought is that MIL is scared of losing contact with the SK as the mother is no longer with her son, and so is very involved in order to prevent this. Her reaction of getting upset makes me thinks this isn't from a place of malice. She obviously cares about you and your DC enough to cry about you feeling she is not being fair towards him. I would maybe try and get her involved a bit more by inviting her to do things with him or maybe asking if she could have him more often?

HandlebarTash81 · 29/09/2018 23:55

She probably got very invested in her son’s first marriage and children. People do and consequently, she’s close to the kids.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 30/09/2018 00:04

It doesn’t sound like you’re particular close with each other and quite judgemental about her affair which tbh I didn’t see the relevance in meantioning. It sounds like you do t have the same relationship with each other that she has with the ex and therefore by default she hasn’t be able to build the same relationship with your ds. I must add it seems all very quick one toddler and one on the way whilst he still has a 4 and 5 year old, maybe she’s keen to still maintain relationship with her two grandchildren because their parents are no longer together.

SD1978 · 30/09/2018 00:08

It sounds as if you got pregnant quite soon after meeting him, given the age of his youngest, and you are soon to have another one? There could be a few things- maybe she thinks he jumped into a new relationship very quickly, or maybe she juts prefers and finds older children easier? 18months is still young. A 4 & 5 year old are easier, and they can entertain themselves a bit easier than a young toddler. How often do you go and see her, or vice versa? If they are staying there every few days- when to the children actually stay with their father? It doesn't particularly sound as if you spend much time with them?

BackforGood · 30/09/2018 00:23

Agree with most. a 4 and 5 yr old are MUCH easier to look after / have overnight than an 18month old.
Plus, being involved and supporting your OH's ex, means she is much more likely to be able to keep seeing her grandchildren and having regular contact and a good relationship with them, rather than it becoming difficult.
I too was thinking you must have had a child with her son very soon after he split with his wife, if their younger dc is now only 4 and your eldest is 18months.... maybe she is struggling with that a bit?

SandyY2K · 30/09/2018 00:29

As you've mentioned it and she agreed and cried about it...there's nothing more you can do.

I would have said it could be an age thing to. 18 months is still young. I also agree that he moved on quickly which she may disapprove of.

Try and ensure your children have a good relationship with your mum.

You don't have the power to change this situation...so focus on what you can change or it'll eat you up.

Original poster

Saem12 · 30/09/2018 00:37

So let me get this straight... if she dissaproves of her son moving on too quickly, then that means she's not going to have any contact with the child? But remains to be a doting grandmother to the other 2. That's child abuse. Say what you like about us but our son is innocent in all this. Yes we did have a child fairly quickly together. (2 And a half years later). And what is the point you are getting at with this?

OP posts:

CarolDanvers · 30/09/2018 00:43

That's child abuse.

no it isn't. And your step children's Mum is not "bio" Mum, she's just Mum.

Original poster

Saem12 · 30/09/2018 00:44

Plus MIL and the ex can't be that close as she didn't even get her a birthday card from the children, I did. Or a birthday card from herself. They don't meet for coffee, stop and have a chat in the house etc. I think their relationship is purely based around the children. Mine and MIL relationship got a bit awkward after I spoke to her about my feelings. Maybe your right she doesn't feel comfortable having him. I think she should make more effort though. It's her and her grandchilds relationship at the end of the day. It's an important thing if you ask me. I have tried to include her in things and asked her to have him. I'm not going to beg her to spend some time with my child. I guess she just doesn't want to for what ever reason

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5