Step families and finances

[AliceRR]

Interested to know how this works in other families where one partner has children and the other doesn’t.

My SH has two sons, 13 and 15. He pays 20% earnings to their mother as CSM.

We don’t currently have joint finances. We both work, earn a similar amount, and pay 50% towards all joint expenses (mortgage, bills, etc) which we pay into a joint account that the DDs go out of.

Although we earn similar (DH actually earns slightly more) he pays CSM and is paying off debts so he has a lot less money on a monthly basis but that’s largely as he is prioritising paying off debts. I have more disposable income.

DH thinks we should have a joint account. I have always resisted this as thinking I’m not ready and said that if I did I’d want to keep some money aside as I don’t want to pay towards CSM.

Anyone I have spoken to agrees CSM is his responsibility although when they are with us I share cost of everything and we pay 50:50 into the house.

What do you think? AIBU to feel like o lose out by sharing everything. We are a couple and things change over the years but sometimes I feel like I’m always the one who loses out...

This is maybe not just a step parent issue but that’s a large part of it.

We absolutely love each other but we clearlubhave different ideas about what is fair.

I am not encouraging him to give up work and be a SAHD so all of those criticising me for that need to re-read my post. I want him to keep working.

Thank you for the advice all.

@ShumpaLumpa yes his CSM and debt would come out of joint account. It would be more than £300 as he has a credit card as well and I know he wants to prioritise paying off debts even faster but that obviously is something he can only do that with my income as well.

OP, that means you would be paying at least an extra £350pm each month towards his CMS and debts. (You say debts are actually more).

That £350pm saved up each month will be a nice nest egg for you or your DC.

Is the house in both your names?

I couldn't watch the man i say i love (enough to marry)struggle to make ends meet every month while i had disposable income.

I don't understand why anyone with dependent children would marry someone who doesn't love their kids

Money is nothing to do with love. You can love your stepchildren and still not be a doormat when it comes to finances - or anything else for that matter.

I'd be very wary of anyone who wanted to share accounts with me when he brings so much less to the table. I'd also be wary of a man who says, "I know, I'll stop work and then I won't have to pay for any of my children."

OP, I don't like this man!

Bloody hell you've had some bizarre replies to this! Saying you don't love each other - very weird extrapolation there

Anywho, in your circs with him having over £300 debt repayments plus the CSM, plus making you pay for all the wedding and not putting you on the house, plus you paying for most of the food, I'd 100% keep separate finances. Even after the baby, just make sure all baby expenses are included in the joint expenses.

If he was SAHD would he expect you to pay all his debt repayments out of your salary?

@shumpalumpa yes it would be about £750 minimum

My issue is that he isn’t going to have any more money when baby arrives. Where is money going to come from for things the baby needs? After debts are paid, is he going to help me build savings for me or our child? No he then suggests we would start building joint savings. Like I said in a couple of years his kids will want driving lessons and a car so are any savings then going to go on his kids? Is my child always going to miss our? Maybe I’m escalating but I am concerned.

House is in his name

@GoldenWolfFleece he doesn’t struggle. He pays off a lot towards his debts (not the minimum, he prioritises paying as much as poss) and then let’s me pay everything for the rest of the month.

@HeckyPeck you always do get some strange posts on MN!

Yes I’d be paying everything. It’s not as if he has any savings put aside.

Paying only £400 a month when he takes home 2.5 k a month isn't much at all so for that you are being unfair.

I hope you aren't planning on reducing it when your baby arrives.

Luckily my DH doesn’t pay anything over and above CSM although I know many who do!

Lucky for who exactly? It doesn't matter whether his ex is married to a millionaire or not. He has children that he is responsible for which includes paying towards their upkeep.

@SillySallySingSongs The amount of CSM he pays is nothing to do with me and not what this is about but thanks for your input 😄

Hey op, I'm in same boat I earn more. I would never ever have a joint account with my dp. He understands why, some is to do with being screwed over in a previous relationship and some is due to his monthly costs eg kids and debt. He is fine with it and would never expect me to pay.

If you had to pay £400 maintenance each month and £300 debt from joint account each month then I bet your DH would have thought twice about having joint finances with you
You are wrong. By the time I counted all my outgoings that he didn't have, he was about £800 better off than me, so he paid proportionally more so we could have the same disposable income.

I wonder how the response would go of OP had posted 'my husband and I earn the same. My parents have just told me that their house is going to be repossessed unless someone helps them pay their mortgage, so I've started to give them £500 a month. As a result, my disposable income is much less than my husband but when I brought this up, he said that it was my parents and nothing to do with him and it was fair that he had more money even though he will pay half when we take them out.

I bet most posters would have responded that OP was doing the right thing and that her OH was selfish.

Once again, I think this a thread that shows the sexism in responses. Men should be prepared to share everything with their spouse, but women should protect their money and any men who has less is useless.

@swingofthings If I was giving my parents £500 per month it would come out of my money, not DHs. Maybe the difference is I wouldn’t expect him to support my family. You are lucky if you have an arrangement you are happy with.

I think you’re being unfair.

If you want to be a team once you’re baby arrives then that includes making sure everyone who is part of the family is equally supported.

My DP earns about 4 times as much as I do. If we moved in together there’s no way I could live with him while he was able to buy himself and his DCs everything they want, while my DCs and I had to be be very financially aware and on a tight budget. How would that work?

If it was the man in this instance keeping his own money back and not wanting to support his DP’s children, or her becoming a SAHM to their joint child, he would be told he’s being unfair and selfish.

Money is not everything, but when there’s an imbalance it can feel like it is.

I think you need to decide if you’re in this for the long haul or not. If you are, then supporting his DCs IS your job too. Having equal access to fun money is important but him supporting his DCs is not a luxury he can choose whether or not to spend his fun money on. His DCs are part of him and so if you’re with him you should accept that his expenses include (apparently paying the bare minimum for) his DCs.

My issue is that he isn’t going to have any more money when baby arrives. Where is money going to come from for things the baby needs?

This is where you need to put your child first. Don’t you personally contribute towards your stepchildren if it means your baby will have less. They already have two parents. He should be contributing towards the baby too and should be looking at ways to reduce his outgoings eg less money on luxuries in order to do so.

But I would also add, make sure the house and any other assets are also joint, not just debts and CSM payments. I assume that being married that will be the case but if you’re going to share your income he has to share his assets too.

@spanglyprincess1 Yes I think this is the common way from what I gather. I also think @seingifthings might be right about there being a gender bias but only in the sense that a step mother is often more in a situation where her partner has his kids every other weekend (for example) whereas a step father is more likely to be with a female who has main care of the children so it is a bigger commitment from the start and perhaps always expects to have a bigger role. Just food for thought. I don’t think a man is worth less if he earns less however.

@myrelationshipisweird I just think have to put my child first as no one else is going to. As others have said, the stepkids have a Mum and a Dad.

The majority both on MN and in real life seems to think CSM is his responsibility. Is we had more money it might be different but the fact is my child is going to lose our if DH and I share the cost of all OUR children equally whole his kids have their mother as well looking out for them. Their mother looks out only for them. She’s never going to care about my child. I think paying for her and DH kids when they are here and food etc is enough.

I think paying for her and DH kids when they are here and food etc is enough.

That’s all you need to do. You don’t need to do any more than than that.

And, even if you personally were a millionaire it doesn’t mean he should pay more in maintenance because they aren’t your responsibility. That analogy works both ways.

The amount of CSM he pays is nothing to do with me and not what this is about but thanks for your input

Actually it is to an extent, so not sure why you are being so sarcastic.

What happens if he becomes a SAHD are you expecting him to contribute nothing to his DC as he isn't earning?

The fact that the step father is resident make a no difference. My OH has never acted like a dad to my kids. He didn't agree to split all finances because he saw us part of a family but because he accepted that committing to me meant sharing everything and that was before we even married.

The main reasons for my outgoing being higher than his was because of the childcare I had to pay to allow me to work FT. What if I'd been working PT so I had to pay none, should he have also insisted that I paid half of everything?

I do not believe for a second that posters would be supporting a man who did insist on such an arrangement if the mother came to post here in this situation.

As my OH said you never know what the future will bring and maybe one day it will be me paying a lot more in if falls I'll for instance. That's what marriage is about: sharing in all situations not just when it suits.

@swingofthings sounds like your situation does suit you though. Who knows how you would feel if it were the other way around? Fact is you don’t know.

@sillysallysingsongs I have no expectations for CSM for someone else’s children. They have two parents and they can deal with that. I’m sure his ex will and she can discuss that with DH. I’ve said repeatedly I don’t want DH to be a SAHD. Not sure why you don’t understand all of this.

I have found this really interest so thanks again for your replies. It is a work in progress.

swingofthings

I wonder how the response would go of OP had posted '[insert completely irrelevant scenario]

In your scenario, I think it's fair enough for DH to say no. He dinged up to marriage to support his wife (and vice versa), not her parents too.