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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Aibu ?

68 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 05/08/2018 00:32

Partners ex messaged out of blue she will be dropping kids here next week (first time ever since we moved nine months ago) and wants to agree next year's contact calander. I don't want her in my house.

For background, I've never been in her house. I have a newborn baby who is very fretful at the momment and will have the three step children here too. After baby was born she said some vile things in frot of the DSC while on Skype to my partner about bbay not being family and I am livid about it. He is their half brother and I would never dream of saying that to the dsc, they are all family and very much loved. After this I refused any contact with her until I got an apology ( will never happen). Dp said i was making his life difficult but I said I normaly dont take things to heart but this has offended me deeply and I'm not willing to have contact with someone who behaves that way.

Aibu to say to dp that she isn't welcome in the house ( I havnt raised it yet but he knows I'm unhappy)? They can go and sort the calander in the pub and I'm happy to care for the kids while they do or they can sort it be email as they have done for the last five years but I don't want her in my home.
Thought a mn poll of opinions might help me see if I'm being rational or not.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 05/08/2018 04:14

I think and I say this with kindness, that you are being unreasonable.

That's not to say that she's not unreasonable too....but for the sake of your children, you need to rise above.

OrgyOfBarminess · 05/08/2018 04:43

Totally agree with you sounds like she's being nosey and she doesn't need to speak to you either. They need to find somewhere neutral to discuss away from all the kids in case it escalates.

It's their contact arrangement not yours and you just need to focus on you, your baby and the bond between the kids. It can be sooo stressful I spent the first 6 months of my DSs life on edge because of my DHs ex she used to drop DSS off and proceed to scream on the doorstep about anything and everything and stopped contact because she hated that the kids were getting on so well, she was also pregnant at the time (coincidence I think not Hmm 6 months between) and literally the weekend she had her DD my DSS was 'allowed' to come back.

StUmbrageinSkelt · 05/08/2018 04:46

I think it's reasonable they go and sort it at the pub, especially if you are caring for your stepkids.

You don't actually have to rise above her saying vile things. Your DH has to communicate with her but you don't.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 05/08/2018 06:12

Thank you , tbh I know I'm a little unreasonable but in the circumstances I just don't feel able to deal with her or want to. I think raising with dp ( he always prefers email as everything is in writing) then let him decide may be safest. I can also walk the baby in the pram somewhere I guess if I have to.
I do sometimes resent being the bigger person though!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 05/08/2018 07:52

I think you need to move on from the comment, by saying it, she made herself sound stupid, but who knows why she said it, she might be hurt and upset, maybe she can't have more children herself or something like this. Either way, you shouldn't take it personally or on behalf of your baby, it doesn't matter what she says, what matters is what your SCs think and if they are happy with their dad and you, then they will consider that baby as their siblings anyway.

Saying that, it doesn't mean you have to welcome her to your house, of course and if she herself won't let you in hers, I don't see what is unreasonable about your OH to ask to meet in a pub indeed.

Coco2891 · 05/08/2018 08:26

She sounds toxic and I wouldn't let her set foot in my house or near my baby -stand your ground x

Coco2891 · 05/08/2018 08:26

She sounds toxic and I wouldn't let her set foot in my house or near my baby -stand your ground x

Coco2891 · 05/08/2018 08:26

She sounds toxic and I wouldn't let her set foot in my house or near my baby -stand your ground x

funinthesun18 · 05/08/2018 08:55

Plenty of other places to talk. Your home doesn’t need to be one of them. You’re well within your rights to not want someone in your home.

Yanbu.

thethoughtfox · 05/08/2018 09:09

YANBU. Don't say no just keep saying 'When she acknowledges what she said was wrong then she is welcome here' Your house is your safe place.

RoboJesus · 05/08/2018 09:11

Your step children are your family but your kid is nothing to do with your partners ex. Those are two completely different situations. Do be petty and hurt your step children. It's probably just all the baby hormones, you've got to see how this isn't right.

NorthernSpirit · 05/08/2018 09:15

Absolutely no reason for her to enter your home.

Great that she’s dropping the kids off - great but she doesn’t need to enter your personal space.

My OH has an extremely toxic EW. My OH does a draft contact schedule for the year ahead in Jan and emails it to her for input. Can you do something similar.

I wounder if she’s feeling insecure now you have a child and this is some sort of stamp of her authority? Absolutely no need to welcome her into your private space.

runningscare · 05/08/2018 09:16

Nope ... not being unreasonable. Tell DP to go somewhere else with her ... invading your personal space that's what she is doing.

Silentnighttwo · 05/08/2018 09:22

Can’t you and baby go out whilst she is there? I can understand your antipathy towards her - she sounds vile - but she is the DM of your DH’s DC.

Banning her from the house will only create upset and drama - which presumably is what she wants.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 05/08/2018 09:23

robo where does op say she woukd in any way hurt her step children. She says actally the total oppisite she knows her step children are her family thats why shes hurt about the comment.

Now i kind of agree with yiu but also disagree that if the comment was ops newborn isnt exs family then shes right, if the ex said op baby isnt her childrens family then that is disgusting and the op had every right to be upset. Dont you see that isnt right robo

OP, I actally think its better if exs stay out of each others houses, just gensrally, yes be civil for your step kids, and that may mean having to let go of the comment, but totally she shouldnt be in your house, its your husbands place not hers.

Also with a personality like that i suspect she might want to try and go against what is agreed if not in writing, so your husnand is right to want to do it by email i think.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/08/2018 09:25

Actually I agree that you have every right to say she’s not welcome in your home.

There’s absolutely no reason why your DP and his ex can’t meet up somewhere to work out contact arrangements.

I wouldn’t have someone who spoke badly about my child in my house either.

RoboJesus · 05/08/2018 09:32

She wants to make their parents already strained relationship worse. That's how she will hurt the children

HollyGibney · 05/08/2018 09:36

I wouldn't want to go into my exes new family home. It would be me saying "no let's go to a pub/coffee shop". That said I do think you need to get over her comments. People say stupid shit. She's nothing to you, just as you are nothing to her.

flumpybear · 05/08/2018 09:44

I'd hate to have her near me BUT I'd take the moral high ground in this case for the sake of your husband, she's being a bitch, don't bite, it'll only drive a wedge between you and your husband and he'll always put his kids (rightly) first. Pull together with your husband, ask how he'd like to progress and support him
Good luck Thanks

Chew2 · 05/08/2018 10:21

I wouldn't want this woman in my home either, nor would i want her near my child, obv I very sad and jealous woman. My oh ex is not allowed in my home either (my oh and I do not want her here) and she has never said anything too nasty about me but has caused problems in the past. This discussion should not be done with any children present and I think a coffee shop or pub is the better place for this. You do not need to leave your own home for this to happen, it is your safe haven and your child's 🏠

Quirkycutekitch2011 · 05/08/2018 10:21

She has no reason to be in your home - even if she was the nicest ex in the world, there have to be boundaries.

MeridianB · 05/08/2018 11:14

OP, YADNBU.

There is no need for this woman to be inside your home. I suspect she is just coming to be nosey and make some power play. Make sure your DH is ready to leave with her when she arrives so they can go and discuss contact at the local cafe. Or can DH collect DSC and speak to her then?

I was happy to make an effort and do the right thing with DH’s ex-p until she made unpleasant comments when he told her (out of courtesy)we were getting married and again when he told her I was pregnant. (And no, I wasn’t the OW).

Stand you ground. Have a friend or relative there is you need moral support.

And enjoy your little one - congratulations Flowers

MadMags · 05/08/2018 11:18

I think it’s fine fo say he should meet her elsewhere. She caused this, not you.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 05/08/2018 11:42

Thanks - for clarification the comment was about her kids not bring family to their half brother, which undermined a lot of work we had done to ensure kids felt they were not being replaced etc etc by new baby.
I think I'm going to leave it with dp, I know it's an emotional reaction but I can't seem to help it. If she does come here then I will be out with baby somewhere.
Also on a serious note I'm not sure agreeing the calander in not writing and in front of the children generally is a wise move. But it's not my circus so to speak and up to the two of them to resolve.

OP posts:
Sessy19 · 05/08/2018 11:46

Absolutely, YANBU.

Even after the post-partum hormones settle, that bitch’s comment would stay with me, and that’s a grudge I’d be happy to bear.

Your home is not her business, don’t give her fuel to make comments in the future, so t let OH allow that tramp into your safe haven to dirty it.

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