Step families and finances

[AliceRR]

Interested to know how this works in other families where one partner has children and the other doesn’t.

My SH has two sons, 13 and 15. He pays 20% earnings to their mother as CSM.

We don’t currently have joint finances. We both work, earn a similar amount, and pay 50% towards all joint expenses (mortgage, bills, etc) which we pay into a joint account that the DDs go out of.

Although we earn similar (DH actually earns slightly more) he pays CSM and is paying off debts so he has a lot less money on a monthly basis but that’s largely as he is prioritising paying off debts. I have more disposable income.

DH thinks we should have a joint account. I have always resisted this as thinking I’m not ready and said that if I did I’d want to keep some money aside as I don’t want to pay towards CSM.

Anyone I have spoken to agrees CSM is his responsibility although when they are with us I share cost of everything and we pay 50:50 into the house.

What do you think? AIBU to feel like o lose out by sharing everything. We are a couple and things change over the years but sometimes I feel like I’m always the one who loses out...

This is maybe not just a step parent issue but that’s a large part of it.

Signed up not dinged!

I've read some of the thread, but not all, so apologies if this has already been said.

You payment of wedding costs is a sunk cost - like buying a fancy holiday. IT IS NOT THE SAME AS PAYING A MORTGAGE COST ON A JOINTLY OWNED HOUSE. Please get that part of the finances sorted tomorrow. I am not joking - you have been stitched over totally. You need to deal with this really quickly.

Yes OP is the house in your name too?

My fiancée and I have separate finances and a joint account.

He pays maintenance for DSD from his wage and does not expect me to contribute to that - as you and other people have put it is not right for a step mother to contribute to maintenance as the step children are the responsibility of their Mother and father.

When my DSD comes to stay with us I do contribute towards days out, food, clothes, birthday and Christmas presents and holidays but that’s about it.

I do have a baby with my fiancée and we have a joint house and I have a house that I rent out (could not sell it a few years back so decided to rent it) I cover the cost of my house and I also pay half towards our joint house. My disposable income has reduced dramatically due to being on mat leave and as a result I do spend less on my DSD and we are not going on holiday this year. I will be returning to work though when my baby turns one :-(

Although we have joint accounts and a joint house we also have separate finances due to him having a child with someone else. However, he understands that his first child is his responsibility just as much as our child is our responsibility. He has never asked for me to contribute to his daughter and any money I have contributed is done of my own free will.

If I were you I would keep a separate account for your wage and have a joint account for bills, mortgage etc and pay 50% of these. I would also ask to have the house put into joint names as you are paying for half of it and paid for the wedding. If he refuses to do this unless you pay towards his maintenance. Then stop paying for 50% of everything and instead pay him rent as a lodger which when worked out will be a lot less than what you’re paying at the moment! This will also reduce at the point you go on Mat leave due to your income being reduced and as he will be the main breadwinner at that point he will then have to support you and his child with you.

I know the above sounds harsh but it does sound like your OH is being a cheeky sod, you’re not responsible for his other children as a parent or financially and to ask you to support them is not on. I would also say the same if you were a man in this situation as well!

@greenlanes DH always said that he would share the house 50:50 when we got married. No mention of me paying half of equity. After we got married and I had paid for the wedding (which he was going to give me a contribution to) he said that paying for the wedding was my contribution. Obviously I saw that as unfair anyway as that’s not what we’d agreed and he changed it later but at the very least I consider I have paid an amount equal to have the equity. On what basis do u think this would be disregarded if it came to it? I don’t know much about divorce settlements and the law in that area.

@Faerie87 this is pretty much what we do except house is still in his name

The mortgage should be in both your names. I wouldn't rely on being married.

See a solicitor asap!

@shumpalumpa I agree but I think it’s more the house that needs to be in joint names not just the mortgage. He has said we can do that so we will have to. Reason we put it off is DH has a good mortgage deal and be thought it might be recalculated if I was to go on it.

This is not about suiting me but suiting my OH. He didn't begrudge a minute losing out financìally to be with me and accepted I came with money.

I'm sorry but you come across to me as if you want it all your way. You want the benefit of sharing that comes with marriage but not sharing when it comes to his kids. What would you do if suddenly you realise that you absolutely can't face going back to work FT after you've had your baby and decide to reduce your hours? How would you feel if he said that you'd still had to pay 50% of everything so that you were left with no disposable income whilst he had enough to treat all his kids as he wishes.

I think once you commit to marriage there isn't mine and yours any longer but ours.

think once you commit to marriage there isn't mine and yours any longer but ours.

Yes, except step children!!!

I would say the exact same to a man in OP's situation. I.e:

You don't have to pay your husband/wife's maintenance or debts for them. Particularly when said husband/wife is expecting you to pay all of their debt repayments so they can stay at home, tricked you into paying for all the wedding and makes you pay for all of the food and you're already paying more than half of the costs when the kids aren't with you.

Re the paying parent's rent/mortgage surely that would only come out of joint funds if both people had an equal say in the decision (which isn't comparable to maintenance/debt) and I wouldn't think badly of someone who didn't want to do that.

Your husband is trying to trick you.

You are a stepmother. That's very different to mother and father. Parents pay for their kids but also get important jobs like choosing a school which step parents don't participate in. His kids are his responsibility. If you split up, you being a stepmother won't be recognized with rights to see them etc

CMS is definitely not your responsibility and it's good that you are not enabling him to shirk that responsibility by becoming a SAHD.

I haven’t read all the responses.

Firstly, it doesn’t matter whose name the mortgage (the debt) is in. Your interest in the house needs to be registered legally via the land regristy. You should do this via a conveyancing solicitor.

I’m a DSM, here’s how we do it.....

My OH pays his child maintenance himself (not upto me to pay it, nor would he ever ask).

We have our own individual accounts, which our salaries are paid into and a joint account. We pay a % of our net pay into the account to pay our joint living expenses (mortgage, food, bills, meals out etc). Of course, out of this we pay for food, days out etc with the kids. But he pays for clothes for example for the kids.

I bring considerable assets into the relationship (and we are soon to be married). My OH has signed a pre-nup which means that all the assets I bring into the marriage remain mine (I have a BTL property portfolio, I paid the deposit on the house we live in, I have savings and investments) these are all are protected.

It was actually his own solicitor who suggested this as he has a ‘nominal spousal maintenance’ clause in his divorce finances with his EW. Should she ‘fall on hard times’ until the youngest child is 18, she can come come after him for spousal maintenance and when we’re married our finances would typically be viewed as joint. In our case, they aren’t.

You should do what’s fair to you.

Will the pre-nup hold water in court, Northern?

I've been married years and we keep separate finances and this is one of the reasons. OH pays his CM before we work out who pays what every month and he mostly pays less % than me as I earn more, but I'm not directly contributing to CM and never have done. There really doesn't seem to be any financial benefit to you at all in what he's proposing, I definitely wouldn't agree to it! Based on what youve said I would worry as well that he'd start spending more as he has access to more, and therefore you're effectively left picking up his CM out of your salary.

Don't do it!

honestly i think you are acting like a child, what if you and your husband split up and you got another boyfriend/husband, would you then ask that new partner to contribute half of all outgoings e.g gas, water, food etc of which are used by your child that their father isn't paying for. IMO when you get married you share the GOOD and the BAD and finances are included in that, please don`t count the wedding in these kind of things if you say you want to make everything fair then you should have paid half anyway.

I do disagree with previous posters who say you should contribute to the maintenance.

1. If you and your husband were to split up and you moved in with someone else, more than likely they would go 50/50 on the bills with you, but you should also receive a maintenance payment from the ex husband in order to pay for extras. Also I know some men who have moved in with mothers who pay their share less the cost to feed and clothe the mothers children, which can also be classed as fair as that responsibility should be picked up by the children’s biological parents.

1. When DSC are staying with you, as their step parent you will probably be paying 50% towards the roof over their head, food, clothes and activities. As mentioned above you don’t have to do this, but in my situation and with my DSD I do this and my DSD has a room in mine and my fiancées joint house, I buy food and cook for her and go half’s on clothes for her that more often than not get sent back with her to her mums never to be seen again! We also go half’s on holidays and summer activities for her too.

My opinion is that maintenance payments are the responsibility of the parents who have parental responsibility and not of step parents. There are loads of other ways step parents could choose to pay for their step children as I have mentioned above but maintenance should not be one of them, unless the step parent adopted the child and gained parental responsibility.

*think once you commit to marriage there isn't mine and yours any longer but ours.

Yes, except step children!!!*
How convenient isn't it? A SM shouldn't have to support her OH financially when it comes to his children, but turn it around, she comes with children, is on a low income, and of how dare her OH not help her. Lets remember all the threads when posters complained that their partner wouldn't help them financially because they only worked PT and everyone shouted 'leave him, he is a selfish scum, he committed to you, he should take on your children too'.

This is what I hate about this board, the massive double standard about men expected to take on women's children as if they are their own, but the other way around and women shouldn't have to share anything for his children.

Women should be entitled to protect their income and assets but men should share everything they have. Long way from a society who believes in equality between sexes with that attitude.

Why does only his 13 year old come over? Does he see his 15 year old?

also you knew he had children before you got married and you also knew he was paying for the children. When you get married you take on each others responsibility's. i agree with pp about the double standards though.

You are a stepparent not a parent. You shouldn’t be contributing to maintenance.

But I don’t think you are remotely on the same page about finances.

Maybe I missed it but how are you going to sort the issue of living in a two bed house with three kids? The stepkids won't exactly want to share with a baby. That would probably be my biggest worry.

Our situation is almost identical to yours and I won’t have a joint account; I happily pay for half when DSD is with us but i don’t see CSM as my responsibility.
Also I know I’m mumsnet theres a lot to talk about how finances should be joint but I don’t agree. I like having my own bank account and knowing what is mine to spend.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Luckily my DH doesn’t pay anything over and above CSM although I know many who do!

This made me wince, can you really not imagine how it would be, be the children's mother in that case? It is what it is, but to say luckily....ouch

And then I read Yes exactly he wouldn’t be paying any CSM so his ex wouldn’t get any contribution from him

Oh dear, couldn't quite believe what i had read, went back to the thread to check and saw what @Snappedandfarted2018 said, which summed it up for me

Wow how can you be with someone and have a child with themwhen he’s so happy to come a sahd because he would be better off as he wouldn’t have to pay CM regardless if she’s got a wealthy husband those dc deserve better than a waste of space father. What good qualities does he really have op because he seems to work things so they suit him and not anyone else.

This ^

He is a good dad and he does love his kids. Oh, well, in that case, arranging his life to avoid contributing to them is entirely understandable

He has this idea that he has always been on his own financially but it does sometimes seem like he relies on me a lot. He sometimes acts like I’m asking a lot for him to pay his share of things but he must be better off than when he lived in this house alone as I now share all bills and mortgage.

OK

Where is money going to come from for things the baby needs?

And how long will he be prepared to contribute to it? That what i would be concerned about in this scenario.

I saw that as unfair anyway as that’s not what we’d agreed and he changed it later but

I would also be concerned that he would go back on his word about other things, you know, like this£

Sorry , OP, I really don't know what to suggest

I would like to point out that if I was to split up with my fiancée, I would not expect any new man to pay for my child that I have with him.

I would probably move to my own place, and even if I only worked part time I would receive benefits and probably charge any new partner rent to live at my property as well as receiving maintenance payments from my child’s father.

I would never expect any new man to pay for a child that was not his, if he wanted to pay towards that child that would be his choice but I would never expect it.

I don’t think it’s sexist at all, in most circumstances the resident parent is the mother, if the mother was to find a new partner who was to live with them than that partner will be contributing to the household, whether he/she decides to pay rent to the mother or contribute 50/50.

If we had residency of DSD it would be the same situation, however my partner would then get maintenance from the child’s mother.

I don’t think any man or woman should be expected to pay for a child that is not theirs. If they want to contribute to that child when that child is staying with them then that’s up to the individual. I certainly don’t think a step parent who has no parental rights or responsibility should pay towards maintenance.